Chapter 1
Buffy's head lifted jerkily, her eyes snapping open from their slowly dropping, heavy-lidded state as she felt Giles pull his car to a stop. At first, before she had fully emerged from her not-quite-sleeping, not-quite-awake limbo, she thought that they must have already arrived at Sunnydale. But as she blinked her eyes, her momentarily blurred vision quickly cleared, and she realized that he had pulled into a combination gas station/rest stop.
"What are we doing?" Buffy asked him, her voice slightly foggy; she hadn't realized until now just how close she'd been to sleep. "How far is it until Sunnydale?"
"About another forty-five minutes or so," Giles replied, undoing his seatbelt or opening his door by one of the gas pumps. "We need gas, and frankly, I need a break for a few minutes. If you need to stretch your legs, or, er, use the lavatory, go right ahead."
He stepped out of the car, going over to open the gas tank at its side, and opting to pay inside with the cash. As Buffy faintly heard him muttering to himself in disgust about the gas prices, she felt Faith shifting in her close proximity to her, her head moving on Buffy's shoulder as she began to stir awake. Buffy felt her heart squish quickly, not unpleasantly, as Faith's eyes opened slowly, and her brow furrowed in confusion. She seemed uncomprehending as to how she had ended up so close to Buffy.
"Morning," Buffy smiled at her, reaching over to gently but swiftly tuck a lock of hair off of Faith's face and behind her ear- a lock that just as quickly fell right back in place. "Well, I guess it's more like afternoon. Or evening. I'm not sure what time it is, really, do you know? No, of course you don't, you've been in a coma, and you were sleeping on and off all day, you're bound to be a little confused time-wise-"
She forced herself to shut up a bit abruptly, feeling her face go pink. Okay, Buffy, calm… get a hold of yourself. Incessant babbling is not the way to go.
Faith didn't seem to have been listening, however; she was still frowning, and as she lifted her head off Buffy's shoulder rapidly, she seemed to be somehow pulling away from her even as she remained where she was, her formerly relaxed body suddenly stiff at Buffy's side. She glanced at Buffy warily, her dark eyes slightly anxious, almost afraid, even as she seemed to be working to adjust her features into a blasé blankness.
"Didn't mean to crowd ya, B, sorry about that," she muttered, her voice hoarse with sleep, and if she could have, had she possessed the strength and coordination necessary, Buffy suspected she would have scooted clear to the other side of the car. "Don't know how I ended up over there, I didn't think I was that mobile yet."
"Oh, no, don't worry about it, Faith, I was the one that moved you," Buffy assured her quickly, her voice just a little too rushed, her tone a little too cheery. "You looked uncomfortable, so I just, I thought you could use a pillow, and my shoulder didn't mind, so…"
Okay, Buffy, enough of the babbling and the not-making-sense, which is really the same thing as babbling, she told herself in disgust. Isn't it? Or not? Can babbling make sense sometimes, or is it just-
Okay, stop, now, stop it now!
Faith was very carefully avoiding Buffy's eyes, seeming determined not to even look up. Buffy's heart squeezed again, less pleasantly this time; she still couldn't understand what Faith was thinking. Why was she acting like this, so skittish and stiff? Didn't she WANT Buffy to be nice to her? Didn't she still feel the same way that she had in her head, in her memories? Didn't she understand what Buffy felt for her as well?
Or had none of that really been real at all? Had it all been only memories- did the current Faith, the Faith here with her now, feel differently? Or had none of what she thought Faith felt been real at all? Had it all been just a delusion after all?
No, no- it was real, Buffy told herself quickly, it was real, I know it. I know what I saw, what I felt, was what Faith did. I know it really happened to her- I know what she really felt…
Then why did that seem so hard to remember now, when looking at this Faith? Why did she seem to be behaving as if this were not true?
Buffy pulled away from Faith slightly, giving her a little space, like she seemed to want, as she watched the other girl carefully. Despite the slight distance between them now, Faith did not look up at her, did not seem to gain any relief; if anything, her body seemed to tense further in a way that probably pained her weakened muscles. Of course, she said nothing to indicate if this were true, and Buffy stopped herself from asking.
Space… she needs space to think, to work out what's happened to her, how she feels. She needs time. Give her time…
"Faith, I'm going to go to the bathroom," Buffy changed the subject quickly, clearing her throat awkwardly. "Do you need to go too?"
Faith's eyes flew up to hers briefly, and Buffy saw them widen as Faith shook her head so fast she could winced, having apparently hurt a neck muscle.
"No, no, I'm good, B," she said quickly, and Buffy noticed the flicker of near alarm that corssed her face.
