The Misfits V the Viper, Revamped!
Disclaimer: Red Witch owns Althea and Xi. I own Paul and Craig Starr. The GI Joes and the other Misfits aren't mine. Lance, Toad, Pietro, Freddy, and Wanda belong to Marvel, and the GI Joe team belongs to Hasbro.
Chapter 2: Food Fight!
The Misfit Clubhouse
"All he said was 5, 35." Hawk explained through Roadblock's Joe-Com. The heavy machine gunner raised an eyebrow, and the Misfits all looked at each other in confusion.
"5, 35?" Althea repeated out loud.
"They're numbers." Todd blinked. "They're multiples of 5, and...that's it, really."
"What do the numbers 5 and 35 have to do with the Misfits?" Roadblock asked.
"Ooh, I know this one." Pietro smirked. "5 is Paul's mental age, and 35 is Blob's IQ."
"You're an idiot, Maximoff." Craig scowled at the speedster. "Paul's mentally 6."
"Real hilarious, guys." Blob said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.
"Yeah, guys." Paul agreed. "You just revolutionized comedy."
"They could be map coordinates..." Xi suggested, taking an atlas out of a bookshelf. He laid it on the pool table and turned to a page that showed a map of the world. "There are only four possibilities: 5 North, 35 East…" The half-man, half-snake artificial lifeform pointed out on the map as he talked. "5 North, 35 West…5 South, 35 East…and 5 South, 35 West." Althea scratched her chin and hummed in thought.
"We'll have to split up and go to four different spots, General." Althea realized. "If you want to bring us along, I don't think there are enough of us along to give you guys some backup. My loony sisters are at the SHIELD helping with that tech examination, and Claudius and Barney are only babies."
"...We have heard rumors of a Cobra base around 5 South, 35 East." Hawk remembered. Xi looked at the map.
"That's in Antarctica." XI blinked in confusion. "Why would Cobra have a base there?"
"Maybe they're cookin' up something big." Lance thought out loud.
"Or they're making some sort of secret weapon." Todd suggested. "No one would ever think of looking for a secret weapon in Antarctica. That place is only allowed to be explored by scientists."
"This sounds like something out of a movie or a cartoon..." Paul whispered to Fred.
"Yeah, it does." Fred snickered. "Cobra's plans do seem like that sometimes." Paul then spoke louder.
"But why us, though?"
"Yeah, aren't us Misfits supposed to be just backup?" Craig wondered.
"Maybe this 'Viper' feels that only the Misfits can stop whatever Cobra's cooking up. Our mutant abilities do give us an advantage over the regular Joes." Althea suggested. Craig crossed his arms and scowled.
"I don't trust him. It could be a trap set by Cobra or some anti-mutant group. Paul and I have tussled with FOH members in the past. And we never needed our powers to beat them."
"Well, except for that one time that those FoH jerks tried to torch that one girl..." Paul reminded, then shuddered. "I'm just glad we got to her before they did."
"And we made sure they never forgot what happens when they prey on kids." Craig nodded.
"I take it that's a story for another time?" Althea asked. Craig nodded.
"Yeah."
"But what if it's real, Craig?" Todd asked. "If Cobra's got a weapon or somethin', yo…"
"Hawk, I don't think…" Roadblock started.
"I know what you are going to say, Roadblock." Hawk finished. "And I agree. The kids might have some trouble there. So I'm asking you and Barbecue to back them up. A couple other Joes will be there as well to help. We must find out what's going on there, and if it's dangerous to the world, put a stop to it."
Craig rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. "With all the insanity that goes on around you people, I wouldn't be one bit surprised if the Cobra base turned out to be an oversized rest area."
"You actually could be right about that." Roadblock admitted. "Or considering our luck, we could find a monster modeled on the Cat in the Hat." Craig looked at Althea.
"You grew up with these people. Is this some kind of tic?"
Althea shrugged in response to Craig's query. "It's his thing."
"It's pretty cool." Todd smiled. "He should write a book of poetry."
"Only one way to find out, bro!" Paul smiled. He then formed a horn with his hands and made bugle noises through it. "CHARGE!" The young mutant ran out of the clubhouse.
Wanda blinked at Paul. "Craig, is he always like this, or did he drink some of BA's coffee?" Craig sighed and rubbed his temple. He had heard about the infamous coffee created by the crazy Joe chef, and the mere existence of it gave him a migraine.
"He's always like this, BA's coffee or no BA's coffee."
"Glad to see Paul's excited." Hawk remarked, amusement in his voice.
"I have to admit, Paul shares our excitement. Let's do this, General Hawk!" Althea whooped.
"When the Misfits are around, Cobra's plans are gonna drown!" Toad cheered, following the departed Paul.
"Yeah, he's definitely been around you waaaaay too long." Pietro sighed at Roadblock. The gourmet chef simply smiled with pride. The other Misfits walked out of the clubhouse and got ready for their mission.
Later on, the team of teen mutants and a few Joes were with them, riding in a special helicopter adapted to the cold. Wild Bill, ace Texan Joe pilot, was behind the controls. They all wore winter clothes.
"Brrrrrr! I'm c-c-cooooooold!" Pietro whined as he shivered.
"God, shut up, Maximoff." Craig muttered under his breath as he pulled his coat tighter around himself.
"We're all cold, Pietro." Lance retorted.
"If you're so cold, Quicksilver, why don't you rub your hands together with your speed?" Xi suggested mirthfully.
"I'll set myself on fire!" Pietro exclaimed.
"Tell me when that happens. I'll get the marshmallows." Wanda cracked with a smirk. She looked around and saw the gang. Cover Girl, Spirit, and Roadblock were with them, as was Low Light, a mutant Joe marksman with the ability to turn his body into any substance. They were all talking amongst themselves.
