Happy Without Me
Chapter One – The Way You Looked At Me
A/N: This is going to be a journey. There is going to be angst. Hope you're up for it. But here's some fluff/background to tide you over. And this update schedule is not legit I just had some free time today; I'll do my best to keep them frequent though.
Summary: Sure, everyone says long distance doesn't work. But if anyone was gonna make it work it was supposed to be them. They've always beat the odds – until now. Now, Amy is just walking away like they don't have two decades worth of history. Karma doesn't know why Amy made so many promises when she wasn't going to follow through with any of them.
' And I loved the way you looked at me, and I miss the way you made me feel. When we were alone, when we were alone
And if we could turn back time, could we learn to live it right? '
Five Years Before The Break Up
Karma is freaking the fuck out. Amy kissed her last night.
Kissed her.
It's been years since Amy has even hinted at her feelings (Karma kind of assumed they were gone). It's been years since they were a fake couple and Karma broke Amy's heart. They're in a really good place now. (But for real, Karma has probably been flirting with Amy for weeks – she has no idea what's gotten into her).
So, Karma has been camping out in the bathroom for the last ten minutes because she heard Amy walk through her front door. Avoid, avoid, avoid. In reality she can probably only get away with maybe five more minutes before it starts getting weird.
Of course Molly whisked Amy off to the kitchen for some weird new recipe. Things are weird but no one really deserves more than ten minutes alone with her mom and her concoctions.
She can hear her mom yammering on about who knows what when she finally makes her appearance. Amy is hesitantly sipping on a carbonated green beverage. It concerns Karma that her parents think this is any way to treat a guest – Amy hasn't been a guest in years but Karma's pretty sure that's way besides the point. It's just baffling to her that they can't at least try to be considerate and have food that's at least semi edible.
"Amy, honey, it's that really great detox tea with a shot of wheatgrass I was telling you about yesterday," Amy's nodding politely and trying really hard to hide her disgust. It's basically hilarious. "Are you hungry? Lucas and I just made fresh quinoa and I can put some marmite in it. Gives it a really great flavor – we just got it specially imported from Australia, it has a whole different flavor than the British version you normally have to get shipped-"
"Mom! I have to borrow Amy. We… I've been working on some music she has to hear. You know Amy's opinion is my gold standard," she smiles, grabs Amy's arm and literally hauls her up the steps and away from whatever in the fuck her mom's offering.
Karma is twenty years old and still has no actual clue what half the food in her own kitchen is. She supposes if she asked her parents they'd explain - but really what college kid wants to eat anything other than ramen and Cheetos? Her parents can get the fuck out of town with their kombucha and kale.
These days she finds herself sharing meals with Amy more than her parents anyway.
The Karma Ashcroft at sixteen that broke Amy's heart is drastically different than the Karma that's dragging Amy up to her room.
This new and improved Karma came to the conclusion three years ago that she very well could be bisexual. It was at least a year after all the crap with the Liam/Amy/Karma triangle from hell. And she had a few months where she kind of lost it a little bit, but Amy has been her rock. Amy got her through the nights when she didn't know which way was up.
It's been three years and they've never re-visited the fact that Amy was in love with her but Karma's certainly thought about it. She's been thinking about it on and off ever since she accepted the fact that she's definitely attracted to women in a very real way.
There's also the fact that Amy wasn't single when Karma finally figured herself out. Amy was with Reagan and once Karma stopped trying so hard to stake her territory she realized she actually sort of liked Reagan. It's strange but Karma and Reagan are friends now and there was no way in hell she was going to be some home wrecker bitch just because she's capable of acknowledging the fact that her best friend is beautiful.
But Amy and Reagan split a year and a half ago; it was completely mutual and amicable but Karma knows it secretly broke Amy just a little bit. And so Karma had pushed any and all thoughts right out the window because Amy didn't need that from her.
"Good save," Amy says as she throws herself back on Karma's bed.
"I wouldn't even wish wheatgrass and marmite on Liam." Amy shakes her head at Karma's words and laughs.
Liam's been out of the picture for a few years now. He and Karma are still acquaintances but Amy avoids him like the plague.
"Did you wanna watch something?" Amy asks at the same time Karma blurts out, "so you kissed me yesterday."
The stare down that ensues seems never-ending.
"I did," Amy answers like she's telling Karma about the weather.
Karma rolls her eyes. This is so Amy.
"Any particular reason why?"
"I wanted to."
This conversation is really getting them places. Amy is being vague as all get out. It's becoming extremely apparently that this isn't something that she wants to be discussing. But what else are they supposed to do?
