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"The Way We Were"

RPOV

"That's fantastic!" I said with an unbidden smile when Jasper told me the good news. "I love weddings."

The idea of Renesmee and Jacob getting married elicited a warmth in my chest, a fondness that my paltry relationship with the pair couldn't account for. And it wasn't just that I had finally been able to properly sate my thirst for the first time in weeks—that initial high only lasted for a few minutes—it went deeper than that, deeper than just the surface.

I thought that I might have been channeling Jasper's emotions for a moment, but it only took an instant to realize that his own were much more bittersweet. He still thought of her as a child in many ways. I was sure a part of him was lamenting the fact that she had grown up, the same way he had when she had called to announce her graduation.

In the fraction of a second that it took me to realize what I said, I also realized that I had no fond memories of ever attending a wedding, contrary to what my body was trying to tell me. I felt my smile fall a little.

I knew the words hadn't been a lie. Nothing that slipped out like that could have been one, but they were a different kind of truth. The woman I had been before loved weddings, the same way she had loved Jasper. I could feel it, even if I couldn't remember why I felt that way.

It was strange discovering that I felt so strongly about something I couldn't ever remember giving a thought to.

I had fallen in love with Jasper all over again in our time here, I was sure that I would fall in love with the romance of weddings all over again, too, but there was a part of me, a small part, that longed to know where those feelings stemmed from.

Then, I saw it. The foggy image of a photo album, an unclear picture of a picture. The pair dressed up in black and white respectively made my heart swell and shatter, despite the fact that I didn't recognize either of them. The woman looked a bit like me, but the not-so-subtle swell of her abdomen made it obvious that it wasn't.

Then, it hit me all at once. That was my mother. These were my parents . . . I loved the idea of their wedding so much. I loved them. But, they were gone. I would never see them again.

"Are you alright?" Jasper frowned at me, and I knew my sudden inattention had given me away.

"Just fine." I lied, but I knew immediately that I wasn't going to be able to get away with it. I purposefully cleared my emotions, pushing away love and pain that shouldn't have been able to exist in one person simultaneously, hoping that he couldn't use them against me, but that tactic only served to make him more suspicious.

"You aren't fine—and don't expect me to believe that you feel nothing." His expression was severely pinched, but I could tell he was carefully moderating his voice. "What are you trying to hide from me? Did you remember something?"

"Don't get excited." I chastised him, after seeing the way his eyes lit up.

"If you remembered something, you should be excited!"

"It was just a picture." I shrugged, purposefully spinning away from him. "I should go pack."

I left for the bedroom, trying to escape the conversation, but he followed me all the way into our closet, sighing when I accidentally-on-purpose knocked him with my suitcase as I pulled it out of the walk-in.

"We should talk about this." He said, standing in the doorway between me and my wardrobe.

"You're right. We should. Do you want to coordinate colors? I've always liked you in blue. Maybe a baby blue shirt to match my dress?" I raised a brow.

"Alice will take care of our clothes." Jasper folded his arms stubbornly across his chest as he leaned against one end of the door frame, showing me that he didn't intend on moving. "Stop evading the subject. You shouldn't be resisting your recovered memories, you should be embracing them. If there's a problem—"

I interrupted him by grabbing him by the elbow, sharply jerking him to one side until he was clear of the archway. He could have resisted me, of course, but instead settled for looking annoyed as I hastily slapped a section of my wardrobe into the bag, hangers and all.

"Just because I don't feel like talking about it with you doesn't mean I'm resisting anything." I huffed, marching back inside the closet to gather shoes. I could hear him rustling through the bag behind me, and turned to see him taking things off hangers and folding them back into the bag with militant precision. "You're not my therapist, you're not my lover. Sometimes I wonder if we're even friends. Is it any surprise that I don't want to share this with you?"

I couldn't just see the pain that those words had inflicted, I could feel it. Although it had been my intention to wound him, to push him away, I regretted it as soon as I succeeded.

"So, you have been remembering things." He said, showing he wasn't about to let my venom stop him.

"This is exactly why I don't want to talk to you about it!" I snapped, but I knew better than to think a little volume would make him understand if he didn't already. "It was really nothing, okay? Nothing like the first one . . . just flashes."

"Are you at least open to them?" He asked, sharp hope in his eyes.

"Why should I be, when all I can remember is pain?" He grimaced at my words.

"There were good memories, too. If you allow yourself to be open to it, they will come back to you. I can help you."

"No, you can't help me. You've tried and you've failed. And from what you've told me about my life, it sounds like there weren't many happy things about it to remember, even after you came into the picture. I don't want to try any more. I don't want to remember that pain ever again." I sighed, tucking my shoes into the large gap Jasper's methodical packing had left in my luggage.

