Chapter 1.) Learning to Breathe

The ride in the elevator seemed to be a long one as Detective Beckett made her way to her squad. She had been away from work for a week. Beckett toyed with the wedding ring on her finger and prayed for some inner strength that she would make it through the day.

As she got off she could feel people staring at her. It wasn't like it had been before when she had come back from leave after being shot. This time was different as people didn't welcome her back with applause but rather with pity in their eyes. She didn't want their pity, didn't want them feeling sorry for her. She had lost her husband on the job, stuff like that happened to cops elsewhere across the country. What made her any different? She knew her thinking was cold but it was the only way she felt she could survive minute by minute. She shook her head. She knew what the difference was. The difference was that no one else had had civilians as their ride along partners. It was her job that had gotten him killed and she would have to deal with that some day despite people saying it wasn't her fault.

As she made her way to her desk she saw Castle's empty seat. She had to take a deep breath to control herself.

"Hey," said Esposito, "Haven't you all seen Detective Beckett before, let's get back to work."

The other cops did as they were told.

Esposito let out a small smile. "We got your back girl."

"Yeah," said Ryan. "If anyone's got a problem they're just going to have to deal with us."

Beckett smiled slightly at for all intent and purposes, her brothers. "Thanks you guys."

"We thought you'd be taking another few days off," said Esposito.

"I can't sit around those apartments any longer crying my eyes out. I just want to get back to work. Please tell me we've got a case."

"Afraid not," said Ryan. "The day you come back is the day the rest of the world decides to take a break."

"It won't be that way for long," said Beckett.

The boys knew she was right.

Beckett continued to look at Castle's chair.

"Do you need something," Esposito asked. "Can I get you a cup of coffee or something?"

Beckett looked up and slightly smiled, "It's okay I got it."

Beckett made her way to the break room. On the shelf were the cups she and Castle used. She had so many memories of him bringing coffee in her blue mug and him often using the NYPD mug.

She pulled down her mug and left Castle's where it was. She then bowed her head and closed her eyes.

"God I wish you were here," she whispered.

Absentmindedly Beckett filled her cup with hot water and then let a non-caffeinated tea bag seep a while. She leaned against the counter, eyes closed as she waited for her mug to warm up. Being back at the precinct had been a lot more difficult than she was expecting. If it was this hard now how could she expect to get through the rest of the day?

"Detective Beckett," said Gates.

Beckett opened her eyes to see her boss standing in the doorway.

"Welcome back."

"Thank you sir," Beckett said though her voice felt miles away.

Gates took a step toward Beckett as she sipped her tea.

"You know if there's anything you need Detective: more time off, someone to talk to, you can always come to me. No one expects you to jump right back into the swing of things."

Beckett nodded and smiled, "I'll be fine sir, but thank you."

"Yo," Esposito said coming into the break room. "We've got a fresh one."

Beckett took one last sip of her tea before tossing it in the sink. "Duty calls."

Captain Gates nodded and Beckett made her way out the door.