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A Pirate's Life for Me…Not.
A Musketeers story by Deana

The theme for this story was 'pirate' and these were the words that we had to include: landlubber, grog, toothbrush, unscrupulous, cutlass, rum, parrot, keelhaul, mermaid, wench, audacious, jollyroger, loot, anchor, flag, Tortuga, hook, berth, waves, shark, compass, mutiny, overboard, eye patch, galleon, heart locket, earring, grapefruit, hornswaggle, woodworm, bandana.

I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!

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Aramis blinked his eyes open, moaning weakly at the pain that throbbed through his head. He felt like he was floating and closed his eyes again, as his entire body seemed to suddenly move downwards and up again as if he were on a ship. He knew that to be impossible though, and attributed it to the concussion that he diagnosed himself with. He knew that standing was unwise, but he needed to find Athos and Porthos, who were obviously not with him.

The strange motion happened again, and Aramis reopened his eyes. He blinked with shock when he found wooden walls around himself, and realized that he was indeed in a berth on a ship. He quickly tried to push himself up off the floor, but found that his wrists were tied behind his back. His ankles were bound too and a piece of rope secured his hands to a metal hook on the wall, showing Aramis that he was quite thoroughly restrained.

How did this happen? Aramis thought. Where are the others? Try as he might, he couldn't remember how he'd been captured, and he quickly tried to get his wrists untied.

A singing voice suddenly reached his ears; "Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me." It was the English language, to Aramis' surprise, not French.

The door suddenly opened, and Aramis looked up as someone entered.

"Oh, the landlubber's awake," the man said, before taking a swig from the bottle in his hand. "How's yer head?"

Aramis blinked. This pirate didn't look very dangerous. "How do you think it is?"

The pirate smiled. "I know exactly how it feels, mate; been hit on the head too many times meself…usually by a wench. One time, it was a mermaid wot did it." He shuddered at the thought before taking another swig from the bottle. Looking at Aramis, he suddenly held it out towards him. "Forgettin' me manners! Rum?"

Aramis sighed. "No."

"Grog?"

"No," Aramis answered, squirming to sit up. "I'd like to know where I am."

"A Spanish galleon!" the pirate answered. "No, you're on the Black Pearl; I am Captain Jack Sparrow, at ya service." He gave an elaborate bow but nearly tripped himself with the cutlass that hung from his waist.

Aramis watched with an incredulous expression. However unscrupulous Captain Sparrow had to be, he came across as being nothing but a buffoon. "Where are you taking me? Where are my friends?"

Captain Sparrow righted himself and placed the bottle of rum on a nearby table. "We're sailing for Tortuga, mate, to pick up some loot that I recently left there."

Aramis blinked. "Where on earth is Tortuga?"

Sparrow held up a finger and thought for a minute. "Well, you go left off the coast of the Americas, and…no no, that's not it…you go right. Right? Right. No, you go left. Then you head south until you hit a nice little island where I left me loot, savvy?" He made a face as if unsure of his words before suddenly taking a compass out of his pocket. He flipped it open before turning himself around in a circle and muttering to himself.

Aramis closed his eyes and took a deep breath, wondering if this was a hallucination brought on by his concussion. His head was throbbing and he gave a little moan again.

Sparrow turned around and put the compass away before walking closer and peering at him. "Feelin' all right, mate?"

Aramis winced at the scent of the pirate's breath and wondered if the man ever used a toothbrush. "Why have you captured me?"

"It wasn't me, actually," Sparrow said. "We was all ashore in a tavern and one of me crew was playin' cards with yer big friend. You saw 'im, the one with the heart locket? He was hornswoggled and saw your lovely pistols. He tried to take them as payment but you didn't cooperate and so, here you are."

Aramis shook his aching head. Of all the people that Porthos had to cheat at cards, it had to be a pirate. "And you just let your man kidnap an innocent person?"

Sparrow shrugged. "It was either that or risk a mutiny!"

Aramis sighed. "I demand that you release me at once; I am a member of the King's Musketeers."

Sparrow nodded. "I'd love to do that, mate, but what would you do if I did, jump overboard? That would be quite an audacious thing to do unless you want to be keelhauled. Either that, or a shark would get ya."

Aramis blinked. He didn't know what the English word 'keelhauled' meant, but was more surprised to see this bumbling idiot correctly use the word 'audacious'. "How do I know that we're truly at sea?"

