A Touch and a Smile – Chapter 2: Conversations and Guilt
"Hey, San!"
Santana turned around when she heard the all too familiar voice of her previous best friends. She faced Brittany and looked at her.
"Britt." She said coolly.
Brittany pouted slightly and then bit her lip.
"Can we hang out again? I kind of miss you and tonight Artie and I have nothing planned, so I was wondering if maybe, you and I could do something together. Maybe watch a Disney movie. I love that." She told Santana with a happy smile, as she thought of the movies they could watch.
'Tonight Artie and I have nothing planned'? Seriously? So, Brittany knew she would be lonely and then suddenly, Santana was good enough? No way. Santana Lopez was not second choice; never.
Even though the raven haired girl was angry, she just shook her head and calmly said: "No, I don't want to watch a movie with you, Brittany, and I don't want to hang out with you."
She didn't want to hurt Brittany or make her sad, since that broke her heart, but she just couldn't be friends with Brittany anymore. Not so soon, not like this. She knew that being friends with the blonde would torture her. She still loved Brittany, even if she didn't want to. That would probably never change but now; she realized that Brittany would never be able to give her what she needed. She needed someone that wanted her. That wouldn't choose someone else over her. She needed someone that was able to see when she was hurting, when she needed space, like she did now. And look, Brittany just proved that she couldn't sense that. She didn't know that the best thing she could do was give Santana space. Especially since she was the one that caused the heartache Santana was going through. And yes, the blonde girl had the right to be with whoever she wanted, and Santana was glad that the girl was happy, but that didn't mean that they could still be friends and that Santana had to continue torturing herself with being close to Brittany, but not being able to be as close as she wanted to be. That was just cruel and it would simply kill her.
"Why not?" Brittany asked, sounding quite hurt.
Santana sighed as she closed her locker and looked at Brittany.
"I told you that I loved you and you… you just push me aside for a stupid boy who you've known for a year, maybe a bit more. We've been…" She lowered her voice. "… kissing and having sex for years, I've loved you since we met and without any trouble, you push me aside for him. Do you know how much that hurt me? Do you know how much I've cried over you?"
Yes, she had decided to be honest with Brittany, and she wasn't too bad ass to admit that she had been crying over the blonde. Right now, it wasn't about being bad ass. Right now, it was about being honest with her and making sure that Brittany understood why she was acting like this, and what she felt.
She continued: "Being close to you and not being able to actually be with you, be your girlfriend, and be the one you love… It just hurts too much, Brittany. It… makes me go crazy and I don't want that. I don't want to hurt anymore. Seeing you with him… that's already hard enough, so, I'm sorry but I can't be your best friend anymore. Not right now; maybe when I'm completely over you, but that'll take some time." She told her before she sighed again.
"Bye, Britt." She added before she turned around and walked away, feeling tears pool in her eyes.
She hurried to the girls' bathroom and tried to recollect herself while she held onto the sides of the sink, letting her head hang down. She took a deep breath, feeling the walls that were always there, rebuilding themselves. She couldn't show anyone that she was breaking inside, she couldn't show what she was feeling because that would make her weak. She couldn't afford that.
Quinn walked down the hallway and saw Santana standing at her locker. The last few days she had paid a little closer attention to Santana and had noticed that Santana and Brittany were almost never together anymore. Yes, she knew that something had happened between them, ever since she had witnessed the conversation her two best friends had in the hallway. She didn't know what Brittany said to make Santana cry but she knew it had happened.
Seeing Santana cry was something she had never seen before, except for that one time at the funeral of the Latina's grandfather. And off course Quinn had seen faux crying of the Latina, she was quite a good actress, but Quinn meant real tears, tears of pain and hurt. The tears the girl had shed when Brittany had said whatever she said to the raven haired girl.
It worried Quinn because seriously, Santana without Brittany was scary. Normally, Brittany just had to tell Santana she was going too far and the Latina would glare at her friend but she would shut up and leave everyone alone. Now, no one could stop the flowing of the 'snix juice' and Quinn hated it, because she was on the receiving end of it and it hurt sometimes. Everyone knew that Santana's words could be as sharp as a knife.
But she liked the Latina. She always had, ever since they met in kindergarten. Even though Quinn wasn't the prettiest girl - see the nickname Lucy Caboosey - Santana still allowed her on the cool kids' squad and threatened to hurt anyone who wasn't nice to her. Yes, even in kindergarten it had been very much cool kids vs. uncool kids.
Quinn knew something more than friendship had been going on between the dark and light haired girls, at least until that particular conversation. That was quite clear. She had walked in on them kissing so it was safe to say that she was very aware of how intense their relationship was. They had never talked about it though. They just had this silent agreement to never talk about it, especially not with other people. She had heard them do all kinds of stuff which freaked Quinn out at the time. Was it okay to be friends with two lesbians, or at least bisexuals?
