Chapter Two: Lions and Tigers and Bears


Ricky tried to kill himself. Ricky. Out of all the people in the world that I knew he was the least likely, the most cynical, self-obsessed, non-depressed… the guy who sat around and made fun of movies like the Virgin Suicides because he thought they were idiots. Who would ever believe that he was in the hospital now because he actually felt something?

Amy felt so bad for Ricky and so confused for herself. She had let weakness get the best of her, but through crying and finally mourning the death of our lost child, she had actually been feeling better. It would be a bit naïve to say that she was back to the old Amy because that didn't happen like that.

People are always changing and sometimes we stray so far from where we've started that how we used to be that it becomes just that … the past, a past memory of our old selves that we may or may not be able to recognize.

At this moment she felt very un-Amy-like, brooding over whether she should go visit him in the hospital, not that he was stable, or not. What do you say to someone who thought their life was so meaningless that no one would care if they threw it away?

And then on top of that Ben would be worried and want to 'talk' about where their relationship stood, like he did every single second, Adrienne would freak about her talking to Ricky, and Ashley would tell her what she was really feeling deep down inside in her sagacious monotone that would just frankly piss Amy off.

"Uh!" Amy scoffed closing my room door once she heard her mom walk in. Right now, Ms. Juergens would be worse than the afore-mentioned people. She knew that she had two options; to pretend to sleep and hope that she wouldn't wake Amy or to get outta dodge as fast as possible.

It only took Amy a couple of seconds to make a decision. Today was her "group therapy" day, the punishment she had received for being so stupidly open about longing for her miscarried child. Imagine her parent's surprise when they saw her covered in dirt, her body encircling the coffin of their grandchild.

It was admittedly sick and a huge cry for help, but Amy didn't see it that way. She kept vacillating between allowing herself to feel something and being an hollow as a putrid oak tree far past its prime and robbed of all its goodness. Hollow or not group therapy was not happening today.

Amy made a quick escape from her bedroom window, removing her slip-on sandals before her feet met the wet grass. She couldn't get too far on foot, but far enough to take her bike for a ride. There was no place in particular that she wanted to go, but she needed to get away from life.

Amy sat on the last working porch swing face the water. Since the south side of the downtown area had been built up, no one came this way anymore, making it an obvious and easy place for Amy to go to be alone. She closed her eyes and tried to listen to the sound of the waves.

It was supposed to be really soothing, but it just made Amy really pensive, too much thinking. When Amy really sat down and let her mind wonder, back to Ricky this time, she thought about how stupid he was for trying to kill himself. He had nothing to die for.

And all that blood… He had to have slit his wrists and what a way to go out. Amy didn't know if she was brave enough to try something like that. If she had to choose... she'd do something standard, but not too forgettable, something that clearly stated that life was suffocating her to the point where she couldn't wait for it to finish her off.

She'd do it herself, rather than being tortured any longer. She would overdose, but what Ricky did… That was the way to go out with a 'bang.' No one would forget the guy who slit his wrists, but the girl who took pills? A dime a dozen.

… Sigh. She sighed, opening her eyes and preparing herself to get back on her bike and just go. Maybe she should just find somewhere else to go.

"Amy! Amy, is that you?" Lauren's voice entered the scene as Amy repressed an eye roll. Besides Madison, Lauren was the biggest gossip in school which probably stemmed from the fact that her own life was so boring. Amy would never tell her that though but instead she turned around and smiled a tight smile and waved.

Smiling always made people a little less suspicious about what you were really thinking and as long as she could manage to talk, about anything, Lauren would eventually go away and leave her alone. Silence put people on their guard as well.

"Hey Lauren…" Amy was suddenly lost for words. Speaking to her old friends hadn't really been her thing since, well since they thought she had tried to kill herself.

"What are you doing at this creepy area downtown? You know my dad says…" Amy got lost in the long series of sentences that Lauren pushed together so quickly and with ease.

"I know what you're thinking." Lauren continued as touching Amy's arm, which got her tuned back into the conversation.

"What's that?"

"You're thinking about Ricky--"

"No I'm … not."

