Oh my GOD. I had a review and 8 hits 10 minutes after I posted the first chapter. Ravyn, you have the joy of being the first reviewer and the joy of me loving your email address! I give you PLUSHIES! But don't worry. You other less superior reviewers get plushies too. And don't think that because Ravyn is superior to you means that you are inferior, for you are certainly more superior than those who didn't review. Hehe.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own any characters in this. Everything down to my very soul belongs to Jhonen C. Vasquez. Yay.
Warnie: People... seriously. Cussing, ultra violent, weird.
Review! This time I pass out lil Sickness and Devi plushies!
Oh, and in case there was any misconceptions, Johnny and Devi are not yet on dating level again. Just goodly friends.
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"Hey Squeegee. What're you doing?" The tall blue haired man spoke quietly.
"Oh, um, uh, it's this Scool thing. I'm supposed to bring a friend but Andy was eaten by that weird dog." The pallid wide eyed boy answered an even quieter voice.
"... who're you bringing then?" The man didn't honestly care, but was curious as to what the child would do.
"I found a pinecone on the way to Scool. I'm bringing it since Shmee's arm got ripped on a chair." He looked down sadly.
"A pinecone? I don't know if your teacher will like that."
"P-probably not, but if I just do what she says I'll be okay." He stumbled over his words, scared of his teacher and his neighbor's reaction.
"I could come with you if you want. 'S not like I have anything else to do today." A look of pondering crossed his face. "Well, I kind of need to clean up what's left of that stripey shirted guy... Vargas, was it?"
"Squee! Uh, uh... s-sure, you can come."
"Okie dokie. I'm your friend now." Another crazed smile flitted across the tall man's face.
The Sketti-Os were finally disposed of and Devi sat on a rickety chair in Johnny's kitchen.
"So were were we?" asked Johnny.
"We were staring at one another senselessly."
"Oh."
The both stared at each other for about ten minutes until Johnny frowned. "I'm hungry."
"We can go to the Taco Hell and then go do stuff." Devi suggested.
"Ok! I need to go talk to Squee first."
Johnny stabbed a bird on the way to Todd's house, thoroughly disturbing and confusing Devi.
"Hey Squeegee..." he said quietly, dropping the bird on his windowsill, "Sleep tight, don't let the horrible demons leap from the depths of hell and devour your family before your eyes before turning to you and slowly taking you apart and-"
"Johnny!" hissed Devi.
"Um. G'night Squee."
Johnny and Devi wandered away to the Taco Hell, leaving poor Todd in fear.
SQUEE! I need a dreamcatcher to stop the demons! Wait, no, that's nightmares...
"Shmee, how do I stop demons? ... I can't? Mmm... sometimes I wish Pepito still lived here... I know! I'll call him!"
Johnny and Devi walked down the street when some random dude stepped up to Devi.
"Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit! It's Devi D!"
"Um. No." Devi lied fearfully, "You must be mistaken."
Johnny pretty much looked scared and took a step back. Organs spewing in your face was one thing. What that man said was another.
"No, no, you ARE Devi D! You painted a picture I liked."
"Uh, yeah?"
"Mm-hm. My name is Kyle. There was this totally awesome thing and this donkey eating beans..." the man walked with them all the way to the Taco Hell, talking about a most likely nonexistant painting the entire time.
"Oh, you guys are going to the Taco Hell? Hey! I work here! You said your name was Johnny? Cool, now I can talk to you and Devi more!" he said as Johnny and Devi sat down.
"Nny?" Devi whispered in horror, "I really wouldn't mind if you... maybe... killed him. Just a little bit."
Johnny nodded and said, "Get me some nachos."
"Hey Kyle. There's this, uh, cool thingy outside." Nny mentioned.
"OOH! Show it to me!"
Johnny grabbed a couple of sporks on the way out.
"GAAAH! IT BURNS! GOD NO! GET THAT OUT OF MY EAR! What are you doing with that? Johnny? Um, I don't think that's what a spork is for... SPORK IN MY LUNG! SPORK IN MY LUNG! HRK! Nyeeeh..."the horrendous screams ended as Devi ordered some nachos. No one seemed to notice the brutal murder that had occured just outside.
Johnny walked back in and sat down casually. His shoes and hands were coated in blood, but Devi, Nny, and everyone else ignored the fact.
"I like nachos." said Devi happily crunching on a chip.
"Me too."
Somewhere far away, Pepito's phone rang. His caller ID announced the that Todd was calling him.
He picked up the reciever.
