Chapter 2

Castle slowly drifted away from sleep quietly grumbling to himself as he usually did. Blinking his eyes open, he took note that the bedroom was dim, but growing progressively lighter, which given the time of year probably meant it was not yet six a.m. In other words: too early for a mystery writer to be awake. On that particular morning, however, he did manage to recall that he was not alone in bed, which made him hesitant to simply shut his eyes and attempt to fall back to sleep.

Rolling over onto his back, Castle turned his head towards the other side of the bed to check on his companion. He had hoped she was still asleep, but instead found her lying on her back with her hands folded across her stomach, her eyes clearly open. He yawned and scratched the fingers of one hand through his scalp before propping himself up on his elbow and asking, "You sleep at all?"

She turned her head towards him. "A bit, I think. I…I don't even know. I…I'm such a mess, Rick."

As she brought her hands up to rub over her face, he reached out and gave her bicep a gentle squeeze. "Not even close to a mess."

"No. I am, I am," she confessed, the sound of emotions heavy in her voice. "I woke up in the middle of the night and I thought I was back there—at my parents'…but then I realized I wasn't and that she was gone and it hit me all over again and I… I know we knew it was coming but I just can't believe she's not here anymore."

When she covered her face once more, he continued to caress her bicep and leaned over to press a kiss on the edge of her shoulder. "I know, I know."

She sniffled for a minute before pulling a few tissues out of the box on the nightstand and dabbing them over her cheeks and eyes. While she collected herself, Rick pushed himself upright so that he sat on his hip with his shoulder braced against the headboard. He waited patiently, not wanting to interrupt her, but waiting for his moment to assure her that once again he was there for her for whatever she needed.

Kate placed her used tissues on the nightstand pile with the others and then turned to him with the slightest of smiles. "Thanks for last night; I really appreciate it. I didn't want to be alone."

"Of course." He reached out with his left hand and brushed away a teardrop dangling from the edge of her jaw with his knuckles. "If there's anything else I can do to help with the funeral or-"

"No, no." She shook her head. "I think we actually have most of that figured out…we had time, you know?"

His heart broke at her sad little smile. Fighting the urge to gather her in his arms and hold her close for several more hours, he said, "Still, whatever you need—even if it's just a shoulder to lean on."

Her smile grew a bit wider as she mirrored his actions and reached out her right hand to touch his face only instead of brushing away tears, she merely painted her thumb across his jawline while the pads of her fingers landed on his neck, each one seeming to light a fire for she had never touched him with quite that level of tenderness before. Castle swallowed hard as their gazes met and despite the wateriness, he could see relief and adoration in her hazel eyes.

"You're such a good man, Rick; a good friend."

"I…" His thought was lost when her gaze flicked briefly down to his lips. His heart began to race and he began to wonder what moment they were about to embark on when she answered the question by leaning forward and pressing her lips against his. They had never kissed before, but he almost immediately realized that the feeling of her lips against his was completely natural—as though they'd been doing it for years.

"Mmm Kate…" He hummed out when their lips separated. Her fingers remained against his face and she stared at him for the briefest of moments before diving back towards him and kissing him hungrily.

Rick groaned when he felt her tongue glide over the seam of his lips and instinctively he parted them for her. He could hardly think as she pulled her body in closer to his and his hands splayed over her back. God, he wanted her—he had for so long. She felt so good beside him; they were right together—he knew it; he knew they were, but…not then—not in that moment.

"Kate, ah, Kate…" He tried to stop their kisses but she refused to let him and continued to hold his head steady with her right hand. It wasn't until her left delved beneath the bedcovers and landed on his crotch that he was able to jump back and pull her hand away. "Wait, wait, wait," he insisted. She appeared rather stunned and he attempted to think clearly while half of the blood in his brain was already on a one-way trip southward.

"Wait, please, wait," he continued after two heaving breaths. "I'm sorry, but we can't—not like this. I want you, but not…not out of grief; not our first time."

She recoiled back to her side of the bed appearing as though he'd slapped her across the face. "Okay."

"No please—please don't be upset." He reached out for her, but she tucked her body so close to the edge of the mattress he was almost shocked she didn't tumble off.

