Diary of Pain
Disclaimer: Me no ownage. The song is called "Diary of Jane" by Breaking Benjamin. Here's to clear things up: Instead of Jane, the word is Pain, because Murtagh wouldn't fit in with the melody of the song, and thus Pain is what Eragon calls Murtagh in the song….example: "I will try to find my place in the diary of pain!" means that Eragon is trying to find a place in Murtagh's heart/diary! Okay then, here we go!
Eragon POV
I watched him go, I wished that we could be with each other longer, but we would both be in trouble if we did. Stupid war, stupid Galbatorix, stupid Fate. I would gladly go with him, but I would be at the mercy of the wicked king himself, and then Alagaesia would be lost.
But if it weren't for him, I'd go wherever Murtagh went and never leave him again.
If I had to, I would put myself right beside you, so let me ask: would you like that? Would you like that? And I don't mind if you say this love is the last time, so now I'll ask: do you like that? Do you like that?
No!
Something's getting in the way; something's just about to break! I will try to find my place in the diary of Pain. So tell me how it should be!
I don't care what Galbatorix thinks, he shall die, he shall pay for making me part with my brother, my lover.
I snuck inside the castle quietly and hid from the few servants up and about. I slid into my room and wanted nothing more than to be out on the battlefield again, with him, only him.
I sighed and knew that I would have to wait. But I didn't like waiting.
I threw myself on my bed and sat staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep. How could I? After that day, my dreams will be full of my memories and I will long for what I cannot have.
'Murtagh' I think and groan, longing for his touch, his taste.
But then a thought entered my mind. Before the battle, I was worried because I liked him, even loved him! But I was worried because I didn't want him to know, for surely he would reject me, surely he would find it vile and corrupt, wouldn't he?
Ah, but alas, while we were fighting he pried open my mind, much against my will, but that day I was feeling weak and tired, I blame it on my restless sleep the night before.
Anyways, he saw what I felt for him, and I could feel his interest and joy, but Saphira crashed into Thorn and he saw my stunned and terrified expression. I knew what was coming, he would be angry, he would be disgusted, revolted, but he wasn't.
The look on his face was amusement and joy; like he was glad I liked him in that way! But then it could be a trap, he could be sick in the head and use it against me, I had to keep fighting him.
I caught him then, cut him on the shoulder and I was triumphant, he was shocked but then cut me right back! It hurt, and he bound my magic! That little cheater…
But anyways, it came as a surprise when he suddenly pushed me backwards while Saphira was literally flying sideways because Thorn was pushing us closer to the ground, I had no idea what he was going to do, but I definitely didn't expect him to cut the straps that held me in place and send me falling to my almost certain death!
Luckily though, we were close enough that it only hurt a little, but my sword flew out of my hand and when he went to retrieve it, I saw him standing there, smirking down at me, with my sword!
I was freaking out, how could this happen? What is he going to do to me? Will he kill me? Will he take me prisoner and make me Galbatorix's slave like him?
I kept wondering these things as he dragged me into the forest and then somehow broke my leg so I couldn't run away. I crawled away from him until I almost crashed into a boulder.
He was right in front of me and the boulder was behind me, I had no where to run. I braced myself for the final blow, but it never came. Instead, I felt his hand on my leg. Woah! Danger alert! Danger alert! My mind was screaming, but I couldn't move.
He ran his hand up to my chest, and then up to my face, I tried not to freak out while on the inside I was screaming with terror. And then he started kissing my neck! What's going on here!?
Then he started kissing me and he tasted so good! I couldn't help myself, whether this was a trap or not I just had to have him right then and there! But then I realized something, we're brothers! Enemies! I was glad he felt the same way about me, but we could never be together for real. It hurt so much, I didn't even realize I was crying until he looked into my eyes and asked what was wrong.
Those hazel eyes, so full of love and concern, I almost melted. We lay there together then, and I wished that we could lay together forever. But then after a while he grinned at me and we went at it!
I never felt so much pleasure and pain at the same moment before, it was exhilarating! I can barely remember what happened; only that I clung to him and made sure he couldn't get away while he did the same to me.
I was almost sad when it was over, but I was exhausted, and so was he, and I guess we fell asleep in each other's arms, because the next thing I knew I was waking up to him telling me I had to leave.
But I didn't want to go, I never wanted to leave him, I wanted to stay by his side forever, but he said we couldn't, we'd get in trouble, and he was right, as always.
I now lay here, wondering what exactly was going through his mind during all this, he said he loved me, I almost cried again when he said it. I was the happiest man in the world right then.