"Uh, Pepito, Johnny say that demons are gonna jump up and eat me and mommy and daddy."
"Hmph. Your neighbor LIES! No demons will eat you Todd."
"Oh. Ok. Thanks."
"SO. Wanna join the legions of Hell?"
"Not really..."
"I'll let the demons eat you if you don't."
"Hm." Join the legions of Hell... or be eaten. Decisions, decisions.
"I guess I could join the legions of Hell. What do I have to do?"
"You just get a few Hell powers, a robe, a scythe... you don't actually have to do bad things. Just look scary on Saturdays and the occasional soul retrieval duty."
"Really? I could've done this a while ago."
"Let me go tell Father."
"'K."
A few minutes later, Senor (A/N: Sorry, WordPad doesn't let me add the accent mark over the 'n'.) Diablo, otherwise known as Satan, was on the phone.
"Mr. Satan, sir? Can I join the legions of Hell?"
"Sure you can! One second."
A moment later, Todd was floating in his room in a black robe. A creepy red aura surrounded him and he held a scythe in his hands.
"Welcome to the legions of Hell, Todd. You'll find your official card in your pocket."
"Thanks Mr. Satan. Tell Pepito thanks for me as well."
"Your welcome Todd, I will. Talk to you later. Bye."
"Bye."
Todd hung up.
"Shmee. What have I done?"
He looked down at the scythe in his hands. It was shiny. He then hung it on his wall and floated back to bed.
Johnny paid for the nachos and the pair walked out the door.
The two of them passed a movie theater.
"Oh, look. 'Dust 2: Vacuum's Revenge' is on." Devi said boredly.
"Who could make a movie about something so mundane?" Johnny muttered.
"The same creator of 'When TV Remotes Strike Back'."
"That movie wasn't too bad. I doubt that shoving a remote into someone's naval will kill them, though. Not from experience of course." I used a manga, not a remote.
"Uh. Sure. Did you see the movie about the crippled guy who had carrots for legs? And he ended up eating them? That one was bad."
"Yeh. It was called 'Carrot Nub'. Horrible."
"Listen to those wacky goth kids. No respect for good movies..." whispered one teen to another.
The two stopped instantly.
"Did you say wacky?" Johnny growled.
"Did you call people older than you kids?" Devi wondered.
"Uh. Yes and yes."
"Why?" Devi and Nny said simultaneously.
"I said wacky 'cause that word is awesome, yo fo shizzle shit fuck daaaamn." said the first teen. Who was white.
"I dunno why he called you guys kids. And Carrot Nub was a sucky movie." said his relatively sane black 'friend', who was actually just a random black guy named 'Mr. Moot' standing near him.
"Totally wacky of me.W-w-w-w-WACKY." said Mr. White.
Johnny twitched psychotically.
"Uh, Johnny? You okay?" Devi asked.
"I. HATE. THAT. WORD."
Devi recalled Squee's speech. ... those who ridicule him or say 'wacky' NEED to die. I don't know what he was talking about with the 'wacky' thing.
"Er. Johnny, let's go."
"Yeh, wackeh man! Go, yo!"
"I'm leaving." said Moot.
Johnny glared at the white teen.
"Johnny. Let's GO."
"Hehe, your girlfriend bossing you around?"
Let's for a moment pretend that Johnny's mind is a piece of rope. A tattered old rope made of loosely woven strands, and was held together by a single string. The string broke and the boy was dead.
"... You know I would never do that to you." Johnny said after about 5 minutes of stunned silence.
Devi nodded. The pair wandered about until finding themselves sitting on a very familiar cliff.
Far away, Squee floated out of bed, changed into normal clothes, and floated off to Scool.
"Hey SQUEAK. Whatcha doing?"
"Uh, going to Scool."
"HAH. Scool is for losers!"
"Then where are YOU going?" Todd asked.
"Scool. Anyway, I'm going to beat you up."
"... why?"
"I have no clue."
The random bully advanced on him, but suddenly Squee's hand shot out and melted his face off.
Squee stared at the burning skull on the ground then at his still glowing hand.
"Uh... that's... th-that's handy." He stuttered.
Then he continued his float to Scool.
Johnny and Devi sat peacefully, watching the sun rise.
You know it wont last long. whispered Eff in his ear when two people appeared behind them.
End it now, Johnny. grinned D-Boy.
No, no, Johnny, you know for a fact that you love Devi. Make her love YOU. snarled MEAT.
Johnny! Just be nice to her, she's your friend! Nailbunny squeeked.