"I'm not judging, but I'm asking if you want to go visit him, you know I won't say anything." Amy nodded, refusing to look her friend in the eyes in fear that her own eyes would reveal too much. Lauren's sudden embrace and smile only made Amy want to shudder, but now it was okay to feel something.

Amy walked her way through the sterile white walls in the hallway. Even they couldn't hide the underlying smell and feel of death. It was this persistent reminder of the day she had been dragged her, unconscious yet bleeding profusely.

She took a deep breath and tried to make herself focus on her mission and reason for being here. Amy needed to talk to Ricky and get inside his head to figure out… everything. She still owed him a scolding about the car crash to begin with, but for some reason she couldn't bring herself to hate him or even blame him. If a series of things had been done differently, their little child would be alive and kicking now … focus.

When Amy found Ricky's room she stood outside of the door for a little while, hovering, stalling, smiling at the people that walked pasted her and gave her a curious look. Eventually she would have to go and in when Amy did … someone had already beaten her there. Her split second, natural guess was Adrienne, but she knew this girl's figure a little too well. And she was holding Ricky's hand…

"Ashley?"

"It's about time that you got here." She answered in her nonchalant know-it-all way as though her being here wasn't strange or even a little off. "I'm going to leave now." Ashley said to Ricky, patting his hand and standing up.

"What are you doing here?" Amy asked accusingly.

"I knew you would come here to get out of 'group therapy' eventually, so … I just beat you to it. You two are seriously messed up and need to talk." Ashley waltzed past Amy confidently.

"This conversation didn't happen." Amy threatened, grabbing her little sister by the arm. "I mean it Ashley."

Amy walked towards Ricky sauntering at such as slow pace that it almost looked like she hadn't moved. It was a lot like someone who had been walking the plank, hoping for some type of intervening party or something.

This gave Ricky enough time to gather his thoughts and try to look presentable … well, as good as he could under the circumstances. When they were finally within touching distance, Amy avoided his eyes, staring instead at the weird contraptions surrounding his hospital bed.

"It's an IV." He answered sighing and staring at Amy as intensely as possible. He had taken a completely normal girl's life and ruined it. Ricky had turned Amy into a 'just say no to sex' public announcement and he wasn't sorry for it. Not a bit. He struggled to make eye contact with her as Amy sat down in the chair that Ashley had occupied earlier.

"I know what it is." She snapped, revealing more emotion than he had seen from her since that night at band camp. "But … why do you have it? You've been here for two weeks, right?" Ricky nodded noting that she had been counting down the days that he'd been here. That meant that she was either worried or happily waiting for him to die.

"Yeah." Ricky answered as Amy started to touch the IV cautiously. He watched as she looked at the other machines, eventually, returning to the IV and his hand. Uh-oh. He knew what was coming next … the standard, 'I'm so sorry Ricky … why did you do it…'

"Did it hurt?" Amy wondered suddenly, looking at Ricky for the first time. Ricky contemplated having a moment of unguarded truth with Amy, but he quickly changed his mind because if he said it, all he'd be doing was hurting her and that's the last thing he wanted to do. He lay helpless in the hospital bed, partly because of his decision to not only slit his wrists, but to do it in the bathtub and break his legs so he couldn't back out or call for help.

When he neglected to answer, she started talking about how she wanted to kill herself too. How, everything had really been getting to her lately and Ricky was so distracted by the fact that she was talking to him, and the feel of her soft hand rubbing against his that he didn't stop her. He just listened, really listened and without thinking about sex.

That was his form of escapism, the one thing he knew that he could do well, besides play the drums and manipulate people into doing what he wanted, but with Amy in this moment, all he could do was watch the expressions on her face change from serious to pensive to pain. She was in so much pain of which he had been the source of.

"You should go." He interrupted suddenly.

"Go? I just got here." Amy responded, stunned. Here she was pouring her heart out about feeling so trapped in her life and he didn't care.

"I can see that I'm the one who caused you this pain and if … if I ever thought that you'd end up here because of me, that you'd try to kill yourself over things that I did to you, I wouldn't be able to go on Amy." Ricky breathed suddenly.

