A/N: So I had this idea on the bus, to continue writing this idea, only on a lot of different characters. Hope you like it. And I'm sorry in advance if this is perceived as Alanna-bashing. I didn't mean to.
Alanna stared at her hands in grief. It had taken a long time before should could even think of her husband without tears forming in her eyes, and even now, years later, time had not erased the hurt that she felt inside.
The period of time just after they were married was the happiest time in her life. And the novelty had never faded. With George, she could never be unhappy for long. She was content; she had everything she had ever dreamed of.
She had once thought that those years of joy, of happiness beyond compare, were somehow meant to balance the overwhelming grief that she felt now. However, it didn't work as planned. Remembering those happy days did not comfort her; they only made her feel the void even more harshly. For what was her life now? Her children were grown; they had no need for her. And with the realm finally in peace, there was no real work for a king's champion.
Somehow, her thoughts drifted back to her youth. She couldn't help but remember Jonathon, and the love she felt for him. He had asked her to marry him; she might have said yes, she could have said yes. At the time, she thought that life as his wife would be impossible. Seeing him with Thayet had confirmed it, but now, she wasn't so sure.
She couldn't help but think that maybe, if she had married Jonathon, things would have turned out differently. She wouldn't feel this ache, the grief of knowing that her husband was dead and buried somewhere, worlds away, and the fact that she never said a proper goodbye.
She hadn't married Jonathon, because she was afraid of being unhappy—no, afraid of change. She was afraid of having to change herself, afraid that if she did, something inside her would snap, and she would no longer be protected from all of the grief she was hiding, all the sorrow she felt from the deaths of her friends and family.
Some good that had done her; here she still was, wallowing in sorrow. She had not wanted to change for love; Jonathon would not either. They were too alike, both too headstrong. And yet George had changed everything for her—he had given up the only life he knew, without her having to ask. Seeing that now, she felt guilty. She had never allowed herself to change for anyone, not even when they asked. At the time, she though it was because she wanted to be in control of her life. She could see now that she had been selfish.
Now, more and more the grief of losing Jonathon, though felt long ago, reemerged. Overwhelming regret filled her; for the life she could have lived, the life she refused. Maybe if she had married him, everything would have been different; George would have still been alive, would still have been her friend. She could never know the truth, but the thought would haunt her forever.
A/N: Next showing: Baird of Queenscove and Ilane of Mindelan! Don't forget to review, and feel free to suggest pairings!