MAYA

I wish life was like Alice in Wonderland. Everything would be so damn easy.

You fall into a hole filled with wonder and the unknown, where the situation could turn out great, or horribly wrong. There are a couple of memorable, happy moments at first; sometimes you even think that things are going to last, and you can stay in Wonderland forever. But, just as you'd expected from the very beginning, relationships that you've built during your time in the magical place begin to crumble, leaving you depressed, confused, and angry. And just when you think that life cannot possibly get worse and you wish with all of your heart that you'd never let yourself fall down the hole in the first place, all of a sudden the world begins to spin and BOOM! you're right back where you started.

But I am not Alice, and my spinning funnel of doom of a relationship is not Wonderland, and, therefore, I can't just eat a piece of oversized cake and end up back in Rosewood.

But am I really willing to give up everything with Emily?

Ah, the million dollar question. I'm attempting to scrub smeared eyeliner off of my face when my phone buzzes, falling off the sink and crashing onto the tile floor.

This is really not my day, is it?

I momentarily redirect my attention from my hot mess of a face to the cellular device on the floor, which, thankfully, is not broken. That seriously would have been the cherry on top of a fantastic morning. I squint through crusted mascara at the tiny screen, and I'm surprised to realize that I'm getting a phone call from Hanna.

I'm pretty sure the last time I spoke to Hanna was at Homecoming. Awkward.

Unfortunately I didn't make the connection between Hanna and Emily until it was too late and I could already hear the blonde girl's voice panting through the phone.

"Maya?" She sounds seriously out of breath.

"Oh," I try to conceal the anxiousness in my voice, "Hey, Hanna. What's up?"

"Listen," pant, "I wasn't," pant, "gonna say," pant, "anything," pant, pant, "but Emily talked," pant, pant, pant, pant.

"Hey, Hanna?" I cut her off.

"Yeah?"

"Are you running?"

I hear the intense panting get quicker, slow down, and then stop completely.

"Yeah," she answers, her voice coming out clearer now, "Well, I was running. With Sean. But I decided that this is way more important."

I take a deep breath; I know where this conversation is going.

"And what exactly is this?" I ask, while already knowing the answer.

"Well..." her voice trails off for a second, but she takes an audible breath in and restarts her sentence, "Look, Maya. I don't know if Emily told you, but...I know about you guys."

Excuse me, what?

I'm actually speechless. Partly out of excitement that Emily had had the guts to tell someone about us, and also out of slight anger for her not telling me that Hanna knew about us. Maybe then I would have had someone to talk to.

Right. Like Miss Queen Bee would have wanted to share lesbo tips with the quirky new girl.

"Maya?" The voice gets louder, "Maya? Are you there?"

I nod, even though she can't see me.

"Yeah." I squeak out.

"I'm sorry if you didn't know." She continues, "But what I'm about to say won't make any sense if I didn't tell you that much."

Well, obviously. This conversation is clearly about Emily.

"Okay." I say, with more edge than I'd originally intended, "So what's the object of this conversation?"

"I know you probably don't want to hear this from me, but you really, really need to talk to her."

I start to reply, but Hanna continues.

"You don't even need to talk about your relationship...well, yes you kind of do need to talk about your relationship. But only because I'm worried about her. Like, seriously worried, Maya. She was an absolute mess when I saw her, and I don't want her to do anything..." Her voice gets quiet.

"Anything like what?" I ask, now curious.

"She just...she used to...I don't think..." She takes a deep breath, "Em used to get into bad habits when she was upset. Now, I'm not saying that she's like that anymore, but I still think you should go over there anyway. Don't pretend like you don't care about her. We both know that isn't true."

She's right. It really isn't true.

I hang up the phone before replying to Hanna because I'm too focused on getting the hell over next door to see if Emily's okay.

Hannah had better not have been messing with me about checking on Emily just to get me over to this house.