Lance was patting his sides in an attempt to stay warm. Paul didn't seem to notice the cold, shown by his happily whistling a song Wanda recognized as Kiss's "Rock 'n' Roll All Night". Craig was silent, polishing a police officer's nightstick he had with him. The hexcaster had remembered that according to Paul, Craig stole it from an LA cop when he was twelve and he had it ever since. She then remembered Paul's remark after it: "They My brother proved he feared nothing that day."
Althea was playing cards with Todd and Xi. Upon closer inspection, Althea and Todd were teaching Xi how to play "Go Fish." Blob was playing with a paddleball. Pietro was trying to take his mind off the cold by taking a nap. His mutant metabolism made it tough though.
"I'm soooo cooooold!" The speedster whined loudly. "I'm bundled up like a pair of socks, but I'm still freezing!"
"If anyone wants me to cave his skull in with my nightstick, just say the word." Craig offered.
"Take it easy, Darkstar." Cover Girl patted his shoulder.
"I am so sick of hearing that silver-haired baby whine, complain, and moan!" Craig snapped. "How do you people put up with him?!"
"I am not a baby!" Quicksilver snapped back.
"We got used to it. We just have to ignore it." Wanda sighed.
"I got it!" Paul offered. "Hey Pietro!"
"What?" The speedster looked at Paul. The Los Angelan's eye flashed with purple light, and Pietro fell into a trance.
"Take a nice relaxing nap." Paul offered. Pietro immediately fell asleep. "There we go. He's quiet for now." Wanda looked at Craig.
"Why didn't you do that? Can't you do that, too?"
"That's Paul's thing." Craig explained. "I prefer handing out a beating." Wanda nodded in understanding.
"Ah, I see." Her face then formed a smirk. "By the way Craig, don't forget our date tonight." She spoke in a syrupy sweet voice. Darkstar started muttering under his breath about the pool game while blushing.
"Aww, don't you worry, bro." Paul laughed, throwing his arm over his brother's shoulders. "I can give you some tips." The adult Joes decided to join in the fun.
"I was told about your little date. Good luck, kid." Low Light nodded at the former gang-member. Cover Girl tussled Craig's wild black hair.
"Ha ha, I knew you liked Wanda. I could tell from the first moment I saw you see her."
"Oh, God..." Craig groaned in embarrassment.
"Love is an incredible thing. Many good things it has been known to bring." Roadblock grinned. Spirit smiled and shook his head in amazement. Darkstar was very uncomfortable and angry.
"I'M ONLY TAKING WANDA OUT ON A DATE BECAUSE SHE BEAT ME IN A POOL GAME! THAT IS IT!" Craig yelled in rage, his eye glowing purple.
"You know you want her, man." Lance laughed. Paul started singing.
"I've been really tryyyin', bay-beh..." Paul sang, doing a great Marvin Gaye.
"I. Am. Going. To. Blast. You. Clowns." Craig growled out, his eye glowing a hot angry purple.
"Okay everyone, let's knock it off." Cover Girl told the boys. "Craig's had enough."
"Yeah, sure." Lance chuckled. "Sorry, man. We're just messing with you."
Craig crossed his arms. "It's not very funny."
"Hey listen, if you need some advice..."
"I've heard about that fustercluck you call a relationship with the Pryde girl." Craig frowned. "No thank you."
"It would do you a world of good to discuss your feelings regarding Wanda." Fred suggested.
"Thank you, but no thank you, Dr. Freud."
"If you do change your mind, we can discuss it privately if you wish."
"Whatever."
"Yee-hah!" Wild Bill called out as the chopper landed. "We're near the coordinates, boys and girls! Be careful out there. I'll be waiting if you need backup."
"Thanks, Wild Bill." Cover Girl waved at the cockpit area as the group prepared to disembark. She turned to Xi. "Uh, Xi...Can you...uh..." The former model tried to be delicate. "...handle the cold?"
"I may be part reptilian, but I am warm-blooded. Temperature will not affect my performance." Xi answered reassuringly. Cover Girl nodded.
"Just wanted to be sure." The ex-model said. The group walked towards a group of Snowcats, GI Joe snowmobiles. Standing in front of them was a redheaded bearded man in white snow gear.
"Right on time, guys." The man, the Joe codenamed Snow Job, nodded with a smile.
"Thanks for helping us with this, Snow Job." Spirit thanked.
"No problem." Snow Job shrugged. "Since you guys are going to be dealing with something here, I figured I'd help out. After all, cold weather combat is my specialty." The group boarded the Snowcats. Naturally, the adult Joes were piloting. One had Lance, Xi, Spirit, and Cover Girl, a second had Todd, Paul, Craig, Althea, Snow Job, and Roadblock, and a third had Low Light, Fred, Wanda, and Pietro inside. The three vehicles moved out and drove on. They drove to the exact coordinates, but found nothing. Spirit's was the first to arrive. The Native American Joe picked up the radio's mic.
"Spirit to Roadblock. Come in Roadblock."
"Roadblock here. Comin' in loud and clear." Roadblock's voice crackled from the radio.
"There's nothing here."
"You gotta be kidding me." Cover Girl groaned as the other Snowcats caught up.
"Right. Everybody out!" Roadblock ordered. The group got out of the vehicles and looked around. Cover Girl looked at a map.
"I don't understand it. These are the right coordinates." The tank driver blinked in confusion.
"We'd better stay alert." Spirit warned. "This may be a trap."
"I knew it. I knew it! I knew this 'Viper' guy couldn't be trusted!" Craig yelled in anger, kicking the snow. "Now we're here in the middle of freakin' Antarctica, freezing our butts off!"
"Not really. I read there's a lot of science bases here and stuff." Paul countered. "Maybe we can say hi and get ourselves some hot chocolate!"
"I could go for some hot cocoa myself." Wanda admitted.
"Me too, witchy." Todd muttered, rubbing his gloved hands quickly. "I friggin' hate the cold."
"Heh heh heh heh heh..." Pietro smirked at Craig. "And you say I whine too much." Craig sighed.