The ensuing silence would make for an uncomfortable drive to Forks.

Thankfully, the sour mood seemed to liven the instant we arrived. The entire family was gathered outside, filled with eager anticipation to greet us even before we got out of the truck. It was hard to be annoyed in the face of so many positive emotions, even for Jasper, if the smile on his face was any indication.

Alice rushed forward before anyone had a chance to say hello, grasping Jasper in a fierce hug. At the same time, Esme moved forward to embrace me. Esme approached with a cautious smile, open arms, and at a much more human pace, giving me the chance to move away if I felt threatened.

I didn't. From what I had heard of Esme, she was a paragon of warmth and patience, the proverbial mother of the Cullen family.

"I'm Esme." She whispered in my ear, although she didn't have to introduce herself. I recognized the lot of them from the photos on Jasper's desk—the ones from Edward and Bella's wedding. I felt a twinge of pain as I remembered the photo of my parents once again, but I quickly trampled the feeling down as quickly as it had arisen. "It's so delightful to finally meet you."

Then, Esme and Alice switched with such practiced ease it could have been a dance. She didn't have to introduce herself. Alice had snuck away to visit us twice in the last few years, though it was mostly to visit Jasper, I was familiar enough with her by now that I could call her a friend.

"Don't worry." She said, too quietly to be overheard by the man beside me. "We'll be having plenty of girl time before the ceremony."

For the first time since we'd left North Dakota, I laughed.

"Let me introduce everyone else." She said loud enough to be overheard as she pulled away. "You just met Esme, of course. This is her husband Carlisle." She began, pulling away to nod at a polished man with impeccable posture, but incredibly kind eyes. They were amber, of course, just like Jasper's.

Then, she gestured to a burly man with an arm around a tall, blonde beauty.

"Emmett and Rosalie." Then, she moved on to a brunette pair, and even if it hadn't been for the photos Jasper cherished, I would have guessed who they were instantly. The resemblance was obvious. "And Edward and Bella, Renesmee's parents."

"Of course, you already know Renesmee and Jacob." She finished.

Just like he had back in Texas, Jacob was standing slightly in front of Renesmee, shielding her from me as if I were bound to go for her jugular at any moment. It was at least subtler now than it had been, his body only half a step forward, and angled awkwardly. Still, it was obvious to everyone there why he was positioned like that. Even Renesmee noticed, though she made it her business to roll her eyes, step forward, and elbow Jacob sharply in the ribs when he tried to shift himself so that he was still between us.

He really didn't need to be so worried. It was true that Renesmee smelled different from any other vampire I'd ever met, but she didn't exactly smell human, either. There was something cloying about her scent that signaled very clearly to me that she wasn't prey. The musky scent of the animals whose blood I could still barely tolerate was more appetizing than hers. Not that I felt the need to explain that to Jacob when Renesmee herself so clearly understood that I wasn't a threat. She was glad to see me, something I wasn't sure I would ever get used to

Perhaps it was my first interaction with Seth, or the horrible stench that radiated from them, but I wasn't particularly fond of the shifters. Jacob seemed to feel much the same way. He had been practically vibrating with worry since the moment I stepped out of Jasper's truck, and the resignation that underlined it made it very obvious that he had only gone along with inviting me to please Renesmee.

"Welcome to our home." Esme said with a grin, but I didn't have the chance to reply properly before Alice linked one of her arms through mine.

"You know, there are still a few loose ends we need to tie up with the wedding plans." She grinned as she tugged me towards the front door. "It'll be good practice, don't you think?"

I laughed a little too loudly at that. I knew that she had to be joking, but a little comic relief was more than welcome after the twenty-three hours of tense silence that Jasper and I had spent together on the drive to Forks.

"And here, I thought you were supposed to be psychic." I teased as we headed upstairs, Rosalie's bright red stilettos clicking softly against the floor behind us.

"Oh, I don't know." Rosalie drawled. "It's been a few decades now, Emmett and I might renew our vows soon. I do love how lace has been coming back into fashion for wedding gowns. God bless Kate Middleton for that."

"Who is Kate Middleton?" I asked, bewildered.

"You really have been living under a rock if you haven't heard about the royal wedding." Rosalie laughed. "It wasn't that long ago that you couldn't get away from it, even here in Forks. Now, everything is about the royal baby."

"I really don't get the fascination with a royal family an ocean away." I said, scrunching up my nose as we stepped into what I assumed was Alice's bedroom. "Oh, wow. You weren't joking."

