Isabella longed for death fire licked through her veins, burning her from the inside out as she laid paralyzed in the snow. Her screams echoed through the woods, but no one heard them. The cemetery was too far from town. The Cullens were out of town for the weekend, Jasper was gone; there was nobody to save her from this pain. She was begging for death, for someone to put her out of her misery and let her be with Jasper, let her be happy again.

The thunder couldn't have matched to her screams as they rung through the dark night air. Animals that prowled the night gave her a wide berth, and smaller creatures pressed deeper into their burrows. As she burned she tried to unearth the happy memories of the happy times that she had had with Jasper, her friendship with the odd Cullens, the years with her family that she had lost at the young age of sixteen. She remembered her baby that she had for a very few hours. She remembered every kiss, every sensation, every touch and every moment that she had ever shared with Jasper.

Isabella's heart slowly began to stop, she could feel it, the fire reaching its climax as it engulfed her heart in white hot flames. Her back arched with the agony as it hurt worse, and worse, and worse, and- as quickly as it started it the moment she was conceived, her heart had thrummed to a stop, her body gently relaxed, her lungs empty, her pain gone and her screams silenced, she died.

But she didn't feel dead.

Slowly opened her eyes. Everything was so clear and defined it almost took her—she gasped. Air entered, but her lungs felt hollow and useless. She held her breath but felt no urge to turned her eyes back to the scenery. She could see colors that she had never seen before in her life. Her hair was darker, longer, and fell well past her shoulders. Her body was harder, her jaw strong and set. The curve of her hip was graceful and attractive. She felt a rush slamming through her. She felt stronger, like stone, like she could do anything. She could hear things that she was sure had to be miles away. She could smell things that she has never smelled before in her life. No—something—smelled better than anything she had ever smelled in her life. She wanted it. Bad. Her throat burned as if someone was branding the back of her throat. It was mouth watering to her, her mind zeroed in on the smell, her body moving to stand, her eyes wide and sharp, stared at the source of the tantalizing aroma.

It was a boy.

A teenage boy with dark brown ringlets who had lost his mother a few months ago. He was clutching a bundle of flowers in his hands and tears flowing down his cheeks. Isabella could hear the wet thump of his heart, could sense the blood pulsing through his veins, her whole body tingled with such desire that she had never felt before.. Without a second thought she lunged at him. The boy never saw it coming. It took her less than half a second to reach him, and by the time he realized what had happened he was already dead.

Isabella sank her teeth into his throat, shuddering as the warm blood gushed into her mouth and trickled down her chin. When the blood hit her tongue she forgot everything. Nothing mattered, just that she needed more. The pain in her throat eased, her stomach felt warm and tingly, like she had just done shots at the pub. Once she had drained him dry she pulled away and looked at his face. It was so white and lifeless. She dropped him and stumbled back like he had just insulted her. What had she done? She touched the blood on her chin and looked it on her white fingertips. The sight of it sent little electrical sensations down her throat. She licked her fingers clean.

She had killed someone.

She regarded the body of the boy curiously. Her teeth had cut through his skin like butter, like it wasn't even there at all. She had killed him, drank his blood for God's sake. She took another step back. What kind of a monster was she? She had killed a child. What would Jasper think of her? A sob escaped her throat, but she felt no tears form. Rage was building up inside her. Rage, confusion, loss, agony. She wanted to leave her body, to leave this cemetery, this world.

She did the only thing she could do.

She ran.

2010

Isabella-Bella she liked to be called now- was wondering around downtown Seattle like it was normal for a vampire to be outside during the day.

Yes, a vampire.

She was a monster.

It had taken her a few hundred years to figure it out, to hear enough stories and once the internet came around it was all too clear. She knew, and it killed her that she had had to live this long without Jasper. She had met other vampires, but their looks outdid their charm and her amusement with them soon faded. There was a hole in her heart in the shape of Jasper, no one else fit, and secretly she didn't want them to. But she had to wonder, even if he were here with her, what would he think of her?

She knew how disappointed he would be with her for killing innocent people. She had heard about vampires that drank animal blood instead, but she couldn't do it. It made her feel low and dirty. She loved the sweet aroma of humans, how she could lure them in easily just by her looks and her musical voice. Desire was always the easiest to get what she wanted. Men of the 21st century were, at best, slobbering buffoons wanting a crack at the first hot piece of ass that crossed their line of sight. But no matter how disgusting the men she preyed on might have been, after killing her victim she could always see Jasper's face crumpled in disgust and anger in her mind. It tore at her dead heart. It made her hate herself. She tried starving herself but other nomad vampires made her eat, trying to help her.