"Maximoff, I am cold and angry." Craig pulled his nightstick from his jacket. "If you do not want your skull fractured, I suggest you shut the hell up."
"Oooh, I'm so scared!" Pietro mocked, wiggling his fingers. Meanwhile, Lance and Low Light were checking out the Antarctic landscape.
"We shouldn't wander around, Lance." The sniper warned the geokinetic. "The Antarctic is too dangerous to wander around alone."
"I know, Low Light." Lance nodded. "I just wanted to take a look at the horizon a bit. Beautiful, huh?"
"Yeah, I guess." The mutant marksman shrugged. He looked around and noticed something on the ground. "Hey, what's that?" He pointed to a strange-looking glowing rock that was sticking out of the snowy ground. The glow of the rock allowed it to be easily spotted in the snow. Lance looked over at it and smiled.
"Beautiful rock." Lance smiled as he examined it with his eyes. "Wonder why it's glowing like that?"
"Alvers, don't be nuts! You may not want to go near that thing." Low Light warned, lightly tugging Lance away. "It might be a trap."
"Yeah, you may have a point." Lance agreed. "A real shame, though. It's a pretty rock. Kitty would love it."
"Are you two on or off again? I can't keep track." Low Light cracked. Lance snickered.
"Low Light, was that a joke?"
The sniper shook his head. "Me? Never." The rock's glow went from green to red, and it started emitting a strange buzzing sound. "What the?"
"Oh, it's glowing red and buzzing. That's never good."
"No, it is not." Low Light growled. A trap elevator activated and went downward, taking Roadblock, the Starr Brothers, Toad, and Wavedancer with it.
"Hey! What the-!" Toad yelled as they went down.
"Dammit!" Craig snapped.
"Todd! Althea!" Xi and the others tried to grab them, but they were too late. A panel slammed shut over the hole the elevator left behind.
"Aw snap!" Roadblock spat as the group went down. "What's going on?" Craig instinctively held on to his nightstick and looked around quickly. Toad and Althea readied their bo staffs, while Paul's eye glowed.
"Search me, yo." Toad quipped.
"Must you crack jokes now?" Craig groaned.
"Hey, it lifts the mood!" Todd grinned at the former gang member.
"Stay on your toes, everyone." Althea ordered. "We have to keep an eye out for anything."
"I just hope it's not anything really bad or scary." Paul looked around.
"Knowing our luck, we could end up getting swarmed by Cobra goons or their damned robots." Craig grumbled. "I friggin' hate the robots."
"You hate everything." Paul teased his brothers. "Besides, we can take 'em. After all, we're super-powered butt kicking machines!"
"Roadblock here has no powers, just a big gun and a thing for rhyming." Craig reminded, jerking his thumb at said Joe in question.
"All I need is my .50 Browning." Roadblock smiled. "The sight of it always sends Cobra running."
"See what I mean?" Craig sighed. A thunk was heard. "What was that?"
"I think we've stopped." Todd remarked, clutching his staff. A doorway opened, leading up to a hallway. "What is this place?"
"Keep on your toes, everyone." Althea repeated. "We have no idea what this place is."
"Stay behind me, kids." Roadblock cocked his Browning machine gun. "Don't want Cobra blastin' off your lids."
"And keep quiet." Althea added. The group slowly and carefully walked down the hallway, ending in a door. "What is this?"
"It's a door, babe." Todd answered. Althea shot him a look.
"Ha ha ha."
"What is behind the door?" Paul mumbled to himself.
"Knowing our luck, something that's really going to suck." Craig muttered. He then realized what he just said and groaned, then glared at Roadblock. "Thanks, Joe! Now I'm doing that damn stupid rhyming!"
"And you're a natural." Roadblock joked. Todd smiled.
"Heh heh. That's our Roadblock." The door opened up, revealing...a chamber. The chamber was what essentially was a big lounge, with tan walls, a dark red carpet, and a huge monitor on the opposite wall with a couple tan couches in front of it. The other walls had tables and arcade machines on the walls. "Huh?" He and the others blinked in confusion. "What is this, yo?"
"Maybe Cobra is doing their own take on the Lizard Lounge." Paul quipped. Craig slapped him upside the head. "Ow!" He rubbed his head and frowned at Craig.
"Don't be a moron, Paul." Darkstar grumbled. With a whirring noise, a panel on the floor in front of the room opened, and a robot emerged from the panel. It was a small gray robot, the size of an oil barrel. It had a head shaped like a light bulb, and a goofy smiley face made of lights. The mutant narrowed his eyes at it. "What the devil is this thing?"
"Robot! Cool!" Paul looked it over. "Man, this thing can't even turn into a cool car or jet plane or robot animal! What's the point of this thing?" Todd lightly knocked on the robot's head like he was knocking on a door.
"What is this robot thing for?" The amphibious mutant scratched his head. Althea's eyes narrowed.
"I know I've seen one of these before..." She mumbled as she tried to recall the relevant memory. "You guys, we'd better not screw around with this thing. It could be really dangerous."
"Greetings." The robot piped up.
"What the-?" Roadblock's eyes bulged. Paul grinned widely.
"Hey, this thing talks! Radical!" He looked at the robot. "Who made you, Mr. Robot?"
"Welcome to Cobra Rest and Relaxation Base #9." The robot greeted. "Please follow me." The robot wheeled into the room, and the group followed. Althea snapped her fingers.
"Aww, now I remember!" Althea grinned as the memory returned. "The Joes busted up a base like this some years ago. This was a robot they used to welcome them. I saw one being brought to Airtight's lab for examination."
"So this thing's essentially an electronic doorman." Todd realized.
"Pretty much."
"A Cobra base! We found a Cobra base in the damn Antarctic!" Craig threw his arms up in the air. "I knew it! I knew it!"
"How did they manage to construct this place beyond the notice of anyone here?" Roadblock frowned in confusion.
