His week was up. He had taken me to the Eiffel Tower, the lush green lands of Ireland and so many places it made my head spin. Together we walked through the front door of the Cullens home. Alice danced to my side smiling as the rest of the family appeared.
"Welcome home Bella!" her voice rang through the air.
"Welcome home." The family said in a chorus of angelic voices. Yes. I was home.
"Thank you." I beamed. Edward tighten his hold on my waist. He had been in turmoil all day. I was glad it was about to be over, I hated to see him like this.
"You'll have to tell me all about it Bella." Alice sang.
"You're telling me you didn't see it for yourself before we even went." I said to her, knowing full well she did.
"I still want to hear about it! All that shopping!" her face lit up as she remembered the expensive Paris boutiques.
I laughed, "Of course I'll tell you Alice. But after." They all knew what I meant. I was ready, I wanted to do it soon before Edward could back out. He had been wrestling with this all day.
"Everything is ready. I don't know if it will make any difference but I've got some morphine." Carlisle smiled, like a doctor does for a patient before a painful surgery. "Everything will be alright." He assured me, but I think it was more for Edwards sake than mine.
"Lets do get this over with." I said as Edward tightened his grip on my waist.
Edward and Carlisle led me to a room with only a bed and a chair in it. My stomach tightened, he was going to sit there, next to me the whole time. His pain worse than mine I feared.
Edward stared at Carlisle, listening to his thoughts intently. I assumed Carlisle was telling him how to do it. I hoped he was reassuring him that he could do this. That it was going to be ok. No matter how many times I told him he was still plagued with doubt. I sat down on the bed, smoothing out the wrinkles on the comforter.
Carlisle had in his hand a very large needle that made my stomach flip. It seemed silly I was more afraid of that needle than Edward, like I should be. I took a deep breath and smiled at Edward. "I'm ready."
Edward looked at Carlisle who nodded, and left the room. He looked back at me, "I want you to know what's going to happen, so you won't be surprised."
I nodded, and was grateful he was going to be straight forward with me. I had a vague idea, but nothing solid. "Thank you."
"Don't thank me. I'm about to kill you…"
"But I'm going to come back." I held his hand in mine and squeezed it tightly.
He sighed and continued. "I have to… I have to drink until your heart almost stops. To make sure the venom will take quickly. The pain will be almost instant and it will creep through your veins." His eyes were tortured, he was remembering his own pain and hated to bring such a thing upon me. "You'll be in and out, and it will hurt for three days though I doubt you'll know one day from the next. When the pain subsides you'll be… a vampire."
I could only nod, words stuck to my throat. I wanted to comfort him, tell him it wouldn't be so bad. It was only three days. But nothing would come out.
"Are you ready?" he asked me. I could only nod. "I love you Bella Marie Cullen."
"I love you." Was all I could force out of my throat. He kissed me and then pulled unwillingly away.
I could hear him whisper Carlisles name and again he was standing behind Edward. Needle ready. I knew why he was there. Edward didn't trust himself, Carlisle was his safety net. I was slightly embarrassed to have him there but didn't object.
Edward pulled my hair away from my neck, brushing his fingers against my skin. I could see his eyes flash red with hunger. He leaned in and kissed my neck gently. "I'm so sorry…"I heard him whisper before I felt his teeth sink into my neck. I didn't scream, I didn't make a sound. I wouldn't let him know it hurt if I didn't have to. I could immediately feel the venom spread through my veins like fire. My eyes welled up and tears fell. It burned, more than the last time I had been bitten. The fire seared my veins and I could feel the blood draining from my body. I clutched the sheets and bit my lip trying not to scream. I could feel my body going cold despite the fire raging through it. Blackness closed in around me and I was lost in the searing pain of the fire.