"I'm not."

Scooting towards her, he continued. "You are, but please don't see this as me rejecting you. I want us—I do. It's just not quite our time. I'll wait—I promise. I've...been waiting."

Kate blinked, then swallowed, and leaned the slightest bit closer to him. "You…have?"

He nodded then took in a deep breath, preparing to reveal the things he'd felt for so long but hadn't quite known how to express especially giving the complexities they'd each separately faced that spring. Timing, as it seemed, had never been on their side. At least, not to that point, but perhaps things were about to change.

"I haven't been with anyone since we met. For a while, I wasn't ready: my divorce, Alexis and I finding our footing again, the meltdown of mother's latest relationship and associated drama…But through all that I knew you were the one I wanted once all the dust settled." Reaching out, he grabbed ahold of one of her hands that rested limply in her lap. "I knew it was you that I wanted, but the timing just wasn't right. Once I was ready, you…well, what you needed most was a friend and so that's what I was—and I have no problem being that man for you, Kate; not in the least. It's not our time yet, but it will be."

He believed that with all of his heart. There was a reason they'd met on that fateful day in San Francisco. There was a reason their private plane had crashed forcing them to work together. There was a reason that all of that happened at the same time as his divorce and Kate's mother's illness; they were meant to find each other.

For over thirty seconds Kate stared at him, her jaw slightly agape. He was actually a bit fearful she wasn't breathing at all until she finally whispered out, "Okay."

"Okay." He echoed. He smiled at her, and scooted back towards his pillow so he could lie down once more. Using their linked hands, he gave her an encouraging tug and thankfully she followed his lead and curled up with her head on his chest and her hand across his belly while he lay on his back. Castle draped an arm over her shoulder and held her close while trying to drift back to sleep. Though he certainly would not have chosen that moment to have a conversation about "them" it had certainly worked out. The way he felt was out in the open now and given how she reacted he believed she felt similarly, which meant they were going to be okay.

Castle wasn't sure how long they dozed together, but it was certainly not long enough in his opinion, for when he felt Kate sliding away from him he remained quite drowsy. "Mm no," he grumbled. "Stay in bed."

"No, I have to go…my dad…"

"Okay." He sighed and reluctantly opened his eyes, watching her as she threw back the covers and moved towards the opposite edge of the bed. Before she could escape entirely he reached out, grabbed a hold of her hand and said, "Hey—call me if you need anything, even if it's just a hug."

She turned back, gave him a small smile, and said, "Okay. Thank you."

He drew his hand back and shut his eyes once more. "Always, Kate; always."

After dressing efficiently and brushing her teeth, Kate snuck out of Rick's bedroom as quietly as she could so as not to disturb his sleep. She rode the elevator down to the lobby, waved good morning to Eduardo the doorman, and then hurried through the still-cool morning air to the nearest subway stop. Only once she was seated in a car moving uptown did she stop to review the morning in her mind and, for the first time in days, thought of someone other than her mother: Rick.

Her first kiss with the man she gladly called a friend had been a life reaffirming moment. Though her heart was still heavy, the sparks she felt from their intertwined lips told her that there would be a future; moving on and finding happiness again would be possible. As the feeling had been so unexpected and relieving, she tried to cling onto it desperately by attempting to initiate more intimate activities, but she was glad he had the sense to stop them. He was entirely right; their first time could not be born out of grief.

First time.

The words danced in her head and tugged the corners of her lips upwards. First time implied there would be more than one—perhaps even a lifetime. The notion made her smile even wider—so much so that she almost felt guilty. Whether it was irrational or not, thinking of such happy things barely twelve hours after her mother passed felt wrong, but at the same time she didn't want to let go of a feeling that made her feel like she was flying when she knew she'd face many crushing realities in the coming days.

Thinking back on their time together over the prior half year, Kate realized that her feelings for Rick had brewed inside her heart for quite some time before finally breaking the surface. She had never thought of him as more than a good friend until she was staring at her mother's doctor as he said, "I don't know if there's anything more that can be done," and her first thought had been of Rick. He'll make it okay, he'll make it better; I just have to see Rick, she had thought as she pushed her way out of the office that afternoon. As he held her in his arms a few hours later she realized just how desperately she needed him, how much she cared for him. She couldn't explain those feelings, especially since they'd come on so strongly without them really having any romantic moments together, but it was perhaps as simple as her mother explained it: he made her happy.