But she couldn't be helped.

She needed Jasper.

It was a cloudy day in Seattle. It was the only reason she was out during the day today. She kept her eyes downcast as she walked, but some people caught sight of the burning blackness in her eyes and either crossed the street or picked up pace as she walked past. These humans were smarter. On the other hand, there were those who still let lose wolf whistles and hollered rude remarks about her ass. Her throat burned. She was planning on 'hunting' tonight. She needed a new outfit since she was going to a club instead of finding some idiot on the street, and she had nothing to wear. Her jeans were in tatters her top wasn't much better. She had a number of different outfits at home, but she was bored and wanted a new one. She had the money since in her desperate boredom over the years had she opened a successful flower shop that had branched into shops around the country that were hers to control.

Bella was walking down the street watching couples pass her, their bodies intertwined not paying attention to the rest of the world, just to each other. This time, instead of her throat, her chest went up in flames. Bella was envious of them, desperately envious, wanting nothing more than to rip them apart and kill them. She wanted to take away their happiness just like hers was taken away. As she watched another couple go by she pictured it her and Jasper walking down the busy street of Seattle, not having a care in the world, only each other. Whispering sweet words to each other, stealing kisses, laughing at each other's jokes or going over the time that they had spent together and how much they were looking forward to the future.

Her hands formed fists at her sides. Venom tears built up in her eyes but they would never truly fall onto her pale cheeks.

"I would give anything just for you to be here with me," she whispered to the wind, hoping somehow Jasper could hear her words.

Bella gripped her silver heart locket into her palm, giving it a careful squeeze so she wouldn't crush it. She still had the locket that her Jasper had given her so many, many years ago. It had a faded picture of her and Jasper in it. There was this loneliness inside her that was so relentless. She looked at the picture often even though she had it memorized, but she still needed to see it, she still needed know he had been real.

She needed to know that she wasn't a psychotic vampire that sometimes heard his voice. That it was somewhat okay that she could sometimes feel his touch on her body when she was sad, feel a kiss on her forehead when she was about to burst with anger. He was haunting her in the worst and best possible ways. Some days she wanted him to leave her alone, yet be there for her when she just about couldn't take it anymore.

Shaking his face from her mind, she entered one of the many shops that were in the city. Looking around, nothing seemed to catch her eye. It wasn't a really fancy store. But it had some interesting stuff in the display window. That was where the coolness ended. She wanted something that would standout, something that made her sexy and beautiful; something that she would love Jasper to see her in. It always came back to Jasper; it had always been that way. Some of the vampires that she had met said it wasn't healthy to live in the past, that everyone you know dies sometime and all you can do it keep going.

All except for one.

Spencer was his name. He had found his mate Emma not long after he had met Bella back in 1880.

Spencer had just moved to America when they had met. He came from England he wanted to get away from the mess in Europe, hoping for something more and thinking he could find it in the Americas. He was the first one to make Bella smile, laugh and even had her tell him her first joke in years. It took awhile for all of it to happen and it didn't happen all at once, but once it did happen they were inseparable from then on. He was her best friend.

She told him about her human life; she told him about Jasper and her baby that she had lost; she told him how she was forced into this painful world. In return he told her about what he remembered about his human life and everything about him up until that point in time. He'd had it a little better before he was changed, nothing like the upbringing of Bella.

After a few hundred years together they decided to take their different paths. It was a friendly parting with promises of reunions and self preservation. They promised each other that they would stay out of trouble, much to Spencer's discontent.

She and Spencer had gotten into all kinds of trouble. Bella laughed out loud, drawing a few curious stares from others as she thought about all of the things that her and Spencer had done together, either to each other or someone else. The dirty jokes that they shared with each other were some of the best; most of them would have made her blush if she was human. It was the first time Bella had laughed out loud since she had left Spencer. She had left him twenty years ago, and she hadn't been quite right since then. He was the first thing that had made her feel somewhat "alive", if you could call it that, in what seemed like an eternity. She would never truly be whole without Jasper, but Spencer helped a lot when she was with him.

Bella's laughter ended as quickly as it had come, as if it never even happened, as her features fell back into their usual sadness. Jasper had been gone for 144 years, and his words still played in her head. "I just want you to be happy."

