May 31st, 1975
"Bad luck, mate." A fifteen year old Sirius Black told his best friend, James Potter.
James Potter, a tall, skinny youth of fifteen looked at his best friend and sighed. Perhaps Sirius sensed how deeply James was actually hurting, because he walked over to his friend and clapped him on the shoulder and spoke quietly enough that only James could hear him. "She'll come around, Prongs."
James Potter sincerely doubted the validity of Sirius's statement, however. Lily Evans, a fellow Gryffindor fifth year, would not accept James's apologies no matter how hard he tried.
James did realize, however, that his first apology may not have been done in the correct manner:
"Oi! Evans! Wait up!" James had yelled after Lily.
Lily hadn't stopped, but rather quickened her pace. James had to run to catch up to her.
"I'm going to be late to my Charms OWL, Potter." Lily had said, trying unsuccessfully to avoid talking to her least favorite marauder.
"I know. I have to take it, too." James reminded her.
"Oh… right."
"Just let me walk with you to Charms, and then I'll leave you alone."
"You'll leave me alone?"
"Yes."
"Like actually leave me alone?"
"Yes."
"Really?"
"Yes, Evans. I've said yes like three times now."
"Alright, then talk."
"Snape was a git to you, earlier. He never should have called you that." James said.
"You never should have flipped him upside down and threatened to remove his knickers." Lily countered, not missing a beat.
"You're not actually saying that Snivillus has the moral high ground, are you? He hates anyone with unpure blood, Evans. He thinks they're beneath him. He called you a- a- a you-know-what!"
"He wouldn't have said it, if it wasn't for you." Lily glared at James. Her glare making it obvious that she believed she was right and he was wrong. James Potter HATED to be wrong.
"He might not have said it, but he still would have thought it, Evans." Lily flinched visibly and James wondered if he had gone too far.
Lily met James' eyes, and James sensed the truth. She knew that James's words were true; she knew what Severus believed. She knew that her best friend was gone and that he could never be her best friend again. James saw the recognition in Lily's eyes, but he also saw the hurt. He saw that her heart had broken, that something she had dreaded- though ultimately knew would happen- had occurred. She had lost her best friend because of his beliefs and it hadn't even surprised her.
James also saw rage in her eyes. A rage that even he normally didn't see. It was anger so profound that it was borderline illogical. There was no reasoning with Lily right now. James realized this, but he had to explain, to make her not hate him.
"You don't know that." Lily said angrily, her voice reaching a dangerous level.
"Yes, I do. He's practically a Death Eater!"
"He used one slur. That doesn't make him a Death Eater!"
"He used a slur which is directly offensive towards you! Can't you see that? Honestly, I sort of did you a favor. Snivillus doesn't deserve to even breathe the same air as you!"
Their voices were raised now, and an angry flush had spread across Lily's face. The two had stopped walking all together, and were facing each other, both staring angrily at the other.
"So this is your apology?" Lily asked, her voice icy. "You've ruined a childhood friendship because you're a bloody bully, and you can't even say that you're sorry?"
"I'm sorry if my actions led to Snape treating you like crap." James said, attempting to get his temper in check. He had come here to apologize, after all.
As soon as the words were out of his mouth, however, James realized his mistake. James was sorry that Lily was upset and that she was hurt, but he would not apologize for Snape. Snape, who's very existence bothered James to the core, was a Death Eater (or an aspiring Death Eater) and he would not apologize for his actions. Besides, Snape was always hanging around Lily, staring at her. James knew firsthand what it looked like to be in love with Lily Evans, and he had no delusions about Snape's affections towards Lily. Lily had often sided with Snape and not James and that had hurt James more than he cared to admit. No, he'd never apologize for his treatment to Snape.
"But, you're not sorry that you're a bully. You're not sorry for the hell you put him through? You're not sorry for singling him out, for tormenting him, for treating him like scum?"
Lily searched his face, looking for anything, anything at all to redeem Potter. Lily had always believed that she could never hate someone, but Potter had become too much. He sought out her friend- ex-friend, she reminded herself- simply to torment him, simply to make him feel worthless. She felt something stronger than anger build in the pit of her stomach: it was hate. Hate that Potter had harmed Snape. Hate that Potter couldn't care less about hurting someone. Hate towards Snape for finally showing his true colors. Hate towards herself, for not seeing it before. Hate and rage.
"He deserved it!" James yelled, losing his temper once more. This was not how he had planned this to go.