When Kate finally arrived at her destination half an hour later she called out for her father upon entering the apartment. She didn't see him in either the living room or the kitchen, and thought perhaps maybe he was not yet up. Traditionally he was an early riser but she could understand why he might be still in bed if he hadn't slept well the night before; she certainly hadn't.

After dropping her bag on the coffee table she went directly to the kitchen with the mindset to start breakfast, but immediately stalled at the scene waiting for her. On the counter, one liquor bottle was laying on its side, the bottle neck dangling over the edge of the sink. A second bottle sat upright, though it was visibly empty. Beside both was a glass tumbler with a scant amount of amber liquid remaining in the bottom.

Trapping her bottom lip with her teeth, Kate considered these clues. Though she was not intimately familiar with her parent's liquor supply, it hadn't been terribly long since she'd opened the appropriate cabinet and she did not remember any bottles being nearly empty. Then again, she had taken note of her father's increased liquor consumption over the prior month so perhaps he'd merely had a drink or two before bed and finished the bottles without consuming to excess. Maybe.

As Kate gathered up the bottles with the intent to take them to the building's recycling area, she made a mental note to keep an eye on her father's drinking. If he needed to have an extra couple drinks to take the edge off the pain in his heart over the next few days that was one thing. Hell, she planned on doing the same. If, however, that pattern continued and degraded into him taking down a bottle or more in a week…well, she'd cross that bridge if she needed to.

"Oh, good, you're up," Kate said a few minutes later when she returned to find her father standing at the entrance of the kitchen. When he turned to face her she almost gasped, for her looked like he'd aged a full year overnight. She didn't even bother asking if he'd slept and instead just moved on to, "I was just about to make breakfast—you're hungry right?"

Jim merely grumbled in response and walked over to where the coffee maker sat on the counter.

Oh—coffee! Kate mentally cursed herself for not putting on a pot to brew the moment she walked through the door. Then again, beginning her day by kissing Rick had done a far better job of waking her up than caffeine ever could have—not that she didn't also want the coffee. She would never say no to coffee.

After her father took a seat at the table, Kate pulled open the refrigerator to see what could be used to make breakfast. Unfortunately, there wasn't much other than condiments, eggs and a little bit of cheese. As she intended to use the last two items for their meal, she knew grocery shopping would be imminent. Typically, shopping for food was one of her least favorite chores, which was why her diet consisted largely of takeout—unless she was dining with the Castles, which happened at least once a week—but she believed something as ordinary and monotonous as grocery shopping would be good for them; it would be a healthy way to take their mind off things even if just for an hour.

"I'm going to call the funeral home as soon as it opens," Kate informed her father as she cracked their six eggs into a skillet by the stove. "They'll probably be able to fit us in this afternoon to finalize everything. Then once we have the date and time for the funeral, we can start letting people know."

"Oh, I…I…"

Kate glanced over at her father as he stammered. He seemed to be coming out of his early morning trance, for he pushed himself out of his seat and moved towards her more swiftly than he had previously.

"No, Katie—I can do that. You…you don't have to do any of the notifications."

She gave a little shrug. "But I don't mind—I'm here to help." Helping was what she had always planned on doing—right from the beginning of the end.

When Kate began interviewing at law firms in New York she mentioned the need for a flexible work schedule due to an ill parent as one of her job requirements. Some firms were uninterested in providing this, but ultimately Kate took a job at a firm with a boss who seemed quite sympathetic to her situation. As her mother's health began to decline she did her best to maintain a consistent work schedule while also going to doctor appointments with her mother as needed. Finally, when they had reached the point where there was nothing more that could medically be done for her mother, she'd gone to her boss and informed him of this along with requesting time off to spend time with her mother on her final days. Normally, Kate would have never revealed something so tragic and personal to a near stranger, but given the circumstance it was virtually impossible not to. Much to her relief, her boss was completely sympathetic and told her to take as much time off as she needed and they would figure out how to handle her work make-up schedule after she returned.

