She was lying on her back on the top of her bed.
She was trying hard to think of how this has happened again. Then she remembered.
Pity sex. It was pity sex.
She closed her eyes as she felt Dean move in and out of her, heard his soft grunts.
She used to love these grunts and now… well, it just made her want to shove him off of her.
She remembered what it was like to have sex the first time they did it. How excited and nervous she was, how it all seemed right, it was story book perfect. She probably even liked it. She was probably even enjoying it.
She furrowed her brows.
She gave up even trying to enjoy it months ago. She just figured it was another one of those myths about sex, and life in general. That sex was enjoyable. She figured that it was passion and lust that made it seem enjoyable. And she figured that she's lost that with Dean. Right now it just felt silly and annoying.
Right now it was just a hassle.
She sighed lightly, and Dean probably took it as a sign of pleasure.
She knew she shouldn't even be doing this. That she was supposed to be breaking up with him right now. But she felt so much guilt. It actually surprised her, since nowadays she usually didn't feel anything at all.
But she had been with Dean for over a year and he had been her first love. And she knew she loved him still. She just wasn't in love.
She tried to decide whether she was depressed because she fell out of love with Dean or whether she was just depressed and it made her incapable of feeling anything anymore. She didn't know.
She arched her back slightly and contracted her muscles around him. It was almost an unconscious, automatic movement. And she knew that would do it for him. He came quietly, shivering and burying his face in her hair. She smiled a wry smile. This would have seemed beautiful a couple of months ago. Now it left her feeling nothing at all.
She waited as his breathing slowed with her eyes closed, caressing him gently.
„You okay?" she heard him whisper uncertain.
She nodded slightly, knowing that if she spoke it would sound like a lie, everything she would have said would have sounded like a lie. Suddenly the room felt small and there wasn't enough air. She distangled herself from his hold and got up, gathering her clothes.
It was still light outside.
Dean watched perplexed.
„What would you like to do?" he said, rising on the bed, steadying himself on his elbow.
She sat back on the bed, her back towards him staring out the window knowing what she was about to do. She decided that she didn't want to tell him here. She wanted to be somewhere public, somewhere where she wouldn't have to explain herself. Since she probably won't be able to give an explanation at all.
"Let's go somewhere" she said, trying to hide her indifference.
"Okay. You want to go to Luke's to grab something to eat?"
She didn't want to stay in Stars Hollow. It was such a small town, everybody knew them. She sometimes felt like the whole town knew about every detail in her life as soon as it happened. Sometimes she wished her parents would give up on this whole idea of raising children in a small town in order to help them stay grounded and away from 'society'.
"Let's go to Hartford. We could get some ice-cream"
Dean smiled. As if the fact that she still felt an urge to eat ice-cream would prove all was okay.
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
She sat at the small table picking her ice-cream with her spoon.
Dean was describing something and she could barely pretend she was listening.
"Rory?"
She looked up, her eyes wide, hearing her name.
"Is there something wrong?" Dean asked, concern in his voice.
Rory couldn't hold his gaze.
"You've been acting strange for weeks. You seem so distant. Is there something bothering you?" he asked, his hands reaching out to hers.
Rory looked up, and another bout of guilt hit her. He really was perfect, wasn't he? Caring and sweet and kind, and everything she could have wished for. But it didn't make her happy. Not anymore. And she knew it made him feel miserable that she was unhappy. He just didn't know she was.
She sighed.
"Dean" she started, hesitating for a second "I think I want to end this" she said, her voice calm and cool.
Dean just stared at her, with eyes wide. She couldn't stand that look, she dropped her gaze again.
"What? Why?" he asked in disbelief, his voice quiet.
"I don't know, I'm sorry. I wish I could give you a reason"
"What?" he asked huffing "What are you talking about?"
She took a deep breath gathering her thoughts "I'm not happy. And it's not fair towards you..."
"Hold on a second. When did all this happen?" he asked, his voice suddenly louder.
Rory looked around uncomfortable in the crowded place, feeling awkward. Suddenly she realized that doing this in a public place wasn't such a good idea after all.
"It's been going on for a while. You said it yourself, I seemed strange. I really wish I could know what's wrong with me"
"You're saying that I make you unhappy?" his voice was loud now and some people at the other tables were looking over at them.
Rory sighed and got up from her seat, walking outside, not wanting to continue this conversation in there anymore.
Dean got up and dashed after her.
She pushed the door open and walked out into the parking lot. It was relatively empty, but at the far end there were a couple of guys standing around their cars laughing and smoking. She recognised one of them. Even though he wasn't wearing his uniform, but some jeans and a grey shirt.
It was Tristan.
