King of the Hill

A Connie & Luanne Episode

"Watch Out for Peggy!"

Written by Mr. Semaj

Act II

Scene I – Home Alone

The next day, at home, Lucky packs a backpack and grabs a water bottle.

Luanne: "So, it's only for a day, right?"

Lucky: "Sure. I'm going out to explore me a bit of Mother Nature. I may be in early retirement, but who says a feller can't go out and enjoy it?"

Luanne: "I'll be here waiting for you."

Lucky: "You enjoy your day, Baby Doll." (kisses Luanne)

Luanne smiles sweetly. Lucky leaves in his truck.

Later that day, Connie spends time with Luanne after school. The girls are playing a game with action figures.

Connie: "And so, after we make it out of the asteroid belt, Cosmo journeys to the outer planets."

Luanne: "What's this big, orange ball up ahead?"

Connie: "Jupiter."

Luanne (checking flashcard): "Correct!

But now, Quasimodo has to look out for the moons. How many moons does Jovial have?"

Connie: "Sixty-three."

Luanne (checks flashcard): "Wrong! There's sixteen moons."

Connie: "I think the book is dated."

Luanne: "Nice try, Connie. But Quasi is gonna have to avoid these sixteen moons if he's gonna get to his prom date on Saturn."

Luanne goes on a tangent and starts imitating a ship collision with the moons.

Connie: "Lu, this isn't supposed to help me study for my astronomy test!"

Luanne: "Sorry.

Up ahead is Saturn. How many moons does Saturn have?"

Connie: "Fifty-six."

Luanne: "Correct! And for the bonus round, name Saturn's major satellites."

Connie: "I prepared the names in mnemonics, though I can't remember how it went…"

Luanne is sniffing.

Connie: "What is it, Luanne?"

Luanne: "Something smells good."

Luanne scouts around the house until she approaches the kitchen. She spots a large batch of cookies on the counter. Connie follows closely behind.

Luanne: "Oh my God!"

Connie: "What are all these cookies for?"

Luanne: "I don't know…is there any milk left?"

Connie checks the refrigerator.

Connie: "Plenty."

Luanne starts eating some cookies.

Connie: "Um, Lu. I don't think we should be eating those."

Luanne (with mouth full): "But they're good."

Connie: "I bet they are, but you're gonna get us int--"

Luanne stuffs a cookie in Connie's mouth.

Connie: "Mmmm…"

Connie puts the jug of milk on the counter, and starts eating cookies, too.

Scene II – The Missing Cookies

An hour later, Peggy arrives home. Hank had arrived home half an hour earlier.

Peggy: "Honestly, if the people in line are going to take advantage of a sale, they need to check the dates on the coupon first."

Peggy walks into the front door. Hank is sitting on the couch reading the newspaper.

Peggy (to herself): "At least now we got the chocolate sprinkles we need."

Peggy walks into the kitchen. There's a brief silence.

Peggy: "Oh my God, WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL OF MY COOKIES?!

(shouting) Hank! HANK! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANK!" (voice echoes)

Hank walks into the kitchen.

Hank: "What?!"

Peggy: "Some greedy bastard ate all of my cookies! They are for my promotion party tomorrow!"

Hank: "Whoever ate them probably didn't know that."

Peggy: "Or maybe they did know, but wanted to sabotage me, because they can't handle my superior standings over... (sudden pause)

You! It was YOU, Hank!"

Hank: "Me?!"

Peggy: "That's right. You couldn't deal with the car crash or your contacts, so you tried to get back at me by ruining my reception at the Bystander!"

Hank: "I did no such thing! I don't even like chocolate chip cookies."

Peggy: "How else could've done it? Certainly not Bobby; he's been out with Joseph all day. "

Hank: "I don't know what the hell happened to your cookies, but I can't say you don't deserve it. You blame me for the car crash, and you buy us contacts without my permission, which I already told you was out of our budget. My contacts are causing my sales to go down. And now you're blaming me for stealing your cookies?"

Peggy: "Go ahead, Hank. You can keep blaming me for all your problems while you're sleeping on the couch tonight!"

Hank's face boils red.

Connie and Luanne are still playing together.

Luanne: "What is the name of the 'Planet X' discovered on March 15?"

Connie: Sednia.

Luanne (checks flashcard): "Correct!

So then, where's Planets Y and Z?"

Suddenly, the door crashes open.

Hank: "Luanne! What did you do with all those cookies?!"

Connie and Luanne sit there innocently. Luanne had chocolate all over her mouth. She makes a small burp.

Hank: "Those cookies were for Peggy's reception! And now she's yelling at me!!"

Luanne: "I'm sorry, Unca Hank."

Hank: "'Sorry' isn't going to fix this! You're coming with me right now!!"

Hank grabs Luanne by the ear, and pulls her out the room with him.

Luanne: "Aah! UNCA HANK!!!"

Scene III – Take Her Back

That evening, at the Gribbles' home, Nancy had just finished polishing her toe nails. The door bell rings. Nancy answers it.

Nancy: "John."

John: "Nancy, I want you back."

Nancy: "John, we've been over this before. I can't."

John: "Please, Nancy. It's hard enough that I can't be with my son without him questioning my presence. I need someone to be with."

Nancy: "But what about all the other women you dated?"

John: "Nine out of ten of them, I never see again.

Come back to me, Nancy. All back messages will be on me."

Nancy: "I'm sorry, Sug. I'm sticking to my commitment, and that's the way it's gonna stay." (closes door)

John walks away wiping the tars off his face..

Scene IV – Pity Party

That night, back at the Hill's home, Luanne and Connie are sitting on the Hills' couch together.