But still I wonder, what's he thinking now? Was it all just a cruel and twisted trick? I didn't want to think so, but I couldn't help but wonder at why he did it…
Try to find out what makes you tick as I lie down, sore and sick. Do you like that? Do you like that? There's a fine line between love and hate and I don't mind. Just let me say that I like that! I like that!
I almost liked the cruel realization that we were brothers and we could never be, it made me all the more determined, it made the risk all that more exciting. It made life worth living for, knowing that if only I could free you and end this reign of terror, we could really be together, Murtagh.
But there was one thing in the way…
Something's getting in the way; something's just about to break! I will try to find my place in the diary of pain! As I burn another page, as I look the other way, I still try to find my place in the diary of pain. So tell me how it should be!
I don't care that we're brothers, so long as we can be together. I think this angrily as I sit up and pace around my room. Nasuada will ask me questions about what happened, but should I really tell her the truth?
I'm not so sure she could handle it, so I won't. I'll tell her we fought and I chased him away, yeah, and I was merely recovering during the night because I was tired and sore. That would work.
The sun was blinding me, high in the sky, by the time a servant knocked on the door and told me what I already knew: Nasuada wanted to talk with me.
Of course, take me to her.
We walked quietly as I got my story straight. We came to the door and low and behold, there's Arya right next to Nasuada, both looking grave and serious.
I should have known, I used to have a crush on Arya, I thought I even loved her. But then I realized that it was only my subconscious trying to hide my feelings about Murtagh. I didn't know he was my brother then, so it really didn't seem that bad, but then when he told me…
I went berserk, haywire, my circuits sparked and my brain was trying to throw itself out of my head. I was so confused!
It was then I realized that I only used Arya to cover up my feelings, so smart is my subconscious, if only I could gather that intelligence and use it to my advantage.
Oh I tried, believe me, I laugh at myself now, but I tried, using whatever I could, even magic! But that only made me go insane for a few days, or am I still insane?
I wonder at this notion but then snap back to cruel reality when Nasuada repeats her question.
"Eragon! What happened yesterday? I saw you and Murtagh fighting, and then your dragons disappeared for a while, then they reappeared, but I didn't see you or him! Tell me what happened!" she asked angrily, it was clear that she was losing her patience with me.
I flashed her a sheepish smile. "Sorry, milady. I didn't mean to worry you." I began. "We were fighting in the air, away from the battlefield as not to hurt anyway below, and then we landed and started fighting on the ground. It was grueling and I finally managed to drive him away, but I was really sore and tired, as well as Saphira, so we took the night to heal our wounds and rest." I told them with a proud smile.
They sat silent for a while, regarding me, I know, to see if I spoke the truth. Arya looked as if she knew there was more to the tale, but didn't say anything. Nasuada sighed and said, "Very well, but are you sure he's gone?"
I nodded, not too quickly and not to hesitantly. I made sure he didn't come back, just in case it really was a trap, in which case I would have gladly severed his head and handed it to her on a silver platter, I thought about saying all this to her, but then decided against it.
We might have him as an ally soon, and my behavior will already be different without me trying to live two different lives at once. I tried it once, and it didn't work too well…
"Well, that's good, yesterday was a mess since no one knew what became of you two, we were about to retreat when the empire saw Saphira and Thorn fighting, and then saw Thorn crash down and not come back up. They retreated and we were very happy, but we didn't know if you survived or not." Nasuada was saying.
"So how did you know I was here this morning?" I ask her, still wondering about this. "A sentry saw you and Saphira returning earlier this morning and I assumed you would be in your room." She replied a little too coolly. Hmmmm, not good.
"Okay then, well, I'm going to go train or something then, if he comes back with another army or anything happens please let me know." I say quickly and try to get out of there. I bow and then head for the door before Arya speaks.
"Eragon, is there something you would like to tell us?" she asks calmly. I grit my teeth but turn and smile innocently at them.
"Not really, I'm fine. Don't worry about me." I say to convince them. It occurs to me that they could be worried about how I'm taking the whole My-Brother-Is-The-Enemy thing, and I smile to show them it's not that bad.
Of course not even I would fully be convinced, but they seem too wary to push me, but I expect Arya will want to "chat" later on. That's fine, I don't mind, but she'll get the same thing…
"Well, I expect that Galbatorix will soon tire of constantly sending his army to attack us and Murtagh to capture you, and if he comes himself, will you be ready?" Nasuada asks me, concern seeping into her solemn tone.
I smile and try not to show my bitterness, but whether they see it or not doesn't really matter. I think of how easy and peaceful things would become once Alagaesia is rid of Galbatorix, how I could be with Murtagh until I eventually die once he's free from that mad man's control.
"Yes, more than ready." I say venomously. I don't give them much time to react as I turn on my heel and leave. I don't care if it's rude, and I'll apologize to Nasuada later on, as I always do. I just need to go train. I need to focus all my hate and rage into defeating Galbatorix when he eventually comes.
