Chapter 2
"Holly, she's going to be okay," I heard Steve whisper into my hair as he wrapped his arms around me to stand me up. I just continued to sob into his shirt for a few minutes while he murmured into my hair that Gail is strong. That she'll pull through. All I can really concentrate on are on the noises coming from the machines. Because those blessed machines are what keeping her alive.
When I finally pulled away I finally asked, "What the happened Steve? Her torso is covered in bandages. Wasn't she wearing her fucking vest?"
As I finally was able to make myself take inventory of her injuries I became more and more confused and angry. Why wasn't she wearing that damn Kevlar vest? If she was than she would probably just have the thigh injury. She wouldn't be in such bad shape. And where the hell was her back up? Her partner.
As I softly caressed her cheek with my thumb I asked again, "What the hell happened?"
Steve softly said looking down at his feet, "She was chasing a drug dealer in to a house. Her partner was supposed to cover the back of the house. As soon as Gail entered the house she was basically ambushed. They fired armor piercing rounds, Holly. That's why her vest didn't protect her. She was hit in the abdomen and in the right thigh. The bullet nicked her liver and kidney. They had to remove her spleen to stop the bleeding. The wound to her thigh was the most serious of her wounds…"
"It hit the femoral artery, didn't it?" I murmured softly as I stared at her right thigh.
"Yes. She's had a few blood transfusions and right now she's sedated and on pretty powerful painkillers. In a way, you saved her life, Holly." Steve said softly.
"Me?" I asked confused.
"She told me about your first aid crash course. That's how she knew that she had to get a tourniquet on her thigh. If she hadn't done that she would have bled out. We weren't able to find her for ten minutes. The EMT's said she would be dead if she hadn't done that. I'm glad you came Holly. She doesn't say it but I know she misses you. She loves you. Your name was the last thing she said before she passed out for the last time. After that she was taken up for emergency surgery." Steve said softly
"Of course I came," I whimpered. I can't believe I was the last person she was thinking about. The tears started rolling down my face again. God, how was I so stupid to think she would go with on like nothing happened? Worst why was I so damn stupid for leaving her. I've wasted so much time. I still wonder how Steve knew she missed me? That she loved me? I mean still loved me. I couldn't help but wonder but before I asked my eyes landed on the worn journal on the tray and that's how I figured he knew how she felt. Gail wasn't a good communicator but from the little I've read I'm guessing she used that journal to get her feelings out. Undoubtedly Steve has at least read some of it. So instead I asked what was really driving me crazy, "Where was her partner?"
"Umm…well…. he's…. a…a… rookie," Steve stuttered.
"What the does that have to do with it? He followed her in, right?" I asked in confusion
"They got split up and the rookie said he couldn't find the house Gail ran into. He said he got turned around somehow. He was just supposed to make a right and drive into the alley. The house back door was accessible from there. Gail gave specific instructions but he screwed up. Gail was the one who radioed in for help. She used her own belt as a tourniquet on the thigh wound before she passed out." Steve said.
I just shake my head in disbelief. Yes, when I was with Gail I gave her an extensive first aid crash course. She didn't want to but she went along with it to please me. "Who was her partner?" I barked out.
"Roberts. But don't worry about it, Holly. I'll take care of him." Steve said.
"You better or I will." I growled. It's that stupid idiot's fault why Gail was in such bad shape.
She looked like she was just sleeping but all the tubes and IV's gave away her grave condition. I grabbed the hand that had no needles or tubes coming out of it. I pushed up the only plastic chair as close to the bed as possible and then I started talking to her. Hoping to see those beautiful blue eyes again.
"Hey, love. I missed you so much. Love you so much. I need you to get better. I've wasted so much time. I should of never have left you." I murmured as held her hand with both of mine.
I felt Steve squeeze my shoulder and murmured, "I got to make a few calls to update everybody. I'll be right outside if you need anything. Tracy should be here soon and Holly, don't forget to read that journal. You really need too."
I just shake my head and feel him leave the room. I just couldn't stop looking at her. She seemed to be stable for the moment. She didn't seem to be in pain. But still all I wanted was for her to wake up. I kissed her forehead and slumped into the chair I had moved next to her bed. God, I can't believe it took her almost dying for me to come to my senses. This is where I belong and I am not leaving her again. I just can't.
Now looking at her I've got the strongest urge to pray for her. I really haven't prayed often in my life but I've always believed there was a God. My mom was raised catholic so she did instill some of her believes in me. I guess in a time like this is when you really need to have some faith. Faith in Gail, faith that maybe just maybe the love you have for her will help her recover from this, faith that life wouldn't be so cruel and take her from me now that I've come to my senses. But the bottom line is that bad things happened to good people and I know there's evil out in the world. I've seen it for myself. On my slab. So, I prayed for all I was worth.
