It turned out that it was much longer than just one day before Vin, or anyone else on the team, approached Ezra about his mood or his plans. A prison break in the northern area of the territory triggered a call for almost every law man within 50 miles to join the search. Josiah stayed in Four Corners to keep watch on things, while the others joined the man hunt. Ezra managed to convince Nathan he would be better off in his own room during their absence. Closer to those who would be helping with his care was the excuse. All things considered, it didn't seem like a bad idea. Buck, Vin, Nathan and Josiah helped to move him over and settle him in. The stress was enough that Ezra slept for close to a full day after.

He tried to keep his needs to a minimum, limiting the number of visitors he was forced to endure. The endless efforts to cheer him wore on his nerves, but when he snapped back at Mary Travis, even he realized he had gone too far and tried to make amends.

"My apologies madam. I realize that my best interests are foremost in everyone's efforts, but I simply cannot abide being treated like a delicate crystal goblet ready to shatter at a moment's notice."

"It's alright Ezra. I understand. When Stephen died I got to the point I was quite certain I would assault to the next person who offered condolences. I guess that's what happens when no one can figure out what else to do."

"I do not believe my loss is comparable to the death of your husband."

"Grief is grief. The hurt is real no matter who it is we lose."

"Nevertheless, such an outburst as I demonstrated is not acceptable."

She smiled at him, recognizing his genuine contrition at the act. "Well you are forgiven. But only on the condition that you agree to let me open up the curtains and windows in here and let a bit of life back in."

"You drive a hard bargain madam." He allowed a small smile to appear, not really feeling it, but knowing it would appease the woman. Mary chose to see it as the first sign of the old Ezra she had seen in a week. She took it as approval and opened things up.

The sounds from the street were strangely soothing to him; comfortable and familiar. He unconsciously nodded his approval as he reached for a book that had been sitting abandon on his night table for some time. He opened it and settled back into the pillows.

7-7-7-7-7-7-7

Three days later

The commotion from the street was the first indicator Ezra had that the others had returned. Word had come by telegraph that the prisoners had been caught or killed in various parts of the territory, and that it was understood that Larabee and the others had closed in on the group they were following as well. It was expected the men would be back soon.

Even without being able to see what was happening, Ezra could tell something was wrong. There was a tense buzz of noise from the street. No one was calling out greetings, no welcoming sounds. But a great deal of quiet talk. The kind of talk that only happens when things are very bad.

He tried to rise, to push himself up from the bed, but the splint on his leg and the stab of pain created by the effort knocked him back. The dull ache in his chest didn't help matters either. He took a moment to cautiously catch his breath before reluctantly reaching for the bell by his bed. He hated summoning anyone this way, let alone Inez. It seemed demeaning to her. But he needed to know what was happening. He was about to lift it when the door opened.

"Hey Ezra." JD entered tentatively. "The guys figured you'd want to know we were back. They want to come see you, and will. Just need to take care of a few things first. You know, cleaning up after a long ride and all. And of course taking care of the horses – damn. Well of everything. Anyway, we'll all be by in a bit."

"John Daniel Dunne, you are not to even contemplate stepping one foot out of this room without telling me exactly what the hell is going on."

JD turned back with a blatantly phony smile plastered on his face. "Nothing's wrong Ezra. Really."

"You have fidgeted with your hat from the instant you entered. You are talking faster than a bullet leaves a gun and you haven't even pretended to be able to look me in the eye. Who was injured, and how serious is it?"

JD relented, knowing he shouldn't have even tried to bluff the gambler. "Don't think it's all that bad. Nathan got him patched up yesterday, but, well, he's still bleeding, and he does seem to have a bit of a fever, but everybody keeps saying that he's gonna be fine. He's gonna be okay."

Ezra found he was having trouble breathing as the reason for JDs avoidance of the issue dawned on him.

"Dear Lord! Chris's dying – isn't he?"

JD gulped before whispering out "Maybe."

Ezra tried to stand again but fell back, unable to hide the pain.

"Dammit Ezra. Stay put. Nathan has enough on his hands with Chris and Vin."

"Vin was hurt too!"

"It wasn't bad. But Nathan does not need you busting yourself up again."

"What happened?"

"Don't really know. Vin tracked a couple of the prisoners to an abandon homestead. Everybody started shooting and a couple of minutes later they were dead, and Vin had a bullet in his arm."

