Thought 1: What are we?

Have you ever been in such an awkward but beautiful relationship between yourself and someone else? It sounds really strange when describing what we are honestly, I mean, we've been family friends since... well... diapers and now we've grown up, both twenty years old, and now we're friends with benefits but we're low key dating but we're just childhood friends? Why can't we just be one or the other? I feel like that would make me feel more at ease with myself and how I feel about him when we hang out. I know what you're thinking... Gwen, why don't you just ask him? Why don't you just make it official yourself? Well... It's not that easy you see...

15 years earlier

"We are inviting Duncan to the party right?" my mom says to me with a smile on her face. I nod and giggle in response and write his name down on my invitation list. I'm turning five years old in a few weeks and I couldn't be more excited to spend it with my best friends that I met in my preschool! My list isn't very big, but that doesn't matter because the people who really matter are on there:

Bridgette

Leshawa

Courtney

Izzy

Trent

DJ

Geoff

Owen

Duncan

I smile and hug the list, just thinking about how amazing this party is going to be! I want everything to be blue, green, and red this year since I am a huge fan of the Powerpuff Girls and how strong and awesome they are. Fighting crime and beating up the bad guys! My mommy takes my list of people I want to invite and ruffles my hair.

"This is going to be a great party I can already tell"

"Of course mama! 'Specally if Duncan is dere!" I say innocently and she laughs as she goes into the kitchen to make lunch.

Duncan and I have been friends by force since our parents have been best friends since they were big kids. Apparently my daddy and his daddy played in a band together too which is super cool! I never hang out with Duncan at preschool because I'm too busy playing Barbies with Bridgette and Leshawna but whenever they aren't there (for some reason) I hang out with Duncan and his friends who have become my friends now! They play weird games like super heroes and villains and I'm always the girl who the villain tries to take away from the heroes. They say that it's like the Marito game they play at home but I'm not really sure what that is...

"Gwen! Let's go make your party invitations now!" my mommy shouts from the kitchen and I eagerly go to the kitchen and get my creative juices flowing.

10 years later

"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas" Michael Buble sings from the tv in my living room as my mom is frantically cleaning up the evidence that we are a very messy family and can't clean up our own stuff.

"I could use some help here" my mom says breathlessly, emphasizing the word "help" to show how desperate she needs extra hands. I roll my eyes and put down my phone.

"Fine... but I think dad should at least help too" I mutter, mostly to myself. She nods in agreement and huffs.

"Yeah but your dad won't do anything that I tell him to do because he never listens to me anymore. Probably because he's so sick of me nagging him all the time to do stuff" I laugh in response and help my mom clean up around the house.

It's Christmas Eve day and my mom is panicking at the fact that our house is a mess and that we are about to have guests over in a few hours. It's a tradition that my family hosts Christmas Eve celebrations every year, and each year my mom stresses over the fact that we need to be cleaner so that this cleaning up job isn't as hard for her as she says she's getting older each year, which is true. We don't have that many people come over though. My grandparents, my aunt and uncle, sometimes my cousin, and some family friends. Duncan and his family usually come over but they said that they might not this year because some family issues have come up, which makes sense why they wouldn't come but I am really upset that I won't get to spend time with Duncan on the one day of the year that we actually see each other.

Duncan and I go to the same school, but unfortunately we have our own friends now and we have our own cliques. I don't really like his friends; they're loud, annoying, and rebellious and I'm not really into that kind of crowd. Some of his friends have even had alcohol which is so gross and strange; they're only fifteen for Christs' sake! Duncan has had some alcohol too but I'm not going to tell him that I know because that would probably get him mad at me and I don't like conflict so I'm deciding to keep that a secret forever.

"I'm upset that the Carters may not come this year" my mom says as she mops the floor.

"Yeah… This is the one day Duncan and I spend time with each other and he has gone and soiled it" I say jokingly. My mom lifts her eyebrow at me and smirks, obviously she didn't think I was joking.

