The salty water pours from my eyes
It's a pain I cannot disguise
Never have I hurt this much
Makes me want to scream and punch
I feel so alone
I feel so lost
I lost you and my heart is what it cost
Left alone to face the pain
I sit here as my tears fuse with the rain
Keep it gentle, keep it sweet
You and my future will never meet
You were taken away too soon
Never got the chance to see me bloom
You had so many dreams, so many hopes
But your world was turned dark
I wish you could still be next to me
Uncover the fog; help me see
But I know you're where you need to be
Rest, sleep, be in peace
I have tried so hard to forget everything that brought me to where I am now. But this day, it will never be erased from my memory. No matter how much time passes, the events that happened on this day will be in perfect clarity in my mind and every year it only gets worse. Every year I start to remember just a little bit more. I see details that I had blacked out from my mind. Details I didn't even know I saw. As my body matures it tricks my mind into believing I can handle much more than I really can. My own body is tearing me apart, one memory at a time. It will single handedly be the cause of my demise.
They say time heals all wounds, but what's the exact time frame? Is 8 years not enough time or am I too weak to face my fears and truly get to the root of all my evil. Sometimes I think everything they tell us to get over grief are lies and even I know such lies are a tragedy. They give false hope. You can never be who you were before. At least not fully. Your heart will always be broken and your love will never mean anything. Everything close to you will eventually die off. It's best if you never get close to anything because it will only cause you immense pain. I have cried too many times over something that was taken away from me. The crazy thing is, my heart wants more pain, more hurt. Something, anything to hold on to. For 8 years I have been numb. The only thing I feel is pain. There is no love, no hope, no happiness. I'm drained of everything. Now at 16 there is nothing left. I don't think anything can be found, resurfaced. It would take something really big to bring back feeling to my body. I don't think that something so grand exists in this world.
I don't think many people remember this day, but I do. How can I not? The constant yearning for something more, it reminds me. It always reminds me. It creeps in when I least expect it. Takes what I've spent so long trying to build up and completely destroys it. I can't keep living this way. My mind is going blank. My heart is breaking to pieces. I crave the things I once had. I believe in nothing. Everything flew away in just mere seconds.
I wish I could place it down to rest. Keep it away from damage. I try to solve the problem but I only bring the hurt. But today is a day of mourning. A day where my mind takes me back to that moment in my life that causes me so much pain. I am stuck reliving every detail of my tragic ending, of her tragic ending. They say life holds new gifts when an old one is packaged away. Where is my new gift? I keep hoping it's all a dream. That the last 8 years of my life never happened. That one day I will wake up to the smell of pancakes. Hear the sweet melody of her voice fill my ears. I know it won't happen, but it's the one thing I have left to hope for.
Flashback
"Britt come down here please!" Elizabeth Pierce called out to her daughter.
"Coming mommy!" She shouted back.
"Brittany Susan Pierce, have you been eating all the cookies?"
"Of course not mama" Brittany batted her eyelashes.
"Don't lie to me young lady" Elizabeth had a voice of seriousness.
"Mommy, lying is bad. I would never lie about something I did." Brittany put a sweet smile on her small face. Lying was something she was extremely good at. She knew her mother would notice the cookies missing and therefore confront her about it. Brittany loved attention. Especially from her mother. There wasn't anyone who was a bigger attention hog than Miss Brittany S. Pierce. She had taken to getting into trouble to get attention when being good was no longer working. To say Brittany was smart was an understatement. She was a genius and everyone and their grandmother knew it. It wasn't like Brittany didn't flaunt it everywhere she went.
"Britt you know mommy is really busy today. What do you insist on lying?"
"But I'm not. The gnomes ate them!" Brittany insisted.
"Do you really expect me to believe that young lady?" Elizabeth asked.
"Yes" Brittany replied bluntly.
"Ok sweetie. You wanna come with me to get some more?" Elizabeth inquired. She learned long ago to just let Brittany have her way.
"I would love to Elizabeth" Brittany said happily.
"Don't push it"
"Sorry mama" Brittany said with a pout.
"Come here munchkin" Elizabeth said while pulling Brittany into a hug and tickling her.
"Mommy stop, that tickles" Brittany cried out between her laughs.
