I, I know why
Because when I look in her eyes
I just see the sky

-She had the world; Panic! At the Disco

~X~

Natasha closed her eyes, hoping the sight before her was just a vision, a trick her mind was playing on her.

"No, no, no..." She kept repeating, blinking fast as she reached for the fourth pregnancy test she'd bought. There was no doubt, she was pregnant.

Even before she saw the two sticks, she knew that she was pregnant. There was only one explanation for her mood swings, nausea and swollen breasts. Along with those signs, there were many others that she only experienced once in her life, back in 1945.

She stood quickly, but regretted that decision, she was back on her knees clutching her stomach with one arm and using the other hand to keep her hair from her face, she vomited all she'd eaten for lunch, the sour taste of the bile filling her mouth and burning her throat. Natasha sat and rested her back against the walls of the tub after flushing the toilet.

How was she going to tell Steve? How had that happened? And, most important of all, what was she going to do about it?

People were going to notice soon, but what bothered her wasn't the awareness, was the pain she would have to go through when she had the miscarriage. Yes, when she had the miscarriage, she was sure it was going to happen. No matter how many times people told her that it was because of the stress, the cold all of it together, caused her to lose the baby, but she knew it wasn't that, she knew that her body was designed to kill, to end any and all signs of life, including a baby, the purest of them all.

Perhaps, she just wasn't worthy of something like that, she had never been. And, perhaps, it was because she thought so lowly of herself that she couldn't carry a child. Then she stood again, very carefully that time and laid on the bed, she wasn't going out that evening with Steve. Natasha reached for the phone and dialed his number.

"Hey, Nat."

"Steve, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to be able to go out with you tonight."

"Why not?" He asked.

"I... I have some work to do. Some files to type."

"I can help and maybe we can watch a movie later."

Natasha sighed, "I'm sorry, but no."

"What? Why?"

"I have some stuff to do, I told you." She felt a knot on her throat start to form.

"Okay." He muttered.

"I have to go."

What was she going to do? Steve and her had no structure whatsoever to raise a child, she wasn't even sure that they were serious about the relationship. She searched online fore everything, how much money they would spend, how much time would go to wasted. Then she closed the computer and closed her eyes. Tired as she was, it took her no time to fall asleep.

"You lied to me!" His voice cut through the darkness.

"No, Steve, I swear I didn't!"

"Why should I believe you? You are the master of deception, the one who manipulates everyone."

"But... But you said you trusted me."

"Yes, but then you lied to me." Saliva droplets escaped his lips showing just how angry he was. "What else?"

"No, no! I swear, it was the truth." Tears gathered in the corners of her eyes.

"You haven't even said that you love me, not even once."

"But I do, I love you, Steve!" She begged, "Please, please believe me."

"Nat! Nat!"

She woke up, her forehead and her entire body wet, Steve held her"

"Is everything okay? You were screaming."

"What are you doing here?" She got away from him abruptly.

"I came to check on you, Nat.

"I thought I told you not to come. I have work to do."

"Okay, I'm leaving. But do you mind if I stop by later?"

"Yeah, I do. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Uh... Okay." He stood and walked to the door, "Call me if you need anything."

"Whatever."

Why was she giving him the cold shoulder? Natasha ran a hand through her hair in despair. She remembered the dream. Was it true? Steve was always saying and repeating that he loved her, but had she not said it once? Was she that scared of those words? Why? Why was she so scared?

Maybe it was just because of the hormones, or maybe she did feel that way. She sighed and went to the bathroom to have a bath, it would help clear her head. And it was in the shower, in the middle of her silent tears that mixed with the water that she made the final decision, she wasn't going to keep the baby, she would have an abortion, because anything was better than a miscarriage.

If she was to speak the truth, she would say that, out of all that she had been through, all the pain, suffering and demise, the one thing that haunted her the most were the nightmares of that cold wintry night, the night the Germans attacked, the night Rose and Alexei died. It was the night in which she completely buried her feelings towards everyone so she wouldn't be hurt again in any way.

Now, having made that decision, she needed to tell Steve, she wanted his support and approval to do that. After all, the child wasn't only hers, but Steve's as well.

She called him.

"Hey, Natasha." His voice was slightly colder than before.

"Steve, come over, I need to talk to you."

"Did something happen?"

"No. We need to talk."

"Okay, I'm on my way."

Natasha sat on the living room, trying to calm herself, practice the words, think of something to say, ways of persuading him. But there wasn't anything, nothing came to her mind, she would just have to be spontaneous.

Three knocks on the door, she stood and greeted Steve with a small kiss on the lips;

"Do you want something to drink?"

"Nope."

"Please, have a sit."

He sat on an armchair in front of her.

She took a deep breath.

"Steve, I'm pregnant."

His eyes widened in surprise.

"And I decided not to keep the baby."