Her thoughts went back to their weird encounter that morning, but she couldn't dwell in them for long as she heard a now frustrated Dean calling her name.
She turned around and saw him, his face angry, frustrated and hurt.
"Dean, please, I don't want to fight. And I don't want to hurt you."
"Oh really? It seems to me that you don't give a damn about that" he said yelling.
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the guys turning towards them, no doubt intrigued by the conversation they were overhearing.
She sighed.
"Dean. I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say" she said barely whispering. Her voice was low and drained "I wish I knew the reason, but I don't. I've just been feeling empty. And drained. And it's frustrating, the fact that I have someone like you and I still feel this way. I don't want you to suffer because of me"
"Is this about sex?"
Her eyes shot up in disbelief.
"What?" she asked her eyes closing as thought she was trying to tell herself that she misheard the question.
He looked down, trying to control his anger.
"I know you haven't been enjoying it Rory, I can tell as much"
She laughed covering her eyes with her hands.
"God, you think that's a reason?"
"I don't know, why don't you tell me?"
She suddenly felt frustrated. Up to that point she felt guilty more than anything else. Then Dean reminded her why it wasn't working. He just did not get her. Here she was trying to put into words how she felt, the emptiness that had been creeping up on her, the indifference she felt. And he just did not hear. Did not understand. Thinking sex would be a reason for a break-up. When it was obviously a consequence. She gave up.
"You are insane" she said.
"You want to see other people? Is there someone else?" he asked, raging.
She just stood there closing her eyes realizing that there was nothing she could do to make this less hostile.
"Dean, please don't be ridiculous..."
"Fine, go be with whoever you want. Maybe they can make you feel happy. I give up" he said and started walking towards his car.
Rory stood there dumbfounded and watched as he sped off in his car leaving her there.
Seeing his reaction, his unwillingness to understand her made her even more depressed. She suddenly felt exhausted, tired, as if her energy had been drained from her completely. She watched as the car disappeared around the corner and sighed closing her eyes.
She didn't want to think anymore tonight, she just wanted to go home and sleep.
She opened her eyes contemplating a way to get home.
She could call her mom, but she knew she would probably force her to explain how she ended up stranded in the middle of Hartford when she was supposed to be out with Dean.
She looked around frustrated and caught Tristan with her eyes. He stood there watching her, looking away suddenly when he saw her looking his way.
She sighed closing her eyes. He probably overheard the whole thing. How embarrassing.
Plus they never even talked.
She decided it didn't matter.
She just wanted to get home without people asking her questions or without her having to face the consequences.
She walked towards him, trying to seem confident, concentrating on the problem at hand.
The guys noticed her walking towards them and exchanged looks, snickering.
"Tristan, right?" she asked, surprising even herself with the confidence her voice reflected.
He turned around, looking at her questioning.
"I need a ride" she said, her voice still confident but lower, her blue eyes beaming.
The guys snickered again expecting a clever let-down or some pricking comment from Tristan.
He looked at her narrowing his eyes as if he was trying to see into her.
"Sure" he said, his voice nonchalant.
The other guys watched astonished as he walked over to his car and motioned for her to get in.
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
The ride had been a silent one. She sat there immersed in thought only speaking to give him directions.
The first couple of minutes seemed awkward, her confidence from before vanishing. But he didn't ask her anything. In fact he hadn't talked at all but acknowledged her directions and kept his eyes on the road.
She was relieved she didn't have to endure cynical comments or unnecessary questions and stopped herself from pondering about why he would be so helpful. He seemed indifferent towards her.
Her body slowly relaxed back into her seat and her thoughts drifted back to the fight with Dean. She wasn't surprised he was hurt, she couldn't blame him. She really wished she could have changed how she was feeling, could have stopped what was happening. But it seemed to her that it wasn't any of her choice. She felt like a log drifting with the current.
"Is this the street?" his voice pulled her back from her thoughts.
She didn't realize that they were already in Stars Hollow. She looked up recognizing the familiar street.
"Yeah, it's the second house on the right" she replied.
The car came to a halt and she fumbled trying to unbuckle her seat-belt.
"You okay?" the question surprised her.
Up to that point it seemed like he didn't even acknowledge her state or the fight he had witnessed.
She looked up furrowing her brows.
He was looking at her, his expression indifferent, but his eyes, his eyes seemed to be swirling with something. She stared at him as though she didn't understand his question.
"Yeah" she whispered, her face sour.
He stared at her for another couple of seconds, then leaned slowly towards her side opening the door for her.
Her breath was caught in her chest and she felt herself blush as she smelt his cologne.
"It gets stuck sometimes" he said curtly, referring to the door and already turning back to face the road.
She got out of the car, then closed the door behind her without saying anything and walked into the house as she heard him speed off.