#

"Shit, this girl weighs as much as a sack of potatoes but she looks like she's 5!"

"Deadpool, do you ever shut the fu-"

"Language."

"Do you ever stop talking?"

"No, not really. It's actually a tragic condition. They've tried ball gags, chloroform, cutting my head off, and stitching my mouth shut but they can't seem to get me to can it. Cut me some slack, Spider-Flop."

There was silence. It was nice.

"You know, I'm allergic to grapefruits. Crazy, huh? You'll never believe how I found out. So one time I cut a hole into a grapefruit and-"

I jolted awake, the more-than-mildly disturbing conversation still ringing in my subconscious ears.

The last thing I remembered was the explosion last night and, as much as I prayed it was a dream, of course it wasn't. I looked around at my new surroundings and became even more alarmed.

You know, I wanted my job to blow up under mysterious circumstances but not with me there.

But first,

'Where in the hell am I?' I thought.

The first thing I noticed was that I was in a very run-down apartment, filled with posters of girls with huge boobs, tequila bottles on the ground, empty pizza boxes and take out containers. Even the couch I laid on had a pizza box on it. It was a huge train wreck.

"Taaaake onnnnn meeeee (take on me) taaake meeeee onnnnn" I heard a familiar voice sing from another room (Yes, he even sang the background vocals), and shower water running.

"No way..." I muttered.

I'm in Deadpool's fucking apartment.

I tried sitting up, but automatically plopped back down after noticing how painful my joints felt.

"Ah man..." I groaned. Even my eyes were sore when I moved them.

The door opened to what I assumed was the bathroom, and I saw Deadpool walking out, adjusting his mask. I groaned again to get his attention, and he perked up.

"OH! You aren't dead!" The masked man walked over and tapped me.

"Welcome back, I hope you had a nice trip. Did you get me a postcard from purgatory?"

"Deadpool- right?" I asked to get clarification.

"At your service!" He did an army salute. "You can also call me Wade, Captain Deadpool, or Dad." He enthused, as the last word came out in a suggestive tone.

"If you call me Dad, you can be the big spoon tonight."

I blinked a few times.

"Okay, Wade," I said to put him in his place. "What in the hell am I doing here?"

"Weeeell," He began. "A little after I shielded you from that explosion, you fainted, and a news crew circled around Caps and Spidey, so I decided to take you under my little wing." He explained.

"So, You ran away before the news could get coverage on what caused the explosion, and you are now keeping me hostage." I corrected.

"Bingo!" Wade said as he went to the kitchen.

"Plus, I was told to keep ya safe 'till the media coverage and the army of thugs who are chasing us die down! So you're stuck with me, kid." He said as he pulled out a ton of boxes of pancake mix.

"Holy shit, are you making pancakes for an army?" I asked, wide-eyed at all the pancake mix.

"Hell yeah! An army of me and my dick! The only army I'll ever need!" Wade said as he wiped a single fake tear.

I shook my head in disbelief. "You are so disgustingly vulgar, it's fantastic."

"I've been told, sugar-tits." He beamed.

"You can call me Josi instead." I raised an eyebrow.

"Sure thing, babe!" He said, disregarding me, as he started pouring mix into a dingy pan. He started whistling what sounded like a bad version of 'Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go'. Damn, this guy is old.

I finally sat up again. "I feel like I've been hit by the crippling realization that we all will get old and die." I deadpanned, as I ruffled my afro.

"You took that explosion like a boss, though. Well, maybe more like Alec Baldwin in Boss Baby. If I didn't jump in you'd probably be ashes on the ground right now. Bad times." He stated. It registered then that my job completely exploded.

"Well, there goes my minimum wage..." I plopped down on the couch again.

Wade plopped on the couch with me and slightly lifted his mask to start eating a huge pile of pancakes. I decided against asking about the scars on his chin that were more than visible."You'll find a better job than a shitty ol' diner!" He began and I gave a weak smile.

"Trust me. I've had my share of shitty jobs while I was younger. Cleaning bathrooms in McDonald's, Washing off dildos, you name it."

"Answer me something though, who were those guys that were chasing after you?" I curiously asked.

"Those little shit swizzlers were after me because I had some unfinished business with Weapon X; I had a run in with a psychopath named after Dish soap, and after his death, I've been trying not to get my ass sliced off." Wade crossed his legs with an infinite amount of sass as he recalled the event.

"Dish soap?" I asked as I raised a brow, though Weapon X sounded interesting, the Dish soap part really got me.

"Yeah, the fucker's name was Ajax. Well, Francis, but it sounded like a mom in the 1930s, so no wonder he'd change it." He recalled with a snort towards the end.

Our conversation was cut short by an angry bang on Wade's door. "Dipshit, open up!" A voice called out. Wade grinned from under his mask, and marched to the door, opening it and opening his arms wide for a hug.

"BUTTERCUP!" Wade called out to him, as he gave the other masked "friend" a kiss on the cheek.

