Quick AN: I'm working on the chapters, I promise. I've got a lot of drama going on in my life and unfortunately RL does take priority over everything else. However, I am working on the stories. More on that at the end of this chapter.
Thanks to MamaRocks for an excellent Beta and some wonderful suggestions that made this chapter good enough for me to be satisfied with it. I seriously don't think you guys don't realise exactly how much you should be grateful for her. She pushes me and makes sure I'm working on the stories. She also makes it so much better with every suggestion she gives me (of which we have literally only disagreed on 2 things). She is the worlds best Beta and one of the best friends I could have!
Chapter 2 - Close Enough To Hurt Me
At around five in the morning, at least according the soft glow from Ianto's alarm clock, I woke up with a jolt. I wasn't sure what had brought me awake but I was somewhat shocked to find my body practically draped over Ianto's. Sometime within the past few hours we'd managed to gravitate towards one another in our sleep. There was nothing overtly sexual about it (at least not from what I could feel of his body and definitely not from mine) and Ianto was still out cold. With my arm clutching him across his chest and my head nestled in the crook of his shoulder, it felt more as if my mind had decided to try to tether and protect him. I was amused that it had happened, especially with the height and muscle advantage he had over me.
My instinctive behaviour to protect him from his own disastrous actions was quite obviously futile or ironic, though I wasn't sure which. His emotional mind was at war with the strict discipline that he had been cultivating for a very long time. For all I knew he'd been training himself to handle all of the problems in his life with the same demeanour since he was a child.
Unfortunately, I was fairly certain that even he wasn't aware of how often his control would fade in wake of his emotions. I'd seen it myself barely two weeks prior when he'd hauled off and punched Jack. I don't think I'd ever witnessed Ianto even remotely angry before that night.
Right now, he was so far in the wellspring of despair that he wasn't even able to see how deep he'd fallen. My instinctive desire to protect him wasn't about to negate that fact no matter how much I tried. Eventually he was going to have to face the truth.
Still half asleep I started to pull away slowly, trying not to awaken him in the process. The moment I unclenched my arm and began to slide away, Ianto moaned and then whimpered aloud. The sound actually raised the hair on the back of my neck, sending chills down my spine. Either I really had been keeping the nightmares at bay, or he'd already been having them and that was what had pulled me from my slumber in the first place.
I listened to him for a few minutes as he woke up a bit more with each sound that escaped his lips. The cries worried me, sounding so much like he was trying to ward off something dark that had already been let into his soul, something he couldn't get rid of. As I stared at him I noticed several tears fall from the corner of his eyes and beads of sweat build up on his forehead.
Just as I was beginning to think about reaching over and shaking him conscious, he sat straight up in bed knocking me completely away while a harsh scream ripped from his throat. After a moment the sound seemed to catch, cutting off just as abruptly as it had started. His eyes shot around the room, panic evident in them as he took in his surroundings, his lungs drawing in air so fast that I thought he might actually hyperventilate. He began to shiver from the cold air when it hit his sweat soaked skin.
His gasping didn't cease at all as I shifted closer to him and tentatively reached for his hand. I had no idea how he was going to react to me but I knew I had to try something. He looked completely freaked out, almost as if he was still locked in whatever nightmare had gripped him. When my fingers slid over the back of his clenched fist, the first thing I noticed was how cold it was. I felt him startle for a moment before he hesitated and opened it to wrap his hand around mine. I saw him shudder and drop his head towards his chest, my eyes still not fully adjusted to the darkness did not allow me to distinguish the expression on his face.
His hand tightened its hold on mine and I heard him take a few calming breaths before turning towards me. I felt a shiver run down my spine as the strength of his grip brought an unsettling thought to mind. I struggled momentarily, a brief internal debate raging throughout me on whether or not I should invade his privacy.
Something about it just didn't feel right.
It was only after I realised that Ianto had invited me in…that he'd practically begged me to stay over, when I knew I was right to worry. After all, he had to have known that I might see him in his most vulnerable state. Especially since his reactions suggested this had happened before…quite obviously many times.
"That's not the first time you've had a nightmare since you've been put on leave is it Ianto?"
Ianto drew in a deep breath of air, then let it out with a sardonic chuckle as he turned to look at me. My eyes were beginning to adjust to the limited moonlight that was coming through his window and suffusing throughout the room so I was actually able to see how pale he was. His temples were still wet from tears he'd cried while he'd been asleep, but it was the expression on his face that haunted me the most. His features were twisted with so much pain and heartache that I nearly wanted to burst out crying myself.
