DISCLAIMER! All fictional entities in this segment belong to Kazuki Takahashi; I just rent them. Except Sara Scinner and Silpheed; they're mine.

"CHEAP LAUGH"

ACT TWO

Despite the futility that exists in chasing after a moving truck, Zane rushed after it anyhow, with Sara hopping behind him, calling "Whoa, hey, hey, whoa! Where're we going?"

Unfortunately, the driver must've seen Zane's leathery image in his mirror, feared for his life, and stepped on the gas, because the truck rolled faster and faster until it made that sharp turn around the curb and disappeared into the river of automobiles, leaving the two trapped in a cloud of fumes.

"Aw, man! Just when the pepper spray was clearing up!" coughed Sara. Zane said nothing; he stood there and watched his only way to free himself speed away. That, and no sooner had he braked, he felt that dreadful twinge in his chest, like someone was jack hammering his heart from the inside. Taking a sharp inhale, he clutched his chest and winced. Having suffered from this twinge for a while now, one would think that he'd have gotten used to it. But no one can ever get used to chest pain, not even a tough old bird like him.

Meanwhile, the fumes cleared, and Sara took a deep, relieved inhale. "Ah, fresh air! How sweet you are when you greet my airways! Huh? Hey, what's the matter, Zane? You look constipated."

"I'm…not…constipated," he grunted through clenched teeth.

"Then how come you're grinding your teeth like that? And how come you're grabbing your chest?"

Miraculously, the pain began to subside. He exhaled lightly, releasing his chest. "That's none of your business."

Sara raised an eyebrow. "My grandpa used to be constipated, I mean royally constipated, so constipated that you'd have probably thought that he polished off a couple of those blocks from Stonehenge. He'd be in the bathroom, squealing as if he was in labor. I actually thought that I'd have to jump in there and help deliver my new, brown baby uncle…or aunt. That'd be kind of weird, don't you think? Having to change your aunt or uncle's diaper?

"Eventually, we took him to the hospital, where they stuck this long camera-thingy up his hoo-hoo, and found a polyp in his colon, the size of a mango."

She scratched her head, as if trying to recollect her memories. She did this with the hand that was cuffed to Zane's, resulting in his fingers brushing against her greasy brown hair. He cringed.

"As a matter of fact, the thing wasn't a polyp, at all. It was a mango! And to this day, Grandpa still denies any knowledge of how that big, juicy fruit got in his muffler and not in his gas tank. Did you do that, Zane? Did you stick a mango up your muffler?"

…I should think not. And if you're trying to be funny again, it's not working.

Sara shook her head. "Poor guy, his mind seems to be whizzing away, as of late. Like his ability to control his bladder." She folded her arms, which resulted in Zane's hand getting pulled over to her chest. AWK-ward!

Zane sucked in his cheeks. He'd never gotten into this kind of contact with a girl in his life. No, not even when he used to hang out with his old lighthouse mate, Alexis Rhodes. If one tried to ask about this, he'd adamantly deny it. It took practically all the self-control he had not to blush as he yanked his wrist back, taking Sara's along with it.

Overhead, Silpheed fluttered, squawking, "RAWK! Pervert, pervert!"

"Put your money where your beak is, you cocky cockatoo!" called Sara.

"Will you quit doing that?"

"Doing what?"

"Crossing your arms and whatnot. In case you've been brain-dead for the last two minutes, we're stuck together. Thanks to you, I may add."

"Okay, okay, don't get your leather in a twist. I'll get us loose…if you promise that you'll duel me."

What could he say? What if he keeled over in the duel? Judging by the girl's appearance, he could safely assume that she wasn't a worthy last opponent. On the other hand, if he refused, he'd be cuffed to her for an unbearably long time, if not forever. His mind would be subjected to torture from an endless whip of lame jokes in a vain attempt to get a cheap laugh out of him. And as much as he liked bondage, he could certainly do without this kind!

He considered promising to duel her, then making a run for it as soon as he broke free.

Wait…he couldn't do that. He'd never stoop down to the level of a liar. If he made a promise, he made sure to keep it, which was why he usually refrained from making commitments in the first place.