Spider-Man already looked as though he wanted to punch Wade square in the face through his mask.

"Hello, Miss. Deadpool is coming with me to the Stark tower." He said, with his voice obviously being forced to sound deeper, with a hint of awkwardness. The body language was a definite giveaway, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

I knew him.

I crossed my arms, before slowly getting up and inching towards this "Spider-Man" The stare-down seemed to make Spider-Man uncomfortable, as he shifted his body side to side.

"I know you-" I began before he interrupted.

"No you don't."

"Oh, but I do." I challenged.

"I'm pretty sure you don't."

"But I most certainly am sure-"

"And I am infinitely sure that you do not."

"Then why are you getting defensive-"

"IM NOT GETTING DEFENSIVE-" Once his voice moved up 3 octaves, I knew exactly who he was. He covered his mouth in an attempt to save himself.

"Oh. My god." I looked up at the sky, making "Spider-Man" absolutely lose his shit.

"Shit," Peter whispered.

Wade looked at the both of us, a grin visible through his mask, as he grabbed popcorn from his utility belt and started stuffing his face. The popcorn obviously not making it past his mask.

"Josi, not now, I have to take Deadpool, and I'll explain everything later." Peter explained, before grabbing his masked companion and marching outside, slamming the door behind him.

"You should get a voice disguise next time; like Batman, but not as cool." I heard Wade's voice fade into the distance.

What in the actual shit is going on?

#

"Wade Wilson," Tony Stark started as he looked at Wade straight in the eyes. Wade sat with his legs "Criss-Cross Applesauce," as he liked to call it, and requested a "spinny" chair. Tony downed a shot glass of alcohol and, when asked why he was drinking so early in the morning, shrugged it off as a "coping" mechanism for Wade's behavior.

"Daddy Stark~" Wade purred as he hung upside down from the chair. "What's got your Iron Panties in a bunch?"

"The problem is that this is the 10th damn complaint in a month that I've gotten concerning a red and black-clad vigilante reject." Tony sassed.

"Aw, that hurt my heart." Deadpool sarcastically remarked before taking a spin in his chair again.

"Wade, it's time to be a bit more serious about what you're doing. You may not realise it, but if you adjusted yourself more, you could actually be a hero-" Tony started before being interrupted by Wade making a noise in disagreement.

"Look here, Starky-Boy, I'm not a hero," He started. "I'm not some twinkle-toes pep-talker with matching underwear on the outside of my clothes, covering my manhood, and lying to the citizens around us! So, nohohoho!" Wade said as he raised a hand. "The day I become a spandex-wearing ball-fondler is the day I stop looking like a wrinkled ballsack!" He argued as silence fell in the room. "Which is never!" He finished as he took a bow.

Silence still fell throughout the room. Tony shook his head. "Wade-"

"Now if you'll excuse me, World's-Shortest-Avenger, I have business to take care of!" Wade said as he opened a window.

"Wade, we're on the 12th floo- too late." Tony sighed as he heard Wade tumble town 12 stories while shouting 'MAXIMUM EFFORT!'

#

As soon as I heard the door open, I jumped up. I finally got mobility back in my body, but now I felt weak and kinda hungry. I just remembered that the fucker made a ton of pancakes and didn't offer me one. I plopped on to the couch as hunger and boredom took over.

"HONEY, I'M HOME!" Wade called out as he closed the door. He had a Taco-Bell bag with him.

"Guess who got us Chimichangas~" He sang. "Hell, I don't even like Chimichangas! The word's just funny to me!" He finished as he emptied the contents on his (now clean) coffee table.

"Hmmm...something seems different around here," He began as he looked around. I proudly smiled, thinking that he acknowledged all my hard work.

I scrubbed the apartment spotless while I had a bored temper tantrum; even cleaning the bathroom (which I will never consider cleaning again), and the kitchen while he was gone.

"Ah, that's what's different!" He beamed as he adjusted a small, wilted plant.

"Wade!" I snapped. He started laughing and flipped onto the couch with me, handing me a Chimichanga.

"I'm just fuckin' with you." He smiled as he pat my afro, before freezing soon after. "Oh, you didn't find my stash, did you?"

"Stash?"

"Okay, never-mind." Wade nodded.

I bit into one of the Chimichangas. I wrinkled up my nose at the taste of it and shook my head.

"How do you eat this shit?" I asked and he laughed at my expression.

"I dont!" He corrected. "I already told you: I just like the word."

I couldn't help but shake my head at him.

"You know," He began, kicking up his feet on the coffee table.

"I could get used to having you around."

"Please don't." I quickly answered.

"This is gonna be a good fan-fiction franchise."

Ayyyy, Author here! I hope you enjoyed Chapter 2 of this story! I'm really having fun with Deadpool's character, and his interactions with other characters so far! He's a blast to write about~ And don't worry if the story is going at snail speed! The first few chapters are just an introduction into the story anyways!

Until next chapter!