"God, I know I haven't really talked to you in a long time but I really need you to help me out on this one. You can't take her from me. Not yet. I need her. Please give her, us more time. She deserves that. I promise to take care of her, I promise to love her always. Protect her and heal her. Please. Amen." I whispered
My phone started beeping. Honestly I forgot all about it. The battery was dying so I stood up, grabbed my purse and looked for my spare charger. Thankfully I at least had that on me. I plugged it in and noticed I had several missed calls from my boss in San Francisco. I guess he's worried about me but he also wants to know when I'm going back. He's not going to be happy but I really don't care. I'll call him later and I'll email him my resignation soon. But right now, I don't want to think about that. All I want to think about is Gail.
I go back to stand by the bed and I can't keep myself from touching her. I caressed her hairline with my fingertips. From what I can see she kept her hair short. I can't help but smile as I remember her sitting in my bathtub with half of her hair chopped off as I tried to fix it. That was one of the best nights I've ever had. She allowed me to take care of her. Yes, there was a lot of kissing but it didn't go pass that. It felt like I would be taking advantage of her. She was freaking out because she got shot at and her friends were in the hospital. But she took a big step. Even though she blew me off when I went looking for her at the station the second time she made for it at the hospital. She hugged me so hard and introduced me to her brother and friend Chris. After that linked her fingers with mine and didn't let go the entire time we were there. So, after that I had hope that we would really work out.
And it was working out well. I was happier than I've ever been. But then that shit with Lisa happened and it ruined it. I should have stood up for her. I shouldn't have just placated Lisa to get through the night. The look in Gail's eye told me that she felt like I betrayed and hurt her. Her worst nightmare coming through. She wasn't good enough to be in relationship. I know she thought that maybe she really wasn't girlfriend material. Whatever the hell that meant. Stupid Nick got that in her head and I was trying so hard to make her realize he was wrong. Honestly, I just didn't handle the entire situation well. I called and texted and got no response. But I knew I had to go hunt her down to apologize and make things right.
But I didn't. Unfortunately, some of my fears took hold. I made a stupid excuse that Gail was probably just experimenting with me. I've slept with "straight girls" and it never ended well for me. So, stupid me did nothing.
And then she finally came looking for me and I blew her off. I guess I was trying to hurt her in some way. The same way she hurt me by ignoring me. But it was just a lie. I did go on a couple of dates but I just wasn't over Gail. So, the women I was seeing could see it all over my face that my heart was not in it and she ended it amicably. She actually suggested I go look for my ex.
And I did but it still ended badly. God, I don't know what I was thinking. Of course, Gail wasn't going to go with me. She had her life in Toronto. She had her job she was proud of, her friends, her life and is it turned her possible future. I must have lost my mind when I thought that Gail would follow me to San Francisco in two weeks. I guess maybe I thought she'd see things like I did. I've never really had a good enough reason to stay in one place. So, whenever I got offers I'd usually take them even if it meant moving. Don't get me wrong I usually made friends but after a year or so I'd just say goodbye. I never got really attached to anyone.
Not until Gail.
I can't help but shut my eyes and let the tears roll down my face as I hold her hand. There was damn good reason for me to stay and I threw it away. I left her and I respected her wishes not to contact her. But that didn't mean I didn't hear about her. Thankfully, Tracy took my new cell phone number and every couple of months I'd call her to see how things were. It was just a ruse. Tracy new perfectly well that all I was interested in was Gail. So, she would just tell about new cases and about her friends and once in a while she'd throw me a bone. Usually she'd just say that Gail was fine but that she missed me. That would make heart beat harder. Then I'd ask her if she told her that and Tracy would just say, "Let's just leave it at that." Cops stick together. That's for damn sure.
"Then what the hell went wrong?" I whisper into the room as I rub my thumb on top of the hand I'm holding. Even I know that when there are two exits in a dwelling cops sometimes split up to cover both of them and then they meet in the middle. At least it's what I think they do. So, where the hell was the rookie? Why did he jump into the car instead of running to the back door to make entry into the house? What are the chances that the one time the rookie fucked up Gail ended up entering a house with people that had armor piercing rounds? Something doesn't make sense. When Steve comes back I'm going to interrogate him.
The beeping of the machines finally brings me out of my thoughts. Shit she has an irregular heartbeat. I start pushing the call button while sobbing softly. I can't help to just start talking to her. "Gail love, please don't leave me. Please. I want to make things right. Please don't leave me."
I feel Steve come behind me so that he can move me away from the bed when the doctors and nurses ran into the room. Steve tries to take me out of the room as the tears run down my face but I won't let him move me. I'm not going anywhere. I keep talking, "Love fight. I know you're a fighter. Please."