He stared into my eyes for a long time, so long in fact, that I was beginning to grow tired again. I may have even begun to drift off just sitting there next to him with our eyes locked together.
Then he pulled his legs up tight, resting his head on them as his gaze flickered away from mine and I heard him speak in a hushed tone. I had never quite heard his voice sound like this, with so many emotions coating it and making him almost hoarse. If I had to describe it for anyone, I would say it was a mixture of not only pain and aggravation, but a slight thread of panic as well. Almost as if he wasn't sure how I was going to react to what he was about to say.
"I've been having these bloody nightmares since the Cybermen showed up and Torchwood One came crashing down around me in a symphony of flames and screams. The dreams...they used to...well, they used to be ju-just about that day..." he closed his eyes briefly, perhaps realising he'd actually stuttered, and turned back just enough for me to see with the moonlight that he was trying (and failing) to fight back tears.
"All I can think about is how I begged her to leave with me before it all went to hell. I tried everything I could but she wouldn't do it. She was so certain that Yvonne knew what she was doing and that the evil bitch wouldn't let it go too far. Then when things began to grow even worse she still wouldn't leave! She was so bloody convinced that the fucking Doctor would jump in to save the day before anyone got hurt. She wouldn't listen to anything I said."
I reached out, brushing away a tear as it travelled down his cheek. His eyes shuttered closed, more drops falling from them when the lids met one another. He pushed my hand away gently and then in the total opposite of how he'd handled me, angrily brushed the rest of the tears away, rubbing hard at his cheeks. It was a useless gesture as they were already tapering off, his irises misty but the moisture no longer threatening to spill over.
"I'm just so...so bloody..."
I could tell from the look on his face that he had no idea how to describe what emotions were running through him. Unfortunately, I knew them quite well. I'd felt them every single time my mother was mentioned or brought up by someone in the family, or someone who didn't know what I had done.
Once you've committed treason to save someone you love, you never forget the feelings that go with it.
"You're angry at her...and because of that fury, that absolute rage that courses through your veins, you feel guilty and ashamed that you couldn't save her. But more than anything, even more than your anger, you also blame her because she wouldn't listen to you. You blame her because you know for a fact that she put herself into that position. Am I right?"
Ianto nodded in response to my question, his eyebrows furrowing before turning towards me again, his head once more resting on his knees. But there was something else there as well. He was also looking at me strangely, almost as if he'd never really seen me before. I honestly wasn't sure if he was going to tell me what was going through his mind, or even what he dreamt about. I could tell he was curious, that he wanted to deflect and was going to ask how I knew, but I shook my head gently as he opened his mouth to speak.
A part of me was relieved to see him like this. For the first time this night I was viewing him and the way he was actually handling things. I knew that anger was a normal part of one of the healing process. I was fairly certain that whatever his dreams were, they were also helping him release a part of those emotions. Ianto had held so much inside, so much pain and unsurety for the past few months. Then out of virtually nowhere his entire life plan had disappeared within hours.
In an instant he'd lost everything and practically everyone he'd loved and trusted.
It was almost reassuring to see the mask that had covered his emotions all night crumble. It was as if it was an affirmation of his capability to move on. There was a chance, however small it may seem, that he just might make it through this and end up stronger then before it had all happened.
Now I was seeing him without those barriers and I knew without a doubt that Ianto had been hiding behind a façade. Everything about the way he was reacting now was proving to me that he was deeply hurting. No matter how much he tried to hide it from the rest of the world, he was no longer trying to hide it from me. Apparently this past night has somehow assured Ianto that the tentative friendship we had been building over the past few months could now be relied upon. It was almost reassuring to know that I had somehow managed to make it into the small circle of people that Ianto trusted. I wasn't about to threaten that by pointing out some of the realities that he was obviously still refusing to admit to.
I sighed with relief, not realizing until that moment exactly how much I hated that cover that he'd held onto so tightly. I'd settle for what he was giving me now. Maybe another day I would lead him to those other truths. What really made me worry was how much Ianto was blaming himself for everything. He wasn't just taking responsibility for what had happened the night at the Hub, but it was as if he truly believed that he was to blame for every horror he'd experienced in his life as well.
"Why do you blame yourself for every part of it Ianto? You say you tried everything to get her out of there. If she didn't pay attention to you then it was her fault for not listening."