"Hey! This is OUR cliff! Stop sitting all over it!" said the fifteen year old boy who seemed to be a blonde jock.
The girl next to him looked confused.
"Um. No." said Johnny and continued his sunrise watching.
"Tim, we should leave them alone." said the girl intelligently.
"No way, Cass, we ain't leaving this hill.
"Oh, come on. It's not like we OWN the hill."
"Or do we?" Twighlight Zone music played in the background.
"No. We don't." The music stopped abruptly.
"But CASS, I wanted this morning to be special!"
"... alright. Ask them nicely."
"Hey! Yeh, you, kissy people! Could you please leave? I want to spend time with my girlfriend."
Johnny glared. "Maybe I want to spend time with mine! And I do. So get lost."
Devi blushed. Uh, I'm not your girlfriend, Johnny...
"Too bad! Get off the cliff!"
"Look kid. I finally have someone who will talk to me, let alone sit on a cliff with me, and I DON'T WANT MENTALLY ILL LOVESICK HI-SCOOL STUDENTS RUINING IT! GO AWAY!" Johnny screeched psychotically.
"No." defied Tim.
The following action is obvious. It involves Tim suddenly having a lack of air and a knife in his gut. Who can guess what happened? That's right. Johnny leapt up to strangle the knave whilst causing him a ruptured spleen.
Cass could only watch in horror as Tim was brutally beaten by a thin man. She backed away slowly, and finally turned to run back to the city.
"Hi there." Before Cass stood an adorable little boy. "Are you ok?"
"Oh my goodness, little boy. You'll never believe what I just saw..."
The boy looked rather thoughtful for a moment. "Um. I actually think that I will."
Tears started to well up in her eyes. "I was dating this guy and-"
"Did he try to kill you?"
"No. This guy and his friend killed HIM."
"Oh. Sorry, no counseling help for that one. ... eh, would that guy happened to be named Johnny? And his friend Devi?"
"Yeah. I think so." she sniffed.
"Oh. They do that sometimes."
"Kill people?"
"No, that's just Johnny. They both lose their temper. What was goin' on?"
"They were sitting on the cliff and then... and then..."
I guess I missed something. "Well, there's nothing you can do about it. Sorry, I guess. I have to get to Scool."
The little boy floated past her.
Upon seeing this, Cass suffered severe trauma and died.
Todd blinked and kept floating.
"Johnny." Devi said.
"Devi..."
"No, no, it's ok. I just realized that it seems as though jerks are attracted to you."
"I noticed." he smiled slightly.
"... I don't hate you for killing people, you know. I guess I was wrong before, since really... you only kill people who shouldn't be here." Devi could feel her morals twisting and bending as she spoke. If she hung out with Johnny they probably would be up for a beating.
Johnny nodded. "I only killed one person who didn't deserve to die... and failed at killing one. Edgar Vargas and... a-and me..."
"What? That is NOT true, Johnny!" He thinks he deserves to die? Well, I guess he IS crazy.
"Which one?"
"You DON'T deserve to die! You're the sweetest guy I know!"
"..." Johnny looked down at the bloodied toe of his boot doubtingly.
"Seriously Johnny. You're not exactly the most civil, but I'm pretty sure that any other guy probably would've tried to grope me or something while sitting on this cliff."
"..." He nodded.
"So you agree? You don't deserve to die?"
"... I guess. Not like I can anyway."
"What are you talking about?"
He passed out from not sleeping for 73 days.
"Fine, I'll just carry you back home..."
It was a long road to Johnny's house, but Johnny was very light.
Later, Johnny woke up on the musty mattress from chapter one.
Wh-where am I? ... FUCK. I fell asleep!
Curled up behind him was no other than Devi D.
What in the hell is going on? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON! Meh. I need a Brainfreezy.
Lucky for him, Devi had thought of that. On the floor was a SUCK! cup full of cherry Brainfreezy.
Johnny grinned and walked upstairs with the freezy. The icy stuff destroyed his rage.
THEN THE DOORBELL RANG. Screamed. Whatever.
"Excuuuse me sir, but I couldn't help but notice you are living in this house which is not owned. Technically... this is government property. Us in Government Land want this chunk o' dirt crap for a new mini mall."
"ARE YOU SAYING THAT- wait, a mini mall wouldn't fit here."
"Or wooouuuld it?" The Twilight Zone music started up again.
"WOULD YOU CUT THAT OUT!" Johnny screamed at the sky before returning to the government man (the music stopped). "No. It would NOT."
