She keeps me grounded.
She gives me strength.
She gives me safety.
Lets me smile.
Day after day.
She is my hiding place.
She is my sanctuary.
She is my loyal friend.
Never leaves me.
Day after day.
She protects me.
She seduces me.
She betrays me
and everyone around me.
Day after day.
She lets me live.
She lets me forget.
She lets me suppress.
Cold and getting colder.
Day after day.
Without her, nothing.
Without her, in pieces.
Without her, hurt.
Without her, icy.
Without her, broken.
Without her, lost.
She fights back.
She burns into my soul.
She claws into my flesh.
Never lets go.
Day after day.
She cracks.
She breaks.
She falls.
Bare and exposed.
Day after day.
To take her off.
To not use her.
To never put her on.
A constant fight.
Day after day.
She forces herself.
She whispers sweet nothings.
She never gives up.
She lets me live.
Day after day.
At the same time in a different place…
I don't really know where or how I am supposed to start this.
I don't even know why I am writing this down.
Maybe because someday it will be the only thing that is left.
Who are you?
A simple question with a simple answer.
But how about if you ask yourself this question, if you question yourself: 'Who are you?'
Suddenly the question is not simple anymore just as the answer to that question.
Maybe there is not even an answer to that question when you question it yourself.
Who are you?
Three simple words and yet they have the ability to change everything.
When we meet a stranger and that person asks: 'Who are you?' The answer is almost comparable to an instinctive reaction. We answer with our name.
But is that not the wrong answer?
Is there even a wrong answer to that question?
Who am I to decide that the answer is wrong?
Let's pretend it is the wrong answer, what would be the right?
Who are you?
A small light illuminated the room.
It was not bright and it seemed like it was not enough to break through the dark. But it fought. It danced around in its corner trying to shine brighter, to offer more. Never realizing that it couldn't because it was just a light.
A woman stood beside the small light. Her eyes locked at her own reflection in the mirror in front of her.
The light offered just enough brightness to make the features of her face visible. Long wavy hair surrounding the line of her forehead, dropping down over her shoulders before her jaw line started and developed itself into the line that formed her chin. Her nose was hidden by the shadows surrounding her.
It was hard to recognize the face that was starring at itself in the mirror completely. Except for her it wasn't. She was able to see every inch of her face. Her eyes, her nose, her lips and even the small scar beneath her chin which was almost impossible to recognize even in bright daylight.
But she could see it. She saw everything.
Her hands gripped tighter at the sink they were holding onto and her jaw clenched.
She didn't know how often it had happened over the past months. She stopped counting long ago.
She didn't even know why she was doing what she did at the moment. Or she did know but would never admit that to herself.
It didn't make anything better and it sure as hell didn't help her in any way.
The grip of her hands eased and her jaw relaxed again.
Although it was impossible to make out her eyes in the poorly lit room it seemed like she was searching for something in her own reflection.
She didn't know the person staring back at her anymore and she wondered if she ever had.
A long time ago she thought she had it all figured out. She thought she knew everything and her whole life had been planned to the smallest detail. She was excited to life that life.
Back then she knew exactly who she was and what she wanted.
But not anymore. Everything had changed.
Almost inaudible three little words left her now parted lips. But for her it sounded like someone stood right beside her and screamed the words into her ear. Leaving it ringing with the echo over and over again.
'Who are you?'
A look of desperation began to develop itself on her face still staring at its own reflection.
The words were still thundering in her ears.
'Hey where are you? It's getting cold without you here.'
She winced as soon as she heard the muffled words which were still clouded with sleep leaving the mouth of the person in the room next to her.
She had completely forgotten that she wasn't alone.
A flash of regret washed over her face as she released her hands from the sink and rid herself of her own reflection.
She slowly made her way to the door leaving her bathroom and the mirror behind as she entered her bedroom.
While she was stepping inside she heard the person speak to her again. Sleep now leaving the voice and although it was dark inside the room she could see the smile now playing around the corners of the lips of said person.
'Come back to bed.'
'You should leave.'
Her voice was void of emotion as the statement left her mouth. Her face was hard and cold.
She stood with her back against the bathroom door while her front was facing the bed observing the person inside of it.
Confusion became visible in the features of the stranger who was now sitting in her bed staring at her.
'Why?'
She didn't answer. She just crossed the still dark room and left the stranger in her bed behind wondering what the hell just had happened.
She was in the kitchen, pouring herself a cup of coffee when she heard someone step up behind her. She turned around and locked her eyes with the stranger who was no longer in her bed but standing right in front of her now. Confusion was now clearly visible all over the face for her to see.
'Why do you want me to leave? I thought we had fun yesterday.'
Confusion was still present in the words as they left the strangers mouth. But there was something else that swung with them. Disappointment.
'I don't do sleepovers', was all she said. Her voice and face still missing any kind of feeling as she turned around and finished pouring her coffee.
'So you just go out, pick up whoever you want, fuck with them for as long as you want and then throw them out afterwards!?'
Disappointment was now clearly recognizable in the stranger's voice and it made her groan internally. She closed her eyes while her back was still facing the stranger before she turned around. Her voice was calm and controlled.
'Look, I needed someone and you were there. We fucked and now it's over, so you can leave.'
The stranger still stared at her with disappointment and a slowly shaking head. The eye contact between them broke as the stranger turned around and headed for the door to leave.
Just as the stranger was finally about to leave one hand already on the handle of the door a head turned over a shoulder. The person locked eyes with the woman on the other side of the room who was leaning with her back against the counter and holding a cup of coffee in her hands.
'I thought you were different.'
And with that the stranger was gone and the body of the woman twitched as the door fell shut.
Suddenly a flash of hurt washed over the woman's face and the muscles of her body tightened turning the knuckles of her fingers white as the grip around the coffee cup grew stronger.
But just as quick as it happened it disappeared.
The grip loosened and the muscles relaxed as her face became void of emotion again.
She had put her mask back on. She was leaving whatever it was she felt trapped inside.
The mask was the one letting her live.
Day after day.
Please let me know what you think about this...I still feel kind of unsure about it...
Like or not reviews are always welcome :)