"And Chris?"

JD hesitated. "In his chest."

Ezra closed his eyes, fighting off the image in front of him. "How could that happen? He would have had to be exposed."

"I don't know. We couldn't really figure it out either."

"Has he been conscious?" JD nodded slowly. "Did he speak? Try to explain? JD, you are stalling again. What did he say?"

As he mumbled a response, JD tried to walk away.

"Do not make me repeat myself Mr. Dunne. I have no patience for it."

The answer was almost to soft to be heard. "He was trying to get Peso out of the way. Said he couldn't let another horse die."

Ezra felt like all of the blood had drained from his body. He was shot trying to save a horse. There was only one reason he would be so foolish, to take such a ridiculous risk. He still felt the guilt. Ezra had been unwilling to forgive him, and now, Chris may have paid the ultimate price for that selfishness.

"I have to see him."

"Ezra you can't."

"I have to dammit. Get the others here. Carry me. I don't care." When JD hesitated, Ezra spoke the phrase he knew would turn the tide. "Fine, I shall walk over myself."

One look at the determination in his eyes told JD there was no point in arguing. "Okay. Sit still. I'll see what I can do. Just promise me you'll stay put till I get back."

Ezra merely nodded, the tension evident. He listened to JD charge down the stairs.

How could he have been so stupid, so self-centred? How could he have laid enough guilt at Chris's feet to result in, please God no, his death. This was insane. This was unthinkable.

He had to get over there. To see him. To tell him – what? What could he possibly say? All Chris had wanted was acceptance for what he had for what had happened. Not forgiveness. He had specifically asked Josiah to let Ezra know he did not expect to be forgiven for what he had done. But if he could just know that the motivation had been understood. Vin and Buck had told Ezra several times that that was all Chris was asking for, yet he had had refused to even consider it.

He knew that Chris had taken no pleasure in what he'd had to do. No sane man killed an animal with any degree of pleasure. It didn't help that he had to know it would likely destroy their less than solid friendship. Vin admitted that both he and Buck offered to do what was needed. Chris had all but ordered them to keep that secret, insisting it was best for Ezra to believe that none of the others were willing to hurt him in this way, knowing he would need to be able to count on the others as he dealt with this.

Ezra also knew that there wasn't a man worthy of the designation who could destroy an animal without a second thought. Hunting for food, for survival, was one thing. But the blatant destruction of putting an animal down was something else. When he put his emotions to the side, he knew that as difficult as all of this was to accept, the action had been as every bit as hard for Chris to take.

JD returned with Buck, who spoke first. "Nathan doesn't think this is a good idea."

"For my sake, or Mr. Larabee's?"

"Yours."

"Then we shall proceed." Buck shook his head but, like JD, knew arguing was a waste of time – time they might not have. Ezra would make his way over there come hell or high water. No point in risking further injury.

"We'll carry you, but you do what we say. Nathan's still working at getting the bullet out, so we wait till he says you can go in. Understood?"

"I have no desire or intent to cause any further harm or suffering that I have already done. But I need him to know I am sorry. I don't expect his forgiveness, but he needs to know that I am truly contrite."

"You're sorry?" Buck was confused. "What the hell are you – never mind. It doesn't matter. Let's get this done." JD and Buck slowly helped Ezra to his feet, forcing themselves to ignore the clear indications of the pain the man was still in. They locked arms together, forming a seat for Ezra to rest on. The height difference made the ride less than smooth, but Ezra said nothing. By the time they got to Nathan's, he was sweating and panting. His face was lined with evidence of the increasing pain, but he remained silent. They carefully set him down and he leaned heavily against the wall, unable to even maneuver himself to sit. He looked over in concern to where Vin was resting in a chair, cradling his arm.

"Sit down before you fall over. This is just a graze. I'm fine." he added, before Ezra could ask. "Don't know how things are going in there, but Nathan and Josiah ain't swearing much, so I'm hoping that's a good sign."

"It is." Josiah was standing in the doorway. "He lost a fair bit of blood, so it was looking a lot worse. But it wasn't too deep, and it came out clean."

"So, he'll be good?" Vin asked.

"Laid up for a bit, but yeah, he'll be good."

Ezra went limp and Buck lowered him into the chair. "Damn Ezra, you gonna faint?"