"No one deserves that, Potter." Lily said softly, suddenly not mad. Just sad and too tired to fight.
Lily turned around and began to walk away. James stared helplessly at her retreating form.
"Wait." He called.
"What?" Lily stopped but she did not turn around.
"Do you think- ehm- do you think we could ever be friends?" James asked cautiously.
The question hung in the air, creating an unbearable silence. In truth, this is what James had wanted to ask all along, but this chat hadn't been going the way he wanted.
"No." Lily said bluntly, cutting through the silence. "No I don't think so."
Lily walked away. James called after her, but this time Lily didn't look back.
Later that evening, Severus Snape sat in his common room, rejecting even the idea of sleep because he knew it would not come. So he sat for the last night of his fifth year, in a despairing haze of self-hatred. He had fucked up. He had fucked up, and he could never- would never make it right again.
"Does it make a difference, being muggle-born?" Lily had once asked her best friend, Severus Snape.
Even then, at ten years old, Lily had been perceptive. She had picked up on one of the wizarding world's greatest dilemmas, blood purity, before she had even truly been exposed to the magical society. Severus, of course, knew more about the Wizarding world then he knew about muggle society, and he knew of the tensions. At ten years old, however, he had not understood the politics behind it at the time. Severus had not understood what it had meant to be Slytherin, not truly, not yet.
He could not have guessed, at that time, that being placed in a separate houses would test the two best friends' friendship. He did not know, at ten years old, what it would be like to become friends with Mulciber, Avery, Wilkes, and Roiser. Severus and Lily had been separated, and Severus's life had gotten complicated. Lily hated Severus's friends, and Snape's friends hated Lily. They had often called her, and several of her friends, "filthy little mudbloods." Severus had always protested this, but his friends had shaken off his words, saying that Severus's desires were clouding his better judgment.
Ironically, those were the exact words Severus used towards Lily. "Filthy little mudblood." Severus winced as the words echoed through his head. The words had just slipped out. Potter had attacked him, embarrassed him in front of Lily. Lily had pitied him. Severus decidedly did not want Lily's pity. He wanted so much more from her. He wanted Lily to see him for he truly was, powerful and brave. But when Potter and his friends were around, Severus did not stand a chance. Not against four wizards.
Severus closed his eyes, thinking only of Lily. Thinking about how unbelievably, stupidly close he had been with Lily. How things had been changing between them; how he thought that Lily might actually return his feelings. But that would never happen now.
"You've chosen your side, I've chosen mine." Lily had told him, effectively ending their friendship.
Their wonderful friendship, a friendship that been so wonderfully blissful and so irrevocably heart breaking. Severus had always wanted Lily Evans. From the moment Severus Snape saw Lily Evans, he knew. In truth, Severus hadn't known she was a witch when he first saw her. He had seen her dark red hair and beautiful green eyes and had been bewitched. The moment he saw her, his world stopped and slowly began to revolve around her. It wasn't until after he watched her for awhile that he discovered she was a witch. Which only made Severus love her even more.
He had thought, if only for a few days, that he had actually had a chance with her.
Just a few days before, Severus and Lily had taken a long walk around the lake. They had gotten into an argument over Potter, but Lily eventually called James Potter and "arrogant toerag" and Severus had never been so satisfied. The argument hadn't lasted long, and the rest of their walk had been pleasant. Lily had asked about his parents, which Severus had shrugged off, replying simply with, "When aren't they fighting, Lily?" They had discussed their upcoming O.W.L.S. and Lily had complained about how hard it was to study in the common room with all of the ruckus (or James Potter and his annoying friends) around.
"We can study together." Snape promised her. "I don't cause ruckus."
"Yes you do!" Lily laughed. She truly had a beautiful laugh.
"No I don't! When have I ever caused a ruckus?"
"How about when you turned Tuney's hairbrush into a toad! That truly caused a ruckus."
"Yeah, well, I don't remember you complaining." Severus laughed as well.
"Until that horrid howler arrived." Lily said, biting back another spout of laughter.
"Petunia's face when she saw the owl, though. That was priceless."
"She was scared." Lily said, frowning.
"She called you a freak, two minutes earlier, Lil. And the owl didn't hurt her."
"Well that's not strictly true," Lily murmured. "He did bite her finger!
Severus laughed. "He was only looking for treats."
Lily laughed, shaking her head. "Admit it, you enjoyed causing a ruckus."
"Only for you." Severus said quietly, meeting her eyes with an intense gaze.