"What are you saying Ricky?" She asked, holding her breath. Ricky didn't know if he could say it out loud. Did someone like him even deserve to feel something like this for anyone else and to possibly … have those feelings returned? He struggled to sit up, grunting as Amy stood up to help him, a small piece of her hair stroking the corner of his lips.

Ricky took in a deep breath, and even though the façade of being a woman, through her past history of very grown-up experiences, he could still very clearly see the innocence in her, the beauty that drew him in. He instinctively reached up to move the hair back into place as Amy giggled in response.

"What are you doing?" She asked with laughter in her eyes. She tucked the hair back into place and continued to help Ricky sit up, removing her left hand from her pocket to do so. A large diamond ring glistened on her hand. That was at least worth 25 grand, easy.

"Is that from Ben?"

"Yes." Amy answered quietly as Ricky rubbed his hands together. So he wasn't too wrong about his life after all. He wouldn't have that chance to give Amy what she deserved, to redeem himself from taking her virginity in the cruelest way possible, on top of a cold washing machine without even asking her if it was okay… "Don't look so shocked."

"I'm not."

"You are." Amy contradicted him. "Ben and I got married before you even did this to yourself." She looked at him with disgust and an almost jealousy that made Ricky sick to his stomach. "We're still waiting for the papers to come in the mail to finalize it, but for all intensive purposes, I'm Ms. Boykewich." Amy gave him a tight smile.

"So you love him?"

"Yes. I love Ben." Amy replied coldly and defensively. "We're looking into getting our own place and everything. My mom is making me get a job and Ben's dad is giving him a job at the shop. So … I think it's going to work out fine."

"Except you want to kill yourself." Ricky chimed in boldly. "That's not alright. Not to Ben or mom or your sister--"

"What about you? Would you care either way?" Amy wondered, reaching for Ricky's right wrist, the one closet to her. She carefully started to tug at the bandage…

"Don't." Ricky pulled away. "I don't want you to see it." He responded, ashamed.

"Please … I just want to…" She begged continuing to remove the bandages until scarred, reddish-pink skin was revealed. The scars were so deep, so neatly done, so planned. Amy ran her fingers along the scars, now sitting on the side of his bed to do so. Her eyes brimmed with tears thinking about Ricky doing this to himself. "You did it perfectly … how does it feel to know that you failed? That you thought you could end your life, but God stepped in and made you came back here?"

"It's worth it for moments like this." Ricky said slowly, reaching for the side of Amy's face and motioning for her to come closer to him, if she dared. As his lips brushed hers, Amy pulled away as if she had just experienced an electric shock.

"I'm married."

"And I'm crazy… at least that's what everyone is telling me. And you know what Amy… crazy people can't be held accountable for what they do. We have no rules." He bravely reached for Amy again, but she wasn't budging. Ben had been so good to her and just the thought…

Amy wasn't moving closer, but she hadn't moved too far away either, which told Ricky a lot. It took every ounce of strength he had to make sure his lips reached her and when they did, it was like the world had disappeared and they had created their own, one where only the two of them mattered.

When the two parted, Amy was gasping for air. Ricky couldn't read the expression on her face or tell what she thought about it. It was the first time he felt insecure about his ability to please a girl. Licking his lips, he could taste the lip balm that had been on her lips. "You're beautiful." He whispered as Amy rolled her eyes.

"You call that a line?"

"I call it the truth."

"Thanks for ruining it Ricky." Amy huffed with a sigh. Part of her wanted to kiss him again, ever since he had done what he did to her. She'd spent nights wondering… "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Sure." He smiled his overly arrogant grin. "Just make sure to do it when Adrienne's not around." Ricky motioned to the voluptuous Mexican girl that was walking through the room door. Of course. Amy had forgotten all about her.

"Hello Amy." Adrienne hissed, growing territorial. "Keeping Ricky company?"

"No … I-I was just leaving…."

"Good."

When Amy finally made it home on her bike, it was close to dark. Her cell phone had been ringing since she went to the waterfront, but she just turned it off. That way it'd be easier to lie about not knowing that her mom and dad had been calling her all day.