"Let's go to the store my sweet girl"
End of flashback
As the memory faded away, I noticed the teacher looking at me expectantly.
"What?" I asked
"I said, do you know why the French Revolution started?" Mr. Dodson asked
"Because someone stole all the French fries?" I said. The class laughed while Mr. Dodson had an unamused look on his face. Now I knew the real reason the French Revolution started but I couldn't let them know that.
"Miss Pierce, while many of your classmates thought that was funny, I did not. I am giving you a choice, give me the right answer or get detention." The teacher exclaimed. I rolled my eyes. He thought he was so intimidating. Well, he wasn't, not even in the slightest bit.
"Well Joe, I think I did give you the right answer." I said
"I do not appreciate you undermining my authority young lady. I suggest you apologize this instant."
"Apologize for what? Having people realize that you're nothing but a pompous, sorry excuse for a teacher that needs to fix his toupée and get a life outside of torturing kids? Or that if it weren't for the fact, thankfully, that there is no other creep willing to teach a bunch of high schoolers history, you wouldn't have a job and you're way out of your league. Or that your wife is thinking about leaving you? The last time I checked, these were all things of your doing so no, I will not apologize. It's not my fault you have no life." I remarked. By this time his face was bright red and I am pretty sure I saw steam coming from his ears.
"Miss Pierce! To principal Lopez's office right now!" Mr. Dodson shouted. Many of the kids in my class were looking at me shocked. There were the few that had impressed looks on their faces. I ignored them all as I made my way to the principal's office, who at this moment, is the only person I know I can trust.
"Ah, Brittany. Long time no see." He said
"Hey Horacio"
"What happened this time?"
"Just Mr. Dodson being a prude. That's all." I said. He just sighed.
"Now Brittany, what did I say about messing with that poor man? You know he's sensitive."
"I know but he makes it so easy. It's not my fault he's a fucking moving target. I mean seriously, never have so many insults popped into my head when looking at one person. I just think he needs a life change. I mean honestly who wants to be in his position? I know I wouldn't." I explained
"Seems like you sure know a lot"
"I would say that, you would say that, everyone would say that." I bragged
"Well since you know so much and since I can no longer let you off with no punishment, I am going to make you a tutor." He said with a smirk on his face
"What! Are you serious?" I yelled
"Yes and I have the perfect person for you!" He said
"Oh, please enlighten me on who this perfect person is." I said less than enthused
"My lovely daughter, Santana. I'm sure you know her." My eyes widened so much I was sure it was comical. Never would I have guessed that would be the name that came out of his mouth. I'm not sure why I was so surprised though, she was his daughter after all.
"I don't think that's going to work out sir."
"Sir? What, do you have a problem with my daughter?"
"NO! It's just that she doesn't exactly like me"
"Well that won't be a problem at all. Santana will be overjoyed to be working with you. I'll make sure of it. You have nothing to worry about. Let me talk to her and we can get a schedule all mapped out." For some reason that didn't sound quite right to me but I wasn't going to say anything about it.
"Sure Horacio. Just let me know."
"Alrighty then. You can go back to class now Brittany. Thank you for your time."
"Anytime" I didn't really feel like going back to class. The room was too small and I always felt like I was suffocating.
Flashback
"Now Britt, we have to go to the bank first ok?" Elizabeth speaks carefully to her daughter, knowing she doesn't like to be delayed.
"But why!" Brittany speaks, anger evident in her tone.
"Because mommy needs money for the cookies sweety"
"That's dumb. You should have money, duh! What are you stupid!" Said the little girl with disdain
"Brittany! Watch your mouth right now or you won't go in with me!" Elizabeth said
"I don't want to go with you anyway!" Brittany screamed
"You know what, fine! If you want to be a spoiled brat then you can stay here." Elizabeth breathed
"Fine!" Huffed Brittany, she didn't want to be in there anyway. She watched as her mom walked into the bank. Maybe she should have been nicer, she was the reason they were here anyway. It's too late now she thought. Everything was said and done and she can always take it back when her mom gets back. If only she wasn't taking so long. Brittany was starting to grow impatient. When her mom got in the car she was gonna gi-
BANG!