That not communicating thing they're so good at just tends to ruin them and Karma is in no mood for a repeat of sophomore year. That shit was hard enough the first time. They're both home on Christmas break from their respective colleges. If they don't figure this out now Karma knows they'll both just go back to school and it'll get pushed away even further until it drives this weird wedge between them. They learned a few years ago that all of those things they leave unsaid are what will ultimately ruin them.
A fire truck squeals somewhere in the background. It's December and the faint glow of Christmas lights are sneaking in through the cracks in the blinds.
"You need to give me a little more than that," Karma says as she's sitting next to Amy on the bed.
It's not that Karma can blame Amy for being hesitant about the whole thing. The last time anything like this went down Karma's only response was to reveal an affair with Liam.
Amy gives absolutely no indication that she's going to answer.
"Amy, do you have feelings for me?"
Karma smiles as Amy's head whips around. It's déjà vu but she did that on purpose. She's praying that the smile on her face lets Amy know the ending to this scene is going to play out a little differently than it did five years ago.
"You're kind of the worst sometimes," Amy says.
It takes all of two seconds before Amy's grinning like a fool. It probably isn't fair but Karma's totally aware she's pretty much Amy's version of kryptonite.
The phone ringing bursts their little bubble and Amy fishes through her pockets to check the screen.
"Who is it?"
Amy turns quickly and kisses Karma – it catches her completely off guard.
"Literally no one important," she mumbles without ever taking her lips away. Karma thinks Amy should never stop kissing her. Not for anything. College and work and friends be damned.
Amy kisses like a god damn pro. It's been four years and Karma can feel the confidence that wasn't there back in high school. It's a really bizarre thought but she thinks for a second she'd love to thank Reagan because where else could this skill have come from?
Kissing Amy feels a lot like the floor falling out from under Karma's feet. (Whatever the fuck she does with her tongue is like whoa). It makes that whole freak out she had about being bisexual seem completely irrational. What's the big deal if it feels like an electrical current running through her when Amy's hands are on her skin?
The bedroom door flies open noisily when Molly announces her presence. Karma has a heart attack. Amy falls off the side of the bed.
God, what the fuck?!
"Mom!"
"Oh! Girls! I'm so sorry… this is great by the way I knew you'd get back together. Amy, you are always welcome here. I know Farrah is still a little unwelcoming but no worries we don't enforce open door policies. Karma is twenty now and we know you both have needs-"
"Oh my God. Out. Now." Karma closes the door on her mom midsentence. Whatever. It's like the second time they've ever kissed - her mother does not need to be involved in this just yet. If ever.
The blush on Amy's face is unbearably cute. But Karma can't even meet her eyes so she lays her head on the wall next to the door she just closed.
"Sorry."
"Don't be. It's not like I'm not used to your mom," Amy says as she grabs Karma's waist and gently turns her so they're face to face. Karma cannot even remember Amy getting up off the floor.
"Yeah, but she's so embarrassing."
"Yeah, well she has been since we were five. Besides, she was gonna find out eventually right?" Amy has to literally pry Karma's hands away from her face.
"Eventually?"
"Karma, c'mon. In what world was I going to kiss you and forget about it?"
"The one where you were in love with Reagan for years-"
"Okay. I was in love with Reagan. I'll always love Reagan. I will never lie to you about that. Reagan was a lot of firsts for me," Karma looks away and Amy leans in a little closer, "but so were you."
Insecurities have always plagued Karma. It's hard to believe she could be enough for Amy after she was just with someone like Reagan for two and a half years. And Reagan is so much older, so much more experienced. Google searches at two in the morning don't really count as experience with a girl; nor does the few erotic novels she secretly downloaded to her kindle.
"What firsts did you have with me? You lost your virginity to- well…"
Amy has the decency to glance at the floor for a second. This conversation is definitely not going to go in that direction.
"You," Amy breathes into Karma's ear, "were the first person I ever loved. And that was way before that day in the gym. You taught me how to love someone… and how to be loved. It took us a few years to get here – but maybe it was supposed to?"
"You mean that?"
"Of course I do."
"What if Reagan wants to get back together? I mean I wouldn't blame you if you left me. I'm giving you an out."
Amy is looking at her like she has completely lost her mind.
"I didn't ask you for an out. And Reagan and I aren't getting back together; we've been broken up for the last year and a half. Why would you even think that?"
"She's… I mean she's everything you ever wanted, right? She's pretty and she knows what she's doing and-"
"Karma, you're gorgeous. And everything I ever wanted? You were there when we were fifteen right? How can you even say that?" Amy chuckles a little bit and pulls her closer. "I want you, Karma. I have never wanted anyone the way I want you."
The tone in Amy's voice sends a shiver right through her. Amy certainly knows how to make a girl melt and Karma is about ten seconds away from ripping her best friend's clothes off because holy what. No one's ever made Karma feel so validated.
