I really don't know where this came from and it actually didn't come out how I had wanted it to but when I wrote this, I couldn't remember what I wanted this to be like the first place. All I know is that this isn't it. I'm not even happy with this piece but I've posted it anyways. Sigh. Oh well. Inspired, at least initially, by the song All I Wanted by Paramore.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of its characters

All I wanted

Her heart felt heavy as she tried to play out the scene that would undoubtedly happen when she sees Neji. The past year had been the best of her life and she couldn't deny that she was completely and irrevocably in love with him, and even though he may have never said it for her to hear, she knew, based on his actions, that he felt the same.

She never realized that things would come to this or that the feelings could be so strong – so strong that it scared her, so strong that she knew it was going to hurt. The last thing she wanted was to hurt him but disappointment on his receiving end is something she always feared. She did everything she could to make him proud, to give him a good reason to be with her based on her countless accomplishments. He could have anyone he wanted yet he chose her, so she did what she could to please him. She wanted him to be with someone he could be proud of. She didn't want to shame him.

She walked to the Hyuuga compound slowly, the sound of gravel crunching beneath her feet. She was afraid to face him. She took the long way.

Her thoughts were all jumbled and her heart rate increased as she got closer to his home.

~ X ~

"Tenten, this mission is crucial and success is essential."

"I understand Hokage-sama."

"Good. You leave at dawn. Your team will meet you at the northern gate."

"Hai." Tenten turned to leave.

"Oh and Tenten…be fair to him." Tenten stood frozen for a moment before exiting the office.

"Are you sure that was the right thing to do?" Shizune nearly bit her tongue before questioning the hokage.

"Must you doubt me? He loves her, he'll understand and Tenten will come back alive."

"Yes Tsunade-sama, but…"

"Enough. Do not doubt me and do not doubt her."

"Hai."

~ X ~

Sometimes she wished she weren't a ninja. She loved her profession but it came with too many risks that could result in so much pain. It was unfair. She had to suffer; they had to suffer to protect others. They were on the brink of war, and it was up to her and her team to bring peace within their village.

Fire country has been prosperous for many years and every threat had to be taken seriously to avoid any unnecessary conflict, especially if the threat were a band of missing-nin. If the conflict remained unresolved, the rebel is assassinated. Too bad many of the rebels traveled in packs, large groups, all rogue ninja, all with different powers and abilities. This was an ANBU mission and Tenten was merely a jounin, but her skill was needed, even if the mission may be way out of her league. She couldn't understand why the fifth would want to send her, especially if success was essential and the chance of coming back alive was very slim among other things.

When she arrived at her destination, Neji was still outside, only he was meditating instead of training as he had been doing when she left. He sat extremely still, eyes closed, as he concentrated and relaxed at the same time. Meditation was something she didn't quite understand but she wouldn't keep him from whatever type of coping mechanisms he used. She left him quietly and entered his home, she knew he wouldn't mind.

She sat on one of the cushions on the floor where they usually ate and for the first time, really looked around his house. It was the same house that he and his father lived in and he had been living there alone for many years. She could only imagine that all the photos, paintings, and intricate knick knacks were there from when his father was still alive. She couldn't imagine Neji purchasing a living room decoration, or decorating the living room for that matter. He cleaned once a week, keeping everything spotless, a characteristic she came to love about him, and even though the living space wasn't made or designed by him, it was still him. It matched his personality, matched his experiences, matched his inner self, the self no else sees, the self that she learned to read and find on her own.

Neji placed a cup of jasmine tea in front of her. Her favorite.

"What's wrong?" he whispered while brushing his lips along her temple.

She turned to look at him, to look into the endless white depths of his eyes, trying to read whatever emotion he hid in them.

She couldn't do it. Be fair.

She pulled him in and kissed him hard.

~ X ~

Any thoughts regarding the ominous look in her eyes, the doubt Neji had felt, was lost in her kiss, lost in the way she nipped at his lips, lost in the feel of her hands running through his hair, lost in complete bliss. Any feeling of doubt that slipped away was replaced with other questions, other thoughts. Why is she like this? What is she trying to hide? But he thought he'd worry about it later as he returned her kiss with just as much fervor.