Or what if he did decide to duel her, but muster enough nerve to not put as much effort into it? She looked flimsy enough to kill in one move, two, at best.

Zane couldn't be classified as the quickest thinker, but when it came to sharp and logical thinking, he was a pro! Slow-thinkers usually have that advantage.

"…All right, fine. I'll duel you, after you unlock these cuffs."

Glad to have received an answer after three minutes, Sara grinned. "Awesome-nity! Now, allow me to think of a solution!" She crammed her tongue into her left cheek for three seconds.

"Silpheed!"

"RAWK!"

She pointed down the street. "This road's got traffic lights that're real slow, like they're painted red! See if you can find that truck and get the key!"

The bird made a face. "RAAAWK, do I hafta?"

"Would you do it for a Silpheed Snack?"

Silpheed fluffed up his crest excitedly. "RAWK! TWO Silpheed Snacks?"

"Sure, why not? In fact, how's about I sweeten the deal with THREE?"

That was enough for Silpheed to squawk like a rooster at sunrise and shoot down the street like a white bullet, leaving behind a trail of loose feathers.

"A Silpheed Snack?"

"Yep!" She pulled out a zip-loc bag filled with dried banana slices. "When my feathered friend is being stubborn, I can coax him into doing anything with these babies! He eats these up like I eat up candy! If you ever saw me with candy, you'd know what I mean."

"Uh-huh. And you think he's going to get that key back, girl?"

"Ahem, believe it or not, I've got a name. It's Scinner, Sara Scinner. Remember that when you see my face in the laughing limelight!"

"…The laughing limelight?"

"Yeah! I'm a stand-up duelist! Y'know, the guys that make people laugh while dueling? That's what I am! Or at least, what I'm training to be."

That's a pretty useless profession, thought Zane. But at least I won't have to see you in my league when you graduate.

"Riiiight. So, how do we know that your bird's coming back with the key?"

"He'll do it! He may be kind of perverted and easily distracted, but he's still a smart boy! With the proper motivation, of course. He should be back in a freckle past a hair!"

"A freckle past a hair" melted into five minutes, then fifteen, then fifty and beyond. The two waited by the far right side of the building; it'd been Zane's idea, as he didn't want people seeing him with a girl and getting the wrong idea.

Zane peeked into the clear azure skies. "Hey, Shiner?"

"Scinner."

"Whatever. I don't think your bird's coming back."

"Well, he ain't Sonic! You can't expect him to travel at the speed of sound."

"But we've sat here for an hour and a half. I suspect that he's gotten lost."

Sara shook her head. "He hasn't gotten lost before. Maybe he stopped to hit on another pigeon?"

He fought off the increasingly strong urge to slap himself in the face. There was no way that he'd sit here until night fell. He was scheduled for an Underground duel, later that night. It's needless to verbalize just how bad it'd be if he showed up with a schoolgirl cuffed to his wrist.

"All right, that's it. I'm through waiting on that brainless birdbrain."

"Now how can he be brainless if he's a birdbrain, Sunshine?"

He glared at her with the ferocity of a dragon. Even though she probably wouldn't listen, he hissed, "Stop calling me that."

"Calling you what?"

"Stop calling me Sunshine! The name…is Zane…Truesdale!"

Sara smirked. "Well, why didn't you say so…Ziti!" She punctuated the joke by rapping her knuckles against the wall: ta-tap, RAP!

"…Ziti?"

"Yeah! 'Cause your initials are Z. and T.! Z and T spells ziti!" she chortled, bending over and slapping her knees like she'd just cracked the cleverest joke in the world. Zane, on the other hand, couldn't decide which was worse: being nicknamed "Sunshine," or being nicknamed after an Italian casserole. He never liked nicknames in general.

She's lucky that I don't kill her where she stands. Ugh, now just stay calm, Truesdale. This'll be all over, soon enough.

He waited for Sara to catch her breath and wipe the tears out of her eyes. "Right. So, where'd you buy these handcuffs?"

