Day two of Pride—the Saturday—and it was clear to see I've had next to no sleep.
I was almost certain my mind was playing tricks on me yesterday. There was no possible way.
When Ryan came back to visit his Mum—and ruin my life but that's another story for another day—he told me Sian had a new girlfriend and was living down south with her in a flat, and of course, I believed him. Forget and move on from me in the quickest and furtherest way possible. Sounds like a good idea to me, had the shoe been on the other foot.
Just had to be my brain messing me up. I wasn't in the best state yesterday. I was missing Maddie on my arm. I should be enjoying this weekend with her and friends.
I knew that's what I had to do. It was just some random stranger who looked like her from the side, like I'm not the first person to make that mistake. It's not like Sean and I were exactly friends then so how would he exactly remember what she looked like.
That's it, Sophie, talk yourself out of it.
"What time is it starting again?" I asked Kate.
She looked at her watch. "In about fifteen."
"Does anyone want at drink? You know once it starts, we're not leaving this spot for a while." I said.
"No, thank you," Kate and Rana said in almost perfect harmony. They were clearly more interested in their surroundings—and each other—to care.
"Sean?"
"Please!" he replied. "There is no why I'm missing the drag queens this year. Do you think I could pull of that look? I've the bone structure for it, I think. You know, I could do most of them out for their money—"
"Drink, Sean," I interrupted before he got ahead of himself. "What do you want?"
"Not fussed, babe," he waved me off.
Knowing I wasn't going to get an answer out of him, I rolled my eyes and headed for the nearest drinks stand.
The line was as bad as I thought it would be. Luckily, I could see some of what was going on through the gaps of people, as I walked back, drink in each hand, as well as being careful to walk steady and make my way along the path, minding out the way of anyone oblivious to my struggle.
"Sophie!" I heard a familiar deep voice but I couldn't see where it came from.
It was then that I, for the first time in five years, I saw her.
Our eyes locked.
Almost like an out of body experience.
As if we were part of a video; life was going at normal pace, everyone else in the crowd were cars speeding on the motorway and we were in front of that traffic being filmed in slow motion. Just like the Spice Girls music video for 2 Become 1 to put it in perspective.
Then, like a hollywood blockbuster, Sian turned away just in time to see a man coming towards her. She didn't have time to react before he slammed into her. She felt him grab her shoulders in a simultaneous attempt to stop himself and her from falling. Her arm jerked on impact and watched, almost in awe, as the contents of the plastic cup spilled down her neck and onto her shirt.
And then, just like that, it was over.
"Oh, my God! I'm so sorry! Are you okay—" Up close, the man saw the blonde he had knocked over. His eyes went wide.
She could feel the beer soaking through her shirt. I watched the scene unfold in front of me. I froze. I didn't know whether I should go over and help but before I could do anything, Sian gathered herself together and rushed off before Sean could say anything else.
"Sean!" I shouted over, watching him watch Sian run away, his jaw almost hitting the floor. He walked over to stand next to me, we watched as she disappeared into the crowd.
"Was that who I think it was?" he asked.
When I asked Sean what he doing, he said he came looking for me after I took ages returning. Understandable but now I wish he never did!
He couldn't stop asking me about her. Sian. My first love. The ex who doesn't want to know me so I'll try the same. That girl. Whatever you want to call her.
""Are you actually sure?" he repeated for the thousandth time.
"Yes, Sean!" I groaned. "I remember what she looked like! Can we please just forget it even happened?"
"Oh my god, though," he gasped. "After all these years! This could be your moment! This could be your call of fate!"
"Get real, Sean," I reasoned.
"You don't believe in any of that?"
"No."
Because every time I've even gotten close to a happily ever after, it's gone wrong.
The night was coming to a close and I couldn't wait for it to come faster. My head was a jungle, very different to how I was feeling yesterday.
Sean had almost yanked my arm off when he heard Lady Gaga's Born This Way start playing from a stage. He knew it down to the first word spoken before the music started, off like a rocket and taking me with him. An unknown artist was covering it in her honour and he didn't even care, more interested in keeping up with the dancers.
I was carefully watching the drink in his hand, with his moves, it was so close to spilling over onto me and we didn't need another accident like that today.
It was her.
I couldn't quite believe it.
I hadn't thought about her in so long. I'd moved on, forgiven myself and gotten on with my life.
No, I kept talking myself out of it. I'm here to enjoy myself.
I was! The singer was doing all the songs I'd almost forgotten about. Past and present. Like living under a rock, I am someone who only listens to the songs in the charts, and the great ones from previous decades everybody knows.
"Okay guys, we're going to take it back in time for this next one! Sing along if you know the words, c'mon!" the singer chanted, clapping his hands in time with the beat as the new song started.