~ X ~

She gasped as he lifted her onto the sofa and removed her shirt, his chilled hands touching her flat stomach down to the waist band of her pants.

Neji trailed hot open mouth kisses down her throat, between the valley of her breasts, and down her tummy. It was absolute euphoria as their touch and caress sent tingles to every nerve ending in their bodies.

Tenten couldn't feel the guilt anymore. All she felt were his hands, his lips, his warm breath as he breathed her in. I'm sorry.

~ X ~

"You wanted to see me hokage-sama?"

"Yes Tenten. I have a mission for you. You will be grouped with an ANBU team. Your assistance has been requested by the captain himself."

Tenten's eyes slightly widened at the mention of an ANBU captain requesting her, she, Tenten, is assisting in an assassination mission. She couldn't, for the life of her, imagine why anyone would ask for her help.

"There are a group of rebels, former ninjas of numerous villages, who are wreaking havoc within Fire Country. After failed negotiations with the rebels, and contacting every village in which each missing-nin is from, we have now gained jurisdiction over them and may resolve the problem as we see fit."

"As you know, pursuing the life of a missing-nin is punishable by death, therefore we are sending out a group to rid the country of these menaces."

"They are currently located off the border of Fire country and Wind country so ally troops from Suna will also be sent as back up. They've made a bad decision on staying on that border – they must not know with whom we are allied."

"Hai."

"There is more to it than that."

A pregnant pause, the air was still. Tenten's eye twitched as nervousness wracked her body and sweat beaded on the surface of her forehead.

~ X ~

Tenten stared at the ceiling, all reasonable thought returned when she awoke that morning. She would be leaving him and didn't know for how long, didn't even know if she would come back. She couldn't refuse her mission, it was her duty as a ninja to serve her Hokage, serve her village, no matter what the outcome of her vessel.

It was really early – she still had at least 45 minutes until dawn. She quietly removed herself from Neji's embrace and the sofa, picking up discarded pieces of clothing.

After fully dressing, she knelt next to the sofa and looked at Neji's sleeping face, forcibly keeping her attention there rather than his nude body beneath the thin sheet they had used to shield the cold. His delicately carved features, flawless skin aside from the near invisible scar near his temple, the perfect arch of his eyebrows, long sooty lashes, always gorgeous as ever – the seal on his forehead, a constant reminder of where he came from, and how he came to accept and forgive his heritage.

~ X ~

"What's wrong." Neji whispered.

His eyes were still closed as he feigned sleep, but he could feel the intensity of her stare. She was nervous; he could feel the concentration and unease that plagued her thoughts, the erratic beat of her heart.

"Nothing."

She was anything but a good liar.

"I have a mission so I need to leave. I'll be back in a few days."

Neji didn't answer. He opened his eyes and looked at her, staring and willing her to tell him what was on her mind.

She stood to leave but he grasped her wrist before she could fully stand up, and pulled her in for a kiss. Again, she kissed him hard, and he felt the need and desperation in her. She broke apart and gently rubbed her fingers over his lips as if trying to memorize them, then she was gone. She said she would be back in a few days. So why does it feel like you're saying goodbye?

~ X ~

Nara Shikamaru was the ANBU captain who had requested her presence for the mission and she knew, if it had been him, then she had been requested for good reason.

When she arrived at the Northern gate, Shikamaru greeted her and handed her an ANBU mask and armor, and some dark clothing since her red and white attire wouldn't exactly hide her in the dark.

"You can change before we head out. I also have a few extra shirts and pants for you. Just leave your old clothing with Shizune, she has a box ready for you and will hold on to your items until we return."

Tenten nodded and walked to the guarding shack to change in its restroom. The pants Shikamaru gave her were a little loose so she pulled the drawstrings as tight as it could go and used a kunai to cut off the excess string. The shirt fit perfectly, not skin tight and not too loose, and exposed her arms. It came down past the elastic part of the pants, covering the entire midriff. The armor was a lot lighter than she had expected and the mask was going to take some getting used to since it slightly hindered her breathing.

When she looked in the mirror, she was unrecognizable aside from her hairstyle. She looked like a true ANBU member.