"Antarctica's pretty damn big, isn't it?" Craig wondered.
"Please enjoy our facilities." The robot made a motion to the monitor. "You can work out in the Cobra Commander Gymnasium..." The monitor showed Cobra soldiers working out. The walls of the gym on the screen had several pictures of the terrorist leader.
"Boy, and some say Pietro's an egomaniac." Craig slapped his forehead with his palm.
"No kidding, yo." Todd agreed, rolling his eyes. The robot continued.
"Dining facilities are available in the Destro Cafeteria." The monitor changed view to one of Cobra soldiers getting food in a cafeteria line.
"Honestly, I could go for a burger, some fries, and a Coke right now." Paul joked. "I'll hit the place right now and grab some grub! Anyone want anything?" Althea put her finger on her chin melodramatically.
"Hmmm, now that you think about it, I'd love some chocolate cake."
"Maybe a nice Sloppy Joe." Todd licked his lips. Craig shook his head.
"Entertainments are held in the Zartan Entertainment Center." The robot droned. The picture changed to a row of dancing girls in pretty dresses. "Tonight, the Cobra Cuties will be performing."
"Hard to believe they'd name a place after Zartan of all people." Althea remarked.
"Maybe he had dirt on the architects." Todd suggested. Althea nodded.
"That's make sense."
Craig smirked at the image. "Good thing Quickie ain't here. He'd have a heart attack at the sight of that."
"Yeah. He'd be beggin' to see the babes." Paul chuckled. He suddenly grabbed Roadblock's shirt and started begging, doing an impersonation of Pietro. "Pleeeeeeease, let's see the dancing girls!" Todd, Roadblock, and Althea laughed. Craig rolled his eyes, but did let out a "heh".
"That's pretty good, yo." Todd clapped his hands.
"You got a knack for impersonating, Paul." Althea added.
"Thanks!" Paul grinned, taking a bow. Craig let out a small smile.
"That's my brother." He mumbled to himself. "Ever the entertainer." He them facepalmed. Dammit, Craig! Stop doing that rhyming thing!
"Hey Craig, maybe you could pick up a nice slice of cake for Wanda. I'm sure she'd really love that!" Paul joked.
"Wanda is not my girlfriend!" Craig snapped, his cheeks bright red. Roadblock put a hand on Craig's shoulder.
"Calm down, Darkstar." Roadblock said. "Here, getting mad won't get you far."
"Al, Roadblock, what the hell do we do?" Todd asked in concern, looking at Althea and Roadblock. "We found a Cobra base in the Antarctic, and we have no idea what this place is here for."
"The robot did say this place is essentially a gigantic rest stop." Paul reminded. "Maybe there's nothing significant here."
"I say we get the hell out of here." Althea suggested. "Find a way out and tell the other Joes, and then we'll discuss our options." Roadblock nodded.
"Let's go, then. Quietly." The group quietly left the room. The robot watched them go.
"Have a good time, and drive carefully."
"Ah, shaddap." Craig grumbled.
Outside the Cobra base
The other Joes and Misfits were gathered around the door. The Joe tracker, Spirit, was checking the cracks between the ground and the door, hoping to find some way to trigger it.
"Nothing." He shook his head and got up. "There is nothing here that could trigger the trap door."
"You sure, Spirit?" Low Light asked.
"Couldn't find a handle or switch or anything." Spirit shook his head. "Why haven't they tried to call us on their Joe-Coms?"
"They probably can't." Cover Girl suggested. "They either got jammed, or..." She shook her head. The former model didn't want to think of the other possibility.
"Well then, how did the damn thing activate, then?!" Pietro exclaimed, throwing his arms up in the air. Lance sighed and raised his hand sheepishly.
"I think I may be able to answer that."
"What makes you say that?" Spirit asked the Misfit he adopted.
"Well, I saw this weird rock over there..." Lance remembered, pointing behind him with his thumb. "It was glowing. It looked really cool."
"I convinced him not to touch the rock, as it might have been dangerous." Low Light added.
"Anyway..." Lance continued. "I wanted to take it home and maybe show it to Kitty..." The other Misfits all groaned.
"Aw man, everywhere we go, Lance has to mention Kitty!" Quicksilver slapped his forehead. Wanda pinched the bridge of her nose.
"Avalanche, can't you go five minutes without pining over Kitty?!"
"I wasn't pining!" Lance snapped. "All I said was I wanted to send the rock to her!"
"Enough!" Low Light yelled. "We saw the rock glowing, and when we got near it, it changed color."
"Maybe it was the trigger." Cover Girl deduced.
"The rock may have been a disguised motion sensor." Spirit agreed. "Take us to it."
Inside the base
"Wow." Paul mumbled in amazement. He, Craig, Toad, Althea, and Roadblock had found themselves at the "Destro Cafeteria". It was a huge room full of tables that brought to mind a school cafeteria. And unfortunately, it was full of Cobra soldiers having lunch.
"There must be a couple hundred troops in here." Craig grunted. "Paul, our hypnotic powers aren't strong enough to deal with that many."
"Well, maybe they'll be strong enough with some spinach? Heh heh." Paul quipped.
"Too bad none of us are Popeye." Craig answered.
"We gotta move fast and quietly." Althea whispered. "Let's go." The roup started to sneak by quietly. However, Todd eyed a chocolate cake on the food line. He licked his lips.
"Mm, cake..." Distracted by the cake, Todd's foot caught on Craig's, and the two tumbled to the ground. "Oof!"
"Todd, you bonehead!" Craig snapped.
"Oops! Sorry!"
"Why can't you keep an eye on where you're walking, you clumsy-!" Unfortunately, the commotion the two teenage mutants made caused a soldier to spot them.
"Oh boy." Todd mumbled. Craig facepalmed.
"Aw, crap."
"Nice work, you two!" Althea snapped.
"Sound the alarm! It's GI Joe!" The Cobra soldier yelled. Another one hit a red button on the wall. The lights went red, and an alarm klaxon started blaring.