She laughed again, but it was bitter, Yeah back then I also had an easier way out, she thought, I would have been happier dead than dealing with this.

If not seconds later she felt a soft kiss on her lips, making her whimper, her still heart contracting, and then snarled in anger. How dare he do this to her? How dare he torture her in the worst way possible and she couldn't even do anything to take it away; to make him stop with the kisses, the caresses, the whispers? Her mind raced and she took a deep breath to steady herself. Her thirst was making her edgy. After all, when she really thought about it, she didn't him to go. She would crack if he did.

It was her last hope, her only reason for not going to Italy.

He knew he was missing something in his life, his existence, whatever someone would call what he had; he just didn't know what it was. He had been living for almost two centuries and he still hadn't found what he was bothering him. He had been all over the world, met every kind of person he could imagine and seen things that were beyond comparison, and still felt wanting. His best friend Alice wouldn't give him answers and it really frustrated him. He knew she knew what he was looking for; she was a psychic, and was keeping it from him, much to his dislike.

At times the blond vampire had gotten desperate enough to leave his, what Alice called, family, to seek out the reason for his discomfort; to find what it was but never had any luck. He would always return depressed and angry, taking it out on his food, whatever it was he found. It angered him that he didn't know what he was looking for; it pushed his temper to no end that he couldn't even control his own existence. He felt endlessly driven by the hole in his life. He often wondered if it was too late. If it was a something or a someone, or if it was even still around or alive.

What exactly was it? He had a coven that loved him, which had turned into a family slowly over time, he had changed his diet so now he was feeding off of animals so the burden of being a killer no longer sat on his cold heart, and he had a best friend that had helped him when he needed it most. He had everything he wanted but something was still missing. Was it a mate?

Yes, all of the others had someone that they loved. Him being an empath, that is, he could kind of taste and manipulate emotions, knew that everyone loved their mate dearly, would do anything for them, and do anything to keep them safe. Was it the brunette that he had day dreamed about? It was like a memory though, a daydream, maybe not even a real person. He had no idea who this woman was, what was she to him?

He groaned in frustration, "Damn it all to hell." he hissed, pressing the heels of his hands to his face.

He was sitting in his so called room, pacing like a cadged animal trying to think of the reasons why this woman was so important. Who could she be? Why couldn't he remember? Why was she always on his mind, just touching the corners of his memories? Was she important to him at one time? Was it one of the many vampires he killed during his time with Maria? He shuddered at the thought.

"Jasper, quit thinking about it before you give yourself an aneurism," Edward chuckled from downstairs

Jasper growled at him, "Shut the hell up, Eddie. Stay out of my head."

Edward growled back at him. Jasper knew he hated that nickname, and used it to piss him off. Edward, being the mind reader in the family, knew all of the turmoil going on inside of Jasper's head. Alice was right by Edward's side to comfort him. Edward was such a baby sometimes. Jasper, feeling their love for each other, balled his hands into white-knuckled fists. He wanted that, he wanted to be loved even after all of the mistakes that he had made, after them seeing all of the scars all over his body, after all that had been done. Could someone really love him after all of that? He didn't think anyone could. He had acted like life, even unnatural life, was dispensable. The emotions around him were too much for him, he couldn't take the buttons they pushed. He jumped from his window and started to run, he didn't know where nor did he really care where he ended up as long as he was away from the house.

Away from the love.

After running for sometime he slowed, not really knowing where he was. Trees were all around him, he figured that he was still in Washington. The forest he stood in was thick with mossy wide-trunked trees. Something was moving in the distance ahead of him. He figured it was an animal and he wasn't thirsty so he decided not to go after whatever it was. He chose instead to go to his spot that he had found when he was hunting one day a while ago. He took off sprinted towards it, moving through the forest with the ease of a well aimed bullet. He slowed when he reached his destination; it was a rocky cliff where once you come far enough out onto it you could see the ocean for miles. It was a calming place that he loved to come to when things became too much or he just wanted to get away from the world for awhile. Once he was at his spot took an unneeded breath and sunk to the ground, leaning against a soft mossy tree and staring out into the ocean, thinking about his brunette angel in peace.

"Are you real sweet angel? Or are you just going to haunt me for all of eternity?" He whispered into the air, half hoping for an answer.

The music was loud, it stunk of sweat and beer and sex, the lights were dim, some of them flashing in different colors, human bodies moved against each other all around her, and the blood—oh, the blood raced. Hearing and seeing their blood pumping in their veins, seeing the thin layer of sweat on them from all of the moving, tasting the energy in the air, the body heat that surrounded them like an alluring aura. The sensation was overwhelming.