Maybe it was what I should have expected, given that she travelled with a seven-piece coach luggage set and wore designer shoes, even on a farm in the middle of nowhere, but the room was absolutely bedecked in all things matrimonial. There were stacks of bridal magazines everywhere, a different floral arrangement on every available surface, a mannequin with a partially assembled wedding dress, scraps of fabric and lace, and that was on top of the impeccable interior designer decor.

"I don't think I'm really qualified to help make any of these decisions." I perched myself up on the foot of the bed, one of the only places that was still available to sit on. "Although I do like the arrangement with the red roses. It's classic romance, and it'll compliment Renesmee well as an accent color if we go for a darker shade like burgundy."

Alice and Rosalie exchanged a look before the latter closed the door. Most of the rest of the family were outside, joking around as Emmett challenged Jasper to a wrestling match.

"I told you she had good taste." Alice said with a grin. "But all that can wait. We wanted to check in on you first. This was just our excuse to get you away from the others."

"Check in on me?" I looked at her blankly. "If there are going to be human guests, you don't have to worry. I'm not exactly a newborn anymore."

"I know things have been . . . difficult between you and Jasper." She said with a mild expression of gentle concern.

"Just because you know things, doesn't mean you should say them." I said, but without the bite I wanted to. "I'm not the one with the problem. It's Jasper. He treats me like I'm his patient, and when he isn't treating me like a patient, he treats me like a child."

"Just show him that you're a woman." Rosalie shrugged, like it was the easiest thing in the world. "If anyone needs a little romance, it's Jasper."

"Don't you think I've tried?" I deflated quickly, like a balloon that had been filled to overflowing. "He just pushes me away every time I try; the last time, it was obvious he thought I wasn't of sound mind to make such a decision."

"Ouch." Rosalie grimaced, as if she couldn't imagine that kind of rejection.

"Maybe I'll go talk to him." Alice said, disappearing before I could dissuade her.

I groaned, laying back on the bed and pulling my arm over my face.

"Come on," Rosalie stood with a tiny energetic hop to accentuate her words, clearly trying to cheer me up. "Let's pick you out a dress! And I have to get started on figuring out the best color eye shadow for you to use!"

We had just started to work out the details of how Rosalie wanted me to style my hair when I finally had the nerve to ask the question that had been burning in the back of my mind since the girls had brought up my lack of a real relationship with Jasper.

"How much of your human life do you remember? I mean, I know that Alice doesn't remember hers at all, and most other vampires only remember bits and pieces of it, but do you think you're a different person now than when you were human? Do you think Emmett would have liked you better that way?"

Rosalie was quiet for a moment as she worked on gently brushing out the non-existent tangles in my hair.

"No, Emmett would have hated me as a human, and I wouldn't have given him the time of day. If you had put us next to each other then, we would have been complete opposites. I was high society. He wasn't. I was shallow and self-centered. He was real."

She met my eyes in the reflection in the mirror as she continued.

"I don't remember much of my human life. But at the time, I thought it was perfect. I had everything I wanted. I was so angry when I realized it had all been taken away from me, that I could never have my perfect life again. I couldn't have children. I think that's the thing that hurt the most, it still does. When I found Emmett, some of that pain, the anger, it started to evaporate. He gave this life a meaning it didn't have before. Looking at us now, you wouldn't have known it, but it wasn't easy at first. Even after his newborn year. We weren't intimate with each other for a long time. Most of that was my fault. I was afraid of getting hurt. I still had one very strong human memory, and it was holding me back from fully trusting him. For me, I had to let go of that memory in order to be free to love Emmett. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I had to let go of my anger and my expectations of perfection, and the feeling of loss over not being able to have a child to really experience all that I had gained. I think I know where you're going with this, and I think you're right. Sometimes having a human memory gets in the way of moving forward. But a small part of me wonders if I didn't have those human memories, would I realize all the good that I have now? Sometimes, you have to remember the bad to recognize the good. My life was perfect, and that was lost to me. That's bad. But I gained Emmett. And that's all the good I need."

I let out a long breath as I drew my eyes from hers to my own, as if my reflection in the looking glass would speak to me. Not the woman I was now, but the woman I used to be.

"Jasper told me a lot about my human life. He knew me, knew so much about me." I admitted softly, as her fingers twirled in my hair, twisting it this way and that and tucking it at the back of my head in a fancy, plaited updo. "My life wasn't perfect. I wasn't happy. And the small pieces of happiness I had . . . most of them are gone now. I have my art, but . . . I don't know if I even want to remember, sometimes. I don't know if I could handle that much pain again."