Ianto actually snorted and shook his head as he heard my words. Obviously this was something he disagreed with me on. I didn't know if it was just because it was so ingrained in his mind at this point or if he just couldn't believe otherwise, but his thoughts were just so damaging.
"Most of the time, when I think back, I can barely recall what happened that day. I only remember bits and pieces...like shots from a movie that I didn't pay much attention to coming back to me out of sequence. From the time after, when I was calling for help and trying to get Lisa out of there, the memories come back more fractured...sort of like broken glass that I'm trying to piece back together."
I saw his eyes close as a grimace passed quickly over his features. The smile that came to his lips was frighteningly grisly. If I had been paying better attention or been more awake I may have been able to see an echo of his personality that he kept hidden from the rest of us. Perhaps, the part of him that he used to hide behind his pain. When he spoke again, it took everything inside of me to not react to the gravelly quality of his voice.
"However, there are two moments in time that I remember with absolute clarity from that day. The first is how something inside of me just knew we were in trouble. I remember closing my eyes and rubbing them, trying to rid myself of the pictures that had suddenly been forced into my mind. Even with all that bloody psychic training I had received, I'd never before experienced anything like it. I saw it begin...before it happened."
Ianto's eyes opened suddenly as he straightened his spine and stared at me almost fearfully. I knew what was running through his mind. We'd all seen the pamphlets that were handed out to most Torchwood employees about psychic abilities and how the person should be taken and studied. It took me a moment to react, knowing that Jack would never put Ianto into such a situation.
Torchwood Three was different. Ianto had either forgotten that fact, or hadn't paid enough attention in the time he'd spent there to realise just how much Jack ignored most of the 'normal' rules. He may follow the motto of 'If it's alien, it's ours' but he didn't maltreat someone for abilities they may or may not have.
I reached out and took Ianto's hand again, cradling it softly within both of my own. I could only hope that Ianto would actually listen when I softly whispered to him.
"Ianto, you should know by now that you don't have to worry about that when it comes to Jack. If you don't want to...er, tell him, I'll keep it quiet. I promise."
I gripped his hand tightly and leant forward so he could hopefully see the sincerity in my eyes through the darkness. I tried to keep my voice steady as I continued on, knowing he craved the reassurance, but also needing to hear the rest of what he was going through.
"However, you may want to tell him someday Ianto. At least so he knows what type of training you've been through. We didn't find anything like that in your file and I'm not sure if that was a good or bad sign. But please...please keep going. I really think you need to continue with what happened. It may help you get a better nights rest in the future if you talk about this."
Ianto sighed, relaxing back against his headboard with obvious relief and gripped my hand tightly. I could tell that the longer he was awake, the easier it was for him to distance himself from his original disorientation. Unfortunately for me, I was beyond exhausted, but I forced myself to stay alert, knowing he needed to talk. He straightened his legs, stretching them out and pulling me to sit next to him against the headboard, still holding my hand as he went back to talking about what had happened.
"Well...after I saw that in my mind...I just knew we had to get out of there. I left everyone in the room and just took off running towards Lisa's department. I knew that I had to get her out."
Ianto sighed again, another strange expression crossing his features as he drew in a deep breath and glanced at me askance. I'm not sure why he was so hesitant when he'd already told me he was practically bloody psychic but for some reason whatever he had to say next, seemed to be harder. Almost as if he thought I wouldn't believe him.
"The second and only other thing I remember with clarity was, in a sense, actually meeting the Doctor. When they'd gone by our office earlier, everyone in there had run to the door to see him...including me, but he hadn't even bothered to glance our way. However, while I was on my way to Lisa, I suddenly had to stop because I'd spotted Yvonne walking down the hallway with the Doctor. Their distance gave me just enough time to compose myself and pretend as if I wasn't panicking over something no one else knew about. It was so strange. I mean..."
Ianto stopped, his voice trailing away with confusion. I nudged his shoulder with my own and he turned towards me, the moonlight highlighting his face so that I could actually see the puzzlement reflected in his eyes. His eyebrows drew together and I could sense that this was something he struggled with, even to this day.
"...the moment the Doctor saw me in that hallway, he stared at me so intensely that I began to grow uncomfortable. I thought that maybe he could tell I had sensed the danger we were about to be in. But the way he was looking at me wasn't like he knew I had this secret. He was actually staring at me with confusion."
I heard Ianto chuckle acerbically before drawing in another deep breath to continue.
