Updating back-to-back because that's how I roll. *ahem* Anyway, here we go! And I can't go further without a huge thank-you to Belphegor for the foreign language advice and general comments that assured me that yes, indeed, I can write humor.

Adventure awaits! (No, not really).

Chapter One: An Itty-Bitty Problem

Meanwhile, the actual RED Spy was sitting up off of one of the beds in the Respawn Room, clutching at his balaclava and groaning. Coming back to life was neither a comfortable nor heavenly experience despite what Hollywood might think. Wave after wave of nausea hit him and he felt like he'd been hit by a two-ton truck.

Well, he had been backstabbed by the BLU Spy and then caught in a firestorm between the BLU Pyro and their own Soldier as he bled out. He couldn't say for certain, but the experience could have been something like being hit by a truck.

Ignoring his headache, Spy glanced up at the ticking clock on the wall and sighed in relief. Only a few more minutes left in the day. He hesitantly hoisted himself off of the bed, still not completely trusting his limbs to get the job done. The wobbling in his legs was secondary to the scene replaying in his mind. How had the BLU Spy gotten the better of him? He was so careful, so quiet…

"Ah, Herr Spy, good of you to join me."

And now the Medic was getting the jump on him as well.

"Bonsoir, docteur." Spy nodded as he turned around, mollified in seeing he wasn't the only one who'd suffered a Respawn in the last few minutes. "What 'appened to you?"

"Ze BLU Sniper." Medic sighed as he pushed his glasses up his nose and hopped off his bed. "He is good, I vill give him credit vhere it is due. I only hope Herr Heavy is all right."

A faint swoosh signaled the beginning of Respawn. Medic peered at the table he'd previously occupied with worry, but relaxed as a lean, lanky body materialized. "Ack, it is just Scout—"

The gentle swooshing of Respawn suddenly became a violent screech. A faint explosion threw Spy and Medic backwards, the Frenchman instantly grabbing the doctor and pulling him further away from the epicenter. He pressed the Medic up against the wall even as he screwed his eyes shut against the harsh flashing light that followed the explosion. The air crackled and popped with electrical surges. Heat washed over both men and for a panicked instant Spy wondered if the entire base was going to go up in flames.

Then, as quickly as it happened, it stopped.

For a long moment both Medic and Spy remained frozen, breathing hard and listening to the distant whirring of machinery. Finally Medic scowled. "I am not a Kind, Spy, get off of me this instant!"

Spy ignored the indignant German as he stood, stepping cautiously back over to where Scout was.

Or, more accurately, where Scout should have been.

"Mon dieu!" Spy's eyes narrowed, "The boy 'as been vaporized!"

Indeed, there was nothing left of the RED Scout save for his clothes. The Medic stood slowly, grumbling about old age, and nudged the pile of clothes with his boot. His icy blue eyes were sorrowful for a moment. At his best Scout had been a nuisance, but his doves seemed to have taken a liking to the boy and the speedster was usually very gentle with them…

Then those eyes lit up again. "Vaporized! How intriguing! I vonder vat Scout felt in his last moments, oh, I vill have to start whole new experiments!" And with that he left the Respawn Room, muttering something about medicinal discoveries of the age.

Spy continued to stare down at the crumpled pile. He'd never liked Scout, but he never would have wish vaporization on him either. Well, maybe once or twice when the idiot spilled milk all over his expensive suits. Spy rubbed the back of his neck. He tried to think of something nice to say, but any and all eulogies that came to his mind involved taking potshots at Scout's virginity.

"Pauvre garçon," he mumbled, drawing his disguise kit/cigarette case out of one pocket and a lighter out of the other.

"Bat!"

The lighter froze a few inches away from the cigarette. Spy turned around slowly.

And there, wearing nothing but a black baseball cap, was a toddler. And not just any toddler, but an oddly familiar toddler with a buck-tooth grin and floppy Dumbo-like ears. His wide eyes took in Spy before the cap remembered it was too big for such a little head and slid down. As Spy watched, stunned, the buck-naked boy stood himself up on chubby legs and waddled over to the pile of clothes. From it he produced a baseball bat. "Boink," the boy chuckled as he plopped himself down.

Merde alors… Spy slapped a hand to his face. Oh, that 'boink' was all too familiar. Scout hadn't been killed after all—of course the boy couldn't do anything so simple as die. Scout grinned up at Spy. "Bat!" he exclaimed, struggling to hold up the heavy aluminum weapon.

