For the first time in almost eight months, I saw the temples of Boreth.
I held Ketan tighter to my chest and stood looking at their indistinct outlines in the distance. I had completed the challenge, had redeemed my honor. And now I was ready to go home.
Was I?
I no longer craved it, my body had long ago purged itself of the need. And now I had a child, a reason to keep myself out of the abyss I had fallen into before. But could I really go home? Would my family welcome me back with open arms, or would they secretly wonder, "How long will she stay clean this time."
And then of course, there's Ketan. Oh, John.
I decided early on that Ketan was John's son. But would John be able to be a father to him? Kahless, he's not even eighteen. Chakotay and Kathryn wanted him to go to the Academy. Could I really just sprint back to San Francisco, with a child in my arms, and disrupt his life? Ketan might have been my savior, but to John, to everyone else, he would be seen as a mistake, a lack of judgment by a silly, damaged child.
Maybe I wasn't ready to go home yet. Maybe I couldn't go home. Ever.
Ketan began to cry softly.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Do you want to live on Boreth for the rest of your life? It's not so bad. I lived here for two years, when Grandma Miral died." Ketan cried harder.
A cold wind whipped through the trees. I realized the sun had set and nightfall would come soon. I sought refuge in a cave about a kilometer away. Vaguely, I remembered a story from my past, about a cave, where my mother and grandmother stayed once, a lifetime ago. I crawled toward the back and curled up out of the wind, keeping Ketan tight to me.
When I awoke, I started walking toward the temples. I couldn't protect myself or my son from the real world much longer. I chuckled slightly at the irony. The unpredictable, dangerous wilderness of Boreth was my safety net.
It took me nearly the whole day to reach the temple. I didn't stop to rest, or eat. Finally I arrived at the temple's ancient doors. I pounded on them with my fist.
The Priestess greeted me, frowned momentarily at Ketan. "Miral Paris. You are two months overdue. We were beginning to think you had died. Qapla'."
"I have to contact my family," I insisted. The Priestess motioned toward the corner of the room. I paused for a minute before I managed to remember our code. The call was put through instantly.
My father was the one who answered. It was as if I was seeing him for the first time. He looked older than I remembered. Of course, there was a lot I didn't remember.
"Dad," I said breathlessly.
"Miral. We were so afraid… and now you… a baby? B'Elanna!"
My mother appeared on-screen a second later. "Miral!" she cried. "Is that really you?"
I nodded, swallowing against a sudden lump in my throat. "I'm coming home, Mom. I'm a different person now. I promise you."
The transport back to San Francisco was a long one. Ketan seemed to pick up on my nerves and cried most of the way home.
Once I arrived back on earth, I transported directly to my parents' apartment. I was received with a crushing embrace.
"Good to have you back," my father said, and I saw tears in his eyes. My mother had taken Ketan in her arms.
"When did you…" she began.
"I gave birth to him about two months ago, while I was on the Challenge. I didn't even know I was pregnant before I left."
"John Janeway?"
"I hope so."
We talked for hours, well into the night. I felt like I belonged, like I have never been gone. It was good to be home.
"Can I hold him?"
I looked up at John, and silently passed the boy over to him. Ketan cooed softly in his father's arms.
"We'll figure this out, Miral," he said.
"I'm so sorry," I sobbed. "I didn't mean for this to happen."
John shifted Ketan to one arm and wrapped the other around me. "Don't be sorry," he said. "When you… when I found out our first one didn't make it, I was devastated. I never expected to feel that way. I realized how much I really wanted a child, even if the timing wasn't quite right." He pressed a kiss to my cheek. "I love you," he murmured in my ear.
I froze. Did he just say what I thought he said? And did I feel the same way about him?
It was a lifetime before I said, "I love you, too."
"Marry me, then."
I pulled away. "What?"
"Miral," he began, "I know you're trying to make a new life for yourself right now. I want to help you, be there for you. Marry me."
I looked into John's blue eyes, saw nothing but love reflected in them. I squeezed his hand, smiled at him.
"Okay."