"How about this," said Sparrow. "I'll take you above deck and you can see for yourself." With that, he cut the rope around Aramis' ankles and the one that that secured him to the wall before reaching down to haul him upright.

The room spun around Aramis and he suddenly felt something painfully poke his head.

"Got a lump the size of a grapefruit," Sparrow commented. He slowly pulled Aramis along until they got to the top deck, and after Aramis' headache adjusted to the bright sunlight, he looked around with amazement.

The Jolly Roger was flapping in the breeze and he watched as a parrot flew past to land on a man's shoulder. He crossed to the rail and saw waves lapping against the ship…which wasn't moving; anchor down as it floated parallel to the shore.

"Why are we still here?!" Captain Sparrow exclaimed. "Gibbs! I told you to weigh anchor and hoist the mizzen!" He looked all around and spun in a circle, but didn't appear to spot the man whom he was talking to.

"Nay, Cap'n!" a voice called. "Ye only told us to hoist the flag!"

Aramis spotted a man in the crow's nest leaning down as he shouted, and he looked at Sparrow as he carefully slinked away, hoping that the crazy pirate was too distracted to notice his escape.

"Well get down here and do the rest!" Sparrow shouted back.

"Aye, Cap'n!"

Sparrow sighed and turned around, in time to see that Aramis was gone. Before he could say anything, a gunshot suddenly sounded, and war broke loose.

Aramis had gone back through the door to the lower decks in an attempt to find a blade that he could cut his hands loose with. He was surprised to suddenly hear the gunshot and he automatically ducked, hiding behind a woodworm-eaten desk.

"Aramis!" he heard.

Aramis stood at the sound of Porthos' voice, going back to the door and watching as his two friends easily defeated the pirates…the ones who didn't run away, that is. Unexpectedly, a form flew towards the door and threw it open, sending Aramis flying backwards, unable to catch himself with his hands still bound. He heard nothing for a few moments before he suddenly felt hands patting his face.

"Aramis! Aramis!" he heard, and opened his eyes to see Porthos above him.

"Is he all right?" Athos' voice called.

Aramis blinked, looking around to see the remaining pirates with their hands up as Athos held two pistols on them…Aramis' pistols.

"See?" Sparrow suddenly said. "I told you he was fine!"

"Aramis?" Athos called.

Hearing two different languages thrown at him at the same time wasn't helping Aramis' head. He winced as Porthos helped him sit up, and answered, "I'm fine." It was a complete lie; if he thought his head hurt before, it was nothing compared to now.

"See?" said Sparrow.

"What is he saying?" Athos asked Aramis.

"He's saying that he told you I was fine," Aramis said, closing his eyes and wincing while putting a hand on his head. "Leave them, Athos…they're the worst pirates I've ever seen."

Athos backed up, waiting until Porthos helped Aramis stand, who slumped in his friend's grasp with a groan. "Tell them to let us go and we won't hurt anymore of them," Athos said.

Aramis repeated the words in English, and Sparrow nodded. "Fine, I know when we're beaten, mate." He waved. "Hope you feel better!"

Aramis rolled his eyes, immediately regretting it when it made his head hurt worse. "We can go."

They made their way to the ramp and Athos kept the guns pointed at the pirates until they reached the bottom. Then, to Aramis' surprise, Porthos picked him up and ran, lest one of the pirates shoot at them.

The motion was too much for Aramis' head and he passed out, waking later in a comfortable bed.

"We're at an inn," Athos explained. "How do you feel?"

Aramis blinked. "Was I really the prisoner of pirates?"

"Yes," Porthos answered, guiltily looking at the floor. "All because I cheated one at cards. I'm so sorry, Aramis."

Aramis sighed, closing his eyes with a wince at the pain in his head. "I forgive you."

A hand squeezed his arm, and Aramis opened his eyes again. He blinked at Porthos before chuckling.

Porthos frowned. "What's so funny?"

"With your earring and bandana, you'd make a perfect pirate," Aramis said.

Porthos didn't expect to hear that, and looked at Athos.

Athos quirked one corner of his mouth up. "He is right."

Porthos looked at Aramis again. "Well then, go to sleep before I make ya walk the plank."

Aramis chuckled again. Minutes later, he was dreaming of Porthos captaining a ship full of talking sparrows.

THE END