Spy cursed inwardly. He'd never hear the end of it from the Engineer if he let a child wander around with weapons. He crouched down to eye-level with Scout. One gloved hand wrapped itself around the bat.

Having grown up with seven older brothers, Scout knew right away when someone was going to take his toys away. And this strange man with no face was not going to get his bat. "No." He clutched his toy closer. His eyes narrowed.

"Scout, you imbecile," Spy hissed, "give it to me before you 'urt yourself!"

Scout shrieked as Spy tried to tug the bat away. "NO! MINE!"

Fortunately Spy was spared a shouting match with a toddler by the Administrator's harsh voice booming a RED victory. Spy paused, smiling in spite of himself. His teammates were fools, but they were efficient fools. Scout had also frozen at the Administrator's voice, but instead of being placated he inched towards Spy.

"Zis day is just getting better and better!" Medic exclaimed from the resupply room.

Spy glanced between the bay doors and the little Scout before scooping the boy and his accessories up. The boy squawked and struggled to get out of Spy's arms, but the Frenchman held him firmly as he could. "Docteur… we 'ave a…eh…small problem."

Medic had been bustling about his locker, emptying it out for the weekend, but at Spy's words he glanced backwards. "Was ist das? Vhich of our teammates is father to a bouncing baby boy?"

"It's not—'e's not—no one is—nom de Dieu, Scout, stop wriggling this instant before I drop you!"

The Medic's perfectly groomed eyebrows shot up into his perfectly groomed hair. "Scout." He repeated flatly.

"Oui, docteur, it seems 'e was not vaporized at all…just, eh, shrunk."

"Shrunk? Scout ist ein Kind?" Medic's eyes widened in delight. "How intriguing! Und, er, Spy, you are going to drop him if you hold him like that. Give him to me."

Anyone else on the RED team would've hesitated before handing a small child over to the resident crazy doctor. But there were few things Spy hated more than children, especially if said child was Scout, and handed him over without a qualm.

The Medic shushed the protesting Scout and repositioned him in his arms. "Oof, someone has been into the cookie jar. Ve should get him some clothes und see how much he remembers."

From Medic's arms Scout glared at Spy. Spy glared right back before tossing Scout's clothes at the Medic's feet. Medic smirked and placed Scout down on a bench. "Bat," Scout squeaked as he waved his favorite toy around.

"Ja, ja, Scout, your precious bat." Medic rolled his eyes as he picked up Scout's stained shirt. He pulled out a pair of scissors from his lab coat and set it work with a steady surgeon's hand. Both Scout and Spy watched with interest as Medic messily tailored the shirt into something manageable for their small charge.

"I did not know you sewed." Spy frowned.

"A small hobby to keep one's fingers flexible. Ah, zis looks good." He squeezed the makeshift shirt over Scout's head along with Scout's signature dogtags. He then replaced Scout's too-big cap on his head.

It slipped down again and Scout peeked out with a giggle. "Hi."

"Guten tag, Kind." Medic allowed himself a small smile. "Now, what's your name?"

"Scout." The boy pointed to himself proudly.

"Gut. Und I am?"

Scout stared at him with a puzzled expression until something caught his eye. He pointed to the stethoscope hanging from Medic's locker. "Wassat?"

"Scout," Medic pulled Spy over, "do you recognize this man?"

Scout tilted his head to the side. "Whosat?"

Medic sighed. Lost medical license or not, the German had a keen mind and could analyze a situation almost as well as the Engineer. He pushed his glasses up his nose as they slipped again. "He does not recognize us. It appears zat Respawn malfunctioned, und in ze process of healing our Scout it reverted him back to a younger age."

"But we are fine!" Spy gestured to himself and the doctor, "'ow could it 'ave effected only a single member of the team?"

Medic shrugged. "I have no idea. For now, ve will handle ze situation at hand. Ze rest of the team must be informed." He caught Scout as the little boy tried to scoot off of the bench. "As our chatty little friend would usually say 'Zank God for Friday', hm?"

Spy sighed as he patted around his suit for his cigarette case. He had a feeling he was going to need a whole lot more before the weekend ended.

Oh, Spy, you child-hater you. No rewards for guessing who's going to get some bonding time with Scout in the future. (Hint: It's not the Medic).

In the next chapter: cupcakes, conundrums, and cuteness! Stay tuned!

Thanks for reading. :)

~Chaos