The days were a haze of pain. I could barely register his cold hand in mine as I writhed in pain on the bed. It was the worst pain I had ever felt. Thoughts barely formed in my mind above it. Day and night meant nothing I only wished for it to end. I couldn't remember why I did this only that I couldn't scream. No matter what I did I couldn't scream, I knew that deep inside even though the reasons were lost behind the pain. When by body lay limp with exhaustion I could see his face and traces of why flittered across my mind; barely able to surface above the torrents of pain. Carlisle gave up on the morphine, it didn't help. Nothing did. For three days I floated in and out of consciousness, though it felt like eternity for me. I couldn't comprehend how long it had been or if it was coming close to an end or not. I only pleaded with every god I knew to make it end.
Slowly my eyes fluttered open. I could hear everything. I could smell things with such intensity. It was overwhelming. My head felt as if it would explode from the onslaught of these sensations. My throat burned intensely and I was beyond hunger. I rolled to my side covering my head in my arms. I could hear someone stop breathing, stop moving. Then I smelled him. It was intense, it was so strong and powerful it overwhelmed me. Yet I couldn't get enough of it, I pulled my arms down and rolled into the direction of the smell. It was more overpowering than the burning of the throat. I looked at him as he sat motionless. Still as a statue, staring at me, waiting. My mind began to turn on and suddenly not only could I process every sensation but I could think clearly. I was focusing on so many things at once and yet I wasn't distracted from his eyes. They were full of intensity, fear, sorrow, regret, and love.
I reached my hand out to touch his face, "It doesn't hurt anymore. Please don't look that way." I pulled myself up with surprising ease and pulled him close to me. The smell of his hair, his skin tingled my nose.
"Can you still love me after what I just did to you?" he asked, burying his face in my neck.
"I couldn't stop loving you if I tried." I pulled him down to the bed with me, running my fingers through his hair. "It's okay now, it's all over." I whispered to him, desperately trying to soothe his pain. Together we laid there, as I whispered again and again telling him everything was ok. That I loved him and it was ok now. Soon my hunger came back. It was more intense than before. Demanding my attention. I desperately tried to push it to the side. I wasn't going to let it control me. But it was strong, it made every inch of me pulse with it. I was beginning to have trouble focusing. I couldn't sit still, I wanted to move, to find something to devour. Then I heard the door knob turn I quickly tensed, not knowing what was coming and ready to eat it should it be food. Instead it was Alice. She moved slowly and deliberately.
She stared at me for a minute, then to Edward who still hadn't moved. I tightened my grip on him, clinging to him trying to stifle the hunger I was feeling. It was consuming most of my thoughts. And I knew that soon it would take over all of them.
"Are you hungry Bella?" she asked, already knowing the answer. I could feel my hunger rising in me. Struggling to take control.
Slowly Edward got up and pulled me with him. My hunger grew with every second. It was everything in me not to give in. "Lets go Bella, before…" his voice trailed off as the two of them led me into the house and out into the woods. I could smell the trees and all the creatures in the woods. I could hear their little squirrel heart beats and smell their blood. The lust and hunger grew in me as I saw the buck tied to a tree, Emmet standing next to it ready to let it loose. Every ounce of control I had was flushed away and I ran to the creature. It's heartbeat filling the air, its scent overwhelming. Emmet let the animal go and it took off into the woods. I ran after it without thinking. It was no match for me I caught up to it in minutes. I caught the buck and sank my teeth into it, its warm blood soothing the burning in my throat as I wrestled it to the ground. Its blood filling my stomach. When I felt its heart stop I pulled away, my senses returning. I stared at the huge deer lying limp in front of me. I scooted away from it full of guilt. It never had a chance. And the hunger was still there, intense and overwhelming. The deer had barely made a dent in the wall of my immense hunger. Then I smelled Edward. He had seen it all. My loss of control and disgusting hunger. I was covered in blood and I could smell it, only incurring my hunger.
"Bella." His voice rang out in the air. Pulling my focus, my control.