"From a joke shop," she replied, still trembling with residual laughter. "Not my regular one, though. One day, my regular shop was closed on account of Zoey was out with a bad appendix. So, I found this new shop, and lemme tell you, their gags are something else! Why d'you ask?"

He was going to suggest buying another pair of cuffs of the same brand so they'd use the key to unlock theirs, but he got an awful twinge in his chest, just from hearing the words "joke shop." He wouldn't be caught dead in a joke shop.

Unfortunately, Sara seemed to pick up on the idea before it was even spoken, because immediately, she lit up. "Ohhh, I get it! Nice thinkin', Ziti! I remember just where it is, too! We could even try finding Silpheed!" She sprung up and began trotting out for the street, except Zane didn't move a muscle, so she just trotted in place.

It took her ten seconds to figure out that she wasn't going anywhere. "That's weird! I'm walking as fast as I can, but I ain't going anywhere! Ziti?"

He didn't know whether to tell her to stop calling him "Ziti," lest she'd go back to "Sunshine," or worse. Nevertheless, he stated, "I'm not going in a joke shop."

"…Why?"

"Because I don't want to."

"Why?"

"Because they're unnecessary."

"Why?"

"Because they're stupid and pointless."

"Why?"

"Because they're for half-witted dolts who don't have a life. And cut it out with the fucking whys."

Sara pouted. "Oh, we comedians don't have lives, huh? Well, we may not have lives, Cap'n Ziti Sunshine, but at least we aren't miserable for twenty-four-seven!"

"You can't win at life by being a skippy, happy-go-lucky dipstick, all the time. Pain is the substance of life, the greatest friend and teacher you can ask for." He muttered the last sentence with his free hand over his chest.

"I beg to differ! Pain is like a bad duel: for every turn that you're sad and angry, you lose 500 Points' worth of happiness. And that's not even a joke! That's called Philly cheese!"

Zane rolled his eyes. "Don't you mean philosophy?" He wished he hadn't said anything, because all this arguing flicked away what precious daylight they had left.

For perhaps the first time all day, Sara fell silent. She put her free hand behind her head and grinned sheepishly. "D'oh, philosophy, Philly cheese, what's the difference? So, you tagging along or not?"

She crammed her tongue into her left cheek. "On the other hand…if you're that insecure about what the people think of where you go, then we could put on a disguise!" She whirled around and started pulling something out of her jacket; she kept all her tools in her jacket, since her uniform had no pockets. Naturally, she yanked Zane over to her side, much to his discomfort. He shut his eyes so he wouldn't have to see anything.

"No comedian is complete without her kit!" she exclaimed, holding out a baby-blue wool shawl and a powdery grey wig. "I'll dress up like an old lady, and you can pretend you're helping me do errands! And this shawl can cover up the handcuffs!"

Zane went stony-faced at that idea. He may not hate people, but it wasn't like him to help old ladies across the street; going into a joke shop was bad enough. If an old lady had to get to the sewing store, they could ask Phoenix to help them.

"Pretend I'm your grandma. Even bad guys are nice to their grandmas, right?"

Silence.

"Okay, smarty-pants, YOU put on the disguise! Then no one will know it's you! Besides, you look old enough to pass off as an old lady!"

"No."

"Excuse me, but do you want to get the key, or not? You WILL put this on!"

"No."

"Yes!"

"No."

"Yes!"

"No."

"No!"

"Yes. Wait a minute…"

"HA! I pulled a Bugs Bunny on you!" To pull a trick like that on Zane, and to succeed, was not impossible, just incredibly and excruciatingly rare. If he hadn't thought about what would happen if he lugged a dead girl around the town, he would've strangled her at the moment she slapped the itchy, matted wig on his head.

So the reluctant pair marched side by side down the street, with Zane wrapped in the shawl and wig. The costume even came with a pair of giant novelty glasses with dark lenses, so at least no one would be able to identify him. Nevertheless, he felt like an idiot, almost as idiotic as he felt when Phoenix had defeated him.

