-1Episode Two: Love Potion # 13 Xemnas' Comment Box
Author's Note: I hope this one is funny too. The success of the first has inspired me to create a second. I hope this one is okay. Let me know?
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Dear Superior,
I believe we have a problem on our hands, Xemnas. It seems Xigbar was up to his obnoxious self again and he has tampered with my science lab. Not only does he eat fried chicken in my chair, he leaves not just the garbage behind, but he put the chicken bones into my experiments. If you do not scold him again, Mighty Superior, I may start to think you dislike me. And I may be tempted to do something very unkind to the entire Organization.
-Vexen, Number IV
PS: Even you, Superior.
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Dear Xemmy,
Was it me, or did the wine taste funny at dinner? I know I'm not old enough to officially be drinking, but Axel lets me have a sip of his now and then. I feel kind of funny and I don't want to get sick again. You remember the last time I was sick, right? And I kind of wanted to mention I felt really uncomfortable sitting next to Xaldin. He sometimes reached over and grabbed my thigh, but I didn't tell Axel. Axel gets really scary when he hurts people. Xigbar looked at me funny too…
-Roxas, Number XIII
PS: I don't know, but it seemed like Saix was staring at you funny as well. Am I missing something?
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Superior,
There is tom-foolery and shenanigans going on again. I was absent from dinner last night because unlike you all, I was actually attempting to do something for the cause of Kingdom Hearts, but it seems like everyone else is acting a little more foolish than usual. I believe those screams we heard earlier were from that foolish fool Xigbar. Luxord told me that he had foolishly attempted to openly grope Larxene. Who in their foolish minds would try to do that to her? I thought we lost our perverted-ness when we lost our hearts. Fools. I'm having some of that wine, by the way. These fools are giving me a headache.
-Zexion, Number VI
PS:…Has Lexeaus changed his hairstyle? Lost a few pounds? Is it foolish to find him…Never mind…
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Dear Diary,
The therapist says I should write everything I do in you. He said that it would help keep those dreams from coming back. Oh Diary, I don't know what to do…Ever since that wine two nights ago, things have been so strange! I was in my garden yesterday, just minding my own business when I saw him. He was with Roxas again, like he is every day, but something about him…Oh, I love him so, Diary! I haven't felt love in ages! How I want his warm arms around me! When I see him now, I can forget the knives…
-Marluxia, Number XI
PS: Diary, don't let any of your pages escape, okay? If he knew…If anyone knew! Also, I need more medication. I can't seem to find my prescription, and if I go any longer without…
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Dear Xemnas,
There is some weird shit going on right now. What do you know about it? You need to end it, Xemnas, whatever it is. The other members are causing me concern. They all want to get close to my Roxas. I'm out of cigarettes again, we're out of Cheesy Curls, and I asked you to go and rent The Breakfast Club so Roxas and I could watch it! Roxas has been clingy, so something has to be wrong. If you don't get The Breakfast Club, Xemnas…You're going to get that fireplace you've been moaning about sooner than you thought…
-Axel, Number VIII
PS: Did I just see Larxene…No, never mind.
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Dear Xemmy,
Why!? Why won't she love me!? I sat outside of her room and played all night long, but then in the morning she came out and broke my brand new sitar! The one I got for Christmas, remember? Why can't we be together? Is it because I'm a guy? Is it because of my mullet-hawk? That's it, isn't it? She wants it all gone, she hates it! If I get rid of it, she'll love me! Xemmy, I want to donate my hair to those poor naked kittens that Lexeaus was telling me about. Can you arrange that? Now, I must go announce my plan to her, and see if Larxene will like it…
-Demyx, IX
PS: Um. Did Saix lose a bet? He's practically attached to your hip…
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Supirior,
I am so happy with Zexion. He only calls me a fool twice an our and he says I have vry strong hands. He likes it when I cary him. But Xigbar keeps trying to pull Zexion away D:. I am sad when he tries. Xigbar says he can't find his true love. I am sad for him 2 but Zexion likes me very much. He says he does when he calls me a fool. But I am confused. Why do I feel this way? I don't know that I could feel.