I lost it. "I'm so hungry, I'm afraid I can't control this! How do you do it! I want to go find another, something bigger and better! But I feel so guilty! Why can't I control it! It's overwhelming! I can hear them out there, all of them talking about me. Waiting for me to run! I can hear every movement of every creature and smell everything. I can smell the blood of the deer and it's driving me insane! And here you are talking about getting me cleaned up so I can do this all over again! And I want to! I want to devour everything! I want to run into town and go from house to house!" I got up with a start and started running. I ran in the direction I heard Emmet talking. I knew he would stop me, knock me down. And he did. He grabbed me mid stride and threw me the ground with such force. I was glad for it. To feel the pain, for it to overwhelm the hunger. But I could also feel anger, and I wanted to attack him. I heard him plead that I wouldn't get up, and hoping secretly that I did all at the same time. Without thinking I shot up from the ground and barreled into him, sending him flying through the aur breaking through several trees before catching himself. He charged at me, I braced myself. Seconds before he came crashing into me there was Edward, stopping him dead in his tracks. A terrifying snarl gurgled from his throat as he stood in front of me.
Emmet just smiled, "She started it." And laughed. Then I suddenly noticed it. I could hear him talking to Edward, but his lips never moved. His thoughts were on making sure I didn't escape, and that I had been much stronger than he anticipated. That I was going to be a handful and that Jasper might win the bet.
I stood staring at him, and then heard Edward, Alice, Esme all of them in my head. I fell to the ground holding my head. "STOP THINKING!!!!" was all I could scream. Edward whipped around, his mind filled with panic. "Stop, stop thinking I can't handle it!" Suddenly an onslaught of feelings that weren't mine bombarded me. But the calming waves suddenly warped into feelings of confusion, panic and shot out again. Suddenly every thought was filled with panic, confused everyone struggled to keep calm. Not understanding what was happening to them. In a panic I shot up and took off running, trying to put as much distance between them as me. Hoping the voices would stop if I was far enough away. I ran as fast as I could the voices trailing off till there were only two. Mine and Edwards. His mind was racing, he wondered if I could hear his thoughts, and trying to remember how Alice kept him out. I slowed to a stop, feeling that even though I wasn't alone I could handle just one voice. He kept wondering what I was thinking, what I was hearing. It unnerved him to think I could hear his thoughts. He quickly gained control. Thinking deliberately, blocking off all panic.
Can you hear me Bella?
"Of course I can hear you, you're right next to me." Then I realized he wasn't speaking. My voice dropped, "yeah…can you hear me?" I thought hard babbling in my brain.
"No, I can't hear you."
"I don't understand! What was that! How can I hear them? And that wave of panic… it stopped being just mine. I somehow made everyone feel that way!"
"I don't know Bella. We had no idea what you would be able to do. But to be able to do all this, this was beyond anything we expected." I could hear all the things he thought I was going to be able to do. Then suddenly it became nothing more than a whisper in my head. Then suddenly I was alone in my mind.
"It stopped. I can't hear you. I just stopped!" relief washed over me. I could feel him still, and he wasn't as relieved as I was. Then suddenly he was only struggle with the false emotions he knew weren't his.
"What do you mean? It stopped?" He took a step closer, I could feel the fear and confusion that came over him. Then suddenly nothing.
"There… it all stopped. I can't hear you, I can't feel you. I'm me again." I closed my eyes and breathed. My hunger started to creep in as relief washed over me. But it was more subdued. But always clawing away at my control.
"That panic was you? You did that?" he stepped closer to me. Slowly, not wanting to set me off again.
"I don't know…at… at first I didn't know that everyone wasn't just talking. I heard them all in the woods. Thinking of how to stop me if I came at them. Esme hoping I wouldn't, Emmet and Japser actually hoping for it. I…I looked at the deer and I headed for Emmet. Hoping he would stop me, throw me down and back to my senses. But then when he knocked me down like I knew he would I was so angry. I couldn't control it. Then I felt Jasper trying to calm me down and I sent it back with a wave of the panic I was feeling...and then…" I trailed off, my mind ablaze. This was too much.
