Further chapters will not be so quickly posted, but I got inspired by the kind reviews I got! Thankies to everyone!
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I feel pretty, oh so pretty
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The Inn of Ill Omen sure knew how to get a would-be killer into the right mood. When Mary arrived there with the first rays of the sun, she had only to dismount from Mr. Fuzzems to form an accurate plan. Her ruby red (or tomato, depending on your preferences) ringlets swaying in the light breeze and flying away – as they were butterflies – as Mary summoned her Fairy Godmother through a few well-chosen arcane words and a single call from her pink Nokia.
In a flash of paparazzi cameras, Donna Karan appeared in front of Mary, dressed in an ill-fitting figure skater costume consisting of many, MANY cheap sequins. Mary explained her need for a costume that would make her look inconspicuous (though it took a few minutes of explaining to make Donna get what the word meant). The fashion designer took notes on her absolutely stylish leather bikini before waving around a large, sparkly wand with a star-shaped tip and voila!
Mary was wearing a dress that looked like one of the Arwen dresses from the initial costume designs in the Lord of the Rings movie crossed with a Disney Princess outfit, only now real, heavily sequined and all pink and sparkly. At first, Mary was horrified that the color didn't match her crimson hair, but Donna pointed out that her mane had changed into a sun-kissed blonde that was far more golden than the purest gold, blinding anyone who looked at it for more than three seconds.
No one would suspect her like this!
Mary thanked her Fairy Godmother and, like, BFF! for being sooo nice to her while Donna vanished from Tamriel with several more paparazzi photos.
The innkeeper (whose name is absolutely irrelevant to the story) fell in love with the beautiful newcomer at first sight, but Mary knew how to deal with Nords just fine. She showed him Mr. Fuzzems, now back in his sickeningly cute bunny form, and the big, tough Nord was immediately smitten and squealed like a preteen fangirl upon the sight of such supreme sweetness. That effectively kept him occupied while Mary floated down to the private quarters. The ladder would ruin her dress! Worse, she could get a splinter! And we have already established in the previous chapter that she can defy gravity.
So nyah.
Anyway, Mary walked straight into Rufio's room, not bothering with stealth at all. Never mind that she had no bladed, blunt or magical weapon at hand - the Blade of Woe was far too special for this! Mary was a master of all kinds of combat. The door slammed behind her loudly enough to wake the dead and wake Rufio did. Mary immediately saw why the old codger needed to die – he was old. Like, really old. And he smelled funny. And his shoes didn't match his hair at all!
"Who- who are you? What do you want?" Rufio spluttered warily, almost blinded by the light of Mary's splendorous hair reflected by the thousands of sequins. He had been expecting the odd Dark Brotherhood killer might find their way here, but this girl certainly didn't look like one of them… more like an escapee from Sheogorath, actually. Which could be just as dangerous, depending on the situation.
Striking a heroic pose, Mary pointed an accusing figure at Rufio. "YOU!" she said dramatically, tossing her waist-length curtain of hair over her perfect shoulder.
"Uh… me?" Rufio asked, without a clue as to what was happening when the strange girl didn't continue. She was plain scary.
Shocked that someone would dare interrupt her, Mary forgot her line. It was a very good one, too! He would pay for this!
"In the name of good fashion sense, I, Isabellanast'aasia-arwenäeowynßgaladriel??gosh'this'name'is'so'very'descriptive!edh'wen-ing-quen-iel, shall destroy you!" she said triumphantly. Now she had a justification for this, actually! Wasn't that neat? She wouldn't gain any Infamy points for being righteous and good… right?
Rufio, baffled, caught only the first two syllables of her name. "I'm sorry, Isa-what?" he asked, not as politely as he should have.
"Isabellanast'aasia-arwenäeowynßgaladriel??gosh'this'name'is'so'very'descriptive!edh'wen-ing-quen-iel!" Mary barked out – not perfect enough! – eh, cried out valiantly. "You insult the names of my ancient ancestors from a different fantasy franchise by not speaking it correctly!"
The old man still wasn't getting it very much. "Why does your name have all the hyphens in it, Isa-nana-whatever?" he asked and though he didn't mean it as an insult…
Mary was highly displeased. But she resolved to be patient. It would be simply rude not to introduce herself to her victim.