Lily blushed, as Severus's eyes pierced hers. She looked away from Severus, unsure of how to respond. Severus wasn't sure if Lily had understood the implications of what he'd said. Regardless, Severus's heart was pounding and his head was filled with hopeful images of him and Lily together. Lily looked up after a moment, he rchecks (beautifully, wonderfully) were still red from blushing, but only faintly so. She looped her arm through Severus's and they continued their stroll.
Much later, Severus had walked Lily back to her dorm, taking her right to the portrait hole. Her arm was still looped through his, a fact that kept Severus's body in a state of tingly, anxious bliss. Severus looked at Lily and contemplated telling her how he felt. It was, in theory, relatively simple. All he had to was say four words. He could tell her exactly how he felt, he could tell her everything-
"Sev?" Lily asked gently, pulling Severus from his thoughts.
"Yes?" Severus asked.
"I just wanted to know if I'd see you tomorrow." She looked directly in his eyes. It was then that Severus realized just how very close Lily was to him. He could see Lily's freckles, splotched along the bridge of her nose and he could smell her perfume, lavender and lilies. Severus's heart was pounding in his chest.
"Y-yes." he managed to choke out. "If you'd like."
"I would." Lily said quietly, shyly.
Severus realized this was his moment, he should tell her or kiss her or both.
"Lil-" Severus began just as Lily said, "Sev-." They both stopped and laughed nervously.
"You go ahead, Sev."
"I just- I wanted to tell you something." Severus began nervously, awkwardly.
"You can tell me anything." Lily reminded her best friend.
Severus took a deep breath. This could either be the best day of his life or the worst.
"I-" But Severus was never able to get the rest of his sentence out, as James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew all chose that exact moment to exit their dormitory.
"Evans!" Potter called to Lily, looking at the (slightly) compromising position of Severus and Lily.
"James, mate. Let's go." Lupin urged.
"Ah Snivellus. Excellent." Black turned to look at Severus Snape with a nasty smile.
"Let it go, Padfoot." Lupin repeated to his other friend. "We have plans, remember." Lupin looked at Lily, grimacing and apologetic.
Potter looked at Lily and Severus again, looking bitter.
"Padfoot, he's right." Pettigrew said quietly, grabbing Black's arm and physically pulling him away from the scene. Remus did the same with Potter and the four friends vanished around the corner.
Severus shook his head, pulling himself back into the present. That had been his chance. Potter had ruined his chance, just as he had ruined his friendship with Lily.
James fucking Potter. Severus had never hated someone as much as he hated Potter. Sirius Black was a close second, but true unadulterated hate was saved only for James Potter. The way he looked at Lily, Severus knew that Potter fancied her. And the way Lily responded. Lily had always claimed to hate Potter, but no matter what Severus did, Lily had never gotten that mad at him, he had never shaken her the way Potter did. When Potter and Lily fought- something that had become regular occurrence in their third year- they challenged each other. They fought for dominance and control. They took cheap shots and insulted the very essence of the other's core. They both became heated; they swore and openly attempted to offend the other. Both of their faces would turn red, and they would really, truly fight. Yet, after the fight, Lily's face would be flushed. She'd walk with her back straighter and her head held high. If she had stayed up late for an assignment the previous night, she'd be re-energized. Severus thought that he should be happy that they fought, but he hadn't felt happy. He felt empty. Because no matter what, Lily would never fight back that hard when it came to Severus. Severus often found himself wondering if it was, perhaps, because there was just more passion between Lily and Potter or if Lily's dislike came from misunderstood and misplaced attraction.
Severus sighed. Perhaps he ought to steel himself for the day where Lily Evans would walk down a lonely corridor with James Potter. And nothing, not even the end of Lily and Severus's friendship, hurt worse than thought.
Lily sat in her bed, staring at the curtains in front of her. It was the middle of the night. Lily knew she should be asleep. All of her housemates were. Tonight was the last time she'd sleep in this bed for a few months. Instead of being in a blissful state of sleep, she had tossed and turned for hours, before giving up and letting her thoughts take control of her.
Lily Evans hated the end of the school year. She hated leaving Hogwarts, leaving the magical world behind and immersing herself back into a muggle existence. She hated waking up in a house to a sister who was determined to hate her, parents who idolized her magic, and a house only blocks from Severus Snape. She hated the mediocrity of muggle life. She had been exposed to magic, adventure, a castle that never failed to be surprising, and best friends who had become so integrated in her life that she truly believed them to be her family.