She opened the front door and braced herself for another intervention. Instead, what she got was a worried Ben and an unconcerned Ashley, sitting down and reading a book. Since when was she the geek of the family?

"Your parents are out looking for you." Ben commented, rushing to hug Amy who let herself melt into his arms. Her mind was no longer on the hospital and Ricky now that she could see how worried Ben was. He cared about her. He loved her and she wasn't going to let a couple of unresolved things with Ricky ruin their marriage.

"Did the papers come in yet?"

"Not yet." Ben sighed.

"We should really give them a call and find out what the holdup is." Amy suggested, sounding perturbed, which was becoming more and more normal for her. It had been six weeks and nothing so far.

"I'll handle that tomorrow." Ben promised. "So, do you want to tell me where you've been?"

"Not really."

"As your husband, I deserve to know…" Amy grimaced. Uh-oh. Not the husband card again. She promised to tell Ben what was going on if he would take the drama away from Ashley. She knew too much already.

When it was just the two of them back in her room, she told him what had happened, or rather a version of the truth. She talked about wanting to skip therapy and how she enlisted Lauren's help and went to hang out with her for a while.

"Lauren's not allowed to hang out with you anymore." Ben argued back. Oh yeah … Amy had forgotten about that. She quickly covered by explaining that was the whole secret. That's why she had to leave on her bike, return on her bike, and not tell anymore where she was … it was for Lauren's sake. And when he asked where Madison stood in all of this, Amy shrugged and suggested that Lauren was better at keeping secrets, which she was, but not by much.

Ben hugged Amy tightly and apologized for questioning her and kissed her vehemently. She knew what this meant. The way that Ben was looking at her, and the fact that the parental units were gone, signaled a rare, yet golden opportunity for the both of them. He wanted to have sex with her, but Amy didn't want to.

That was the last thing that she wanted to do with … anyone. Since she was the more experienced one out of the two of them, she knew what she was talking about and what she knew was that sex was over-rated. Sure, she'd seen the steamy love scene in Titanic and Cruel Intentions and thought to herself that it was going to be the most beautiful thing in the world, but Amy had forgotten two important things: 1. Loving the person that you're doing it with 2. Not being anywhere near a washing machine … oh yeah, and not getting pregnant.

Ben kissed Amy again, more forcefully, rubbing his hands up and down the sides of her body, which only made her giggle. "Wait. Stop." She chuckled. "I can't do this."

"Amy, come on. Isn't this the reason we got married?" Ben reasoned.

"You tell me." Her expression became stern, her hands on her hips.

"It's not the reason sweet pea, but an important advantage to being married."

"You keep saying that we're married and we act out the parts, but I don't see any official papers." Amy proclaimed.

"You're right." Ben sighed. "I'm sorry for … pressuring you into doing something you don't want to do. I'd never want to make you uncomfortable or see you unhappy in any way." He ranted, holding Amy lovingly but not lustfully. "And I apologize." He kissed her softly.

"Okay." Amy breathed, happy to be off the hook. It wasn't that she didn't want to be with Ben in that way, it was just that she … she couldn't see herself doing it with anyone ever again. Ever.

Amy didn't return the next day or the day after that or the day after that. Ricky had resigned himself into believing that his life would be full of disappointments, with only Adrienne being on time for their daily quickie.

That kept him satisfied … enough, but he really just wanted to talk to someone besides the psychoanalyst that came to visit him and check his mental health.

The one thing that Ricky did know how to do was to charm anyone into believing what he wanted. Adrienne thought they were okay and the doctor was three visits away from believing that there was absolutely nothing wrong with him. Ricky smirked to himself. Life sucked, but he wasn't as down as he was during the attempt.

He called in the nurse, who he had been flirting with shamelessly, to help him to the bathroom.

"Most patients in your condition have a bed pan." She responded. "I could hook it up for you."

"As much as you'd like that…" Ricky called out from the bathroom. "I hated that thing. I have to learn to walk sometime." He finished his business, washed his hands, and took a quick look in the mirror. He needed a nice shave, but he gave up on that idea when he realized that Amy probably wasn't going to show up and Adrienne liked it. So whatever.