It didn't exactly help that every forty seconds, Sara would bellow out on her kazoo, attempting to find Silpheed. To Zane, it was like rusty nails scratching on the chalkboards that were his eardrums. And strangers turning their heads to see what the matter was…humiliation! Despite this, he tried to keep his head up and keep on his tunnel vision glasses behind the novelty ones, vaguely believing in the back of his mind that maybe, if he could ignore her long enough, she'd go away and all of this would have never happened.

ZOOOOOOO! "Silpheed-Doo, where are you? Did you find our key?"

ZOOOOOOO! "Mister, if I catch you hitting on another pretty bird, no more Silpheed Snacks for you!"

ZOOOOOOO! "Silpheed, I—am really thirsty. Looking for keys is thirsty work, ain't it, 'Grandma'?" Sara winked.

Zane rolled his eyes, but remained silent.

"Look! That stand over there's selling fruit smoothies dirt cheap! Got any loose change on ya? I'm as broke as my mother's hump!"

Zane snorted and looked the other way. Why should he lend change for a lousy smoothie?

"Come ON! I'll take it to go, so we can keep going! And I'll share!"

Oh, sure. You can have my loose change. Over my dead, depleted—

"Thank you, have a nice day!"

"Thank you, keep smiling!" Before he realized it, Zane and Sara were outside the stand, as she received her treat in a moist, clear plastic cup and fat green straw.

"Thanks for the money, Ziti!"

"But I didn't give you any…"

He patted his pants to see if she'd—

Yep. She'd swiped his wallet, and was in the process of handing it back to him. "Here you go!"

It was one thing to be stuck with a silly schoolgirl, but with a pickpocket? He slipped his wallet into his other pocket, but not before preening through its leathery folds. "Did you take anything else out of here?"

"Of course, I didn't! I'm a comedian, not a crook! I'll pay you back as soon as I can, promise!" She took an eager slurp of her icy banana, strawberry and pineapple concoction. "Unless, you count the knowledge that your middle name is Sheldon, because I took that, too."

He cupped his free hand over her mouth. Oh, the many years he spent trying to keep that a secret! But then, maybe a threat would save the day? "You tell anyone about my middle name…and I will hunt you down and kill you, with my bare hands." he whispered in his own menacing, spine-chilling way.

Sara gulped, but not in fear. She still had smoothie in her mouth, and it's rather difficult to answer when one's mouth is full.

Gulp! "Oh, relax! Your middle name is nothing to be ashamed of!" she tried to assure him as they continued on their way. "Everyone's got a funny middle name! Y'know what mine is?"

Though Zane did not ask, she stopped, stood on tiptoe, and whispered into his ear:

"…Pecker." Her breath fell cold on his ear lobe, a result from her icy drink. He pushed her back.

"Pecker?" Is that even a name?

"Well, that's my middle name, and I'm proud of it! Mom and Pop say they called me it because I'm their little woodpecker."

More like skull-pecker, if you want my opinion. Someone who's got nothing better to do than to peck at people's heads to drive them crazy.

"And another thing: how come you didn't smile when you got your license? Did you have to get your teeth pulled before then, or what? Me? Heh, I'll be grinning ear to ear when I get my license! If I ever get it, of course. Teachers, how 'bout them? Last time I took my test, by the time I skimmed through the whole course, the proctor melted into a puddle in the shotgun. Then an ambulance took him away. You might say that my driving was heart-stopping!"

She rapped against a telephone pole: tap-tap, RAP!

One corner of his mouth twitched at the two words he really didn't want to hear right now. Wonder why? Because you were too busy cracking lame jokes to pay attention to the road? Or did you freak out and floor it?

SLUUUUUURP!

Sara smacked her lips contentedly. "Ah, nothing like the revitalizing taste of mashed fruit and ice! Here, want a sip?"

He stared at the straw, the drool-coated, germy straw that'd just been in her mouth. She expected him to drink out of that?

"I'll pass." Turning his attention to the streets, he began to notice the shut-up, dilapidated buildings and strangers in trench coats. They seemed to have crossed into the shadier, slummier, not-so-friendly part of the city; strange place to run something as benign as a joke shop.

"Hey, Seether?"

"Scinner."

"Whatever. Are you sure we're going the right way?" This street made him feel odd, but not odd as in fearful and anxious. No, odd as in, had he been down these streets before?