Luanne: "I couldn't get the baking soda for the recipe, but I managed to bake all the cookies Aunt Peggy needed for her reception this evening."

Connie: "So she doesn't know that it was us?"

Luanne: "As far as she's concerned, it's still Unca Hank's fault. She still won't forgive him for the spat they had earlier.

But I just don't know what's up with her lately. She's more of a pain than she usually is."

Connie: "What a surprise."

Luanne: "But she's driving everybody nuts lately. Even Unca Hank is starting to lose it."

Conversation from the kitchen.

Hank: "Bobby, I told you to wash the dishes and clean off the counter!"

Bobby: "But Dad, I didn't even do any cooking today."

Hank: "Now look what you did. You dropped a chocolate chip into Ladybird's dish. You're grounded!"

Bobby (quivering): "Dad, please don't make me clean out the gutters out again."

Hank: "Get to it!"

Bobby starts crying.

Connie: "And I don't think Mrs. Gribble likes me that much anymore. She won't let me hang out with Joseph anymore."

Luanne: "Maybe they're both having their p-e-r-i-o-d-s."

Connie: "Perhaps. But what could possibly be getting them so upset these days?"

The back door opens. Nancy is crying and wiping tears off her face.

Nancy (wailing): "I don't know what I'm going to do! This is driving me crazy!"

The front door opens. Peggy is crying too.

Peggy (wailing): "This is the worst day ever! Everybody is so damn stupid!"

Nancy: "Sug, John Redcorn gave up on dating, and he wants to take me back!"

Peggy: "Forget about John Freaking Redcorn! I was laid off from the Arlen Bystander today!"

The distraught women continue crying as they slump on the couch. Peggy slumps on Luanne, and Nancy slumps on Connie.

Nancy: "I don't understand. I've been praying to God for forgiveness ever since I broke up with Big Johnny six years ago. Now, he's trying to blow my born-again purity to smithereens!"

Peggy: "They hired a new manager at the Bystander last week, and he hated the cookies I brought!"

Tears of anguish begin dripping on the carpet. As Peggy and Nancy continue blubbering, Luanne and Connie struggle to get free from underneath the two women, but to no avail.

Nancy: "I'm totally lost, Sug! All the pressure is going to kill me!"

Peggy (screaming): "I got fried from the Arlen Bystander! Doesn't that mean anything to you?!!"

Nancy: "Why are you yelling at me?!"

Peggy: "You never listen to me!!"

Nancy: "Can't you think of anybody besides yourself for once?!"

The two women start crying louder. Their shrill screams shatter some glass in the living room.

Hank and Bobby overhear the crying from the kitchen and cover their ears. They creep out the back door. Ladybird follows.

Nancy: "I should get a divorce, but I just don't have it in me. I love Dale and John so much."

Peggy: "I should've kept my job as a substitute teacher. At least I actually had a job then!"

The two women exchange more sobs. Luanne and Connie, both hopelessly squished beneath the blubbering women, shrug their shoulders.

Scene V – Peggy and Nancy's Fallout

The next day, Bobby and Joseph walk home from school.

Bobby: "Maybe it's me, but something seems to be wrong with Mom these days. It can't be the contacts, though she and Dad look quite different with them."

Joseph: "You think you got it bad? You probably already noticed how every time we spend time with Dad, Mr. Redcorn always joins us.

I just don't know what to do, Bobby. I really respect Mr. Redcorn, but I just don't understand why he always wants to hang out with me. All I know is that he's very close friends with my mom, but he's of no relation whatsoever."

Bobby (uneasily): "Um……yeah."

Joseph: "My mom wants me, Dad, and Mr. Redcorn to 'bond', and we've done so much of that, that I haven't seen much of Connie outside school lately."

Bobby: "Yeah. Connie is one hot piece of ass."

Joseph: (chuckles) "I know.

And all the time I spent with my dad has shown me how weird he is."

Bobby: "Well, at least your dad is not high-strung."

Joseph (imitating Hank): "I am severing the tree limbs as per instructed in the manual."

Bobby (imitating Dale): "Nancy, the government is after me! AAH!!!"

The boys share a laugh as they arrive home.

Joseph: "Yeah, both our dads are messed up."

Bobby: "Amazing they've stayed friends for so many years."

Joseph: "Well, see ya, Bobby."

Bobby: "See ya later, Joseph."

Bobby walks into the door. The first thing he hears is Peggy shouting at Nancy over the phone. Then, he sees outside the window Nancy scolding Joseph for something unknown.

Hank: "Bobby…" (Bobby goes to see what Hank is up to)

Connie and Luanne listen to the argument from Luanne's room.

Luanne: "Still no luck with Joseph?"

Connie nods negatively.

Peggy: "After all the years we've known each other, you won't even help me find a new job?! Fine! See if I care about your stupid love triangle, you dumb blonde!" (throws telephone receiver on the dialer, the whole phone drops on the floor)

"That's it! I've had it with that wishy-washy bitch! I'm telling Dale Gribble and put an end to this charade once and for all!"

Connie: "My God, this is serious!"

Luanne: "Maybe we should warn Mrs. Gribble.

(calls) Hey, Mrs. Gri--"

Connie covers Luanne's mouth.

Connie (whispering): "No, Lu. We can't let her know about this. Understand?"

Luanne nods affirmatively.

Bobby: "Psst. Girls."

Connie: "Bobby?"

Bobby (whispering): "Dad is holding a meeting at Strickland's tomorrow evening. Everyone's invited, but don't tell Mom."

Connie & Luanne (whispers): "Okay."

Peggy (bellowing): "BOBBY! GET IN HERE AND FINISH YOUR APPLE BROWN PEGGY!!!"

Bobby (meekly): "Yipe." (leaves room)

(end of Act II)