It was thus that Sans found himself seated on the floor of his living room with Alphys, Undyne, Papyrus, and Mettaton. At this point, even the carpet felt soft enough to fall asleep on; he hoped he could stay awake through the game…
"Oh my, darling, having trouble staying awake?" Mettaton winked.
"not at all." He whispered in the robot's ear. "listen, buddy; i'm a sci—" He caught himself. "…a sci-fi fanboy. I can...tell that form's sucking your batteries like crazy."
Mettaton put a hand over his forehead dramatically. "Alas, how could I so easily be defeated (and etc.)!"
He pulled something from the pocket of his dress.
"Extra batteries, darling."
Sans felt his smile turn quickly into a grimace.
"cheater."
"S-so here are the rules…" Alphys read from a sheet of paper, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose. "The game's called…Shorty. The s-story is…once upon a time, there was a VR netgame ruled by humans and monsters. One day, all the human characters glitched and ran amok, while the monsters became trapped inside the world of the game. Uh…and then, a single human arose. His name was Goliath, and he challenged the monsters: 'If you wanna leave, you're g-gonna have to go through me! Come challenge me when you get the SOULS of seven humans!'"
"And the good! Part! Is!" Undyne made spear-swinging with her hands at each interjection. "You get the SOULS by challenging human soldiers!"
"…Or, you can buy them by selling stuff you don't need each turn. Humans are pretty gullible." Alphys looked back down at the paper, then continued. "You can equip armor to make you stronger and help you take down enemies. You may have a class card; this will give you bonuses and skills on your journey." She shuffled the deck. "Any questions?"
Papyrus raised his hand.
"CAN I BE ON THE ROYAL GUARD? PRETTY PLEASE?"
"Papyrus, that's not the way it works…" Undyne shook her head.
"Uh, y-yeah, you have to draw a class card f—"
"YOU HAVE TO DEFEAT ME FIRST!" Undyne suplexed the couch just because she could.
"…Y-you know, let's just deal the cards first…" Alphys cut the skeleton and fish-woman off before they could form their own set of house rules, and began passing out cards.
Sans looked at each one as he received it:
Thief Class…Hoodie of the 'Hood…Slovenly Slippers…Lost N00b…Pizza on a Stick?!
Mettaton looked down at his hand.
"…I don't seem to have a class card."
"too bad, guess you have no class."
"I-it's okay, you can just play without one." Alphys ignored Sans's pun and played her own class. "Scientist."
"Captain of the Guard." Undyne grinned. "PERFECT!"
Papyrus whimpered.
Sans shrugged and laid down his thief class.
"All right, punks, so here's how it's gonna work!" Undyne's eyes glowed with excitement. "Each turn, we go to a tavern full of corrupted human data! We kick the door down! If there's anyone there…" Here she grinned. "We fight 'em! And if not…" She seemed slightly disappointed. "You, uh, loot the booze or whatever."
"I'll go first to show how it w-works." Alphys laid down a few cards. "So, I'll equip Lab Coat as my armor, which gives Scientists +2 in combat. Your own SOUL counts as a Strength Point, so that brings my Strength Level to 3. Then, for my weapon, I'll hold a Sexy Catgirl Waifu Figure; +1 to any class." She smiled. "My strength level is 4, so…let's kick D-DOWN that door!"
She drew an "Approaching Enemy?!" card and laid it on the table.
"…Annoying Hipster, level 3." She nodded. "I'm strong enough to defeat him, so I take his soul and the treasure he's holding." She demonstrated by drawing a "L00t W00t" card. "If I couldn't defeat it, I would have rolled to run away; if there was no one there, I could l-loot the booze. Now, it's Undyne's turn."
"ALL RIGHT!" Undyne threw down Imperial Armor (+4 to Royal Guard) and Leg-Protector-Things of Leg-Thing-Protecting (+3, but -1 to escape initiative). "KICK DOWN THAT DOOR!"
Alphys nodded and placed a card on the table.
"…Incredibly DETERMINED Kid, Level 20."
Silence filled the room.
"U-uh…wow, I didn't think you'd get the most powerful enemy right off the bat…" She looked at the card closer. "B-but it'll ignore you since you don't have 5 human SOULS yet."
Undyne was still strangely quiet. Then, her face erupted into a grimace.
"Hey! Punk! Come back here!" She jabbed a scaled finger at the card. "Don't you run away on me! You gotta face danger head-on!"
"…uh, Undyne, I get the feeling…that kids' kind of a freak. they're holding a knife. and licking monster dust off it."
"Oh my, darling. That almost sounds like one of the humans I've faced on my show, The Glamorous and Sexy Mettaton vs. The Evil Dastardly and etc. Forces of Humanity! Now on MTTFy every weekday at 7:00 Mt. Ebbot Central Time!"
"Excuses!" Undyne ignored Mettaton and began to rant at Sans. Meanwhile, Papyrus looked over his hand.