I know it! The second verse spoke to me.
What am I suppose to do? Sit around and wait for you? Well, I can't do that. There's no turning back.
I did. With phone calls, text messages and I even tried skyping her—a lot of good that did! I was waiting for an answer from her. It felt like everything we had was gone. I wanted to talk things through with her even though I knew it was too late.
Seeing her today didn't help bringing back those memories. I can still remember breaking down, watching the car drive away. My life over in an instant.
I knew it was never going to be easy moving on. I let myself sit around and mope—for no better word—at my loss. My first heartbreak, I was still young, and I never thought it would happen at the time, I thought we were forever.
It's only when you really think about it, older and wiser, that things worked out for the best—even if I still think I should have been better to her.
Moving on wasn't easy but it happened over time.
Maddie being my most important relationship since.
How I wish she was hear to experience today with me for a second time. I would do anything for one more day with her again. Experience Pride all over again, make our final moments more special, anything.
There is no turning back. I still have to live everyday as she would want me to. I also need to know get hung up on seeing Sian today. I will move forward again
So, as the song ends, to answer your question, Cher, do I believe in life after love? Yes, I do.
The crowd erupt into applaud. The deafening sound of whistles beside me wake me from my thoughts.
"Wow! Who doesn't love a bit of Cher, ay!" he cheered. "So this next one is going to be my last. Thank you for having me, Manchester Pride!"
"Aww!" the crowd sighed.
The acts were finishing up earlier than last night but I thought that's because there's a DJ coming on to play all the club classics to see the night through and the crowd going for a few more hours.
I was tired. The day had been overwhelming. I knew Sean had no intentions of stopping the party yet but I was. I needed to call Kate to see what she and Rana were doing before I started booking a taxi to take me back to the hotel while they stayed out and had their fun.
"I know, I know!" the artist sighed. "I hope you've all had an amazing time and, if it's okay, I'm going to slow it down for my last song. I want to dedicate to the forty-nine LGBT, ally lives with lost last year at Pulse. You're always in my thoughts.
Now I didn't even have to let the first note start before the old familiar feeling of tears welling up in my eyes hit at the song that brought back painful memories.
True Colours by Cyndi Lauper was the first song at Maddie's funeral. She always loved it. She told me it was one of the songs that got her through the darkest times.
Choosing the music was the hardest part. There was so much to choose from because she had such a varied music taste.
I remember her once telling me she wanted John Mayer's Waiting On the World to Change at her funeral if we didn't have world peace by then so I made that her final song because of the unfaithful way she died.
Hearing True Colours brings it all back. She should be here with me. We shouldn't be singing for the lives lost in a horrific attack on the LGBT community in 2016, the exact reason Pride started in the first place.
That mixed with today's events, it was too much.
I tapped Sean on shoulder.
"Are you okay?" he said loud enough.
I nodded. "I'm going to go back to the hotel."
"Do you want me to come with you? Are you sure you're okay?"
I bit the bullet. "This is reminding me of Maddie. I'll be okay, I just want to be alone right now."
"Okay, babe," he pulled me in for a hug.
"I'm going to call a cab first. Can you let Kate and Rana know I've left?" I wiped a tear away before he could see. He let me go.
"Of course, babe. You just let me know if you need anything, okay?"
I sniffed, nodding, and I left before anyone else could see my state.
It felt like the longest taxi journey in the world. I kept looking at my phone for the time and every time Maddie's smiling face illuminated the screen. I had a little picture of her in the corner of my lock screen, just a little reminder she's always there looking over me.
I didn't cry while on the way back to the hotel. I didn't cry when I got there.
I sat slightly with my head in my hands on the bed while my brain went at one-hundred miles an hour, switching between memories of Maddie and seeing Sian again.
Why couldn't I shake those? That was it, I was never going to see her again. Purely a coincidence Sean bumped into her. She's gone again. Why couldn't I treat it like everyone else would when they bumped into a ex on the street and continue on as usual?
Take Sean for example, he lives on the same street as Billy and he never comes to me saying he misses him or he thinks he's growing feelings again. He moved on completely. Maybe I'm not as grown up as I last thought I was.
Saying that, I got ready for bed. I texted Mum to say I'd be home by tomorrow afternoon before throwing my bed on the bed and heading towards the bathroom where I brush my teeth.
I changed into my pyjamas, folding my clothes up back into my bag for the next day then took my hair out of it's ponytail. I never could sleep with my hair up.
I decided between turning the TV on or going straight to sleep when my phone buzzed.
I rushed over, thinking it was Sean, asking how I was.
Please will you tell Sean I'm sorry if I ruined his shirt. Let me know I've got the right number, too?
It was an unknown number. There was only one person I could think of but how…
Who is this?
I responded then waited… And wait I did.