"Yep! Just a couple more blocks, unless if we cut through a couple of alleys to get there faster! Like that one!" She pointed to a path between two buildings and took another slurp.

This looks familiar…but why?

Suddenly, it hit him, like forty-five hundred volts: this was the street where the Underground Circuit nested!

"Oh, shit."

"AAAAAIIIIIEEEEE!"

He almost had another heart attack. "What, what is it?" His wrist was hoisted up to his companion's head.

Sara dropped her smoothie and pranced around like a Dark Rabbit, her hands clutching her temples. "BRAAAAAAIIIIN FREEEEEEEEEZE! MAKE IT STOP, MAKE IT STOP! IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS PRETTY AND WITTY AND GAY, MAKE! IT! STOOOOOOP!"

"Kid, chill out!"

"CHILL OUT?! I'M AS CHILLED OUT AS A NEANDERTHAL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!" With that, Sara shot down the cracked sidewalk, turn sharply, and scrambled in circles in the middle of the road, forcing poor Zane to hold onto his wig and try keeping up. Well, actually, he tried more to pull by the handcuffs, in order to make her stop. It felt like trying to get a horny dog to heel.

Eventually, she did stop, as soon as she quit running in circles and sped down the road, when her run slowed to a jog, then a walk, then a trudge. Panting for air, she swerved for a streetlight and hugged it. At least she hadn't discovered the Circuit. But even if she did, she'd probably be too stupid to recognize it.

"Are you done?" Zane gasped, wiping his sweaty brow with one corner of the shawl. His chest ached again, but it was duller than it had been previously.

"Yeah, I'm good. Sorry about that." As though nothing had happened, she combed her fingers through her tousled hair and grinned. For the second time that day, Zane got to touch her hair. Not that he liked it.

"That's it? You have a full-blown meltdown in the middle of the road, and then you're okay?"

"Ah, no, I did NOT have a meltdown. I had a freezeup! Screaming and running in circles always remedies a freezeup, gets the blood flowing through the head. Is it my fault that freezeups always come to me as severe and sanity-draining? Huh? Huh? Oh, look! I see the joke shop, up ahead!"

Zane glanced in the direction she pointed, and instantly, his already weak heart sank. He didn't see any tiny, gaudy shop with funny faces in the window or however it was that joke shops displayed themselves. What he did see was a medium-sized brick building, with three giant neon red X's on top.

"…Yeah. Hey, Scinner?"

"Hooray, you remembered my last name!"

"Whatever. Just to make sure we're on the same page here…where's the joke shop?"

She clucked her tongue sympathetically. "You really need to get your eyes checked! It's right there, with the giant red X's on it. Like emoticons!"

"O…kay. So, you're telling me that you got these cuffs from that store?"

"Y'know, I may be a little forgetful in some aspects, but I don't forget the shops I go to! It's an innate female instinct."

Her idiocy had reached a new low. At this point, Zane would've rather leprechaun-danced up and down aisles of prank peanut brittle cans and whoopee cushions, than to walk into a sex shop! And with a girl, too! To make it worse, it was a girl he hardly knew, or liked!

"It's got a funny name for a joke shop, Xest." Sara explained, emphasizing the X. "Only it's spelled with three X's instead of one. But as a comedian, I must say, their gags are unlike anything I've ever seen!"

Zane didn't know whether this was an honest mistake, or just another crappy joke, and he also didn't know whether he should point out that "XXXest"was not a joke shop in the least bit. It didn't feel right talking to a girl about anything related to sex, particularly since she had to be at least two years younger than him. On the other hand, shouldn't he say something?

He did not blush, and he did not turn wan. His expression turned flat and blank. And as he went blank, Sara kept tugging him along.

"I didn't just get these cuffs here! I also got a bunch of these gag hot dogs and slipped a couple into some people's buns during lunch. I got sent to the Principal's office for that one, and not only that, but some of the kids called me a sicko. And Sheppard asked these weird questions about where I got the dogs. I kinda had to stretch the truth a little, so he wouldn't know that I'd skipped class. I told him that I found them in the locker room, all by themselves. After that, he had everybody searched."