"Isabellanast'aasia-arwenäeowynßgaladriel??gosh'this'name'is'so'very'descriptive!edh'wen-ing-quen-iel. I. sa.be.lla.na.st'aa.sia.-ar.wen.äeo.wyn.ß.ga.la.driel.??.gosh'.this'.name'.is'.so'.very'.descriptive.!.edh'.wen.-.ing.-.quen.-.iel." she pronounced slowly and perfectly, with diction far more flawless than Eliza Doolittle after her makeover in My Fair Lady.
But Rufio just couldn't get it right. He never placed the accents correctly. He couldn't even pronounce some of the characters when he should be grateful that there were no Asian characters of her name. It was said that Mary was originally to be named Isabella Anastasia Rosamunde Bond Girl Hikari Momoko Utsukushi Princess Peach Jen Zi Sakura Evangeline Megumi Ninja Turtle Sailor Moon Powerpuff Starlight (for the reader's convenience, Chinese and Japanese kanji have been translated into phonetical transcriptions) but the followers of Sheogorath were just too loony for such a simple name.
Plus, none of them could decide which of the Sailor Senshi was the coolest.
After a three-hour lesson in phonetics (another area of Mary's expertise), Rufio managed to get it right in one breath, but suffocated on the very last hyphen. Thus, the deed was done without Mary having to even move a muscle. In fact, she didn't even kill him at all!
Go Mary!
"Wait, oh my!" she realized, blinking her liquid purple orbs so that they wouldn't begin to leak. "I could have just introduced myself as Mary Sue!" She gave a little laugh that was like the twinkling of cow bells. "Silly me!"
But Mary didn't use her powers to resurrect Rufio; after all, he had paid for his crimes against fashion. Justice had been served. But, more importantly, it meant that she would see her darling beau again!
She couldn't wait to see his handsome face again, though she certainly wouldn't mind seeing more of him. They would have to have a talk about proper clothing once they got married; after all, those dark robes didn't reveal almost anything! And the color… black was only for those who needed to disguise their figure and she just knew that the man she fell in love with had to put Fabio to shame with his abs.
Sigh…
Anyway, there was no way she was sleeping in a room with a dead guy, so she went upstairs, checking on the innkeeper, who was still fawning over her precious pet and would do so for longer than a cat would when faced with all the world's catnip. The ancient powers of Su protecting her would also ensure that no pesky legion guards would be interfering with her plans. Things were going to be perfect this time around!
Mary then realized that she hadn't even gotten the chance to use her wonderful Blade of Woe, the gift of love from her cuddly assassin. Still a virgin; just like her, she sighed dreamily! She had misjudged darling Lucien, obviously. He respected her too much to make such advances on her after such a short time! Ever noble and gallant, that man. He was evidently misunderstood and had a heart of gold, deep down inside, where only she could see!
In accordance with his obviously gallant and considerate behavior, Mary decided that she wouldn't be aggressive this time around. Obviously, she couldn't just throw herself on the Prince Charming who put such high value to her virtue. She would save the leather bikini for once they got married – he had to like this kind of thing, with his career tastes, so she would keep it in mind. Right now, she changed into a pure white low-cut nightgown and let her stream of blue-black hair drop freely down her back, careful not to get anything wet.
Her room had been rearranged into a copy of Cinderella's Dream Fairy Palace from Toys R Us and Mary lay down on her bed, placing her latest Miss Tamriel tiara on her head as a finishing touch. And then, carefully feigning sleep, she waited…
Truthfully, Lucien didn't want to do this. He had just returned from a lengthy talk with Ungolim in Bravil, where the Listener resided in order to be close to the Night Mother statue. The Speaker couldn't claim to understand why someone in such an important function could willingly reside in a city that looked rather like the cozy village of Hackdirt on a swamp when the Imperial City was just a few hour's worth ride away – not to mention the fact that teleportation had already been invented by the Mage's Guild and getting hold of one of those nifty teleporting devices should be easy for someone in their line of work.
Which wasn't to say that they should get large mansions and show-off to the rest of the world, but… heck, they were allowed a little bit of luxury, weren't they? Not that he should talk, with Fort Farragut and all the undead guardians, he supposed, but how was he to know that his mother would kick him out and disown him once he came home proudly proclaiming that he wanted to be a killer when he grew up. Not that it had stopped him from claiming all the family´s finances and belongings after her mysterious death, mind you.