It wasn't that she didn't love her mother and her father or even her sister. She loved them dearly, even Petunia who was determined to hate the very core of her being. But she simply didn't fit, anymore. She wasn't what they had expected her to be, and though they were proud of her, she'd never have the normal childhood that they had expected for her. Her parents loved the idea of magic, but they'd never truly understood the magical world. How could she tell her parents that she had become a part of a society that fundamentally, systematically, and consistently discriminated and hated her kind. That a man, whose name many people feared to even speak, was gaining power and support and threatened her life simply because of her bloodline. She couldn't tell them; how does one even begin to explain systematic discrimination? How does one explain illogical, unreasonable hatred? She didn't understand it, so how could she explain it?
Instead, she lied to her parents every day of her life. She lied by omission, so not strictly a lie in the most technical sense. But Lily knew it was deception, and she hated herself for it. She hated that she, eventually, would have to choice between her muggle life and her magic life. She hated how she knew which life would win, which life had already consumed her. She hated that the life she was choosing would most likely be the death of her. That she would have to fight for her right for a life in that world, and she would most likely die a violent death because of it.
She hated the unfairness of it all. But most of all, Lily was just angry. Angry at the world, angry at the blood supremacists, angry that she had been born into this mess, and angry that she felt powerless to change it. Just angry.
She was at angry at James Potter, too. For ending her and Severus' friendship, for being a bully, even for existing. Most all, though, Lily was angry that James was right. Severus was a death eater- or, more likely, he was soon to be a death eater. He would leave Hogwarts and, with his other friends, join Voldemort's ranks. He would fight on the opposite side as Lily, and ultimately they would have to face each other. Perhaps, in the future, they may have to duel, to come face to face in a deadly battle. Lily knew she would never have the heart to harm Severus. She knew that, when the time came, she'd never be able to take her childhood friend's life. But would he be able to take hers? Lily was scared she already knew the answer.
Mudblood. The word haunted her. Mudblood. That's all she was. Mudblood, mudblood, mudblood. Maybe if she said the word enough, it would lose its power. Mudblood. Severus Snape had been a lost cause. When she thought about Severus, she wasn't angry, not at him. Mudblood. Lily realized she was just sad. Sad that she hadn't been able to fix him. Sad that she had lost her friend. Sad that she hadn't been enough. That the pull of power, dark magic, and hatred had been stronger than Lily, had been more important. Mudblood.
Lily blinked fast, trying not cry, but not succeeding.
Mudblood. That's what she had been reduced to; she had been diminished and belittled.
Mudblood.
Lily closed her eyes, and for the first time, let herself cry.
"Lily?" A soft voice came from the darkness.
Lily stopped, her heart beating fast in her chest. She had thought everyone else was asleep.
"Yeah?" Lily sniffled.
Mary pulled the curtains back from Lily's bed and climbed into her bed.
Mary McDonald was a pretty, quick witted brunette. She had soft features, with wavy hair and baby blue eyes. Mary was short for her age, barely standing above five feet. Mary was sweet, affectionate, and kind. She had an uncanny ability to read people and knew the best way to support them, and Mary sensed that, at the moment, Lily just needed someone to understand.
"You were thinking about Snape, weren't you?" Mary asked quietly.
"Yes." Lily said simply, unable to explain the anguish she felt.
Mary looked at her friend, her eyes searching Lily's face.
"I'm sorry." Mary did not say the words she desperately wanted to say: that Severus Snape didn't deserve someone as beautiful, smart, and talented as Lily to even look at him, that he wasn't worth the pain. That the slimy git didn't deserve to be mourned. But Mary knew that wouldn't help her friend.
"I wasn't enough, Mary. I just wasn't enough." And then Lily began to cry.
Mary wrapped her arms around her best friend, and let her cry. Mary hated Severus Snape.
Eventually, Lily ran out of tears, but Mary kept her arm around her friend. They sat in silence, taking comfort in each other's presence. The two girls fell asleep after awhile, and Lily spent her last night of her fifth year knowing that she was not alone, and that she would never be alone.
Severus Snape, lying awake on a couch in the Slytherin common room at the very same moment, had never felt more alone.
Peter Pettigrew sat up in his bed, thinking about his father's words. "This isn't your war, boy." The word's burned his mind, making Peter question everything that had decided about his life.