"You okay in there?" The nurse wondered as Ricky moved slowly through the door with this walker leading the way. "Looking good."

"You too." Ricky winked at her thinking that he'd get her number once he left this place … maybe.

"Ummm … Ricky?" Amy's diffident voice squeaked, breaking the conversation between the two. "I brought you these." She placed a vase of flowers on one of the counters in the room, the nurse dismissed herself and Ricky continued walking.

"Do you need help getting back in the bed?"

"No. I'm not old just a little broken up." He shrugged off her help as Amy got a view of his exposed butt. Soft, firm and…

"So, when do you get out of here?" She forced her attention away from his naked body part.

"Planning another visit anytime soon?" Ricky inquired, only slightly bitter about being stood up for about a week now. "Don't answer that. I'm going home today actually." He looked over to see Amy's bummed expression. "But you can come over any time you want."

"Why does that sound like another line?"

"I can't move around without a walker Amy. How could I possibly to anything to you?" He rationalized, struggling to get his legs back onto the bed. She rushed to help him, despite his protests, finding a release in coming to visit Ricky.

Of course that meant that from this moment on Amy would have to go to his house for a visit, which she did. In spite of what most people would think upon hearing this, they really did just talk, mostly … until Ricky got bold and started to caress whatever part of her body was nearest to him. Then she'd giggle, becoming suddenly ticklish and she'd lean in enough to kiss him.

Sometimes it felt like she was just being kind to Ricky, helping him to recover. Her kisses her like charity work or something, but then there were those times when she felt like kissing wasn't the proper word for what he was doing do her.

He was calling to her innermost feelings, thoughts, the intangible and her very essence. It was these times that concerned her. When she craved to feel the heat of his lips gliding onto hers, his rough hands exploring the uncovered parts of her body, the sinking of her teeth into his bottom lip playfully.

Amy had never been this way with … anyone and to be at Ricky's house on the regular, meeting his foster parents, spending more time in his room than in Ben's, it was all so wrong. It wasn't wrong because they were doing anything physical because face it, like Ricky said he couldn't really do much of anything, much less anything with Amy.

It was wrong because they were starting to mean something to one another. She was finally able to articulate what she had been feeling and what she had been thinking when she decided to marry Ben. They talked about their lost baby, Amy's idea of the perfect suicide, Ricky threatening to kill her if she ever tried it and Amy kissing Ricky's scar as if her lips had some sort of healing power.

To him, they did. Each day he got up knowing that she would come for him, that she would sneak away from practice to sequester herself in his room, bringing his school assignments and whatever he needed. He didn't want to think about what would happen when he went back to school as pre-suicide Ricky and without any real reason for Amy to come around. But he should be pleased with the four and a half months they'd had together in secret.

Yet … Adrienne was still calling, the nurse was calling, and everyone kept asking him why. Amy knew why. He thought he was doing it for her to … atone for how he had destroyed her life. Ricky thought that was what she wanted to see happen, and that he should give her what she wanted for once.

"Don't you ever do that again. Swear it." Amy responded angrily when she heard his explanations for the suicide attempt. "Even when I hated you, I never really hated you. Ever." She looked down sadly, tears in her eyes. Ricky knew what was coming.

"I'm sorry about that night Amy that … that was how your first time was with anyone. I took that away from you--"

"I wanted something to happen between us. You … intrigued me and I should've told you no. I would've but I didn't want to." She licked her lips, lacing her hand in his. Ricky struggled to sit up as she slid closer to him, curving her body around his.

Ricky held onto her tightly and protectively, in that moment wanting to tell her that he loved her. But that would ruin it. He knew it would and he wasn't really sure of what that word meant, but Ricky knew that Amy had transformed him almost completely. When she started to kiss him like only a woman should, Ricky pulled away slightly.

"You don't want to do this. You don't want to have sex with me."

"I thought I didn't, but I do." She whispered, searching his eyes for some type of hidden meaning, but unable to.