In a command area of the base, a man was reading a magazine while leaning back in his chair. He had blond hair that was slicked back and gleaming, obviously showing he had used a little too much styling gel. He looked like a disco dancer right out of the 1970s, complete with platform shoes, and a high-collar jacket with the Cobra logo on it. The alert klaxon made him fall out with a WAH!
"Ughn. Ohh..." He rubbed a sore spot on his head as he checked the surveillance monitors. "Huh?" He saw the four Misfits and Roadblock on one. A GI Joe, and some of their pet mutants! If they're here, then... The base commander realized something. "There's more Joes outside!" He pressed an intercom button on a control panel in front of him. "Send out the HISS tanks! We're being invaded by the Joes!"
Back inside the cafeteria, the Cobra soldiers realized they didn't have their weapons with them. It was due to an incident a week ago between two troopers involving an argument over which animal would be more dangerous when given cybernetic enhancements, and weapons got drawn. As a result, guns were banned from the cafeteria. As a result of this, the troopers were forced to improvise. It became a food fight.
"Nice work, Captain Clumsy!" Craig yelled at Todd as he dodged a pie.
"Get down!" Althea ordered. She and Toad flipped a couple of long tables up and the group hid behind them. A grin crossed her face. "I love a good food fight!" Paul caught a piece of chocolate cake in mid-air. He offered the piece to Althea.
"Cake?"
"Thank you." She took the cake and munched down. Toad stared at her, his eyes showing his desire for some of the tasty treat.
"Hey Al, how about sharing some of that cake with me?" The amphibious mutant asked. Althea smiled and kissed his cheek, leaving chocolate lip marks on it. "Thanks, yo." He saw another piece of cake fly by. The boy lashed at it with his long tongue, perfectly catching it and happily chomping down.
"How do we take 'em out?" Craig growled in frustration. "We can't use our eye beams, because the Joes have some kind of thing against us putting holes in people!" Paul laughed.
"It's a food fight, Darkstar!" Paul caught a banana and threw it back. "Use the food! We've been in food fights before!"
"Can't we just fight these guys like normal people?" Craig groaned.
"In this outfit, you must learn to adapt, Darkstar." Roadblock caught a herring. "If you can adapt, you will go very far." The heavy machine gunner smacked an advancing Cobra soldier with the fish. Craig sighed.
"Might as well." Darkstar grabbed an apple, and put his head over the makeshift table barricade. "HEY COBRA!" Craig pitched the apple and it bonked one Cobra soldier in the head, making the man fell over unconscious with a grunt.
"Randy Johnson, meet your long lost kid." Todd quipped.
Outside the base
The group had gathered around the rock that Lance had pointed out.
"There it is." The geokinetic pointed at it.
"What did you guys exactly do?" Cover Girl asked.
"We just stood near it." Lance explained. "Low Light told me not to touch it."
"Pretty much how the earthshaker here tells it." Low Light confirmed with a nod.
"Perhaps it has a proximity sensor." Spirit suggested. "It activates when people get close enough to it." He noticed that Xi had been staring out into the distance, his head cocked. "Xi? Are you alright?"
"I think there's something coming..." Xi answered.
"Out here?" Snow Job rubbed his red-bearded chin with his gloved hand. "Probably US Marshals or something." The group then heard a rumbling. "Please God, don't tell me that was a kaiju." Xi's eyes widened.
"Look!" The artificial life form pointed ahead of him. Approximately ten HISS Tanks advanced on the remaining Joe team, complete with some ground troops covering them, all appropriately attired for cold-weather combat.
"Cobra. Aw, hell..." Snow Job groaned.
"Beautiful, just beautiful." Low Light grumbled, gripping his sniper rifle. The Cobra troopers and the HISS tanks opened fire on the heroes.
"WHOA!" The heroes ducked.
"To the Snowcats!" Spirit ordered.
"Prepare to engage. YO JOE!" Cover Girl cried out. The group of heroes got inside the Snowcats and drove away from the scene. Cover Girl grabbed the intercom. "Wild Bill! We need some air cover!"
"You got it, Cover Girl!" The Texan pilot whooped. "YEEEHAH!" Wild Bill flew down like an angry bird of prey, his helicopter's guns a-blazin' on the tanks. Two Snowcats, piloted by Spirit and Low Light, advanced on the HISS tanks, using their superior speed to easily outmaneuver them and fire on them. Cover Girl and the Misfits hid behind the remaining one, taking care of the ground forces.
"Xi! Pietro! Use your invisibility and speed to surprise them!" Lance ordered.
"We'll provide cover fire!" Snow Job added, firing his gun at the Cobras. Lance himself was staying with the Snowcats. His powers were too dangerous to use here in this part of the world.
"No problem!" Xi turned invisible and Pietro used his speed to confuse the soldiers, while the snake-like mutant used his fists and feet to knock them out cold.
"Let's go!" Cover Girl jumped in the Snowcat. "Roadblock and Spirit will need our help!"
"Right!" Lance, Wanda, Pietro, and Xi jumped into the Snowcat alongside Snow Job and Shipwreck and they engaged the tanks.
Back inside the base
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Althea cackled madly as she dodged some fruit while pitching some vegetables. "I am the Queen of Food Fights! You can't stop me!"
"Gah!" One Cobra soldier gasped as he got hit by a plate of broccoli.
"Guh!" Another got hit by a tomato.
"Augh!" A third took a potato to the face. Meanwhile, Craig and Paul were throwing bananas like boomerangs at some troopers.
"Crikey, mate! This fight's a real ripper!" Paul quipped in an Australian accent.
"Please stop." Craig groaned.
"Sorry." Paul smiled. "Reminds me of a friend of mine. He was Australian. I miss him."
"That nut job." Craig grumbled. Roadblock was right in the fray, smacking Cobras left and right with big herrings.