"…ALPHYS, I DON'T UNDERSTAND."
"Hm? What's wrong, Papyrus?"
"HOW DO I TELL WHICH CARD IS ARMOR, AND WHICH ONE IS SHOES, AND—"
"Oh, that's easy. It's just printed in the corner. See?" She pointed to her own armor.
Papyrus continued to squint at his cards.
"I'M STILL CONFUSED. I'LL JUST LAY THEM DOWN SO YOU ALL CAN SEE THEM AND HELP ME." He did exactly that.
"U-uh…well, the rules don't say anything against that, so…" Alphys leaned over and looked at his hand. "Here, you've got a Large Femur, and Underpants on the Outside. All that g-gives you +4, so put those on. There's nothing else you can do for now, so just kick down the door."
"ATTENTION ALL IN THE TAVERN! THE GREAT PAPYRUS WISHES TO DO BATTLE, AND CAPTURE A HUMAN SOUL SO I CAN JOIN THE ROYAL GUARD!"
"you're so cool, bro." Sans looked up from the choke hold Undyne was giving him to flash a thumbs-up.
"…Uh…you don't have to give them a speech. And also, that's…not really how it…?" She cleared her throat. "Nevermind. The ch-challenger!"
Flip.
"Annoying Dog-person, Level 6. Becomes Level 8 if the user has a bone-type weapon equipped."
"NOOOO! TO THINK, I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, CANNOT DEFEAT EVEN A DOG-PERSON!"
"Actually, it's fine; look, you have a Pot of Bishie Cream. It'll give you +3 for one battle."
"Oooh, are they promoting my brand?" Mettaton struck a pose, revealing his shapely legs.
"WOWIE, MAYBE THEY ARE! THANKS, METTATON! I'LL REMEMBER YOU ONCE I INEVITABLY GET PROMOTED TO CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD!" Having completely forgotten who helped him, Papyrus drew two "W00t L00ts" and placed them face-up on the carpet.
"Any time, darling." He cupped his chin in his hands. "Now, I do believe it's…my turn?" He laid down a Bejeweled Microphone (+3), Heartbreak Heart-Print Belt (+2), and Them Legs (+1; +1 run away initiative due to distraction and also legs). He also laid down a Glamburger for the sake of self-promotion.
"Now, I'd like to kick that door down with these gorgeous legs of mine!"
"Uhh, sure." Alphys laid down a card. "…Sexy Android in a Dress, Level 7."
"Oh, my! Is 'flirt' an option? How about 'buy a drink?'"
"…Uh, it's not the kind of tavern where you…meet people."
"yeah, more like where you meat people."
"I WILL TAKE THIS LARGE FEMUR AND END YOU, SANS."
"H-hey! No in-fighting among players!" Alphys waved her hands toward Papyrus.
"Why not? It'd be so AWESOME!" Undyne summoned a spear made of magic, and pointed it at Papyrus's face. "I'll challenge you for that soul you got earlier!"
Sans watched the chaotic display. On any other day, he'd be really getting into a game like this—and indeed, he had. But his lack of sleep was really starting to catch up with him (admittedly, the scuffle with Undyne hadn't helped), and if the game completely went off the rails?
He hated to admit it, but…it'd be over. They would all leave, and he could finally get a nap. He decided to sit and watch the world burn.
Mettaton seemed to notice, and acted accordingly.
"AAAAAND while that's all well and good, I can't defeat this beautiful, delicious robot as I am now, so I play Death by Glamour to gain +5 and win!" He discarded the card, taking a SOUL and two "W00t L00ts." "Now, my dear Sans, it would be your turn!"
Sans rubbed his eye socket. What could he do, in terms of ending the game early? He could try to win, sure; but that would likely take hours with this group.
The only other option he saw, then, was to piss off the most volatile member of the group:
Mettaton.
Yes, that was exactly it. If he could ruffle the robot's feathers (hopefully metaphorical ones; he wasn't sure he could handle his next form having wings), maybe he could force him to forget the insult in favor of frustration at the game.
He grinned, and tapped his "Thief" card.
"roll to steal Mettaton's bejeweled microphone."
Notes:
Is this the mandatory tournament episode? Have we already sunk that low?
The game is Munchkin, with a bad dose of SAO and slightly simplified rules. Whoop whoop.
Papyrus showing his hand is 100% based off my dad. He does this EVERY TIME. (Oddly enough, they both like spaghetti, like, a lot.)
I have to consult A Value Between 0 and 2 every time the name of Mettaton's show comes up in my fics. I wish I would have named it something shorter. (This is the real reason Sans calls it "The Glamorous and Whatever Mettaton vs. Yadda Yadda Yadda" or something later in the series; I was too lazy to look it up.)
I didn't expect this arc to have three chapters, but…Munchkin seems to take as long on paper as it does in real life. Expect only one more chapter of this, and then a couple of fluffy one-shots.