Disclaimer: I do not own the TMNT, chapter titles based on Green Angel property of Alice Hoffman.

A/N: Done from Leo's POV, written for a friend.

Chapter 2: This is what I felt.

Ever since we were children, my brothers had called me fearless, and until I had faced this moment, there were times I believed I was….

That I was simply untouchable by this emotion and that it was something I was beyond in reach. My fingers could never reach towards it, nor its gaping hand to me, both of us were separated…two different beings…worlds apart…then I saw Raphael.

And fear collided into me with more power than I had ever known an emotion to have as I caught my breath with a short gasp at his wounds. Raphael…my brother…my little brother….

He looked dead.

For a split second I blinked looking at his still form, covered in white sheets and multiple bandages visible above his blanketed chest all of them covered in a tint of red…and for a minute I wondered if he wasn't; if I wasn't too late to see him…

The small heart monitors told me I wasn't. That my brother was still with us, still fighting against the monster of death, the black shadow that threatened to steal his breath away. If it were an enemy hovering over his bed I could have fought it, even Sensei may lack speed with me. But this wasn't a person, this wasn't something I could fight with steel and fists. It was just a mist that threatened my brother…how does one fight a shadow?

I didn't know the answer to that…I didn't even know if I could. All I could hope was that Raph knew how, that somehow someway he understood whatever was beckoning to him to stray from it, to run back to us and back to our voices as fast as he could.

But from the way his eyes seemed so shut in peace, his mouth only a seem of neither pain nor peace, I wasn't sure he was fighting.

"C'mon you hothead, don't you dare leave me." I mentally spoke taking his hand in mine and clasping it as tight as I dared. Daring him to challenge me!

In truth maybe I wanted him too, maybe I wanted him to wake up and pick a fight with me…I think the way this one would end however is him in a hug that he wouldn't be getting out of anytime soon. His face though remained unmoved at my touch, he didn't even flinch or try to pull away from my touch. Instead he slept on, his other hand rested at side and his head turned to the left slightly as if avoiding something, avoiding me…perhaps he was avoiding death. Who was I to say what side it approached him from?

Whatever side it came at however, it would need to take me first, I wasn't about to let go any time soon.

"Leonardo…are you alright?" I heard Mortu's voice ask me, surprisingly enough.

It wasn't until I looked up and around that I realized my father was missing. I thought they had said he was here…did something happen to him?

"Where's master Splinter?" I asked quietly answering his question with my own "I thought you said he was here." Had they lied to me?! Pretended that someone was with Raphael in an attempt to get me to rest?! Had I not been holding Raphael's hand, I would have broken the skin of whoever I was, but even in anger, I felt I at least had some control…

He looked away a bit. Had I been right? "Your Father was here, but…we can only have one in here at a time…and he thought it would be better if you saw your brother."

I felt my breath sucking in at that moment. So I had forced Sensei out…and away from Raph…away from the son who really needed him. Yet again…I was the reason, father and Raph were so distant, even in death I had to put distance between them….NO! Raph was not going to die…he couldn't! If he even thought about it…I shook my head a bit making Mortu mistake it for a headache.

When he asked again if I was alright, I didn't answer only turned my attention away and to Raph, thankful that he took that hint and left me with my brother.

"You're really trying to scare me aren't you?" I whispered to him, my arm throbbing as I reached over to cup his face. His skin was now paler than any green I had ever seen. The scary thing was…it wasn't an ugly green like I would have expected to find from his wounds. Instead it looked somewhere between his forest color and the color of new grass in Casey's farm. Had it been a color I'd seen in the park sometime…or from one of Mikey's drawings it would have looked beautiful.

But right now…it just looked deathly beautiful. As if in a matter of minutes my brother had been transformed from rough steel and stone to sheer glass and porcelain. His chest barely rising even as the monitors said it was.

Raphael had never been one to show what was wrong, I just prayed now that those hear monitors did…

I sighed a bit shaking my head again, What was I supposed to say…I didn't have any words and the ones I did felt locked up tight inside my throat burning to get out, yet lacking the power. It didn't seem to matter how many times I opened my mouth to speak all that came out were fragments of words. Was this how Raph felt when I was hurt at Casey's farm? I had heard for days after waking up Mikey poking fun at Raph saying how he really was just a big ol softy who loved his older brother. This would usually end with Mikey screaming for mercy, jumping down the stairs and trying in vain to find a place to hide. I hadn't understood until later just what he was teasing him about, and when I did find out…I thought it best maybe to let it slip. Raph knew I knew though, I could tell he did whenever, up until he helped me forge my new swords he refused to meet my eyes all the way, his cheeks slightly pink at the knowledge I had.