End of Flashback
I don't know why I always go back to this. It happened. It's over. It doesn't matter. I always tell myself this but I can never seem to convince myself of its worthlessness. I guess that's because it's worth so much more than I know, it's everything. It's all I have left. It's all I can hold onto. Those last words. The words I never got to say. The ending I never saw coming. The beginning I'm still waiting to happen. It's all there, spinning around in my head. Making me dizzy, making me nauseous. Making me wish for something I can't have. Something I'm not allowed to have.
I'm doing it again. I'm remembering. I hate when this happens. I can never stop it. I don't want to remember. I don't want to hear the laughter that once flowed from my mouth. The love that was once felt worlds over. It makes me feel hollow, like I have nothing. But, I guess it's true. I have no one. All I am are those broken memories. The forgotten hope. The wishful thinking. All the dreams that will never be fulfilled. In reality, I am nothing.
I feel like this would be easier if I had someone to share the pain with but that ship has long since passed. So I suffer alone. It's the only way I know how. No one else understands how I feel. If they did, they would see how much I crumble everyday. How much of me is missing but, they don't. They can't. They have never had their everything ripped away from them in a matter of seconds.
What's the point of living. Like the real point. I always wonder what life has in store for me. That's when I realize, it's nothing. I have no meaning. So why be here? Why go through all the trouble? I don't know. I just don't know.
Flashback
Elizabeth walked into the bank thinking over the conversation with her daughter and not noticing the tension in the room.
"Stop moving!" A woman yelled causing Elizabeth to look up immediately, only to see a gun pointed at her face.
"I-I'm so-sorry!" Elizabeth stuttered out of shock
"Get down now!" The woman yelled. Elizabeth hesitated, the voice sounded familiar.
"I said get down!" Elizabeth knew that voice and she knew it very well.
"Judy? Judy Fabray?" Elizabeth said.
"Shut up! Just shut up right now!"
"Judy, what's going on?"
"I'm warning you, get down right now!" Judy states as she shakes the gun in Elizabeth's direction.
"You don't have to do this Judy. You can walk out of here right now before anyone gets hurt. Everything will be fine. I promise." Elizabeth tried to reason.
"Don't make promises you can't keep Elizabeth. Nothing will go back to normal. Everything will change!"
"Please, Judy, just listen. I will do everything in my power to make sure nothing happens to you."
"You promise?" Judy asked.
"I promise." Elizabeth said with sincerity
"NOW!" Someone yelled. Judy turned to see people running towards her. Her hand twitched on instinct, forgetting where she was pointing the gun.
"No-" Everything stilled as Elizabeth fell to the ground, blood rushing from her chest. The life leaving her eyes as quickly as the bullet pierced her skin. No one said a word, all speechless at the events that just took place.
"NO!" Judy yelled as she ran to Elizabeth's side. "Please, please, no. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. I promise. I promise." She whispered the last part just as the police came rushing in.
"Ma'am don't move! Put your hands where we can see them!" The chief screamed.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" Judy continued to cry.
"Ma'am, we're only gonna say this one more time. Put your hands up NOW!"
"I'm sorry" Those were the last words anyone heard before a gunshot rang out.
End of Flashback
There's nothing in this world that can describe pain, and I mean truly describe it. Every pain is different. Everyone feels it in a way no one else can. My pain, my pain feels like I'm getting ripped apart by a million rusty nails. Like my heart is getting scooped out by dirty spoons. If you know what it's like to hurt, to really hurt, then you can imagine my pain. If you know what it's like to lose everything you could ever ask for, then you can imagine my pain. If you have ever lost the one thing that means the most to you, then maybe, just maybe you can imagine how I feel. But how do I really feel? It's easy. I feel like you. I feel like I still don't know where to go.
Coward. That's the only word I can think of. It describes so many things. Me. You. Everyone. We are all afraid to do something. We are all cowards. I have accepted it, have you? Have you said to yourself "I'm a coward," I have. So many times have I said "Brittany Susan Pierce, you are a coward. You will never amount to anything. That's all you will ever be. A good for nothing coward, just face it." And I have faced it. That's why I must do this. I have to do this. I have to prove I'm not a coward. I have to go through with this. Here I go…
AN: Let me know if I should continue!