As it was Wednesday, Kate hoped her mother's funeral would be over the weekend and she would be back at work by Monday or Tuesday of the following week, but she didn't want to rush herself. The most important thing for her right then was making sure her father would be all right. Work was definitely much further down on her list of concerns.

Once their eggs were cooked and topped with cheese, Kate plated each of their meals and joined her father at the table. They ate largely in silence as Kate mentally reviewed all the things they needed to get done in order to prepare for her mother's funeral. They were certainly well on their way to being organized, but a lot remained to be done.

Since Johanna had known her illness was terminal for several months, she had taken it upon herself to plan what she wanted for her funeral and memorial. Unbeknownst to her husband and daughter, she met with a funeral home and settled most of the arrangements, only telling her family after the fact. Naturally, Jim and Kate were slightly upset to hear this, but she pragmatically brushed off their concerns saying that now they didn't have to worry about what she wanted—or burden themselves with the task of conveying the information when the time came.

Though at the time she had been perturbed to be excluded from such conversations, Kate found herself very glad for her mother's actions the morning after her death. They didn't have to worry about what outfit Johanna wore during the viewing; that had already been chosen. They didn't have to agonize over burial or cremation, for Johanna had already chosen the latter along with the urn her ashes would be stored in. They didn't even have to choose the flowers, though they did need ordered from the list Johanna provided. Kate was sure some decisions still needed made, but it was a relief to know that list would be short and hopefully be decided upon easily.

"Okay, well they can't see us until two," Kate said to her father after ending her call with the funeral home director, "but that's okay. Do you want to go grocery shopping now, or do you want me to help you clean up the bedroom first?"

"No." He responded almost instantly to the last point. "No—I don't want to clean up yet."

Kate nodded in understanding, but also hoped he wouldn't fight her too hard on clean up when it came down to it. Yes, the room would feel unimaginably hollow without Johanna's belongings in it, but she wasn't suggesting they empty out the closet then and there; that was unnecessary. However, there was also no reason for the lot of medical supplies to remain strewed around the room. Clearing those out would help them forget how much Johanna struggled in her last days and help them to remember her by the good times they shared.

"Grocery shopping it is then. Want to jot down a list first or just see what hits us?"

Jim gave a rather tragic shrug. "I don't…I don't feel like cooking much."

"But I can help you," she insisted. "Besides, we need some snacks, some fruit. It's pretty bare in here, Dad."

He gave her a side eye. "Because your refrigerator is always stuffed with fruits and vegetables."

Kate opened her mouth to protest, but she could not as his critique was one hundred perfect on point. Instead, she gave a small smile and said, "I do usually have some apples…or bananas…"

Jim hummed disbelievingly and offered the barest hint of a smile. Though it wasn't much, Kate would take it as a win, and merely waved him along to follow behind her. "C'mon; let's go."

Castle stood in his kitchen that evening gazing intently into the oven to see if his casserole was ready to come out yet. He could see bubbles at the very edges just beginning to percolate, but decided to give it two extra minutes just in case. Despite the fact that he often fought the urge to order take-out or hire an in-home chef to make his life easier, he actually enjoyed cooking for the most part, a trait that often surprised people as they got to know him, Kate included. His desire to cook delicious (and most importantly: nonpoisonous) meals stemmed from the early days of his youth as his mother was decidedly not the best in the kitchen. Once he had Alexis, his devotion to home cooked meals only grew. He actually found the task both relaxing and purposeful as he often had some great ideas for his novels while his mind was blank but for the focus of a knife as he sliced vegetables.

Just as he grabbed his insulated mittens to pull the dish out from the oven he heard a knock at the door and called out, "Mother? Would you mind?"

"Not at all dear!" she responded, affording him the opportunity to make sure dinner made it safely to the counter. Though he was not a huge fan of the fact that his mother was temporarily living with him after the boyfriend she was living with threw her out, he was glad for the extra set of hands—most days.

