Ash sat up suddenly on a wooden cot, panting and sweating. "Where in the hell..." He sat up slowly, disoriented, and looked around. He was in a small prison holding cell. It was empty except for the cot and a small sink and mirror. He made his way to the bathroom area and tried to get some water but nothing came out of the faucet.

He went to the cell door, tried to slide it open, and was unsurprised to find it was locked shut. He gave it a few yanks with his remaining hand before frustratedly yelling out "Hey, assholes! Let me the fuck out of here!"

He was surprised to get a response. From down the hall a woman's voice, "About time." A blonde in a police uniform approached the cell door.

"Look, lady, I don't know who the hell you are and can't remember how I got here or what the hell I was doing, it was probably important on an earth-saving level, so I need out of here PDQ."

She appeared unimpressed. "You're in Silent Hill. I followed gunshots and found you passed out in an alley."

"Silent Hill? Right, the e-mail." Ash fell briefly quiet as he remembered what had happened, crashing his car, following the girl, the encounter in the alley-"Woah woah woah! Uh, look officer, I know it looks like I took out a short bus worth of 1st graders with a shotgun and a chainsaw but I can explain!"

The officer crossed her arms across her chest and narrowed her eyes. "What are you talking about? I only found you there."

Ash looked at his left leg. The place where he had been stabbed was fine, no tear in the fabric or pain from a cut. Perfectly fine. "Must've been a dream," he muttered. "The thing about the dead monster kids was a joke. Um, hahaha, get it?"

"Nope."

"Please, uh, Cybil," he pleaded, reading her name off her name badge, "you gotta believe me. Wait, Brahms Police Department?"

"Yeah, I'm from the next town over. We lost communications with Silent Hill and I came to investigate. I'm going to need you to answer a few questions. What's your name?"

"Name's Ash. Housewares."

"Do you know where everybody is?"

"Nope. Like this when I got here."

"What are you doing in Silent Hill?"

"I don't have time to explain, and besides, isn't this out of your jurisdiction?" Cybil held up a key ring and jingled it. Ash sighed. "It's kind of a long story, but I'll give you the short version." Cybil lowered her hand and waited for him to proceed.

"When I was a dumb kid I drove my friends and me out to a cabin deep in the woods of Michigan. Heard from some buddies an archeology professor at our college owned it and rarely used it. We found a recording from the archaeologist reading passages from a book he had found in ancient Candarian ruins. The words from the book woke up some sort of evil force in the woods, it possessed my girlfriend, my sister, my best friend, and his girl. I had to chop off Linda's head with a shovel, then her disembodied head infected my hand with the Evil, so I chopped it off." He held up the stump as proof. Cybil listened.

"The archaeologist's daughter showed up and helped me banish the Evil through a portal that ended up also sucking me back to the dark ages. I delivered 1300 AD from the terror of the deadites, said some magic words, came back to the present, and have been fighting the Evil wherever I can. Last night I got an e-mail on an unplugged computer from my dead girlfriend asking I meet her in Silent Hill. So...can I have my chainsaw back now?"

Cybil smirked. "I think I might need to hear the long version of that story."

"I'm telling the truth! Let me out!"

"You're dangerous. I think you believe what you said, but that just makes you crazy. I'm going to leave you in there while I go check on the rest of the town. Don't worry, I'll send help for you."

"No!" Ash rattled the bars again. "You don't understand! The book, something's wrong with this town and I know it has something to do with that book! I'm the only one that can fight it!"

Cybil walked off. "Get some rest."

"No fucking way, I'm not gonna rot here while you get chopped up by little albinos with steak knives!"

"You seemed to make it through OK," she called back, before falling out of view. Seconds later, a door shut, and then silence.

Ash furiously kicked at the bars for a while. Once his tantrum subsided, he retreated to the bathroom mirror. Stubbly and a little softer than I should be but at least I'm not wearing my usual facial beauty mask of demon blood and shit.

Ash sat back on the cot, and figuring since he was at the mercy of the cop, took the opportunity to get some sleep.

Sometime later Ash awoke. Felt like I just slept for years... The cell was dim now, the only light coming from a flickering bulb above the mirror. As his eyes adjusted he realized something was wrong.