When she had asked herself those questions, she had just taken a deep breath and told herself that it was none of her business. Brittany and Santana were still the same people that they had always been, only now she knew that they were engaging in… sexual activities with each other.
Quinn was still walking through the hallways when she saw Brittany arriving at Santana's locker. She stopped mid step and leaned against the lockers behind her and watched them.
She could see Santana struggling and Brittany being oblivious to the girl's hurt… but then again, wasn't Brittany always oblivious to basically everything? She liked the blonde, she really did but sometimes Brittany hurt people. Quinn knew that the girl was aware of the fact that she was hurting people, but she just used her cute innocence to get away with it.
When she saw the hurt look on Brittany's face and Santana on the verge of tears, she knew something was wrong. She saw Santana walk away and Brittany looking down at the tips of her shoes. Quinn debated what to do: go to Brittany or follow Santana.
She decided on following Santana, because the raven haired girl seemed more hurt than Brittany, and Brittany had a boyfriend to go to, right?
Quinn walked after Santana and saw her go into the girls' bathroom. She decided to give the girl a little time to herself so she slowed her step. Eventually, she arrived at the door of the bathroom and walked in.
Santana looked up and into the mirror. It only took her a few seconds before she noticed Quinn. Her first reaction was to smile at her, just because she looked beautiful and angel-like, as she always did but then, her face hardened again, because she didn't want to show anyone that she was hurting. She didn't like to show her soft and emotional side to anyone. It made her feel vulnerable, and she hated that feeling.
"What do you want, preggers?" She asked in a cold, bitchy tone. To her irritation, Quinn let out a little laugh.
"Oh, come on, Santana. I thought you would have come up with a new and better nickname by now." She told her, seemingly amused.
Santana's jaw tightened. She didn't like anyone doubting her awesomeness with nicknames, especially not Quinn since she hated it when she made fun of her. That was even worse than if it was anyone else. "Fuck you, Fabray." She said.
She knew it was a weak comeback. She didn't really feel like fighting today. The conversation with Brittany had left her emotionally exhausted. Yes, it had been a short conversation but Santana was not used to saying what she was really feeling, so for her, it had been really hard.
Quinn walked closer to Santana and laid her hand on Santana's shoulder. "Are you okay, San?" She asked concerned.
Santana shrugged Quinn off. She didn't want Quinn to see her like this; hurt; in emotional pain. She really didn't want that. Also, that touch had caused her skin to tingle and that just threw her back in time to the first time that Brittany had held her hand. She had felt the same and right now, that was not a good memory. It only made her heart ache more and she couldn't take more of that.
"I'm okay." She bit before she made her way out of the bathroom, leaving a concerned Quinn behind.
Yes, Santana was angry with herself. She liked Quinn and now she treated her like that? Way to go, she said sarcastically to herself. Yes, she knew that Quinn wouldn't feel the same for her but you have to understand that having a crush on someone that you know you can't have, gives you two completely different feelings.
One of them is the feeling that tells you to stay as far away from them as possible because you don't want to get hurt. You don't want to completely fall for them and then get your heart broken. You don't want to put yourself through that hurt that could be avoided by just staying away from them.
The other feeling, however, is the one that makes you want to get as close to them as possible. The feeling of wanting to touch them, show them how much you they mean to you. Show them that being with them is what truly makes you happy. It's also the feeling of hope that you always, have somewhere and that you maybe even hold onto. It's the hope that somehow, they will like you back. That feeling is stronger most of the time and is the cause of a lot of heartache.
Santana knew that but still, she couldn't help but only act on the second feeling. She tried to ignore it, she knew that she was making the same mistake as she made with Brittany but she can't help it. It was something that she couldn't help and she hated herself for it.
She made her way to her next class and cursed to herself when she realized that she had this class with Brittany and Quinn. Really, the universe hated her today. She sat down in the back of the class and sighed while she put her books on the table.
She watched Brittany enter the class room, still looking as sad as she had looked at the lockers and Santana felt a pang of guilt, but it didn't last long. Brittany was the one that hurt her in the first place, not the other way around.
Then, Quinn entered with a blank expression. Santana watched her as she sat down and took what she needed for this class. Santana looked down at her desk and shook her head a bit. She shouldn't have snapped at Quinn like that, not when they girl was only concerned about her, but Santana Lopez did not apologize so she wasn't going to, either… but she wanted to. She really did.
Author Notes: Thanks to LostInNaya'sEyes and a mysterious guest for the reviews. Also, thanks to the people that added me and/or the story to their alert/favorite lists. I hope you'll continue reading and enjoying my story.