He kissed her softly before muttering, "I'm still seeing Adrienne and … all those other girls."

"Then stop." Amy demanded, slightly hurt.

"I don't think I can … and I don't want to do this with you. Not like this … not until I'm not screwed up."

"If you can sleep with Adrienne then why can't you do the same with me?" Amy crossed her hands over her chest. Here it goes. Should he tell her now? Would his tongue even be able to utter those words?

"Sex means nothing to me and the girls that I sleep with mean nothing. I'm afraid that … that it will change things between us. You're the only one who really knows me and who is still here with me."

"It's not fair." She pouted, tears spilling over her cheeks freshly. "You can pick up a random girl off the street, but you won't give me a chance. Is this because you're afraid that I'll get pregnant again?"

"No." Ricky looked away, trying to maintain his stance on this, but it hurt to see her so unhappy…

"If you're not going to … then why am I here?" Amy asked herself, pulling on the cardigan that she had slipped off earlier. She knew that she was just here to use Ricky. He was a sort of catharsis and a way to avoid the Juergens-Boykewich household. "I'm going." A couple of tears ran down her cheeks.

"Don't leave mad at me like this…" Ricky begged. "I can't promise that I won't sleep with Adrienne again--"

"I'm not asking you to do that. I know who you are Ricky and I know what you want. You want this." Amy pressed, stroking his hair softly as he wrapped his arms around her, whispering into her ear … "If you can't go through with it, if you want to stop, tell me and I swear I'll stop."

"I don't want to." Another tear spilled over her cheek, as she removed her cardigan carefully. She took her time, her heart pounding so hard that she could feel it pulsating through her fingertips.

"Nervous?" Ricky kissed her forehead softly, sending a bolt of electricity through her body. "Don't be. I'll take care of you." He promised as Amy helped him to remove his shirt. This was what she wanted. Redemption.

Amy felt his hands moving in places that only she had touched, but she didn't flinch because she felt safe. Safe and at home. Ricky felt that this was his one chance to show Amy, even if he couldn't tell her, how he felt.

The way he touched her and kissed her, it wasn't like any of the lascivious encounters he'd had with Adrienne with role-playing and everything. He didn't feel like he was forcing himself upon her to the point where it hurt, but not too much. Instead … it felt like a song, a secret melody that the two of them shared. It was slow, yet unplanned, careful yet carefree and it just flowed …

When it was over, Ricky looked over at Amy, expecting to see a disgusted look on her face. She smiled, kissing his nose, caressing his hair and thanking him.

"I'll never forget this." Amy promised, dressing in front of Ricky and giving him the opportunity to see her naked like this. She was golden, glowing, and slender yet round in the right places … a combination between a boyish figure and a girl budding into womanhood.

"Where are you going?" Ricky wondered, pleased with himself.

"Home … I've got to meet Ben." Ricky tried not to look disappointed. "Don't feel bad. This was … heart-stoppingly beautiful." Amy smiled, embarrassed. "I didn't think that it would ever be like … that."

"Then … why are you leaving?" Ricky prompted, now assuming the role of all the other girls that had chased after him in vain.

The truth was that this encounter with Ricky was much more intense than Amy thought it would be. She couldn't handle it. She wasn't going to allow herself to stay here a second longer and think that she maybe, could possibly be … falling for "the drummer."

"I promised Ben we'd do something tonight. Thanks…" She grinned, not even giving Ricky a goodbye kiss. That would be too dangerous because she might not want to leave.

"Did I do something wrong? Did I hur--"

"No. It was perfect … now I know what to do when Ben asks again. Thank you." Amy rushed out the last words, truly believing that this was the cruelest thing that she had ever done. She rushed out of his house, waiting until the door slammed before she allowed herself to cry. It was so beautiful. So beautiful, that it had to end. She exhaled deeply, lowered her head, and started off on the short bike ride home.

(A/N: Based off of Jazmine Sullivan's Lions and Tigers and Bears. I was initially inspired by Yellow, but I like this one better. What do you think? It's now a two-shot. Review please. If a get enough feedback, this might turn into a THREE-shot!! Luv. –NL)