"No." The succinctness of the answer made everyone worry, but no one spoke. It remained quiet for about 15 minutes until Nathan came out.

"OK he's looking bet – Ezra what the hell are you doing here?" He turned angrily to Buck. "I told you this wasn't a good idea."

"He would've crawled over here, and pretty sure that would have been worse."

Nathan's were quietly, mumbling to himself. "Crazy. All of you are crazy, and I'm even worse for trying to help you all." He squatted next to Ezra, who immediately brushed off the attention.

"I need to speak to him."

"Well you can't. He's asleep Ezra. Will be for quite a while. And you need to rest."

"Then I shall wait here."

"You're volunteering to stretch out here instead of your own bed? You feeling okay?" Vin asked, only half kidding.

"I wish to be here when he awakens. Whatever I need to do for that to occur is acceptable to me."

Nathan stood, waving Buck and Josiah over to help him. "Never thought I'd live to see the day you took a bed in here willingly." With a shrug, they moved him over to the bed beside Chris. Ezra paled further when he saw the lawman lying so still.

"I promise you Ezra, he's going to be okay."

"It should not have happened. He almost died because I was so foolish."

"As the second time you've said that. What the hell are you talking about?" Ezra didn't answer Buck. He stepped close to challenge the gambler, but Vin reached out to stop him. He shook his head without speaking. Buck scowled but stepped back. It didn't silence him. "Only folks to blame here of the ones what shot him Ezra. Don't go getting yourself riled."

There was still no answer as Ezra sat quietly perched on the edge of the bed.

"You gonna stretch out?"

"Perhaps later Josiah. I am fine for the moment." The strain in his voice and the trembling that passed through him belied the claim, but no one contested the claim. There would have been no point.

"Well," Vin yawned quite deliberately as he made his way to the last bed in the sick room. "I'm going to get some sleep. You guys go eat. We're good here."

Ezra waited until the area was quiet again. "I neither need nor want any words of encouragement from you."

"Not here for that. Just getting some rest is all."

"I find that a difficult fact to accept."

"Well that's too bad Ezra. Of course, if you should change your mind…"

Despite himself, Ezra chuckled lightly. "I suspected as much."

Vin grinned as he closed his eyes.

7-7-7-7-7-7-7

"Can't say as I expected to see you here Ezra." Chris's voice was weak and hoarse. Ezra pulled himself from his bed into the chair Nathan had abandoned earlier and offered a small sip of water. He had been waiting over 12 hours to talk to Chris, and still hadn't figured out what to say.

"I – I have no right to ask for your forgiveness, but I am going to presume upon your better nature to do so regardless."

"My forgiveness? Don't you have that backwards?"

"I know you did only what you had to do, and acted out of concern and compassion, leaving yourself with the unfair burden of guilt. I was selfish and petulant, and my actions caused you sufficient stress to put you in the position to nearly to be nearly fatally injured."

"Good God Ezra. I have never encountered anyone who can twist things around to the way you can." There was no answer. Chris forced himself to focus on the situation, even though he wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep. "Not sure where this is coming from, but I damn sure know I don't need to be forgiving you anything." Still no response. "But, since you won't believe that then fine - you are forgiven."

"That is not the most sincere response I have received, but you are tired and weak, and Nathan will be furious with me for engaging you in this discussion, so I suppose it will have to do."

Chris let out a small sigh of relief. As much as he wanted to end the discussion, he knew this might be the only chance they would have do discuss this before the barriers all went back up. "Doesn't it need to go both ways Ezra? You going to be able to forgive me?"

"To use your own words, there is no need to. As I indicated, I understand what you did and why. I hate it. But I carry no animosity toward you. I did, but I acknowledge that was foolish and wasteful."

"It was human Ezra. Not a man alive who blames you either. I'd be mad as hell if anyone had put down Pony that way."

"Perhaps, but I have no doubt you would have seen the light far faster than I did. And that your anger would not have been so poorly misdirected."

Chris looked at him, too tired to ask for an explanation. Ezra understood that one was needed. "The anger wasn't with you Chris. It was directed that way because was far easier than laying it where it belonged, at my own feet."

"Not your fault Ezra. He got spooked bad and ran. It could have happened to any of us."

"Yes, I accept that. The accident is not what I was referring to. The task, the deed. It should not have fallen to you."

