So, I managed to type up this chapter at school. My laptop is still out of it! Pray that it comes back soon. I'll update all my stories with an Author Note when Jacob is fixed and back in my arms again!

Oh. And whoever can figure out the name of my favorite band of the moment gets a Smiley Award!

(Hint-Hint: Google the title of this chapter...)

Chapter Two: To the Nth Degree…

JPOV

Clearwater... Leah Clearwater... How do I even begin to describe Leah Clearwater?

OCD, anal retentive, anger issues, bossy, annoying, crass, prone to overusing curse words, sexy, beautiful, banging body, long legs, full lips, soft hair, gorgeous eyes, any red-blooded male's wet dream...

All I can say is, thank God Heidi is always ready and willing.

(Bang-thud)

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Screamed the voice beyond my paper-thin bedroom wall. "Oy vey... Can't get a good night's sleep... Asshole man-whore can't keep his snake in a cage... Can't fuckin' stand that shit face..." Her voice faded away into nothing. Three seconds later, the sound of a blender was heard along with the sound of an infomercial.

Well... It was two in the morning...

"Who was that?" Heidi asked from under me. Our railroads were still crossing, if you get my drift. (I'm sorry for this lame saying! My older cousin- she's sort of a slut- said that to me once, and I almost died laughing!) I sighed and rolled off of her.

"I'm sorry, Dee Dee." I sighed. "It's just my crazy next door neighbor." My' sexy, crazy next door neighbor' was what I wanted to say.

"It's no problem, Jake. I have the same problem back at the loft." She laughed. "For a self proclaimed Southern Belle, Chelsea sure has no problem getting down and dirty."She glanced at me again, and then gasped. I jumped, thinking she was being strangled. But no, she was fine.

Her next words had me regretting that I ever invited her over.

"You like her!" She whisper-yelled harshly. Thank God she took into consideration the paper thin wall that separated our bedrooms.

"What!" Was I that transparent? "No way! Eww!"

"Oh yeah... You've got it bad, Black..." She pretended to wipe away a tear. "It's so damn cute! You have a crush on her!"

"Could you be more high school?"

"You like her, you like her, you really, really like her...!" Heidi ignored me and hummed happily. Then she sighed. "It's like watching my little brother go through puberty."

"Yeah. Because everyone goes down on their little brother..." I muttered, already yawning.

I woke up early the next morning with Heidi sleeping soundly, curled under my arm. Making sure not to disturb her, I got out of bed and threw on my boxers, shuffling to my living room to find something to eat. The vent above my living room connected to Clearwater's apartment and I could smell bacon and other breakfast-y smells coming from her apartment.

The coffee beans were grinding and my instant oatmeal was cooking my microwave when I realized that something was up. I looked down and noticed something very disturbing. With a cry of horror, I ran to my bathroom, cell phone in hand.

I needed a voice of reason.

"Yo, yo, yo, Black! My main man! Mi amigo por vida! My brudda from anudda mudda! What's crack a lackin, son!" Emmett boomed from the other end of the phone. How someone could be so energetic at this time of the morning was beyond me.

"Emmett... I have a problem."

"Is it lady troubles? Cause you know I gotchu!" He laughed. "I'm an expert with the ladays..."

"No you aren't and no! Emmett, I can see my feet!"

"I know. It's a wonder that you didn't lose your foot in Shop class that one time. Why? Did you have that nightmare again?"

"No, Emmett. I can see my feet. When I stand up straight and look down, I see my feet and the floor."

"Lucky bastard. I can't see mine. Rosie said that if I got any fatter, then she's going to start rolling me down the street –you know how she is about her car- and she'd screw Edward for her O-fix. I knew that was a lie because she lurves me and Edward annoys her. Besides, this is all muscle, not fat!"

"EMMETT!" I yelled, going way beyond the point of frustration. "I CAN SEE MY FEET!"

He was silent (from confusion, the dumbass.) for a while and didn't say anything. I was just about to drop it and hang up when...

"OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD. YOU CAN SEE YOUR FEET!" I nodded before I realized he couldn't see me and said yes.

"But wait... If you start seeing your feet at the ripe old age of 33, then where is the hope for the rest of us old bastards?"

"I don't know." I cried, on the verge of tears. "Emmett, I've had morning wood every day since I turned thirteen. Why? Oh my gosh. I forgot what my feet looked like. Has that mole always been on my ankle?"

"Dude. Calm the fuck down. I'll take you to Hooter's for lunch today. Maybe that will help." He said, finally serious. "We'll get your wood back! Don't worry, buddy!"

"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you." I said. I hung up and sighed, glancing down at my boxers and whimpering when Jacob Jr. didn't magically rise like I was hoping. A knock on my apartment door jolted me out of my thoughts and I ran to answer it, hoping that it was Emmett. Somehow, I expected my best friend to appear outside my door three seconds after hanging up on him.

It wasn't Emmett.

I peeked my head out of the door, making sure to cover my shame. "What do you want, Clearwater?"

"I was just coming here to tell you that I'm sorry." She shrugged, crossing her arms and smirking. "I had a change of heart once I made a smoothie and fell asleep on the couch. And no, this isn't a trick. I meant it when I said I didn't mind an active sex life. Even if it's murder on my bedroom wall."

"Well… Thanks." I said, looking her up and down. She was dressed for work, with a tight pencil skirt, a teal blouse, and pantyhose. She was wearing slippers with huge stuffed puppies on the toes. I raised an eyebrow, but said nothing.

"No prob." She turned and shuffled back to her apartment door. I called her again and she turned.

"Spare some bacon?" Leah disappeared for a second and came back with a napkin.

"All you get is two, Black." She laughed. "One of these days, you're gonna buy me a pack of bacon. I'm tired of funding your addiction."

"Whatever." I closed my door and smiled, stuffing a piece into my mouth. Leah always made the best bacon; not too soft and oily, not too crispy and burnt. Just right. I glanced down again, puppy slippers on my mind. Then, I grabbed my cell phone and speed dialed Emmett. When he answered, I smiled again.

"Yeah. Disregard that last call. It was a false alarm." I hung up before he could say a word and headed to my bathroom.

It's good to be me…

C'mon everybody... To the Nth degree... READ AND REVIEW!