Hello my fellow /b/ browsing quickscopers. It's me_irl, my life has been flipped turned upside down since the events of ProCodKid69 and mah euphoria is back bitches. I milked xX_ until every atom of that dead horse was gone. Was it worth it losing all my self respect and honor? FUCK YES NOW I CAN BATHE IN CHILDREN'S TEARS WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY. In all seriousness, children's tears are much heavier (from the weight of sadness) allowing you to float in them. Back to the point, my life is Swag! Friends! Fun! Drink! Hot Girls! I'm hot! Drink more! Expensive cars! Ass! Drink! Ass! Money! Me in a tuxedo! Threesome! Vodka! Pussy! Drink! Drink! Drink! Me! Drink! Vegas! Fun! Pussy! Me in a tuxedo! Fucking this Girl! Vodka! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink it all, you fucking pussy! More tuxedos! More cars! More pussy! More vodka! DRINK! DRINK! DRIN- so now that this update is done. I would like to tell you about the research I have been funding.
I have searched the universe, travelled time, performed satanic rituals, violated the wikia terms of service, browsed hentai, practiced zen buddhism (so boring) and more just so that I could explain how EA was able to pirate ActiVision games, how COD gained access to the edgy web, how ProCodKid69 tracked me and how the creepypasta characters were able to bypass my epix internetter haxxor skillz. The answer is much closer, much closer to home and YOU might even be part of it. The answer to all the secrets of the universe is…
COMCAST!1!one1!
Can you see it now? Let me explain. Comcast has controlled the internet since 1848 but they have just been suppressing it and was able to get in a skype chat with GOD before all the spammers crashed God's accounts. God was so sick of humanity doing stupid shit like fighting wars, discriminating against each other and voting for republicans so he handed over ownership of the universe to Comcast thinking it couldn't be so bad right? FUCK NO IT WAS BAD. Comcast battered, killed, rekt, animal abused, stripped, broke, abused, child abused, graphically violenced, humiliationed, self hurted, strong languaged and fucked up the universe so much that we all retreated into a dream state inside the matrix to escape it. Comcast controlled the internet and was able to hack into the matrix. They used this to manipulate reality to such impossible things as merge with Time Warner, melt jet fuel with steel beams, gain a bad customer service score, make bad creepypastas popular, brainwash us with minions and so much more but there was a catch! By accessing the matrix via internet, the internet flooded our dream world with problems such as lag, speech autocorrect, etc. leading to effects like deja vu, disappearances, anomalies and more. Comcast is love, comcast is life, comcast is shrek, comcast is phone, comcast is conspiracy, comcast is EVIL ITSELF, comcast is you and me, comcast is the entire fucking universe and we have to motherfucking stop it!
So how do we stop Comcrap? We must use their weakness, nukes! By destroying the universe, comcast will die in the dream and die in real life. Even though we will all will die too, sacrifices must be made! Also, all our souls are stuck in purgatory because we have made our brains inhabitable through things like vine, youtube, fursonas, reddit, trollpasta wiki, fads, trends, #tags and fandoms. The time is now!
OH SHIT! The planes from 9/11 have just landed on my porch. There's things coming out. OH NO! They're zombie KGB members here to arrest me for possession of illegal knowledge and they brought MECHA HITLER TOO! The brain killing cutinator dog is at my door and can't open it because he has paws but my door is about to break from all the cute-ing. Shrek, gaben, left shark, SOG, MichaelLeroi, sanic, MrCreepyPasta, snoop, other trollpasta reading youtuber senpais, doge, they're all rekt by the soviets. It's over! They're in! Their going to take me to the screening room! I'll be erased! They're pulling me away from the keyboa
-[THE RUSSIAN NAVY OF CENSORSHIP]-
HAIL HYDRA,
THIS DOCUMENT HAS BEEN CONFISCATED FROM Me_irl (M-ee i-r-l). WHILE THE UNDERSCORE COULD REALLY BE HIS MIDDLE INITIAL. IT IS BELIEVED THAT HE HAS A DIFFERENT NAME THAT HE HAS BEEN WITHHOLDING FROM US OR THAT HE FORGOT DURING HIS INTENSE MULTIDRUG HIGH. SOME OF THE DRUGS INCLUDE BUT ARE NOT LIMITED TO:
NECROSLEEP
SLEEP GAS
GMO WEED
ENRICHED URANIUM
ENERGY DRINKS WITH A HIGH CONCENTRATION OF PEPSI BRAND PRODUCTS
CHIPS WITH A HIGH CONCENTRATION OF PEPSI OWNED FOODS
COKE
COCA COLA
CALCIUM CONCENTRATE
STARFISH SPIT (NOTE: starfish appears to be more evolved)
EUPHORIA INDUCING BATTERY ACID (NOTE: the chemical structure has been affected by an undiscovered element with a atomic number of 1337)
BLOOD WITH CONCENTRATIONS OF DMT
SHROOMS
MERCURY
ONIONS
SILVER
FAT FRYER GREASE
CLARIDRYL
GUNPOWDER
DRUG THERAPY IS BEING TESTED ON HIM IN HOPES OF PREPARING HIM FOR VIDEO BASED MENTAL CONFORMING. WE MAY ALLOW HIM TO LEAVE AS THE ILLEGAL KNOWLEDGE MAY BE A TRAUMA INDUCED LOGIC BREAK HINTED AT BY THE EXTREMELY ILLOGICAL STEPS TO HIS CONCLUSION. ANYWAYS, THE BOARD OF DA INTERNET COMMUNICATION KGB SERVICE OR BOARD OF D.I.C.K.S. FOR SHORT IS LEANING TOWARDS USING THE COMCAST COMMERCIAL: LOST MUSIC VIDEO IN CASE HE ACTUALLY BELIEVES THIS SHIT HE WRITES. how da faq do I end a crappy noodler again?