"Are you sure?" Buffy asked her with some concern. "We still have a while until we get to Sunnydale, and-"
"Think about it, B," Faith interrupted, and there was a trace of her old smirk beginning to twist her lips. "Even if I did, like I said, I'm not exactly Miss Mobile here. You gonna carry me in like a bride on her wedding night or somethin'? Kinda ruins the whole incognito-fugitive effect."
Buffy felt herself flush again, whether this was in response to Faith's comment about a bride on her wedding night or her own quick but vivid visualizations that followed, she wasn't sure.
"Well… I can sneak you in somehow, maybe, if you need too…" she said lamely. "We need to get you a wheelchair or something. But- but you're not a fugitive, Faith. No one's looking for you. Well, except maybe the Council. But we're going to take care of that! We-"
"B… didn't you say you had to pee or somethin'?" Faith interrupted her, and though her voice was level, neutral, there was a strange edge to it.
"Oh… oh yeah, yeah, I did," Buffy stumbled and she opened the car door, starting to get out awkwardly. Still half hanging out the door, she turned back to Faith again. The other slayer was still watching her with a too-blank expression, too-carefully-hooded eyes.
"I'll get you something to eat and drink, okay? You need to, like, help your metabolism and all, you've lost weight and muscle tone and stuff, and you need to get your strength back. So… so I'll get you something, okay?"
Not waiting for Faith's reply, be it protests or agreement, Buffy shut the car door, walking towards the gas station interior with a little more speed than was necessary. She could feel her heart, pounding harder than she preferred, a strange, nervous tingling running up and down her arms.
What is your problem, Buffy? Since when did you become Miss Speed Talker? What the hell is THAT all about?
Obviously, it was about Faith. Okay, she got the whole give-her-space thing, she got that Faith apparently wanted that, the space, she really did. But it would be nice if she had a general idea of for how long she had to give it. Or at least a general idea of how much Faith remembered and what she was thinking…
If there were any nice, mouthless demons around about now to make with the spreading of mind-reading, I wouldn't even mind the side effects of pain and insanity, Buffy thought to herself a bit grimly as she made her way to the not-exactly-sanitary bathroom in the back of the gas station. Okay, so maybe I would, but you know what I mean. Okay, so maybe I don't know who this you person is, and maybe they don't' know, but I know what I mean-
Okay, stop brain, stop!
The women's bathroom was a very small, single stall, not exactly wheelchair or even cripple-friendly. Even had Faith agreed to let Buffy take her with her, they would have a hard time maneuvering in the tiny, cramped space.
As Buffy thought about it, a whole new problem, previously not thought of, came to her mind. How WAS Faith going to get to the bathroom- and undress herself, and take showers? She couldn't even stand up, barely had control over even her hands yet. Obviously, it would have to be Buffy who did those things for her.
For the third time in five minutes, Buffy could feel herself blushing at her own thoughts. Sure, she'd realized she'd have to help Faith a lot, carry her around and watch out for her, but somehow, personal care issues involving seeing and touching Faith's body had not crossed her mind.
Damn… I just figured out that I might be attracted to Faith, that I might love her, which means I might not be strictly straight, and already I'm gonna be heading straight to third base with her. And I don't even know if it's a good thing or not that it'll be totally necessary and platonic…
Buffy, damn! What the hell is wrong with you and your brain today?!
Buffy hurried back into the store section of the gas station, attempting to distract herself with the task of getting Faith food. She settled on getting her a pint of chocolate ice cream, figuring that it
was high in sugar and calories, both something Faith probably needed, and also soft and easy for her to eat and digest after such a long time of steady nutrition via veins. Plus, she knew full well that Faith was a major sugar addict, especially in regards to chocolate.
Getting in line with her ice cream and a bottle of water and taking a plastic spoon from the small food preparation area, Buffy got in line to pay. She noticed from the corner of her eye that Giles was standing at the back of the store near the restrooms, talking on the pay phone. Turning her head with a slight, curious frown, Buffy realized that he was talking more than listening, his expression very intent. She wondered who he was calling… maybe someone having to do with Faith.
Having paid for her purchases, she headed back to Giles's car, opening the door to the backseat and sliding in beside Faith. Faith had been slumped back against the seat slightly, her eyes already half shut, but she jerked her head back up when she heard Buffy come up to her. Buffy smiled at her, keeping her voice friendly and mild deliberately as she spoke to her.
"You're really tired, aren't you? You'd think a coma for four months would be plenty of sleep, but I guess not, I guess that's different."
Okay, stop the rambling, Buffy, now, please…
"I brought you some ice cream," she said quickly, holding it out for Faith to see along with the water. "I figured you'd want chocolate, right?"
Faith's eyes widened with surprise and brief but unmistakable joy as her gaze went to the container in Buffy's hand. Any threatening weariness disappeared as she smiled widely, an unthinking expression that sent a little thrill up Buffy's spine to witness.