-Lexeaus, Number V
PS: Wear is Vexen?
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Xemnas!
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU ALL AND SPARE NO ONE! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!? I will kill each of you slowly, one by one, until this is fixed. The boys, they're practically molesting each other! Zexion and Lexeaus have this freakish thing going on, Xigbar keeps trying to grope whoever's closest to him, Axel won't let anybody thirteen feet near Roxas, Demyx makes noises like dying llamas outside of my door at night and he's shaved his head(perhaps he's trying to seduce me with his strange mating rituals?), Xaldin keeps trying to find a chance to get near Roxas, Marluxia's completely twitter-pated with Axel, and…and…I can't get him out of my head! I'LL KILL HIM! I'll kill him so no else can have him. I'll kill him so he can't love Axel. Marly is mine, Xemnas, and nobody else is allowed to touch him!
-Larxene, Number XII
PS:…Are you there, Superior? It's me, Larxene. I want to be a big girl for Marly!
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Dear Superior,
Why did you lock me in my room? I didn't mean to touch Roxas' spears again, I swear it! I can't help it! You say it's to protect me from Axel, but I think you know what this is really about. You just want to separate us from our love! We're star-crossed lovers, can't you see? Romeo and Juliet! Just because I move fast in a relationship and I skip straight to the important stuff doesn't mean I'm a pedophile! Just you wait. I'll take your Saix away from you. Then you'll see. Then you'll see!!
-Xaldin, Number III
PS: I won't forget this, Superior. Ever.
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Xemnas…
It seems I cannot find love. The drive is fading and I feel hollow. Why, why was there no love for me? You had your Saix--I saw you holding his hand!--Axel has his Roxas, and even Lexeaus and Zexion had some freaky thing going on…I have done little wrong! I fear that I have heart Vexen as well. I haven't seen him all week, and I'm concerned. Should someone check up to see if his heart is just as broken as mine?
-Xigbar, Number II
PS: Who's that bald-haired freak in Demyx's room?
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Mansex, my main man!
I'm glad you finally found out what went wrong. Vexen poisoned our wine with his stupid little potions. I guess after a week, it's finally left our systems, huh? I bet you it would. I felt a little strange, stalking Xigbar all week, but it's over now. I think things are all the same…Well, maybe not. We all won't ever talk to each other now. Nobody will play Poker with me, and I just bought new cards! These have cute little Nobodies on them! Make Vexen play with me, please? He will be spending eternity on that one world, right? I can survive living in a world inhabited by cute little monsters, so long as I can play some cards!
-Luxord, Number X
PS: Dude, the potions not working anymore. What's up with you?
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My Superior,
This has never bothered you before. We were always like this. Is it because we were so open about it during the week? We had little choice, Superior! Either way, you aren't going to let what happened pull us apart, will you? I liked holding your hand. I liked spending time with you. Can't you understand that? What's wrong with you? You know what? Forget this! Vexen was right, you are a loser! I'm done! I hate you! We're through!
-Saix, Number VII
PS: -SOB-
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Dear Organization XIII,
If you found this, then I have most likely decided to kill myself and never come back. I hate you all. I'll have Kingdom Hearts in my death--that will be my ultimate bliss. Xigbar, you are partially retarded because this was your fault. Xaldin, stop raping Roxas. Vexen, Enjoy the land of Monsters (Inc.). Lexeaus, if I ever see you…do…that thing again…Zexion, your therapy has been scheduled as well, but I have to say it's your own fault. Saix, we were never a couple. Ever. Axel, it's not my fault your best friend is the easiest to rape. Demyx, buy a wig. Luxord, shut up and stop your bitching! Marluxia, why the hell was a page of your diary in my comment box! Larxene, uh…Roxas, why'd you let Xaldin into your room to begin with?
I can't afford to have therapy of my own, so I will end it all.
Xemnas, Number I
PS:…Damn it all. I'm out of pills. -Sigh-