"I'm beating Cobras with a pair of fish! Boy, the gossipmongers will love this dish!" He whooped.
"You have a GUN!" Craig yelled at the heavy machine gunner. "Shoot them!"
"It just don't seem right, using a gun in a food fight!"
"I hate that man so much." Craig grumbled. Toad threw some French bread loaves like spears.
"Hey guess what, yo? I found a use for French food!"
"Nice one!" Althea gave a thumbs up. "Check this!" She kicked a soldier in the side, chopped him in the throat, then whacked him with a head of lettuce in an underhand blow.
"That's cool!" Todd grinned. Craig watched this exchange, then glared at his banana.
"Enough of this child's play!" He yelled, pulling out his nightstick from his jacket. Darkstar loudly screamed an animalistic battle cry as he jumped into the fray, bashing skulls in with his nightstick. Paul's eyes
"Ooh boy. Bro, wait up!" Paul grabbed a couple strings of sausage links and followed his street thug twin, twirling the links like nunchucks, laughing. "Hail to the king, baby! WHOO!" One Cobra soldier blinked.
"What the-? OOF!" He took some links to the face.
"Combat cold cuts!" Paul whooped. Todd and Althea watched this with amazement.
"Those two Starr boys are a perfect fit for us, yo. They are nuts." Toad remarked.
"You gotta admit, those Starr brothers have a lot of guts." Wavedancer quipped, unintentionally rhyming.
Outside the base
"I want my mommy!" Quicksilver wailed loudly as the HISS tank sent the Snowcat spinning. Lance moaned and held his stomach.
"My brains are going into my feet..." Wanda warbled woozily.
"Oh God, I think I'm gonna be sick." The earthshaking mutant's cheeks turned bright green.
"Whatever you do Lance, don't hurl!" Cover Girl exclaimed as she gripped the controls.
"I think I'm going to puke, too." Shipwreck moaned.
"Don't you puke in my Snowcat, Shipwreck!" Snow Job snapped. "I just had the interior cleaned!" After all the spinning, the snowmobile landed on its side.
"Everyone alright?" Shipwreck asked.
"I think I'm concussed..." Pietro groaned, holding his head. Lance groaned and clutched his stomach.
"Don't hurl don't hurl don't hurl dont'hurldon'thurldon'thurl..." He mumbled to himself.
"We gotta get out of here." Shipwreck groaned, fiddling with the hatch. The sailor managed to get the hatch on the back opened up, and Wanda Maximoff was the first to stumble out. She struggled to stand up, giggling like a schoolgirl the entire time.
"Hee hee hee, look at all the pretty colors." The Scarlet Witch grinned goofily, her brain temporarily scrambled by the spinning. She then fell on her butt, still giggling. "I fell on my butt, now my butt is big."
"Everybody out!" Cover Girl ordered. The Joes and Misfits managed to make their way out of the damaged Snowcat, but not without difficulty. The young mutants struggled to get out, thanks to their dizziness. She pulled out her laser rifle and fired at the advancing tanks. She eyed Lance helping Wanda to her feet, Wanda mumbling something silly before shaking her head. The ex-model couldn't help but chuckle slightly before continuing to fire at the tanks.
"What do we do, Cover Girl?" Xi asked the Joe. "My shuriken cannot harm those tanks." Lance and Wanda eyed a missile rack on the Snowcat. Due to the rolling, it got bent out of shape...resulting in the missiles pointing at the tanks.
"These landlubbers have got us pinned." Shipwreck grumbled. "Where the hell are the others?!"
"I got an idea!" Lance exclaimed. "Wanda, hex those missiles!" Wanda's eyes widened.
"Are you crazy?!" She gasped. "I could cause those damned things to blow up in our faces!"
"It could help stop those tanks!" Lance countered. He heard a helicopter. "Please tell me that's just Wild Bill..." The helicopter soared over the group's heads. "It's Wild Bill." The HISS Tanks fired at the helicopter. Wild Bill tried to dodge the tanks' fire.
"Wanda..." Lance looked at her.
Wanda nodded in understanding. "Right!"
"Everyone get back!" Shipwreck yelled, waving at the others. Wanda tossed a hexbolt at the missiles, then ran like a bat out of hell. The missiles fired and hit the HISS tanks, wrecking them.
"That should not have worked." Wanda blinked.
"I am honestly glad it did." Snow Job remarked.
"The skies here are clear as a bell, which is lovely for me!" Wild Bill whooped. "Time to blast that base to smithereens! Yo Joe! Yeeee-hah!"
"Be careful, Wild Bill!" Snow Job warned. "Some of ours are in there!"
"Don't you worry, Snow Job!" Wild Bill laughed. "I'll be as gentle as a baby lamb!"
Inside the base, the Destro Cafeteria
"Well, that was fun." Paul snickered as he looked over the bodies of all the Cobra soldiers while wiping some lemon meringue pie off his face. The cafeteria itself was a mess, food was everywhere. The Joes and Misfits with the young mutant had splotches of food all over them as well. Most of the soldiers were unconscious, and the ones that weren't were tied up by some rope Roadblock found. Paul tried some of the pie that was on his face. "Mm, I had no idea lemon meringue pie was so good."
"Yech." Craig grumbled, pulling a banana peel out of his hair. "For God's sake..."
"Hey, don't be grumpy, Darkstar." Todd chuckled, eating a piece of pizza. "To be honest, I'd rather be stuck in a food fight rather than a gunfight."
"Unless Shadowcat's cooking is involved." Althea shuddered. "I'd rather be caught in a gunfight between a bunch of crazy rednecks."
"Oh yeah." Todd shuddered himself. "Aw well, at least this one was fun, yo."
"Hey, Craig!" Paul held out a pan with half a pie in it. "It's lemon meringue! It's good! Give it a try!" Craig quietly glared at his brother. He then took some of the pie and ate it.
"Not bad."
"Yeah, I know." Paul grinned. "Who made this? This is good pie."