"He had these stupid bloody 3-D glasses that he was holding tightly in his fist, but when he looked at me he nearly dropped them. It was almost as if...well, as if he knew me. When they walked past where I was standing, he kept his eyes locked on mine and I could almost swear he started to reach over and grab me...or something to that effect. I don't know why, but I felt my own hand start to reach out as well. I was just barely able to rein it in, only realising and pulling it back a second before I made contact. The moment they were out of sight I felt my legs give out and I collapsed against the wall behind me."
His eyes bored deeply into my own again before he spoke in a soft almost lilting voice.
"It is my fault Tosh. I may blame her in my mind, but in my heart I know the blame really rests solely on me. If it hadn't taken me so bloody long to get my senses back after the Doctor knocked them so off kilter or if I had only been able to convince her..."
Ianto shook his head suddenly, his eyes staring out the window as he held up his free hand in surrender.
"Before that incident in the hallway, I was just as enamoured by him as everyone else. After that incident, the very instant he was gone, I knew that I never wanted to see him again. I spent nearly five minutes just sitting there trying to figure why he had stared at me and acted so...so strangely. All that time...wasted, when I should have just kept running and dragged her out. I should have done anything I could."
Ianto shuddered, his voice dropping to a whisper. I could tell that he was growing tired again, despite the fact that we still hadn't fully discussed his nightmares. I vaguely remembered him stating that these were just the ones from before the night that Lisa took over the Hub, which meant that there were obviously other dreams tormenting him now.
"I had no idea what was going to happen and only brief flashes of the trouble that was about to start. I knew the Doctor's reputation."
I grasped his hand tighter and nudged against his shoulder again, trying to smile soothingly as I faced him. I knew that the light from the window was behind me, but hopefully his eyes had adjusted by now enough to see it.
"Jack has always been so disconnected and supportive of that bloody man, but to me he's the embodiment of everything that's wrong in the world."
I felt the smile disappear from my face quickly as those words came from his lips. I'd met an earlier incarnation of the Doctor myself and I hadn't had nearly the traumatic experience that Ianto had. Still, even though he was (and wasn't) the same man Ianto met, I got the feeling that he didn't really instigate situations. It was more that he just had bad luck himself when it came to what time period he was landing in.
I closed my eyes for a moment in order to compose myself hoping that the darkness of the room would cover my reaction. Unfortunately, the sky had actually begun to lighten up so the best I could really hope for was that he wouldn't be looking directly at me. After all, I knew if I brought my opinion into this conversation, Ianto would probably close himself right out of it.
When I opened my eyes I realised I needn't have worried. Ianto was yawning dazedly while his fingers rubbed hard against his eyelids. Apparently our limited amount of sleep was beginning to catch up to him the same way it was hitting me.
"Ever since that night, the nightmares have alternated. Sometimes I'm at Canary Wharf and sometimes it's the Hub. The dreams in the Hub always involve Lisa using one of you lot as her new body. Most often Jack, but everyone's played a part...even Suzie. That one doesn't so much scare me as make me madder at both of them for being weak, traitorous, or just plain stubborn. But it replays over and over in my dreams, each time changing as I try to fix it and get it right just one time."
Ianto sighed, laying back down as he turned away from me. Obviously he was done talking.
I didn't mind all that much. Three hours of sleep does not make for a good night's rest. It was only as I was lying back down that I heard Ianto muttering. His voice was low as if he was trying to make sure I didn't hear it or he wasn't realising he was actually speaking aloud. Nonetheless, I heard him quite clearly.
"Just one fucking time...is that too much to ask from you, you bloody idiotic brain in my head?"
I smiled to myself and rolled over towards Ianto, spooning up behind him. He tensed momentarily, then relaxed into the embrace. Once more I felt the irony of my mind's instinct to try to protect him. If I could just help him accept it, if only Jack would see Ianto for who he actually was, if, if, if...
There were just too many factors right now that weren't being taken into account. I definitely wasn't a therapist, but I knew Ianto needed more help than even he might be willing to admit to.
TBC
AN: Just to let everyone know, I really haven't forgotten about this fic or the sequel to Anticipation. I'm even more determined to get them working especially since I saw Torchwood: Miracle Day. I can honestly say that was the absolute worst series of Torchwood that I'd ever seen. No offence to anyone who actually liked it, but I seriously didn't...
Anyway, just to let you know I have been working on these for a while and I was having issues with this and Chapter 3 sounding right in my mind. I finally sent it to my wonderful Beta, MamaRocks and she told me I was over analyzing it...lol. So I'm nearly done with Chapter 3 and will hopefully get it to MamaRocks as soon as possible.