But by the time I can think to turn back to my house in order to stop myself from looking like a fool, I'm already turning the knob on the front door of the Fields' house. Emily usually leaves the door unlocked for me, but I doubt this time it was on purpose. Knowing that it's barely eight o'clock and her mother is probably still sleeping, I creep up the stairs into my girlf...Emily's bedroom.

I suck in a huge breath before swinging the white door open, but quickly let it out when I see that the bedroom is empty.

Dammit. Where the hell could she have gone?

I notice that her cell phone is still sitting on her desk, assuring me that the girl hasn't gone very far, considering she never parts with the thing. My breathing quickens again as I walk down the hallway toward the bathroom. When I notice that the door is closed, I make sure to knock softly, just in case its Mrs. Fields.

Now that is a sight I would not like to see.

I jump slightly when I hear a noise coming from the next room, but I laugh quietly to myself when I realize that it's just Em's mom snoring. I can't help but giggle at the memories of spending the night here and constantly checking that we could still hear the snoring to make sure that we wouldn't get busted. And hey, it worked.

Well, until this morning, that is.

I knock softly once more on the door, and whisper,

"Emily? Em? Are you in there?"

When there's no reply, my heartbeat begins to race. I can't put my finger on it, but I just know that there is something not right about this situation. I hesitantly turn the doorknob, scared of what I might see.

I swing the door open, and I suddenly feel sick; like my entire body is just going to crash in on itself. I can't breathe, and I'm frozen for a moment. There's Emily, my beautiful Emily, sprawled out on the floor, her limbs fallen around her. Her pajama shorts and form-fitting tank top are stained red on account of the fact that the girl is laying in a pool of her own blood, cascading from her wrists.

I think I'm going to throw up.

This isn't happening. How could I have made her feel this badly?

And as though the weight of the situation had finally set in on me, a sudden shock jolts through my entire body, and I let out the shrillest, loudest scream that I can possibly muster. Almost instantly, I hear the quick pounding of feet coming from Mrs. Fields' bedroom, and all of a sudden the woman emerges from her lair. Her dark eyes are burning a hole through my head, but they soften a bit when she sees hysterical tears running down my face. She quickly makes her way toward me.

"Maya, what are you..." she stops short in front of the doorway to the bathroom, all of the color draining from her face, "Oh my god."

After that, everything seems to happen in a daze. I stagger backwards, shrinking against the cold, tile wall to steady myself in the seemingly spinning bathroom. I think I can hear Emily's mom screaming something to me, but it sounds more like a distant whisper. I can't bear to redirect my tranced gaze from the wall opposite me to look at Emily. I think there are tears streaming down my face, but I'm not entirely sure. I don't have control over anything. Even the shooting pain through my body after being shoved into the wall by a rushing physician doesn't bring me back into reality. And before I know it, I'm sitting all alone on the floor of a freezing cold bathroom, the love of my life's blood soaking through the thin soles of my Keds.

I allow myself to fully break down so that my T-shirt is soaked in my own tears, and my shoulders are shaking so hard I think they might break. My breathing is sparse and ragged, and I bang my head against the wall out of anger and frustration.

A cold hand grabs onto mine, and I jump, not noticing that anyone had entered the house. I look up to see Hanna, her usually flawless face twisted into a horrified expression. I want to say something to her, but I just can't stop crying, so she sits down next to me, pulling me into a tight hug as I sob uncontrollably into her shoulder.

"I'm so sorry," I cry, "I didn't know...I didn't know she would do this."

Hanna bites her lip.

"I didn't know she did this stuff anymore."

"Anymore?" I pull away from the blonde, attempting to steady my breathing.

She nods.

"Em used to have problems with...cutting. But she stopped a long time ago. It was never this bad."

I can't help it. The tears come again.

"So," I sob, "I did this to her. I made her want to...to die?" The words taste like brass on my tongue.

"No. No." Hanna pulls me close to her again, "You did not do this, do you understand me?"

