Author's Note: This is the reaction I imagined first. And when I was reading a fic by socks-lost that had in it something that I'd wished I was brilliant enough to write, I realized why I had centered the piece on Maura's couch. It said: "Things make sense on this couch. Terror and trauma and fear and guilt are made small work of on this couch. And she's afraid that if she gets up, when she gets up, things will stop making sense." The truth of that is startling.
Another day, another possible reaction. Thanks for reading, reviewing and welcoming me back with open arms. -dkc
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Chapter Two – The Couch
Maura sat on her couch, the television off, a glass of wine in one hand and a book in the other. A throw draped her lap as she relaxed in the one place where she felt her problems could melt away. Unfortunately, those problems were more likely to melt away with the help of Jane and tonight her only problem was Jane or, to be more precise, Casey.
There was a soft knock on the door. Maura glanced at the clock, noticing the late hour and then knew when she heard a key begin to turn in the lock that it had to be Jane.
"Hey," the detective said as she opened the door and found the doctor standing near the couch, glass of wine in hand.
"Jane?" Maura's voice held the concern she reserved only for her best friend.
Jane let out the breath she appeared to be holding.
"I had to get out of there."
Maura didn't know what that meant and though she was frustrated by the events of the day, particularly Jane's revelation that Casey had asked her to marry him in a all-or-nothing kind of way, she had always wanted to be Jane's safe place to hide.
"Come in. Beer?" Maura offered, walking around the couch toward the kitchen.
"No," Jane said, stopping Maura in her tracks. "Wine?"
Maura turned to look at Jane, raising an eyebrow of both concern and confusion to which Jane responded by simply rolling her eyes and making her way to the abandoned couch.
"Here," Maura held out the glass to Jane once she returned to the couch.
Jane kicked off her shoes after taking the glass and relaxed into the couch. Maura moved her book from where she had been sitting to the coffee table, sitting down and focusing on Jane whose eyes remained on the book.
"What are you reading?" Jane nodded in the direction of the book.
"Oh!" Maura's eyes lit up. "It's a biography of Lydia Lopokova. She became known as part of Diaghilev's Ballet Russes and eventually came to America to perform in a vaudeville act."
Over her glass of wine, Jane smirked, raised an eyebrow and locked eyes with her adorable friend. She had absolutely no idea what Maura had just told her. She found this happened far more often than it should.
"A ballerina, Jane. And eventually the wife of the economist John Maynard Keynes."
"Ah, a ballerina," Jane smiled. "The only thing better than a ballerina is a dead ballerina."
Jane chuckled, but Maura's smile revealed something Jane knew far too well—knowledge.
"My tell?" Jane shook her head.
"That bit of edge," Maura responded in the affirmative.
"I'm sorry," Jane set her glass of wine on the coffee table and pulled one end of the blanket from Maura to drape over her own legs.
"It's fine. Want to talk about it?" Maura asked, half expecting Jane to shrug it off and bury her feelings.
"Ugh," Jane sighed, tears coming to her eyes. "Am I a bad person?"
"What? Of course not!" Maura was truly shocked.
The doctor placed her own wine glass next to Jane's and quickly reached for one of Jane's hands, offering her whatever reassurance she could muster given the situation. Granted, she may have needed the comforting herself after the bombshell Jane had dropped on her earlier, but Maura was not about to let Jane beat herself up.
"He has been home for two days and I can barely stand to be with him, Maur," Jane admitted, never meeting eye contact with the doctor.
"You aren't used to having to answer to someone, Jane. And the two of you have never spent a considerable amount of time together."
"I answer to you," Jane whispered.
"That's different," Maura swallowed back the emotion that she felt bubbling up.
"Is it terrible that I like my job? That I'm good at my job?" Jane finally met Maura's gaze and saw the turmoil she was feeling reflected back at her.
"No, Jane, it isn't. But I suspect this is about more than the fact that you are a detective, a decorated one at that, and very good at what you do," Maura realized her thumb was tracing patterns over Jane's, but did nothing to stop herself.
"I went with you to the prison," Jane sighed.
"Hmm?" Maura was confused.
"I told him I had to work and yet I went with you to the prison," Jane answered.
Maura let this sink in and the realization was heavy. She hadn't thought twice about Jane accompanying her to pick up Paddy, Sr. Even knowing Casey was in town she didn't think twice about spending time with Jane. This is how their relationship worked; they were inseparable.
"Oh," was all Maura could manage to get out.
"But I wouldn't have had it any other way," Jane squeezed Maura's hand.
"I am a detective, Maura. I am a daughter, a sister, a partner, a friend…" the strength of Jane's voice trailed off. "A best friend."
Maura felt a single tear fall and she mentally kicked herself for allowing her emotion to show in this moment. On this couch they had laughed, cried, trembled and sat in silence, but right now she felt it wrong of her to cry for Jane. Jane did not belong to her, no matter how badly she wished otherwise.
"I should be able to love him, Maura, to want to spend as much time with him as possible. I shouldn't want him to return to Afghanistan. Only a terrible person would want their boyfriend in a war zone over in her kitchen making her breakfast and cleaning out her fridge."