~ X ~

"This mission involves a group of over a hundred missing-nin, all from different villages. I am sending the first group out – your group – to situate every thing to prepare for a fierce battle and your captain will give us a status update via messenger bird."

"There will be ten of you and just before your group initiates an attack, a second wave will be on their way."

"This could be a suicide mission for some, and the chances of getting injured are very high, but you are strong, and your group is strong, so I know you will all come back alive."

"My greatest concern is for you because you are still a Jounin and have not been on a mission where casualties will be to this extent. People come back changed and I am worried that it may affect you in a way that you cannot help."

Tenten stood quietly and listened intently. She thought it through and every thought went along the lines of "there is no way it could change me" or "I've seen dead bodies before, what's a hundred more?"

Not coming back alive was her greatest concern and she assumed it to be a suicide mission for the most part, especially for her. There were no what ifs in the situation should she come back alive.

She didn't get it.

~ X ~

Bloodshed affected more lives than she will ever know. There were those who wondered if the ones who were killed were better off than the killer. Mass murder was so much more than the few lives that may be taken in any normal mission. Those who live to see war come to hate it with a passion.

Shikamaru had assigned her to set up traps around the perimeter surrounding the rogue-nin one kilometer out to ensure that there was no escape for them. Tenten's intricate weaving and placement of different bombs and weapons would be undetectable to most and was one of the reasons Shikamaru had needed Tenten. He also needed a long ranged fighter – one with deadly accurate aim, and one who could kill from a great distance. Tenten had been honorable in the fight, fighting with fervor and an aggressiveness no one has ever seen. She was going back to Konoha alive damn it – and she would do anything to live. Anything to go home to Neji.

~ X ~

Days went by and Tenten had yet to return from her mission. He was part of the second wave to attack the rogue-nin but hadn't seen her throughout battle. He was on Fire country's side of the border and Tenten was in Wind. He didn't know she was a part of the mission. He fought for two weeks but came home to find that Tenten still hadn't returned.

It was a clear day where flowers were in full bloom and birds were singing to their heart's desire – one month since Tenten left – when he got word that the team Tenten had been a part of was back. They had been back for two days but Tenten had not come to see him. She wasn't at home so he tried the hospital but she hadn't been there either. It was then Neji had requested an audience with the Hokage. It was then that he found out that Tenten had been staying at Ibiki's place under his watch.

Ibiki Morino had been more than welcoming in having Neji visit Tenten. Ibiki showed him to the back yard where Tenten was sitting on a hill that over looked the rest of the village.

She was wearing a dark blue yukata, something he had never seen her wear, and her hair was in a messy pony tail near the nape of her neck. She didn't look injured aside from the fading bruise on her cheek and the few usual scratches that normally came with missions. Her skin was tanned and she had lost a little weight making her look leaner than ever.

Neji's breath caught when he landed eyes on her.

"Hey Ten."

"Neji." Tenten turned to look at him, a smile forming on her lips. "I was wondering when you were going to come see me."

"Pardon my delay – I hadn't known where you were until late yesterday."

Neji took a seat next to her. Ibiki's house was already of a high altitude but the winds were much stronger at the top of the hill. Neji's hair whipped at his face as the cool breeze wafted through his clothing. He could see the goose skin on Tenten's arms but she paid no mind to it.

It was early morning, the sun having risen only a few hours prior. Birds with wings spread wide could be seen in the distance. It was a peaceful morning.

He sensed her movement and felt her lips on his chin before he was able to respond.

"I missed you Neji." She whispered against his warming skin.

He tilted his head down and he kissed her sweetly, gently, one hand slowly guiding her down to her back and the other resting lightly on her tummy. The yukata was silky soft, making the feel of touching her body smooth to touch.

They lay side by side, looking up to the cloudless sky. It didn't take words to know that Tenten had changed. Tsunade had informed Neji of her concerns and he could see that Tenten had been traumatized. The shine in her eyes were gone and her smiles gave the impression of being sad, exactly the opposite of what a smile is supposed to portray.

They said she had screamed when she saw what her traps had done to the enemy. The blood, the bodies, the lifeless eyes, combined with those she had aimed to kill – it had been too much for her. It made her sick. She vomited many times on her way back to Konoha and had eventually fainted when they were a day away.