There are about a million colors flying behind her eyelids when Amy kisses her again. This is probably the first time in, well ever, that she's ever felt good enough for anyone. Amy makes a little noise when Karma pulls her own shirt off and she knows for sure that Amy is enjoying this as much as she is.
This isn't the usual course of action for Karma after a third kiss. Typically, she makes the guy (or girl – even if Amy's the first) really work for it for a little while. She was a naïve teenager when she slept with Liam but the few guys she's had since then have all had to put in their time to get into her pants.
But, like Amy's been around for fifteen years. They go out to eat all the time, they spend entire weekends together in bed watching movies, and they've always spent some portion of the holidays together. They're basically dating anyway, Karma decides.
Amy has totally put in her time. And Karma really doesn't wanna wait.
"Just…" Amy pauses her mission and stares at Karma waiting for her to continue.
"I can stop. We don't have to do anything we can just hang out."
"No," Karma's says as she struggles to formulate proper sentences. It's a literal chore to think when Amy is just overwhelming her. "You need to just… take everything off."
Amy raises her eyebrows, and then squints like she's trying to figure Karma out.
"You're sure?"
"I'm the most sure."
Amy snorts. "Dork."
"You love it. Now take my pants off, Raudenfeld."
Amy doesn't really need to be told twice. Karma is basically putty in Amy's hands the second she feels her fingers undoing the button and zipper. This is probably going to happen right up against the wall. There's the bed, but like, that's across the room and Karma's going to need Amy in her pants way before they make it there.
And if her mother decides to make another guest appearance she has quick access to the door. It's really a matter of convenience to just stay here. Karma really doesn't recall when Amy took her jeans all the way off but she's in her bra and underwear a lot quicker than she thought she'd be. Amy's got game.
"Matching set. Planning on getting lucky tonight?"
Amy's totally messing with her but it makes Karma blush anyway. This was so far from planned.
"No, I wasn't planning this."
"You… I can't believe this is gonna happen. I know I said it but you're so ridiculously pretty, Karma-"
"Hey, Ames…" Karma is probably going to die of anticipation. She's eighty percent sure that's what's going to happen. "Just take me. Please. I'm dying here."
Amy smiles and leans in. Karma adjusts herself up against the wall to gain some leverage when Amy finally touches her. And Jesus. Amy's hands are a lot smaller than she's used to but she's also really not used to someone who seems to actually know what the fuck they're doing. Liam always seemed like he was searching for the fucking bat cave when he tried to do anything with his hands. This meant Karma used to have to scrap the entire idea of foreplay.
But this – Amy's not fucking around. She's going to get Karma there fast. If she had known things with Amy would be like this she likes to think she would've ditched Liam's ass in high school. She's spent years being sexually unsatisfied and this one quickie against the wall in her childhood bedroom is going to top every encounter she's ever had.
Okay, she's only twenty but sex with Amy so far is mind blowing. She gets it now.
"Karma," Amy pants, "are you-"
"I'm… yeah, close. Little more… friction."
"I can do that."
Whatever the fuck adjustment Amy makes sends Karma reeling.
What has she even thought an orgasm was all these years?! Whatever has been happening has not been that. Karma literally can't catch her breath. Her pulse is out of control. Amy has one hand up next to her head on the wall and one arm is around her waist. Karma's positive Amy is the only thing that's keeping her standing.
"Amy… literally what?"
"Was it good?"
"What? Did you even just ask that? Could you not tell?"
Amy lifts her head off of Karma's shoulder and kisses this little spot near her ear that makes her tremble. Karma can hear her breathe out a low laugh.
"I've been waiting years to be able to do that to you," Amy tells her.
"You – my god. I don't even know."
Amy looks up. She looks fucking smug. Karma thinks she probably earned that look.
"So, do you wanna go get dinner tomorrow?"
Is this what's actually happening? Is Amy actually asking her on a date while she's still in the afterglow of the most amazing sex of her life?
Karma takes her hands and wipes under her eyes for any smeared mascara. She probably looks like literal hell. Amy could've at least waited like ten minutes.
"Are you asking me out?"
"Oh, I'm sorry. Was this a one night stand?"
Karma scoffs.
"Please. I don't do one-night stands. You could've just like waited for me to put clothes back on."
"No way. For one thing – you look so good like this," Amy stops for a minute and kisses her softly, "and second, I'm not done with you."
Well. Karma feels her body react to Amy's words and oh? That's gonna be a problem.
Amy's hands are everywhere. At this point she could be asked to dive off the Brooklyn Bridge and she'd probably agree.
"So, Karms, dinner? Tomorrow? With me?"
"Whatever…. whatever you want," Karma barely gets the words out as she grabs Amy's neck to brace herself.