"We can find that out later, Starchild." Raodblock told the Los Angelan mutant. "We gotta find out what these Cobras here are up to before things get too wild." He gestured with his machine gun to the group of Cobra soldiers he had tied up.
"You know, considering what we saw, and the fact these guys were unarmed, maybe there's nothing going on here." Althea suggested.
"But the Viper's tip..."
Todd grinned widely. "Hey, I got an idea!" He turned his head to Paul and Craig. "You guys got hypnotic powers, right? Why not hypnotize these troopers and we can find out info from them?" Paul and Craig looked at each other.
"Makes me wonder why you guys didn't use that power to make the Cobra soldiers stop attacking us." Althea glanced that the Starr Twins.
"Too many soldiers." Craig explained. "Paul and I can only hypnotize about three people at once each."
"But we still would've had six helpers."
"Aquagirl, we need to make eye contact with people to use that power." Craig glared at Althea. "In a battle like this, those soldiers weren't going to stand still and look right at us long enough."
"I...kind of don't like using that power." Paul admitted quietly, rubbing the back of his head. "You see, under our hypnosis, people can't lie, and we can't force people to do something they won't do normally. But to do that, we have to take people's ability to control themselves away, their free will. It's not something that fills me with willingness to use my hypnotic abilities."
"You had no problem putting Pietro to sleep earlier." Todd remarked. Paul rubbed the back of his head shamefully.
"I thought it would help prevent Pietro from getting murdered for his complaining about being cold."
"I see." Althea nodded in understanding.
"I'll do it." Craig offered, walking up to one of the moaning troopers. He grabbed the man. "Okay, snake man. Look into my eyes..."
"Horseradish!" The Cobra soldier mumbled in a daze. However, before Craig was able to get the man under his hypnotic spell, the muffled noise of an explosion could be heard from above, accompanied by some shaking.
"That idiot Avalanche had better not be seizuring again!" Craig grumbled, tossing the man back down. Todd shook his head.
"Nah, if Rocky was seizuring, the shaking would be going longer."
"And it would be worse than this." Althea added. She pointed upwards. "The roof would be coming right down on top of us right now."
"It's probably the others outside, which is cool." Roadblock remarked. "It means they are coming to our rescue."
"Hope so." Paul nodded. "I don't think there's anything useful here."
"If there was a computer here, I could look in the base's system for something." Todd suggested. "I have a bit of a knack for computers, yo."
"My Toddles is quite the hacker." Althea smiled at her boyfriend. Craig blinked and jerked his thumb at Todd.
"This guy can use a computer?"
"Better than many." Todd grinned proudly.
"Let's get outta here, guys." Althea ordered. A Cobra soldier slowly got to his feet, and Craig knocked him out with his nightstick.
"Please." He said. The team quickly got out of the room. Meanwhile, the disco dancer-looking head of the base had been watching the fight, and prepared to leave.
"Aw man! Those freaks are tough! I'd better get outta here before they catch me!" The man ran like he had never ran before. He raced down a hall to an escape jet, but Roadblock caught up to him.
"Hey!" Roadblock yelled. He started chasing after him.
"Oh shoot!" The base commander yelped in shock. He ran towards the jet, hoping to get inside before Roadblock could catch him, but Toad appeared out of nowhere thanks to his ninja training.
"Stay for the party, yo! You're the big guest of honor!" Toad whooped. The base commander put his hand into his jacket, hoping to grab his gun, but Toad's tongue was quicker. The amphibian mutant fired sid long tongue, wrapping it around the man's ankles, making the commander fall on his face.
"Nice job, Todd!" Roadblock complimented, giving Toad a thumbs up. "You stopped this man by just being odd!"
"Hankth, Hoadbloch!" Toad tried to smile. The others caught up to the two heroes and grabbed the base commander.
"Roadblock to Cover Girl. We found a friend here." Roadblock grinned at the man. "And he's going to tell us all, you hear?" A little later, the Joes and Misfits were fully reunited, and the man was tied to a chair in his office.
"Alright." Craig scowled at the man, brandishing his nightstick. "You will give us with some information. Who is the Viper? Why did he send us these coordinates?"
"I ain't tellin' no mutie anything!" The man snapped, spitting at Darkstar. Cover Girl smacked the man upside the head.
"Don't spit on our kids, Disco Dan." Cover Girl warned. Craig continued scowling.
"I could take this nightstick and beat the information out of you..." A smirk formed on his face. "But I don't have to?"
"Oh, what're you going to do, ask me nicely?" The base commander mocked. Craig snickered.
"Don't have to." The young mutant looked at the man. "Look into my eyes." The former gang member's star-covered eye erupted with a bright flash of purple light. The man's eyes then started emitting a slight purple glow. Craig's hypnotic powers had put the man under his control.
"I take it you got him under your control?" Low Light asked.
"Yup." Craig nodded. "Ask him anything, and he'll answer."
"He can't lie under our hypnotic trances." Paul added. "No one can." Pietro eagerly raised his hand.
"I want to ask him something!"
"Go ahead, Pete."
"Who do you think is the most awesome of us?" Pietro grinned.
"The one who can make earthquakes." The base commander answered, his voice in a flat monotone. Lance chuckled.
"Well, would you look at that." The earthshaker observed. "I am popular."
Todd rolled his eyes. "Don't let it get to that rock head of yours, yo." Pietro's face fell.
"He's gotta be lying!"
"He can't." Paul repeated. "It's impossible to lie under our control."
"What if he's faking it?" Snow Job thought out loud. "Not everyone can be hypnotized."
"People with strong wills can break free, but it still takes time." Craig told the red-haired Arctic trooper. "And this moron here looks like we can keep him under for a while."
"Are you a moron?" Todd asked the base commander in jest.
"No, I just dress like one." The base commander answered. The group chuckled.
"At least he's right about that." Pietro nodded. He then looked at Paul. "You and him would get along. Neither of you have any sense of style."