In any case, Ungolim had refused to listen to him at all. To the point when the Bosmer had covered his pointed ears and sing-sang "I can't hear you, nyah nyah!" or something similar. Once the Listener got over his leprechaun nature, however, he said quite plainly that the Night Mother said that Mary Sue was to join the Dark Brotherhood and that was final. Oh, and that he'd tell the Mother if Lucien refused to do this. Which had been the end of the discussion, really.
Shadowmere grunted a bit when he nudged her somewhat harder than he intended, but forgave him when the Speaker stroke her mane upon dismantling. Having seen glimpses of the wretched woman, the mare had a good idea why Lucien looked as if he was being subjected to a badly performed version of "Daggerfall: the Musical". She sincerely hoped that for once, her rider's control over his less professional impulses would slip.
In truth, Lucien didn't even have to search for Mary. A trail of crumpled pages from rough drafts of the script of the following scene was leading all the way to her bedside. Besides, the stupid bunny was still sitting on the bar, right next to a transfixed barkeeper, who was obviously sleeping and muttering how cute the aforementioned rodent was. Mr. Fuzzems gave Lucien an unnervingly calculating stare before allowing him to pass. The Speaker made a mental note to buy some rat poison the next time he went recruiting a potential female member.
A quiet chorus of Dunmer angels (all in costumes representing the sea creatures from the Disney movie) began to sing "Kiss the girl" from My Little Mermaid the moment Lachance stepped into the room, though how they knew when to start was a mystery, because even Mary, with her Super Sue Sense tingling, was having a hard time detecting Lucien's presence. His cover was blown the moment he drew a sharp dagger covered with dried blood used specifically for the purposes of frightening people (otherwise it would be clean) and the angels stopped singing with nervous laughs and vanished into oblivion.
Oblivion, get it? Ha ha!
In any case, Mary saw that her beloved was too shy to kiss her and too gentle to take advantage of her sleeping state, so she decided to tweak the circumstances somewhat. A silver microphone magically appeared in her hand and a spotlight no one could see reflected the useless sequins of her perfect silvery nightgown. In a soaring soprano that would have made any professional musician wish they were dead, deaf or at least far away from the singer, she began to sing "Someday my Speaker will come" (note the obvious replacement of the word "prince") from Snow White. Her karaoke track in the background immediately swapped accordingly.
As this is a PG-13 fanfiction, Mary's repertoire was limited to songs from her favorite Disney movies and some light Britney Spears.
Once she hit the final note – two octaves higher than written in the score! – pink confetti burst from the disco ball above her, showering them both and she gasped prettily, as if seeing Lucien for the first time. After all, she didn't want to make him feel bad about his sneaking skills by telling him she had known all along that he was there. Besides, this was a spontaneous revelation of her true feelings! So just buy it, all you critics!
As for Lucien, his grip around the short sword on his belt was repeatedly tightening and relaxing. The whole room smelt like a gypsy perfumery, sparkles and sequins were everywhere and he was covered in confetti. Pink confetti.
Mary had no idea just how fortunate she was to still have her head at this point.
"Lucien, darling!" she chirped like a little bird about to be swallowed by a great cat, "I didn't see you there! Oh, dear, dear, you have confetti all over you! Here, let me help!" With a graceful little jump, Mary landed right next to her love and began dusting him off gently, blushing crimson each time she even touched his robes, giving the impression of a malfunctioning traffic light or a police siren.
The robed Speaker gritted his teeth and counted to ten mentally. It was a long time since he had been forced to use this little trick, but it was useful. Ten more minutes, he recalled mentally. Ten more minutes and he could get out of here. Then, he wouldn't have to see the rainbow twit ever again, because Vicente and Ocheeva would be stuck with her. he actually pitied them, but it would be good anger management training for his other "children", he supposed. He was personally giving Mary two days before one of the newer sanctuary members would snap and kill her.
He still didn't get just how she had managed to kill Rufio.
"So, the deed is done." he noted, forcing himself to look the beaming girl into her sparkling azure eyes. "How do I know this? You will find that the Dark Brotherhood knows a great many things. For you are now part of the family."
Mary finally gasped and bounced a bit. "Oh, thank you, thank you! I'm sure I'll love all of them! What do you think I should wear when I go meet your parents, darling?" she cooed happily.
Lucien had absolutely no idea what the woman was thinking, but the corners of his lips twitched briefly. "Nothing would please me more to send you to them right now, Isabellanast'aasia-"
"Please, Lucien, call me Mary!" the ginger-haired beauty said graciously, like the Queen of queens of queens of queens of ALL queens in the WHOLE universe. "And wait till you meet my dad, Uriel Septim! He's so the coolest! I've never actually met him, but I know he is – because he's my dad!"