Ash jumped off the cot suddenly as he noticed several stains of indeterminate origin. He walked over to the sink to try to get water again, but the faucet was now grimy and rusted from years of disuse, and nothing came from turning the creaking knob. Everything about the little room was stained and rusted. A few shards of mirror remained above the faucet, the rest of the glass in the sink or on the floor below.

Ash paced frustratedly in front of the bars but couldn't think of an escape plan. He beat and pulled on the bars with his good hand, managing to pull free one solid bar that had corroded heavily on its ends, enough to use as a weapon but nothing to provide enough space to squeeze his pork-rind swelled ass through.

He sat gingerly on the disgusting cot to think of a plan. Only a few moments had passed when he heard a door open down the hall, out of his sight in the darkness.

"Cybil?" No response. Down the hall, turning the corner, a man-shaped figure appeared. "Hey fella, jail's closed for the day." Something about the way it moved unsettled Ash, it walked in fits and jerks. It looked like it was trying each step to throw off its full body straight-jacket..

"Uh, wait there." Ash looked around desperately for a weapon. The cell was empty, and there was nothing in the hall, not even a fire extinguisher.

The straightjacketed figure closed in on Ash, no more than 10 feet away. Ash grabbed the rusty bar he had freed and stood up. By now the figure was almost directly in front of the cell. Ash lowered the bar momentarily in horror as he realized the figure wasn't just wearing a straightjacket, it was the straightjacket. Something had stretched the figure's skin over its arms, eyes, and legs, and it seemed to be trying to jerk itself free of it. The face was featureless except for a large lipless mouth.

With nowhere to go, Ash backed into a corner of his cell. "Look buddy, I don't wanna brain you with this stick if I don't have to. Give me a sign you aren't some sort of hell spawn, I'll see if I can get you out of that jacket, and we can go grab a cold one?"

The creature turned to the cell and suddenly hunched over. It made convulsing retching motions, its entire body shaking in anticipation of the ensuing spray of black goo erupting out of the creature's mouth.

"Ow, ow, ow, sonuvabitch!" A few flecks of vomit had reached Ash's left arm, burning right through his blue shirt and into his skin. He rubbed at the spots with his right stump, but the damage seemed to be minimal.

The cell bars had caught the full brunt of the spray. Most of the bars disintegrated, and the rest were damaged enough to fall in pieces to the floor. The smell of burnt chemicals was overwhelming. Worse, nothing remained between Ash and the monster. It recovered almost immediately and stepped easily into the cell.

The monster moved towards Ash, and as soon as it was within reach of his weapon Ash raised the rusted stick and brought it down on the monster's head with his considerable strength. The monster staggered momentarily but shook off the blow. It hunched over again, and began convulsing as it readied another load of acid barf. Ash continued beating it about the shoulders and head but it didn't react.

The monster finally leaned back and opened its mouth. Ash switched to an overhand grip and stabbed the bar downward with all his might, into the creature's mouth and down into its throat, yelling "Say it into the microphone!" The monster's knees buckled and it fell backwards under the force of the blow. Ash stepped back as it lay on its back, black acid gurgling and bubbling out of its mouth, burning its face as it bubbled out and dissolving the bar. The smell was unbearable.

Ash stepped out of the cell through the large opening and hurried down the hall into the police station's lobby. It was a small station and the apparent passage of time had made the rotten wood of the desk drawers easy to break into. It only took a few moments of searching to determine his weapons were not in the building, but one of the desks had a handgun and a few boxes of ammo. If the knife wielding babies and straight jacketed acid spitters were any indication of the kind of bullshit he'd be putting up with on this vacation it probably wouldn't be much help, but he supposed it was better than nothing.

More importantly, in the same drawer, was a folded up street map of Silent Hill. He unfolded it on the desk and looked it over, locating the police station and trying to figure out his next step. It was a fairly standard town, a giant lake in the middle, suburban and shopping areas... Midwich Elementary...maybe I'll crash a PTA meeting and let them know what stabby turds their kids are...Hmm, the hospital might have some clues about the medical equipment in that alley...waitaminute..."OH HELL YEAH!" Ash yelled triumphantly as he circled CUT-RITE- CHAINSAWS.