I hear one of the doctors say that they have to take her back to the OR because they think they missed a bleeder. Goddamn it, why can't people do their job. There's nothing for me to do but watch them take her away as I sob quietly.
Steve simply wrapped an arm around me and whispered, "They couldn't keep her long under anesthesia. They closed her up before they could make sure they got everything. When she came out they told us it was possible they missed something but she went into cardiac arrest twice so they closed her up as soon as possible."
"But still they should have made sure they got everything. Fuck, she's going under again Steve. What if she doesn't come back." I sobbed. The tears just won't stop. How am I going to go on without her? I always took some comfort in knowing she was out there. Doing the job, she loved and that she wasn't alone. That she had her friends. Even though I knew that she probably had someone. I mean how could she not. Look at her. She's just so beautiful. My Gail has classic beauty. But that's just what's on the outside. She also had a wonderful heart she kept hidden from most.
I was lucky I got to see it. Very lucky.
Steve snaps me out of my thoughts when he handed me back the journal I had dropped on nightstand next to the bed.
"Read this. I'm going to make more phone calls. Got to tell everyone she's back in surgery. Tracy should be by soon." Steve said as he walked away from me.
There's nothing else for me to do but collapse in the hard chair and wait. After a few minutes, I looked down on my lap and see the brown worn journal Steve had handed me. I begin flipping pages slowly. In it there were the few news clips I was quoted or even just mentioned. One caught my eye because I could read in Gail's messy handwriting, "I'm so proud of you, Lunchbox."
I flipped a couple of pages and I came to an abrupt stop. Gail had written down the lyrics of a song that made my heart ache. I had actually been the one who had introduced Gail to the artist. She of course said that the artist was alright but that she doubted she'd become a huge fan. I guess she changed her mind.
There in Gail's writing was a song I've played hundreds of time since leaving Toronto. To tell you the truth it really didn't fit my circumstances because I was the one who walked away from her and not the other way around. The "Never Getting Over You" is basically the only thing that applied to me.
Never Getting over you by Colbie Caillat
You want the end to be easier than the start
I was a hopeful heart that you shattered apart
You want to say goodbye and disappear
Don't want to watch when I break down into tears
I won't try to make you stay
I won't even try to change your mind
Take a good look at the pain in my face before you walk away
Memorize all the hurt in my eyes or what I say
I'm gonna give you what you wanted but my heart will never stop
Tell you that I'm fine even though I'm not
You're gonna know for the rest of your life this is true
I'm never getting over you, you
I'm never getting over you, you
I won't pretend that I won't find someone else
You'll be a closed book sitting there on the shelf
I'll never have to open it again
To know the pages of the words of what could have been
I know where you're gonna be, where you're always gonna be
Right in front of me
Take a good look at the pain in my face before you walk away
Memorize all the hurt in my eyes or what I say
I'm gonna give you what you wanted but my heart will never stop
Tell you that I'm fine even though I'm not
You're gonna know for the rest of your life this is true
I'm never getting over you, you
I'm never getting over you, you
I can't stop, look for me and you can't stop
Me from loving you
Take a good look at the pain in my face before you walk away
Memorize all the hurt in my eyes or what I say
I'm gonna give you what you wanted but my heart will never stop
Tell you that I'm fine even though I'm not
You're gonna know for the rest of your life this is true
I'm never getting over you, you
(Not over you, not over you, not over you)
I'm never getting over you, you
(Not over you, not over you, not over you)
I'm never getting over you
Not over you, not over you, not over you
Not over you, not over you, not over you
Now as I read the lyrics in Gail's Journal I realize why it grabbed her attention. It fit what happened 6 months ago. She didn't say she loved me, she didn't ask me to stay but the look in her eyes and face told me that she was in pain and that I was the cause.
Jesus what have I done. I hurt the only woman that really mattered. My tears stain her pages.
At the bottom of the page she wrote:
"Lunchbox, I didn't have the guts to tell you while you were here but I love you. I think I loved you from the beginning but stupid me refused to acknowledge it. I miss you so much. I think I'll never get over you. I doubt I'll ever find anybody that could hold a candle to you but I want you to be happy. I want you to find someone that deserves you. That's why I didn't tell you how I felt and I didn't ask you to stay. You deserve so much better, Lunchbox. Be happy.
–G"
I can't read anymore. I'm crying so much that I can't see enough to continue reading. I softly close the journal and huge it to my chest and pray. Pray that she survives and gets better. Pray that I can make up for all the time lost. Pray that I can make her understand that she's such an amazing woman and that I'm so lucky that she loves me.
All I can do is pray.