It was a cloudless day, the air calm, cool, and dry, but the storm raged on within Tenten's mind and heart.

It was Tsunade's fear that Tenten may come back changed but she thought Tenten had handled it pretty well. She had seen people in much worse conditions and they didn't even see half the things Tenten had seen. Tsunade had faith in her so she had released Tenten to Neji upon his request without hesitation.

~ X ~

Neji had taken over Ibiki's watch much to Tenten's delight. She would always remember all the things she'd been through, but she would never give up being a ninja. It was her life and after having a taste of an ANBU mission, she knew she would need to prolong taking such a large step in shinobi rank.

It was the first night at Neji's and Tenten thought that she would feel liberated, no emotions or gruesome memories holding her down, but she found herself feeling worse than ever. Every time she looked at Neji, it hurt somewhere deep down within her.

"That's what was bothering you wasn't it?"

Tenten looked to him and feigned confusion. She knew what he meant but didn't really want to answer.

"What was?"

"The mission. You were acting strange before you left. You thought you weren't going to come back."

Neji's voice was soft and gentle but she could hear the hurt and anger laced within his words. She knew she hurt him and had indirectly lied to him. She didn't want to, didn't really have to, and now that the mission was done, she couldn't remember what made it so hard for her to tell him in the first place.

"Why?"

Tenten looked up. It was such a simple, though vague, question. It questioned numerous things and had numerous answers, she couldn't even think of where to start.

"Why what?"

"Why couldn't you tell me? Why did you take on a mission you were afraid of? I was worried about you and you couldn't even tell me what you were getting yourself into!"

Tenten looked at him blankly as he raised his tone.

"Why Tenten? Why couldn't you tell me?"

Tenten couldn't look him in the eyes anymore. She looked down at her clenched fists in her lap before squeezing her eyes shut as she tried to shut out all the things she had seen, the horrifying experience of intense battle – the bloodshed caused by her traps, her weapons, her own hands. She had someone to come home to, what of the people she killed? What if they had someone they held dear to them as she did? And she took those lives away in order to be with the one who is dear, precious to her.

All her pent up emotion and frustration came out in a stream of words she couldn't control. "I thought it was a suicide mission because I am a jounin but was assigned an ANBU mission. When I was out there, all I thought about was you. I came back alive for you! I didn't tell you because I was afraid! I was afraid of what you would think, what you would do. I knew the risks of coming back alive, Tsunade-sama had warned me before I left and she told be to be fair to you. But I couldn't do it!"

An endless amount of tears poured from her eyes. She felt pathetic. "I'm selfish. I didn't tell you because I'm selfish and I still wanted you even if I changed. I knew I would still want you and I'm selfish and I'm sorry."

Tenten stood to leave but Neji had caught up with her at the front door. She felt trapped and exposed. She regretted some of her decisions but she would never regret ever being with him. And the last thing she wanted was for him to regret ever having chosen her.

She stiffened before relaxing in Neji's arms and crying onto his shirt.

~ X ~

They both lay in bed on top of the covers, fingers interlaced. Neji had never saw so many tears – Tenten broke down and he was the last person anyone would go to for comfort, but Tenten had found that comfort in his silence as he awkwardly patted her back and held her how he always did. He didn't say a word. He let her cry it all out.

Now they were lying in his bed. Silent aside from Tenten's labored breathing.

"I'm sorry Neji. You must think I'm so pa…."

"No. Please don't. And whatever you may think that I'm thinking, I assure you that you are wrong. You are neither of the things you said earlier."

'I'm pathetic Neji! I'm selfish, weak, and nothing but a disappointment. I just wanted to make you proud.'

"I am always proud of you and I don't know what gave you the idea that you had to prove anything to me. And if it's wrong for you to be selfish for the reasons you implied, then I am just as guilty, if not more, than you."

Neji rubbed reassuring circles on her hand before bringing her fingers to his lips, kissing each one.

~ X ~

Tenten should have known he would understand. She knew he loved her as much as she did him and love made people do crazy things, but for good reason, she would live for him. He was all she ever wanted.