"So…. When are you and Duncan going to start dating?" I roll my eyes

"Not again mom… I told you! We're friends but we aren't going to date. It'd be weird if I dated my childhood friend. Besides, we barely see each other anyway so I don't see how anything will ever happen between us" I cross my arms and stare/glare at her. She shrugs her shoulders

"I just feel like it would be cool if Val and I were right about you two dating, then getting married…. You guys would make such cute childr-"

"MOM! Can we please focus on cleaning the house?" I interrupt her before the conversation got way too out hand.

"Ah shit! I forgot!" and back to scrubbing the floor she went.

4 years later

"Oh FUCK! Duncan….." I moan out as he continues to thrust into me. I didn't know how we got to this point but I knew it felt fucking amazing. Here we are in his res room bed. Naked and having sex. I never really fully understood how it even happened. At first we were watching a movie cuddled up under his sheets. We have done this a few times already (the cuddling part that is) and it was pretty innocent enough, but today it was a different atmosphere, like we both knew that we were going to fuck each other sooner or later and tonight was the night we decided to do it.

We were sweaty, panting, and groaning by the end of it. I lied myself on his chest and mumbled, mostly to myself.

"I can't believe we actually did that…." He chuckled at that and responded with a sarcastic tone in his voice.

"Why? I mean I thought it was pretty obvious that we were going to at some point" I roll my eyes at him

"Yeah but like, we actually did it…." I chuckle, "I can't believe our moms were right about something"

"What do you mean?"

"What do you mean 'what do you mean?'? I mean that our moms always joked about us getting together and here we are… banging in your res room…" he sighed

"Yeah I guess…." Silence.

"So…"

"So…. What?"

"What do you think our moms would say if we told them about…. This?"

"Well…. I'm sure not going to tell mine"

"Why not?"

"Why would I?"

"Mmmm…. Yeah I guess that's true…."

We fall asleep.

You still may be thinking, "Gwen! Just ask him!" but I have, or well…. I have tried to, but he always pushes the conversation aside and tries to change the subject. I could go to my mother but I'm afraid of what she would say… Would she be proud of me? Be all "I told you so!" or the "I knew it!"? Does she already know? The thing is, after the first time we had sex, we have been hanging out way more often. If you thought of that "0-100 real quick" saying, well… That was us and how much we started hanging out again. Because we go to the same university it's really easy to hang out since the campus is so small and everything is pretty much walking distance. That isn't the reason why this thought is in my head though.

The real reason is that I don't really know where we stand, even as of now. This isn't a one-sided relationship-type (whatever we are) thing. When we're in his dorm room he initiates couple-like things first such as wrapping his arm around me, leaning his head on my shoulder, pulling me close when we're about to fall asleep; you know, cute things like that. When I'm over at his house I initiate first since I feel like he needs more convincing since his mom is usually home and he's scared of her finding out that we're a…. thing? But after a few minutes he reciprocates and lightly rubs my thigh with his thumb or lets me lay my head on his lap. We're comfortable with each other and obviously he likes seeing me change after our sleepovers, as I do when he's changing as well. We may be childhood friends… but it really feels like we're dating on the down low and in secret from our family. His brother Shawn knows about it but it's not because we told him, it's because he could just "sense it" whenever Duncan and I were hanging out.

I asked Bridgette and Leshawna for advice but I didn't specifically say that it was me and Duncan, I just said that it was happening in a book. Leshawna says that guys do that when they don't want to commit to actually be in a relationship so the man, and I quote, "is a pussy because he don't know his own feelings and is just confusing the poor girl and her feelings and she should just give that loser up for someone better who actually knows what he wants!" I love Leshawna. She's so real. Usually I would take her advice but… This feeling that I have for him… for Duncan….. I want him and I to date but I feel like that would ruin our friendship and make things weird for our families, especially if we broke up. I want him to feel the same way… but I can't read minds or what he's feeling. He's so unpredictable and hard to read since he puts on that tough guy routine for everyone else…. I just wish I knew…

What are we?