I nod, although I don't believe a word of what she says.

The girl starts to stand up, and she holds out her hand for me.

"Where are we going?" I shakily grab her hand, and she pulls me up. My legs feel like jello, like they can't support my weight.

"To the hospital, obviously," she starts down the stairs, "Spencer and Aria are probably there already."

"Did Em's mom call you?" I ask, running after Hanna as she speeds out the front door.

"Well, no. I saw the ambulance," her voice cracks, and I see a tear running down her cheek as we get into her car, "She told me you were inside and that I should go take care of you. So I called Spencer and Aria to make sure they went down there with..."

"Wait," I cut her off, "She said to take care of me? She hates me."

"No she doesn't, Maya," my heart is in my throat and I feel the tears seeping through my eyes, "She doesn't want her daughter to be a lesbian. She doesn't hate you. She just wants to blame you," Hanna sighs, "She'll get over it."

Yeah, if Emily ever decides to stop lying to everyone.

Hanna's head snaps toward me, and I realize with horror that I've just said that out loud.

"I did not mean to say that." I whisper.

The blonde takes a deep breath as if trying to restrain from slapping me in the face, and I don't blame her. So I start a new sentence.

"I'll never forgive myself if she...if she..."

"Don't say it." Hanna almost yells at me, "Look, Maya. I've already lost one friend this year, and I don't plan on losing another. You don't know what it's like."

"Are you kidding me?" I turn to her, tears streaming down both of our faces, "She is my entire world, Hanna. If she dies, I die. Do you get that? Emily means everything to me. I love her. So yes, I think I do know what the hell it's like."

Hanna looks stunned - hey, I'm pretty stunned myself - and we walk in silence into the hospital waiting room, where Aria and Spencer meet Hanna and myself with mumbles 'hellos'.

"Where's Mrs. Fields?" I ask Aria, whose makeup is smeared all over her porcelain cheeks.

Both her and Spencer nod in the direction of the woman, who is talking to a doctor in the corner of the room. We all hold our breath as we watch the interaction. All of a sudden, Emily's mother bursts into tears, nearly collapsing on top of the man in the white coat, who gently pats her back. The four of us freeze for a moment, and after exchanging horrified glances, we all collapse into a circle of chairs, our heads cradled in our hands.

I'm too stunned to cry. I feel myself dying already from the inside out.

When I hear Mrs. Fields standing over us, I hesitantly raise my head, as do the other girls, whose eyes are now puffy and red. We all hold our breath as the tan woman opens her mouth to speak, and I close my eyes, wincing prematurely at the impending bad news.

"She lost a lot of blood," she begins, and the four of us lose our nerve, all breaking down into tears, "But the doctor says she's going to make it."

I look into Mrs. Fields' eyes just to make sure I heard her correctly, and I see her walking toward me. At first I shrink backwards, afraid that she might hit me or something for turning her daughter into a lesbian, but she gently stands me up, and embraces me with a tight hug. At first, I'm totally confused, but I gently hug back.

"Thank you," she squeezes me lightly, and I can tell that she's crying, "The doctor said that you found her just in time. You saved my daughter."

I let a few tears of joy pour down my cheeks before pulling away. The woman straightens herself before leaning in again and lowering her voice this time.

"This does not, however, give you permission to continue on with what happened this morning. Under no circumstances." She nods before walking toward what I assume is Emily's room.

The other three girls take turns giving me hugs, but I can only keep a superficial smile on my face. Of course all I could have asked for is for Em to be okay, but I still can't have her, and it makes my heart break in half.

Hanna grabs hold of my hand for a second and nods in approval right before we walk into the room where Emily is laying. She looks beautiful, radiant even, for the state she's in. She's still unconscious, and she has two thick bandages wrapped around both wrists. A monitor is beeping loudly along with the girl's even breathing, and she seems...peaceful.