Maura took a deep breath and tried to quell the ache in her stomach that grew with every mention of Casey and what Casey wanted from Jane.
"Feelings are feelings, Jane," Maura sighed. "You can't guilt them away."
Jane looked at her best friend and smiled, a genuine Jane Rizzoli smile that Maura hadn't seen in days. Come to think of it, not since Casey had returned.
"Listen to you, you've been holding out on me all this time haven't you? You say you're only good with people of the dead variety. That sounded awfully wise from Doctor Death," Jane partially teased.
Maura used her free hand to softly smack Jane's shoulder. She hated being called Doctor Death, but when Jane was teasing her, she would put up with almost anything.
"Ouch!" Jane hammed it up.
"Baby," Maura charged, smiling and laughing with Jane.
"Where did you hear that anyway?" Jane's voice took on a more sober tone. "Which philosopher?"
"Television," Maura deadpanned and then both women burst into laughter.
Once the laughter subsided, the two were now sitting closer together. Maura's legs were folded under her as she faced Jane, her elbow propped up on the back of the couch.
"Why can't all relationships be this easy?" Jane said, realizing a bit too late that what she was wondering had reached her lips.
Maura found herself stunned speechless. She had often wondered why her friendship with Jane was the most seamless relationship in her life and why she could never find herself as comfortable with another human being.
"Maybe it's the wine?" Maura posited.
"Why Dr. Isles, was that sarcasm? It's it my job to deflect with sarcasm?" Jane smirked at Maura, looking into her eyes and seeing a gentility there that she could easily lose herself in.
"I'm beginning to see the beauty of using sarcasm as a buffer. Now, if only I could use it successfully on more than a handful of occasions."
"You used it well there, if not perfectly," Jane said.
"You're the strongest relationship I've had in my life, Jane," Maura's honesty was refreshing, though scary.
"I know," Jane whispered, dropping eye contact again.
"What are you thinking?" the doctor reached for Jane's chin and tilted it up so she could see her friend's dark eyes.
"I was thinking about what you said to me about Tommy when I told you I wouldn't stop you if you wanted to, you know, date him," the detective was hesitant and her nerves were showing.
"That I hate it when you hate me?" Maura avoided repeating the weighty things she said that day in Jane's kitchen.
"No," Jane closed her eyes briefly and then looked directly at Maura before swallowing hard and charging ahead. "That you love me and that you wouldn't want to do anything to compromise our friendship."
"I do," Maura was not the hesitant one. "Love you, that is. And I wouldn't want to do anything to compromise what you and I have."
Jane's hand reached for Maura's. She moved it up from her own chin to cheek and held it there, never breaking eye contact with Maura.
"When you looked at me today, Maura, I saw it," Jane's voice was low and raw.
"I'm not going to deflect by asking when or what you saw," Maura was tired of hiding. She knew that when Jane told her what Casey had proposed that her face had to reveal just how upset she was.
"I won't let Casey compromise our friendship, either, Maura," Jane's eyes filled with tears.
"We can't constantly turn our backs on relationships, on potential happiness, because we are afraid that what we have will be compromised and no longer as strong as it has been up until now," Maura's honesty continued to force her into saying things she knew could not be taken back.
"I know, Maur. Over the last two days I was so busy worrying about how Casey wanted to change my work habits, hell, even my apartment, that I didn't stop to see what else he would change," the crack in Jane's voice ended what she was saying.
"Jane…"
Maura had multiple academic degrees and professional accomplishments, yet nothing had prepared her for this moment. She had no idea what would be appropriate here. Instead she simply looked deep into Jane's eyes as if to see their future, a future she hoped would be as fulfilling as their relationship had been up until this point. And then she saw it; Jane's eyes left hers for a split second and traveled to her lips. It didn't take the IQ of a genius to know what this meant.
"Maura…"
Instead of allowing her friend to continue, Maura leaned in and felt smooth lips gently brush against her own. Had she not been feeling it for herself, she may have denied that contact had even been made. It was gentle, airy and yet sensual.
"I love you, too," Jane husked as their lips parted and their eyes met again. "Definitely more than I should while entertaining, well, you know."
Maura's mind was brought back to that jarring moment earlier when Jane looked at her and told her Casey was going back to Afghanistan unless Jane married him. It was natural that Maura would interpret what Jane was saying as rejection.
"Hey, look at me," Jane urged.
The doctor looked up and saw in Jane's eyes something she hadn't seen there in all the time that they had known each other: Affirmation. Maura quickly realized that what Jane was saying was not that she shouldn't be this close to Maura if she was going to be in a relationship with Casey. She was saying that she shouldn't be entertaining a proposal from Casey because, well, Maura. She loved Maura and only Maura. Finally putting the pieces together, a soft smile broke out on the doctor's face.
"There she is," Jane smiled back.
"I know that you were the bigger person and told me that day that you wouldn't stand in the way of a budding romance, but Jane?" Maura paused and waited for Jane to nod at her to continue. "I can't be that person. I can't let you be with anyone else and not at the very least show you the alternative."
Jane's hands came up to encircle Maura's face. That beautiful, dimpled Jane Rizzoli smile was on display once again.
"You don't have to show me, Maur. I already know."
-finis-