"Oh, Kate, my darling girl, come here! I am so, so, so terribly sorry about your mother."

"Thank you, Martha."

Castle craned his neck to look at the entryway from where he stood in the kitchen. He smiled softly at the sight of Kate and his mother embracing; he was glad she had decided to join them that evening. When he texted her around lunch to check in, she simply replied that they were meeting with the funeral home at two and she'd talk to him later. He'd replied and invited both she and her father to dinner so they didn't have to worry about that along with everything else, but she hadn't responded for over an hour and even then she only said, "Okay, thanks."

He was anxious to speak with her, particularly with how they left things between them earlier that morning. Even if they hadn't kissed, he would still want to check in with her, as she was one of his best friends and that day surely had to be one of the worst of her entire life.

With the casserole resting, he shed his oven mitts and walked through the kitchen towards the front of the apartment, but quickly came to a halt when he saw that only Kate stood beside his mother, not Kate and her father. His brow wrinkled. "Your dad didn't come?"

She shook her head. "No, he said he would be terrible company tonight."

"We don't care about that!"

"I know, and I told him that, but he still insisted he wanted to stay home. I was going to stay with him, but he told me to come here, so I made him some rice and veggie stir fry….hopefully he eats it," she finished with a rather weak smile.

Without second thought, Castle walked over to her, opened his arms and welcomed her into a soothing hug. He rocked her body back and forth gently for several moments and then placed two kisses atop her head. "Well I'm really glad you're here."

"Me too," she said softly as they broke apart.

When he called out for her, Castle's daughter came hurrying down the stairs and greeted Kate with a hug. The four of them then took seats around the table and began passing around rolls, salad, and the casserole. Castle had intended to keep their conversation light, but of course his mother dove right in almost immediately with, "Do you know when the funeral is yet, dear? Is there anything we can do to help you?"

"Mother," he warned with a glare. "Let her eat first…"

While his mother feigned innocent, Kate brushed off his concern. "No, it's fine; I appreciate the offer, but I really think we're okay. The funeral service will be Friday afternoon with a wake to follow—I'm going to send out all the details tonight to everyone I have contacts for, but…anyway—I don't think we need anything. Mom actually had most of it figured out, already; the funeral home is doing the rest."

"Well you be sure to let us know if there's anything," Martha said.

"We'd be happy to help," Alexis added.

Castle gazed over to see his almost-girlfriend looking at little glassy eyed so he reached out his hand and brushed his fingers over her forearm. "We're here for whatever you need."

Kate looked at each of them in turn and said, "Thank you—you have no idea how much that means. I will definitely let you know if anything comes up."

For the rest of the meal Castle's mother and daughter mostly carried the conversation with Kate remaining largely silent. He couldn't blame her, of course; he was just glad she wasn't alone. She insisted on helping him clear the table after everyone was finished and though he promised she didn't need to help, it did afford them the opportunity to have a moment to themselves in the seclusion of the kitchen. He once again pulled her into a hug, that time kissing her cheek, before asking how she was really doing.

"Surviving," she said honestly. Then she gave a little shrug. "No, I'm doing as good as can be expected. So is Dad…I don't want to leave him alone—I really don't think he should be—but he insists that I go. I'm torn because I don't know if I should just insist upon staying so he's not by himself or leave because I…"

"Can't resist my awesomeness; I understand," he nodded as though what he'd said had been the most serious thing in the world. Fortunately, he succeeded in getting a small smile from her.

"Something like that…"

He smiled, cupped her cheeks with his hands, and pressed a chase kiss on her lips. Though the tingles swirling in his belly urged him to do more, he kept himself in check, knowing it was for the best. He brushed his thumbs lightly against her cheek and asked, "You staying here again tonight?"

She shook her head. "No, no I have to go home and work on some things: send out the notification emails, and such."

"Are you sure? My bed is always available."

A small smile cross her lips when her hands landed at his waist and she gave him a squeeze. "I'll keep that in mind, but I really have a lot I need to get done."

He nodded, though reluctantly. "Well, let me know if I can help you with anything."

She nodded, rose up on her toes, and pressed her lips to his cheek. "Thanks, Rick; I will."