"When it comes down to it Ezra, this is my team. You men are my team."

"No one is disputing your role, or its significance. I am not expressing myself properly."

Chris smirked slightly. "Now why do I find that hard to believe?"

"At his last moment, at the one time in his life Chaucer needed me most, I was not there for him. I failed him."

"Shit Ezra. That's what's tearing you up?"

"Mine should have been the last face he saw."

Chris closed his eyes for a moment, allowing himself a chance to catch his breath. "You never cease to surprise me. Okay. Let's assume you're right, and he could think that way. Ezra, how much of what happened do you remember?"

"Small parts. It remains hazy."

"Not surprised. Do you remember when he turned, just before falling?"

Ezra was shaking his head. "Vaguely. As I said, the entire incident remains hazy."

"When Chaucer bolted he headed towards a cliff. He turned fast just before the edge, like he saw what was coming. But then he turned again, even faster. That's when he went down. That's when you both went down."

Part of Ezra longed to tell him to shut up. He didn't want to hear any of this. But there was a reason Chris was pushing himself to tell this story when he was too weak to be making the effort, and Ezra owed it to him to hear it out. "Yes, I understand the nature of what happened. I fail to see your point."

"Second turn kept you from being tossed over the cliff. Chaucer spun back to keep you from falling Ezra. I can't help but believe he knew that." He paused, debating for a moment before continuing. Chris hated the pain the memories were creating. Ezra wasn't even trying to fight off the tears anymore. "He tried to get up when he fell. You remember that?"

"No, I never saw that."

"Yeah, didn't figure you did. He twisted himself enough to see you Ezra. To watch you. I can promise you, no word of a lie, you were the last thing he saw. He knew he'd saved you. I'll go to my grave believing that, and believing it mattered to him."

Ezra sat quietly for a moment then reached up to brush tears off his cheek. He cleared his throat and tried to gather his voice together. "Why didn't you say something?"

"Because you didn't need to hear all this then."

"Instead, you elected to take that all on yourself. Knowing the anger and resentment I was harbouring. Knowing it was all so dreadfully misdirected."

"I knew you'd come around." Chris was lying, and Ezra knew it.

"You knew no such thing. If you believed that, you wouldn't have offered to leave town."

"I made the offer, like I said, I knew you'd come around."

The self-deprecation was evident when Ezra spoke again. "That is more than I ever believed."

"Keep telling you, you have to give yourself more credit."

"And I keep telling you, you overestimate me."

Chris wanted nothing more than to close his eyes again, the exhaustion starting to catch up with him. But he knew this wasn't over. "Don't think so. Takes a big man to come talk to me like this. To admit not to just to himself, but to someone else, when he's hurting like you are." He waited a moment, knowing there was more, but unsure what else Ezra needed to hear. He was, despite his best effort, starting to feel himself dozing off when Ezra spoke softly.

"What happened - after?"

That was not a question he expected. "We brought you home. I can see where you might have some trouble remembering, the shape you were in." Ezra said nothing, so Chris continued. "Got you patched up as much as we could, and you rode back with Vin. Buck..." Oh, that was what he was asking. Damn, he should have been told at least that from the beginning.

"Buck stayed back Ezra. He buried Chaucer for you. He got taken care of properly."

Ezra let out a soft sob, and immediately choked back any further reaction. "I shall have to thank him. The thought that Chaucer was left out to the elements. To the scavengers…"

Chris weakly reached out. Ezra hesitated just the briefest of seconds before grasping the hand. "Chaucer deserved better than that Ezra - we saw to it that he got it."

"I keep trying to tell myself he was just a horse. A tool. A piece of equipment."

"Thought you weren't lying so much anymore. He was your friend. There's no shame in that."

"For the longest time, the only one I had."

"You still see it that way?"

Ezra offered a broad, genuine smile for the first time in days. "No, I have come to see things as they really are."

Chris sighed with relief as he drifted off to sleep. "Well it damn sure took you long enough."

M7-M7-M7-M7-M7-M7-M7

The End

I know this is a tough story, and I am sorry for anyone who found it difficult to deal with. Some of my real life has put me in the frame of mind that inspired this. And, as a friend reviewing it for me pointed out, no real animals were hurt in the writing of this story. But, I remind everyone, this is fiction Chaucer will be back in other adventures.