But no sooner was Buffy daring to hope that she might have succeeded in making some headway with Faith, found a way to open her up a little, then Faith seemed to be already checking herself. Her eyes dimmed, and she pulled her lips straight again, purposely and obviously stifling whatever emotions she was feeling as she quickly lowered her eyes.
"You didn't have to get that, B. I didn't ask you to or nothin'. I'm not hungry anyway."
"The hell you aren't," Buffy countered, confused and a little annoyed by Faith's strangeness. "All you've had for the past few four months is pudding and glucose. Even Giles and I had more than the last couple of days, Catherine brought us stuff in the lab. So no lame excuses, eat it."
"I told you, B, really, I'm not hungry," Faith insisted, carefully avoiding looking at the ice cream, and Buffy fixed her with a half-serious, half-playful stink eye.
"Faith. Do you really expect me to believe that you don't want chocolate ice cream? You, who ate a chocolate Easter bunny that had been under my bed since I first moved to Sunnydale? Keep talking like that and I'll think you got brain damaged," Buffy jabbed lightly, but she was really watching Faith's face more closely than she let on. "Even if you're not feeling hungry, you need to eat anyway. And besides, I just paid 3 for this tiny little thing, so you're eating it," she finished off, hoping that the last bit, if nothing else, would make her.
Faith looked over at her with an odd hesitance, something strangely poignant in her gaze, her slight frown, as if she didn't' understand what Buffy was really saying. Finally she looked away, and her shoulders tensed once more when she spoke, her voice very controlled.
"Thanks…"
"No problem. Can you do it yourself, or do you need help?" Buffy asked her, prying the top off the ice cream for her. At least Faith was going to eat something, although she still had no idea what all the resistance had been for. Was Faith just trying to be difficult- and if she was, did that mean she didn't remember anything? How was she supposed to act- what would she do if Faith didn't remember anything from their experiences inside her mind?
"No, I've got it, B," Faith said, detracting Buffy from her yet-again-drifting thoughts and bringing her focus back to her.
"Okay, if you think so…"
She handed the spoon to Faith and set the container on her lap. Faith stabbed the spoon into the ice cream, but she seemed to be having a hard time doing so with enough force to break through much of the frozen surface. She had to try a few times before she got any on her spoon, for her grip was a little too loose, her hand shaking slightly. She brought the small bit she'd managed to get on the spoon to her mouth with a jerky clumsiness that bumped her nose, dotting it with ice cream first before she got it in her mouth. Watching her, Buffy wanted to cringe with a mix of pity, guilt, and agonized impatience. If this was the rate she'd have to feed herself at, Faith would starve to death first.
"Faith, just let me do it for you, okay?" Buffy said to her quietly, trying not to let the sympathy she knew Faith didn't want to show up in her voice or face. "I know you can do it, but it'll be faster if you let me, and you're burning as many calories as you're putting in right now."
Faith looked over rapidly, her face stiffening defensively as she dug into the hardly dented container again, the chocolate still on her lips and the tip of her nose.
"I'm fine, B, I've got it. I'm not a complete invalid ya know."
"Faith, I get that you don't want to have to be helped, I get that you'll have to learn to walk and move around again," Buffy said in the same quiet but firm tone, and she did get that. Faith had always been so independent, always prided herself on her ability to take care of herself. It was something she'd had to learn, given her childhood… for back then, if she didn't take care of herself, no one else would have either.
Yes, Buffy understood that for a girl used to asking and accepting help from no one, to be basically helpless must be hard to deal with. Especially for a girl used to having slayer powers. Buffy had experienced that to herself to a smaller degree on her eighteen birthday, when forced to undergo the Cruciatum ritual from the Council. Maybe this was even partly why Faith was
acting so strangely, closing off her thoughts Buffy could not read them. Maybe she just hated being unable to do anything, was frustrated and humiliated by it.
It scared Buffy in a way, not knowing what Faith was really thinking and feeling. It reminded her of the old Faith, made her feel as if nothing had changed between them, despite what she and Faith had experienced in her mind. Her fear was that maybe it hadn't… for if Faith really could not remember, how could it have? How could anything Buffy had said or did inside her head have made any difference?
"I get that you don't want anyone to have to help you, I really do," Buffy continued quickly, seeing that Faith was looking at her strangely and realizing she had paused for too long. "And trust me, I'll let you practice all this plenty. But right now there isn't much time, ice cream is messy and you know Giles is about his car and messing it. And you need to eat. So let's save the eating lessons for later and just let me feed you, okay?"
Faith hesitated, her fingers subconsciously gripping the spoon tighter, whitening her knuckles as she frowned, lips tightening. Finally she nodded jerkily.
"Whatever, B."