I will defeat him, no matter what, even if I have to die with him, if I can at least free Murtagh and Alagaesia from his hold I'll be able to die happy, if not…
As I train vigorously I see that some of the Varden are curious about me and my absence from the battle the day before, or slightly wary. I don't care, I only think of my opponents and my targets.
I train with my sword, but no one is much of a match for me. I train with my arrow until I have gone well above anyone else of the Varden's skills, and I practice my magic. Trianna provided somewhat of a challenge at first, but then she was easily overcome and I resolved to meditate like Master Oromis instructed me.
It was late in the evening, about the same time me and Murtagh joined our bodies together I reflected, that Arya appeared and sat next to me.
I felt her presence and I made her wait a while longer before I came out of my trance.
"Yes?" I asked. I knew she'd come for me. I was ready for her though.
"Eragon, would you like to train with me? I noticed that not many people of the Varden are much of a match for you, and I know that you are determined in winning against Galbatorix. Maybe I can help." She replied.
I was a little surprised, but didn't show it. I nodded and we both stood. I unsheathed my sword and got ready while she did the same. The first time we fought I was no match for her, but now, with all the changes I've been through; it is almost the other way around.
I am at least glad she is stronger and more of a challenge than anyone in the Varden, because I knew that Galbatorix would be much harder to defeat. And it is my sole purpose in this world to defeat him, so I must be ready.
We clash and I work up a good sweat before she is defeated. Yes, she definitely helped me in my training. Then we went to bow and arrow training. Hitting moving targets perfectly, hitting stationary targets that were far away and so small I could barely see them.
All in all the first two parts of the training session was a good challenge.
But then came the test of her magic against mine. I had learned a lot from Oromis, the Cripple Who Is Whole, but Arya is a true elf, the masters of magic, and the daughter of the Queen, no less!
It was exceptionally hard to defeat her, and she definitely made me think way outside of the box for the most part. I grew quicker at defending and protecting myself, and guessing at her next attack, I even slipped through the barriers of her mind once or twice, only to be thrown halfway across the field before I even got a good enough peek.
In other words, it was difficult, but I managed to survive somehow. It was good for me to do this, especially today. I was glad she decided to help, and expressed my thanks to her.
"You are welcome, Argetlam. I only want to help you so that you can free your brother and destroy Galbatorix before he destroys Alagaesia." She said and walked fluidly away before I even registered what she meant.
Darn it! I found myself furious, not only at myself, but at her. How dare she pry open my mind and see what she should not have seen!? Sure I did it to her, but I was training, I had every right, and she pushed me away then as well!
But to force the knowledge out of my own mind when I didn't want to tell her anyway was infuriating me! I almost went after her and attacked her, but then I realized how childish I have become.
Desperate, I will crawl. Waiting for so long. No love, there is no love! Die for anyone, what have I become!?
Arya is a very old and very wise elf, even though she looks young. Maybe she just figured it out, I'm sure I was a little obvious about my feelings. And even if she did pry open my mind, it's not like she would tell everyone that I had a crush on my own brother!
And also, maybe she didn't exactly know I really did love Murtagh, maybe she just thought that I would want to free him because, uh hello! He is my brother, why wouldn't I want to free him?
Obviously he didn't want to pledge loyalty to Galbatorix and the Empire, I think just about everyone with a good enough head on their shoulders knows that! So it wouldn't be all that surprising if I wanted to free him from his bonds and wished for him to join the Varden.
A lot of people would probably be glad that they had two Riders against the powerful Rider King, even though he was somewhat of a traitor. It is power people really want and are afraid of, so I managed to calm myself.
Man, what happened to me? I suddenly didn't know myself at the moment. I should really get some rest before I go truly insane. I think this as I trudge towards my room.
Oh how I wish that he would be there to comfort me, but alas, my hope plummets back down to the pit of my stomach when I swing open the door to an empty room and even emptier bed (besides the sheets, that is).
I sigh and decide to change that last fact as I slump down onto my bed and close my eyes. No need to take off my clothes and get under the covers, I could barely move and was content how I was.
Besides, I'd move around while asleep any way. But for now, rest, tomorrow will be another day to figure out what I'm going to do…
Something's getting in the way; something's just about to break! I will try to find my place in the diary of pain! As I burn another page, as I look the other way, I still try to find my place in the diary of Pain!
-Author's Note: So what'd you think eh? Is it good, bad, too OOC, not so OOC? Please tell me what you think in your reviews, any questions you have I will try to answer, and if you just have to know what will happen next just tell me and I'll make it into a story. Well, thanks for reading! Peace out!-