"... oh, fine. It's actually so we can kick you out of your house and give it to the Umbrella Corporation. They want to build this 'Hive' thing and this land is perfect for it."
Johnny had a memory lapse.
"Why the FUCK ARE YOU ON MY LAWN!" The government man was soon incapacitated. "Wait, yeah, he was the government dude... Oh well." He dragged the unconsience body into his basement.
Squee, walking home from Scool, could only stare in horror as the government man was taken away.
Devi awoke slowly, hearing muted screeching from the depths of the house. Devi had seen Johnny kill... but had never ever been in the basement any farther than the room with the mattress in it.
"Nny?" she called, picking up a conveniently placed flashlight. "Geez, how does he navigate this place... so dark..."
She stepped into the hallway. It suddenly looked darker than ever, bones hanging from various devices on the walls, her shoes sloshing through the occasional puddle of a coppery substance.
The screams grew louder as she stumbled through the labyrinth of tunnels.
"Miss..." came a weak voice, "Could you get me out... of this box? They're sleeping now, but not for long."
Devi sent the beam of her light to a box. A small box, obviously with a person stuffed inside.
"Um. Who's there?"
"I made fun of this guy and he stuffed me in a box full of rabid rats. I'm lucky to be alive, but the darkness... it's closing in and... a-and the squeaking! The horrible squeaking!" This woke the rats in the box, who continued their job of devouring the man.
"NO! NOOO! HOLY LORD, THEY'RE IN MY CHEST CAVITY! OH JESUS, IT'S EATING MY HEART!" A disturbing gurgling sound was heard, followed by a dark puddle of blood forming around the box.
She held back the urge to vomit and continued walking, though now ignoring the occasional pleas.
"Do you understand?" she could hear what was obviously Johnny's voice around a cracked corner. "No one is taking my house. I really doubt I can find another house quite like it. By the look on your face you agree. That's alright. You won't need to look for property any longer." Johnny laughed hoarsely as a sick crunching noise rang out, most likely a broken bone.
"I'm sorry, did I hurt you? Quite sorry. I know that dying isn't exactly the most enjoyable experience, I know. I vaguely recall having my head blasted open. Well, that is if it wasn't some disturbing dream. If you go to heaven then you can have head 'splody like I did, and if you go to hell you can get one of their crappy bagels and live in eternal torment. Besides, once I'M done with you, you'll think eternal torment is wonderful. Hell isn't that bad, Mr. Government Man, just a bit uncomfortable and filled with jerks. And bagels."
Another crunching noise resounded grossly throughout the basement.
"Well, since you've lost the ability to move and limbs and as I have succesfully removed your voicebox, I guess I can untie you. And take the duct-tape off."
Oh my gosh! Devi panicked. Ok, ok, maybe I can save him! No, Johnny broke ALL OF HIS BONES and got rid of his voice box somehow... maybe I can just make him kill him faster.
"Uh, Nny? You in here?"
"Yup. This guy showed up on my lawn wanting to kick me out of my house. Thanks for the freezy by the way."
The man, strapped to a gurney, twitched. You could see all his innards working since he had no skin.
"Can't you just... kill him?"
"Why?"
"Well... he's just sitting there. Bleeding to death. Why not just stab him?"
"... fine, fine. I understand. But I won't stab him."
He dumped acid onto the the man's still pumping heart without warning. He attempted to scream, but ended up with foam and blood erupting from his mouth and all over his face.
"OH MY GAWD!" screeched Devi, jumping backward.
The man basically appeared to have a seizure while he melted. ON THE INSIDE.
The acid burned through his body and made a hole in the gurney. All of his organs fell through this hole and writhed in the acid. The man was dead.
"Aw... I liked that gurney."
Devi on the other hand was freaking out for obvious reasons.
Outside, Todd Casil could hear the psychotic shrieks of Devi.
Ooh, I hope she's okay...
He quickly descended the stairs out of worry and followed the sound of her screams, managing not to notice the horrendous things strewn about.
Then Squee walked in.
"Um, Mr. Scary Neighbor Man, I was wondering if- IS THAT A PERSON?!"
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Hehe, this one is GOOD. Way more violent than the first, I hope that doesn't offend anyone. Either way, review for life size Devi and Sickness plushies. The Devi plushie comes with real scowling action and three sets of badly made stuffed doll clothes. The Sickness doll will fit in your backpack and has removable eyes. Now you can pretend to be on the verge of madness, and if you actually ARE on the verge of madness, you can make it more realistic with your very own Sickness doll. Review now and you will receive a limited edition email! YAY! Kalila teh Mae... is OUT.