James Potter was convinced this was their war. That it was their responsibility to fight. That to not fight was an insult to the very nature of being Gryffindor. Peter supposed it would be easier if he was more like James. If he could simply know in his heart that he was brave. That he could be full of conviction and passion. That if he could act without thinking and know what was right. But Peter would never be James Potter.
He also would neber be Sirius Black, who believed that this war was a personal affront on him, either. That his family- and those like his family- were responsible. That he could wash away his genetics and become someone else by fighting against his family. He spoke of the war with anger, with hatred. He hated the pureblood mania. He hated those who thought someone else was less than them simply because of who their parents was. He hated blood and linage. He hated that it reminded him of his family, of his awful childhood. Sirius Black would and was determined to die for the cause. He was determined to prove himself- to die for something. To die defying his parents and the life they had planned for him. But Peter Pettigrew did not want to die; he did not embrace it like Sirius did. He did not feel the need to prove himself by dying.
"This isn't your war, boy."
But it was Remus's. Peter knew this instinctively. Remus, James, and Sirius knew it too. Remus, was the only half-blood marauder. He was also a werewolf. Voldemort's regime would never accept Remus as an equal. He would always be seen as somehow less. Remus was also determined to fight, but this made more sense to Peter than James and Sirius. This war directly affected Remus. Remus would fight, and he would fight to change the world. Remus believed that he actually could, however. That made Peter very sad. Peter was quite certain, no matter who won the war, that the deep-seeded prejudices would never end.
"This isn't you war, boy."
But wasn't it? Weren't James, Sirius, and Remus his friends, his family? Wasn't it destiny to fight with them? But, a small voice in the back of his head reminded him, was it his destiny to die for them?
Peter sighed, and closed his eyes.
It was amazing how Peter could feel so alone, surrounded by the snores and breathing of his best friends.
James Potter also lay awake, only two beds away from his sleepless best friend. James had tried to sleep, but had quickly given up. He could still hear Lily's words. "No one deserves that."
James had always told himself that they singled out Snape because he wanted to be a death eater, because he was a Slytherin and that those two qualities made it okay. But James knew that wasn't always true. James and Sirius had dubbed Snape "Snivilius" on the train ride of their first year. Snape hadn't been sorted into a house yet (although he had hinted that Slytherin was the best house). The Death Eater movement hadn't begun and Lord Voldemort didn't have much of a following.
That day James and Sirius had sealed Snape's fate. Snape was awkward and gawky, while James and Sirius were charming and boisterous. They had become immensely popular quickly, and Snape did not. Within days, most of Hogwarts had known their names, even the upperclassmen. The whole of Hogwarts had also known who Snape was, as well, but they knew him but his not-so-charming nickname.
Remus had often told James that he was being unfair, yet James had ignored him, giving him the same old excuse: "It's just old Snivillus. We aren't hurting anyone."
But weren't they? From what Lily said, they were hurting someone, they just hadn't cared. Severus Snape bothered James from the moment they met. Although he couldn't place it at the time, James reckoned that it all came down to Lily. The moment he laid eyes on Lily, James felt something snap. He felt something in his chest expand, and he could tell that she was someone special. He knew this was the girl he was going to spend the rest of his life with.
As cliché as it sounds, James had fallen in love on the spot. Or, whatever form of love an eleven year old boy can fall into. He saw her emerald eyes, curly red hair, and shy smile and he knew. And she had smiled at him, if only for the briefest of seconds before Sirius and he had ruined the moment. She had smiled brightly at him, matching his enthusiasm. Somehow James knew that she had felt it too. That deep level connection that only soul mates feel.
And then the whole situation had spiraled- as it often did when James was around Lily- and James lost control. Lily ended up glaring at him, defending her best friend. And that's the moment that James began to hate Severus Snape. He felt a roar of jealousy that he couldn't explain or comprehend, and from that moment he knew that Severus Snape would be the enemy.
James rolled over, realizing, perhaps for the first time, what he had always known: he hated Snape because they were both in love with Lily. Perhaps Snape hated him with equal measure because he felt the exact same way.
James had finally accomplished "breaking up" Lily and Snape's friendship. He'd imagined he would have felt satisfied, but he didn't. Instead, he saw for the first time, with shocking clarity exactly how Lily viewed him: as a complete arse. James doubted Lily would ever forgive him.
James Potter didn't feel alone that night, but he did feel as if he were missing the most important part of his life. He rolled over once more, and prepared himself for what promised to a sleepless night.
AN: Please review and let me know what you think!