I could try what they had…a memory…but as soon as sound wanted to leave my mouth…I knew almost on instinct that it would sound like a lecture to him driving him further from me.

As the oldest brother, I was supposed to always know what to do in times like these, to never back down from a challenge that threatened my brothers. But at that moment I didn't know what I was supposed to do. As an older brother, as a leader…I should have known right away what to do but instead the icy feeling in my blood seemed to be returning surrounding my throat and drowing out any words, replacing them with only a harsh numb feeling and bleating words against my brain.

"You were the one who did this to him."

"It was because you fell first that he is now like this…"

"Your brothers, your father, the ones you swore to protect…are all going to die…because you were the first to fall."

I knew the voice inside my head was right, beating inside me like a caged animal that suddenly wanted free. I knew that it was right no matter how I spun my head or tried to block them out. Soon I found that the only way I could block them out was to delve into them. Agree with them, it was all my fault…Raph was going to die…because I believed in an enemy more than I believed in family.

I wondered if Raph might have sensed the change because for a moment he seemed to pull more towards the left, his hand suddenly moving in mine. At first I was filled with hope for a moment, and the voice that I was in was drowned out by another emotion, hope seemed to suddenly break through when he moved.

But…watching him more, I realized that this hope was nothing more than a façade, because when Raphael began to move…he didn't stop! Suddenly as if he was no more than rag doll he started jolting around the bed, shivering shaking slamming his already bruised arms into the side.

My eyes were wide with horror as I tried all I could to keep him still grabbing at his shoulders while his legs thrashed even to the point of ripping bruise open and crimson tipped the white sheets.

"Raph!! Raph please! What's wrong, please answer me!" I begged knowing he wouldn't as he twisted more his face now a contort of expressionless pain. I didn't understand what was happening all of a sudden or why. All I heard was the sudden scream of monitors as he thrashed more, my own arms feeling as though they would break from the pain I cursed myself for having.

I could feel tears breaking through the ice as they streamed down my face now at his expression. They way he continued to thrash, buckling up all over and collapsing for a split only to shake more violently when he moved again. I didn't know what was wrong, making it impossible to help. I remembered Mortu saying something about Raph being lucky he hadn't gone into cardiac arrest…was that what he was doing now…?

I didn't know and I didn't get the chance to find out. It felt like hours, but really only thrity seconds had gone by before utroms rushed into the room. I couldn't see what they were doing through blurry eyes as they forced me away ignoring my croaked pleas of begging to stay with him. I would have gotten on my knees and begged if I had been able to move and block out the thrashing sound.

"Leo you must leave! Let the others attend to him." I knew that voice but I didn't want to listen to it as I held onto his hand, pleading with them…it was in that very last moment before I was pulled away that I felt it. I felt my brothers hand reach out and grasp for mine. I knew it wasn't a convulsion that time, I knew my brother knew what he was doing when he reached for me, he was scared I was going to leave him…he was scared he would die all alone with strangers.

He wanted me to stay, it was almost to much to bear feeling myself being taken out of the room, our fingers touching the air in between the tips of the others. He needed me to stay…and once again I failed him...I thought about mouthing I'm sorry, since my voice seemed blistered shut, but I knew that wouldn't be good enough. He was scared, Raph was never scared…he wanted me to stay…he needed someone to tell him it would all be alright…

But hearing the door to his room suddenly shut and finding myself in the hallway, Mortu looking at me in a gaze I refused to meet, I found myself failing to control my sobs. My right hand shielding my bleary eyes from the world to hide the shame I felt at loosing control like this. A leader never lost control. But at that moment I didn't feel like a leader, at that moment I didn't feel anything except the ice blood inside of me, robbing me of my voice and drowning me in pain and loss.

Then it hit me…my little brother was going through this because I wasn't good enough! He was alone with strangers and in pain because the one who was supposed to protect him, fell first.

My little brother was dieing…he would die…because of me. Because of me…he would…he would die…Raph…

To be concluded…

A/N: Well one more chapter to go. I hope you guys liked this chapter as much as the last one. Thank you guys so much for all the nice reviews you gave me. I don't know if you can imagine how much they really mean to me right now. Well thank you for reading.

Until next time

Take Care

Be Blessed

innocent-rebel