"I don't go around making fun of the clothes you wear." Paul answered back simply.
"Be nice, Pietro." Spirit chided.
"Guys, we need the info now." Low Light reminded. "Ask him about the Viper, Darkstar."
"Yeah, sure." Craig nodded. He turned to the base commander. "Who is the Viper?"
"He is a supervillain and the leader of the Serpent Society." The man answered.
"The Serpent Society?" Fred scratched his head. "Those racist lunatics?"
"That's the Sons of the Serpent, yo." Todd corrected. "The Serpent Society are different."
"Yeah, they're more a union of snake-themed supervillains. They're rather diverse, and they hate the Sons of the Serpent." Spirit added.
"Oh yeah, the Fantastic Four got between a brawl between the two groups last week. It was funny." Todd grinned.
"If you don't know who the Viper is, why did he send coordinates that led here to us?" Craig asked the base commander.
"I don't know." The disco-dressing base commander answered. "This base is made as a place where Cobra troopers can rest up and get some relaxation away from the Joes."
Todd grinned widely. "Okay, I want to have a little fun with this guy!"
"Todd..." Roadblock glared.
"Sing the theme from The Greatest American Hero!" Todd commanded the base commander. The man immediately did so.
"Believe it or not, I'm walking on air! I never thought I could feel so free-hee-hee..."
"Toad!" Roadblock snapped. Todd grinned apologetically.
"I'm so sorry, yo! I couldn't resist!"
Cover Girl looked at the man. "I suppose we won't be getting anything else out of him." The tank driver surmised.
"Yup." Craig confirmed with a nod.
"Okay, release him."
Craig nodded. "Right." The young mutant snapped his fingers, and the purple glow faded from the base commander's eyes. The man blinked in confusion.
"Hey, what's going on? Where am I?" He looked down and noticed he was tied up, and his memory returned. "Hey, untie me, you Joe jerks!" He glared at Darkstar. "What'd you do to me, you freak?!"
"Be glad I asked you questions instead of these guys." Craig smirked, jerking his thumb at the Joes.
"Okay, this is weird." Snow Job scratched his beard in thought. "Why would the Viper tell us to come here?"
"I don't know..." Cover Girl frowned in thought.
"Let's search the place." Althea suggested. "Maybe there's something here he wants us to find. It may help us figure out what's going on here and what the deal is with this place."
"Good idea, Wavedancer." Spirit complimented. "Let's go."
Cobra HQ, some time later
Cobra Commander cursed in frustration when he had gotten the news. That Antarctica base was one of the
What was that madman thinking?! The terrorist leader threw his hands up. He marched up to a computer on his desk and started typing. "That snake bastard had better answer..." A figure appeared on the screen. It was of a man dressed in a full body-covering costume in two shades of green. The eyeholes of the mask were covered by yellow lenses that had black slits on them, making them look like a snake's eyes. On his chest was an emblem of a snake. "Viper, what was the meaning of this?!"
"The meaning of what?!" The man asked in confusion.
Viper. Real name: Jordan Dixon, alias Jordan Stryke. Physiology: Human. Affiliations: Serpent Solutions. Powers: No innate superpowers. Skilled hand-to-hand combatant, knowledge of chemistry. Uses darts loaded with various poisons that create various effects.
Once, this man was Jordan Dixon, a former advertising executive. During his years of toiling in that job, he was also working as a criminal under the name of Jordan Stryke. He eventually decided to reinvent himself as a costumed supervillain known as the Viper. After some time as a solo villain, often battling Captain America, he gathered up a group of costumed snake-themed villains, where they became known as Serpent Solutions. One of the members, Sidewinder, suggested that the group be a trade union for supervillains. Stryke liked the idea and named him second in command.
Cobra Commander had hired Serpent Solutions for a job. The Commander had grown concerned about using the Dreadnoks for the job, as he had felt they were too...rough-and-tumble for it.
"You tipped off the Joes to our base in Antarctica!"
Viper blinked in confusion at the accusation. "...what?"
"You contacted the Joes and told them about our base in Antarctica! That was a hidden place our troops could use to relax away from the Joes!" Cobra Commander snapped angrily. "And you tipped them off!"
"And why the hell would I do that?" Viper asked.
"That's what I want to know!"
"I just learned of this so-called 'hidden base'!" Viper exclaimed. "You just told me about it! How could I tip off the Joes to a base I didn't know about until after they wrecked the place?!"
Cobra Commander was about to roar back in rage, when he realized something. "...you have a point."
"Exactly." Viper nodded. "I am going to forgive this little bit of insanity on your part."
"Fine, fine." Cobra Commander waved it off. "Can your little group do the job?"
"It will be taken care of." Viper reassured. "I suggest you worry about those soldiers and their mutant wards."
"We'll deal with them! Just do what we hired you to do!" Cobra Commander snapped, cutting off the transmission, leaving Viper staring at the blank screen. The Commander then sighed. "Where's my coffee?"
Another member of Serpent Solutions stood next to the former ad man, this one dressed in an orange and pale purple costume with a long orange cape and a webbed ruff. This one was called Sidewinder. Said member crossed his arms. "Well..." Viper looked at Sidewinder. "That just happened."
"I think he's insane." Sidewinder remarked.
"All we have to do is just get this job done and over with it." Viper explained.
"The money had better be worth it."
"Oh, it will." Viper smiled underneath his mask. He threw his arm across Sidewinder's shoulders, an oily grin under his mask. "Trust me, pal. When you see the dinero rolling in, you are going to be wondering why you ever doubted me."
"It had better, Viper." Sidewinder brushed the arm off him and walked away. Viper smirked.
"Sidewinder, my friend...You worry too much."
Uh oh! Looks like our merry Misfits are in big trouble! What job does Serpent Solutions have? Can our heroes stop it? And will Cobra Commander get his coffee? Find out in Part 3 of: The Misfits v The Viper!