"I'm not going in there."

"Aw, not this again! Quit acting like a baby, why don't you?"

Zane planted his feet firmly on the concrete and glared forks and knives. If either one of them was acting babyish, that'd be Scinner! "That's not a joke shop, jackass."

"Scinner."

"Whatever! Where's your common sense? Why would anyone put up a joke shop in the middle of the slums, honestly?"

Sara jammed her tongue into her left cheek. "To spruce the place up, a little? To spread a little light for the folks who live in the dark?"

One can only handle so much optimism from his peers, and today Zane had handled much more than his share. He hadn't met anyone this cheerful since Jaden Yuki from school, but even he wasn't this irritating!

He didn't usually take the time to smash people's rose-colored glasses—their wearers are rather difficult to reason with, and therefore, are a waste of time and energy—but either that, or he'd probably wind up smashing her face.

"Didn't they ask if you were eighteen, or something?"

"Actually, they did. I told 'em I was twenty-five." He supposed that the clerk didn't ask for any evidence of this, like an I.D. or something legitimate?

"Yeah, the triple-X is NOT an emoticon. Triple-X is just a nicer way to indicate that you're looking…at a…sex shop." He said this as slowly and calmly as possible, so she'd get it. "If it's got naked mannequins, vibrators, and dirty videos, then it's a sex shop, NOT a joke shop. Oh, and those 'gag hot dogs'? Those are actually…dildos."

A momentary and awkward silence fell between them. Sara had her tongue back in her cheek again, as though contemplating what he'd said. Though judging by her behavior, Zane guessed that she wasn't thinking too hard.

Finally, she shook her head. "Dang, Ziti, I had no idea you were such a pervert." See, this was the reason he didn't talk to people: they always took his words and twisted them out of context.

"Well, I'm not the kid who bought handcuffs and dildos from said store. Forget it, there's no way I'm stepping in there by even a toe." He whirled around and started stomping off in the opposite direction, dragging Sara along with him. The sooner they left the slums, the better. Hopefully, no one from the Underground would see and recognize him.

"But what about the key? Don't you want to get unstuck? Yoo-hoo, Cap'n Ziti Sunshine!"

Suddenly, he stopped. A bulky green truck rumbled up the street, and judging by its stench, Zane guessed that it was a garbage truck. It wasn't likely that this was the same truck from before, but still…

He had an idea. Hastily, he dashed for the nearest streetlight and waited for it to lumber past.

"Uh, hey! What're we doing?"

"Ssssh! I've an idea, just follow my lead."

RRRRRRRRMMM…

Squinting his eyes against the fumes, he leapt out as soon as the truck passed and caught footing on the bumper. Sara, however, still ran on the ground, trying to keep up.

"Woo-hoo, running after a truck! What could be better?" she gasped.

"Swing up here," he hissed, his free hand clutching the grab bar. After thirty seconds of jumping up and down and almost tripping them both up, he gave a sigh, and swung his cuffed arm. Instantly, he hoisted her into the air, while she found her footing behind him. With her free arm, she wrapped around Zane's middle and hugged him tightly. He tensed up under this touch. He wasn't used to getting hugs. When he was hugged, by his mother or Atticus, he wouldn't respond, nor would he resist. He'd just stand there and wait for it to be over.

Though he supposed that they'd be stuck like this for a while.

"Wow! Thanks for that, buddy! I could've winded up like Beavis when Butthead pushed him out of a moving car! Uh-huhuhuh!" Sara's cuffed hand found its way to the top of Zane head, and before he knew it, she was giving him a noogie. It was a light one, but he still didn't appreciate her knuckles in his scalp.

He shook her off his head. "Don't…touch…the hair," he snarled. It was bad enough that they had to be this close to each other until they got to the dump.

"Okay, okay, don't melt down on me. So, where are we going?"

"…Where do you think?"

TO BE CONTINUED…

Special thanks to dear old ChazzyLuverGurl for her beta-reading services! I'd sound like a moron--or in this case, more of a moron--without her guidance!