He was next to me by the end and pulled me close. I could feel my mind slowing down as I stood in his arms. I began to focus and again I could smell the stale deer blood, and it started to drive me mad. I needed to clean it off, I couldn't fight against it. "I, I need to I can't fight it when I can smell this blood…" I trailed off. I wanted to rip the shirt off of me and run away from it but I was covered in the smell and it wouldn't matter if I was naked. I would still smell the blood.
"Lets get you home."
Together we walked silently back to the house. The closer we got the harder I listened for the voices. But I heard none. I was relieved. Edward led me upstairs to his bedroom and into the spacious bathroom.
"Lets get you cleaned up." He laid a towel on the counter and turned the water on for me.
"Thanks." I muttered sheepishly. He kissed my forehead and left me alone. I gawked as I caught my reflection in the mirror. I was so pale, paler than I'd ever been. My skin was flawless and my hair was so soft despite the dried blood splattered into it. I had lost much of my roundness only to have it replaced with soft lean muscles. My eyes smoldered back at me, bright red with hunger as I spied the red of the deer's blood against my skin. I was only holding onto my control by a thread, it never seemed to completely dissipate. I always thirsted, needed more. I hoped it would get easier soon.
I started to pull my top off only to rip it in several places. I was surprised; I barely even pulled on it. I sighed, it was ruined anyway. I tried more carefully with my jeans only to rip the button off without even trying. The fabric seemed like crepe paper under my touch. I couldn't control my hands. As hard as I tried I couldn't keep myself from tearing them. I struggled, I wanted Edward to help me. But I didn't want to seem so helpless in front of him. I gave it one more try, giving up on my jeans, leaving them on and attempted my bra. As I tried to undo the hooks, instead I ripped the strap in half.
"Damnit!" I cursed. I couldn't do anything.
"Bella?" I could hear outside the door "Are you okay?"
"No! I-" before I could get the rest out he opened the door and rushed in to find my ripped bra and shredded shirt on the ground. He broke into a booming laugh that only made it all the more embarrassing. "Stop laughing at me! I can't do this!" I pouted as I covered my exposed chest with my arms.
He looked at me as I tried to cover up, "Should I get Alice?" he asked, always the perfect gentleman.
The thought of Alice helping me brought back flashes of curling irons and painful primping. "No!"
He laughed again "Then what do you want me to do?"
I normally would have turned bright red at that thought as embarrassment washed over me. "Help me shower." I croaked. I was mortified. But I knew that I would tear this bathroom apart without him.
He smiled and removed my torn jeans and under ware in one graceful move. He removed his clothes and pulled me into the shower with him. As my need for him crept in suddenly the air was filled with the scent of blood. My hands gripped his arms as the shower revived the blood dried in my hair. I watched as the water on the white tub turned pink between our feet and my hunger began to take over.
"Bella? Bella stop breathing." He pulled my face to look at his. His eyes burning into mine willing me to control this.
"I can't just not breath!" I hissed at him.
"Yes, you can. Just stop, like you're underwater."
My whole body trembled, the scent filled the air. I held my breath, willing with all that I had that the hunger would pass. It drove me mad, I wanted to break away from his grip and go find something to eat. I started to struggle under his grip, all the while fighting against the urge to free myself.
"Fight it Bella. Think of something else, anything else." He tried to soothe me as the hunger raged through me.
I tried to think of other things, but I could only remember people I'd seen strangers that I could easily pick off one by one.
"Look at me." He pulled my face to look at my eyes. It was there, in his gaze that I remembered why I had become this. Why I had to fight against this hunger and what it was I really wanted. I fought hard, pushing the unquenchable thirst back as it struggled the gain control. I stood there staring at him until the water washed away the blood. Till it ran was clear on porcelain tub. I let my hands drop from his arms I had been clinging desperately to.
"How did you stop it? This thirst, this hunger…"
"You can't. You can only remember what it is to be who you are." He pulled me to him, the water running over us. If only it would wash away this hunger.