"Mary, then." Lucien pronounced the name almost as if being force-fed poison by his deceased parents, but the tiara-wearing teen only continued to beam. Now it became obvious why the woman had been able to kill Rufio: she was obviously insane. Mary only thought about how sensual his accent was. "But I am bound by the Five Tenets, unfortunately, as are you."
"Oh, that's okay!" Mary said cheerfully. She didn't know her darling was so chivalrous to have an actual knight's code of honor! It was another thing that made him so wonderful! "I'll have more time to pick the perfect outfit, then.
"Indeed." Lucien agreed darkly, calmly imagining her head on a spike, a warning for all fanfiction writers out there. Mary immediately misinterpreted the content and slightly hungry look in his eyes as barely suppressed passion. She had that effect on people. In any case, the Speaker wanted to get things quickly over with. Some final instructions and then he would finally be free of the wretch. "Now, heed these words. The slaying of Rufio was the signing of a covenant. The manner of execution, your signature. Rufio's blood, the ink. As a Speaker for the Black Hand, I directly oversee a particular group of family members. You will join that group, and fulfill any contracts given. You must now go to the city of Cheydinhal, to the abandoned house near the eastern wall. Enter the basement, and attempt to open the black door. You will be asked a question. Answer thusly: 'Sanguine, my Brother'. You will gain entrance to the Sanctuary. Once inside, speak with Ocheeva. You are now one with the Dark Brotherhood. Visit Ocheeva, and your new life will begin."
How poetically he spoke! Once they were married, he could write a book about their love and out-class Danielle Steel in terms of bestsellers! That would secure their future together.
"Oh, I already knew that, darling." Mary said sweetly, honey dripping from each word.
Lachance stepped back a bit to avoid all the saccharine liquid, looking amused and doubtful. "You did?" he asked, the sarcasm lost on Mary.
"Yeah, like, totally! You see, I know everything that goes on in Tamriel! At least, everything the plot requires me to know." the beauty smiled shamefully, her pearly teeth reflecting the light from the disco ball. "I´m not perfect, unfortunately. But I know all about the history of the Dark Brotherhood and how to get to the Sanctuary! I just didn't know the password. It used to be 'Luke, I am your Father!' back when I was a member five hundred years ago." she clarified.
"Didn't you say that the current Emperor was your father, despite you being, ah, part-elven?" Lucien phrased carefully, curious despite himself. He knew he shouldn't be asking, but there was a chance that her brain would go into overload from the conflicting information.
"Yes, I did!" Mary beamed, feeling bliss over the fact that her beloved had remembered those things she said about herself. Of course, she just knew he loved her because of who she was, not because of her spectacular heritage. "But I died back then, facing off against the entire Morag Tong! It was an unfair fight – they had Pokémon backing them up – so my spirit couldn't find rest and I slept for centuries, only to be revived by Azura herself and placed into a sequel by being reborn as my current incarnation!"
One dark eyebrow rose on Lucien's face. Well, this was certainly a new one. Better not make any sudden movements. There was a servant of Sheogorath on the loose. "How fascinating." he said dryly. Ten minutes were up. "I'm afraid that we must now take our leave of each other, you and I, for there is much work to be done. I'll be following your…progress. Welcome to the family."
If the confetti had been horrible, then being hugged by a squeeing Mary was downright hellish.
"I'll miss you, Lulu! Take care of yourself!" And with that, Mary teleported herself off to the location where the next chapter would take place, taking Mr. Fuzzems with her, narrowly avoiding the fireball Lucien shot at her a second too late. The Cinderella décor vanished with her.
His face slightly ashen by now and eyes narrowed in a manner that would leave any sane person whimpering for their mommy, Lucien Lachance found the nearest desk, whipping out a piece of parchment and locating a quill and an ink bottle. The time had come for drastic measures.
Ocheeva,
Regarding the new recruit, I give you full permission to give her the most difficult jobs you find. I assure you, she is more than capable of handling them without any prior preparation or information gathering. You will understand when you meet her, I'm certain. Send Gogron to welcome her properly. I insist. On a side note, pass word on to Vicente that I give him full permission to deal with her in accordance with his preferences. As always, my love goes to you and all the Family.
LL