Bella smiled sweetly at her newest victim, he was tall and muscular he had jet black hair and brown eyes just like she had had when she was human. He had been staring at her all night, lust shamelessly glowing in his eyes as soon as he saw her walk into the club. Her tight, blue long sleeve shirt, tight painted-on jeans and heels, her makeup was done perfectly making her blue contacts pop with the colors. She was quite the catch, she knew. Her hair was curled at the ends and her bangs pinned back into a poof on the top of her head. No man could've resisted. The tall man walked over to her, whispering if she wanted to leave this place. His breath washed down her neck. He stunk like booze.

This was too easy, she thought, some guilt trickling into her mind as the unbearable burning in the back of her throat reminded her of what she was about to do.

She smiled deviously, swallowing the guilt and letting herself become lost in the perfume of his blood. She agreed on leaving the club, and he took her hand and laced their fingers, he never commented on how cold her hands were. They never did when they were drunk. He pulled her out the door quickly. She could feel how fast his heart was pumping, where all his blood was rushing. Her contacts disintegrated as her venom glands became active. By the time they were in his car she had to take several rapid, calming breathes to tame her feral side. She tapped her fingers rapidly against her thigh.

The man tried to make conversation as he drove, doing his best to be hammered and polite and drive and not be too obvious about his fantasies. After going through two red lights Bella suggested they walk. The man, not really lucid, agreed and parked badly along a no parking zone curb. The two climbed out and Bella took the drunk man's arm as they walked. They turned down an alley and she could almost feel him against her as he turned and pressed his body against hers.

"I want you," he slurred, trailing his lips down her neck.

Bella, disgusted, smiled, "Oh, but I want you more."

She grabbed him by the shoulders and slammed him into the wall opposite them. He hissed in pain as his back came in contact with the wall but he became aroused with it, he always liked it a bit rough in the bedroom and he had no problem with it now. This, above all, disgusted and depressed Bella. This man thought he was about to be in for the night of his life, when really she was about to take it from him. Bella gave him a tight, wicked smile before placing a heated kiss on his lips, his hands slowly moving to her chest. She growled and pinned them against the wall, not wanting him to touch her not wanting his filthy hands all over her. She was Jasper's; she had always been and would always be his.

She heard the man let out a faint groan she wouldn't have heard it if she didn't have her vampire hearing. She smiled against his lips, trailing them down his chin, jaw and finally his throat. His breathing had picked up; liking the torture that Bella was giving him. Bondage had always freaked her out. She didn't like this man. She placed a gentle kiss on this pulse that was torturing her, and then bit down hard on the soft skin of his neck, tainted blood filling her mouth. It flowed down her throat, soothing the burn, and she took it greedily and all to quickly he was drained much to her displeasure. She dropped his empty body to the ground.

Once the high she had worn off, guilt took over in place of hunger. She had just taken a loved one away from somebody. He could have had a family that loved him dearly and she just took him away from them. Just like her Jasper was. She stared at the man's body for a second longer. The guilt was like a weight on her shoulders, making her feel heavy and tired. She wondered if it ever went away.

She had fixed him so it looked like he was murdered; ripping his clothes, taking his wallet from his pocket, messing up his hair and making it look like his throat had been slashed. Once the process was done, she looked in his wallet wanting yet not wanting to know who she had killed. Ryan See was his name.

He was only 22.

She had killed a young, innocent man. Guilt, pain, depression and self-loathing entered her as she left him. She hated herself.

"Please forgive Jasper," she whispered as she ran as far away as she could away from Ryan See.

Poor Bella and Jasper! You didn't think that I was going to let them reunite again this soon did you? If you did...sorry, but they're not. I hate leaving them apart so they might come back together soon, who knows? So I want to thank you for all of you that commented making me write this and keep it going so, since I asked for ten last time I'm going to ask the same, ten more please? I'll let you barrow Jasper for a little while. *wink* So this was beta'd by one of my good friends Taylor, and we do not own Twilight but I do however own the plot and a new fuzzy blanket.

Playlist for this chapter:

My Immortal~ Evanescence

Everytime~ Britney Spears

Hate Me~ Blue October

Haunted~ Kelly Clarkson

My Curse~ Killswitch Engage

Far Away~ Nickelback

Here Without You~ 3 Doors Down