We all sit in the room for hours, occasionally talking about some nonsense topic, but mostly sitting in silence. I don't know how it will be when she wakes up. I don't know how I'll restrain myself from kissing her lips, from caressing her damaged wrists, from stroking her silky, dark hair. But I'll have to. Because I'm still just the dirty little secret.

Emily cannot love you in the way that you love her. That's the way it is. She just can't give you what you want.

Mrs. Fields had left the room a few times to bring us lunch, and then eventually dinner. At around 7:15 p.m. she went home to get some of Emily's things since she'd be spending a few days in the hospital. Barely five minutes after she's left the room, Emily's body begins to stir. My heart skips a beat, it just seems so unnatural for her to be moving. The four of us inch closer to the bed to get a better look, and sure enough, Emily's beautiful eyes are fluttering open. She seems startled originally, and I don't blame her, what with the four of us crowded around her hospital bed.

The girl looks around for a moment, as if wondering if she achieved what she'd set out to do, or if she's still alive. When she realizes that she's still here, she throws her head down onto the pillow in defeat, silent tears streaming down her cheeks.

"I'm still here, aren't I?" She whispers, and my heart breaks.

Aria takes her hand gently, and Hanna takes the other.

"Yes, sweetie." Hanna says, "You're still here. And it's a good thing."

"A great thing." Spencer adds.

"We don't know why you would ever do this." Aria says, tears brimming her huge eyes.

Emily doesn't say anything, she only looks directly into my eyes, and I feel like someone has just punched me in the stomach.

So it was my fault.

The other three girls look in my direction expectantly, but I can't get any words out. All I can do is look directly into Emily's eyes. Her gaze isn't angry, just unbearably hurt, and I can't take it.

"What's going on..." Spencer asks, but no one answers.

"Why are you here?" Emily's still staring at me, her voice barely audible.

Because I'm in love with you.

"You know why." I whisper, but she doesn't say anything as a few tears roll down her cheeks, "Maybe I should just leave, though."

I turn on my heel to go.

"Maya!" Emily's voice is soft, but I can tell it's taking a lot of effort for her, "Don't leave."

"Yeah," Aria says, sounding slightly irritated, "Why would you leave?"

"Em," I try to sound as calm as possible, "If this is my fault..." I trail off, realizing maybe I've said too much, but Emily doesn't seem phased.

"You're fault?" Spencer's voice rises.

"Maya..." Hanna warns.

"Will somebody please tell me what the hell is going on?" Aria yells.

I shake my head, fighting tears.

"Em, why should I stay?" I ask quietly before turning, and walking toward the doorway.

"Because!" She screams, and I hear the other girls jump at the sudden volume.

I turn around and meet her chocolate brown eyes. She's attempting a smile, which is a contrast to the death glares coming at me from Spencer and Aria.

"Because I love you."

She says it so quietly that I'm not sure if I'm the only one who's heard it. I would check to see the expressions on the other girls' faces, but I'm too caught up in Emily. I try to find my voice.

"You...you do?"

She nods, tears running down her face.

"Yeah," she smiles widely, "I really do."

Hot tears are pouring down my face too as I make my way closer to the hospital bed, my bottom lip trembling. The girls back up slowly as I kneel next to Emily's bed, pulling her face close to mine without any contact just in case she's not ready for that yet. But to my happy surprise, she grabs onto the back of my head, pushing her lips into mine as our burning tears mix with one another. Our lips are moving wildly and in perfect sync, both of us letting out little sniffles throughout. I pull away, but still close enough for our foreheads to be touching, and I look into her big, brown eyes. She bites her lip, her vision still locked on mine. I gently grab hold of her hand, caressing her delicate fingers.

"I love you, too."

Maybe Wonderland isn't so bad, after all.

All of your reviews were awesome last chapter! Keep 'em coming, because that's what gives me the inspiration to write. It took me a few days to get this one going, since it's a lot longer than what I usually write for a chapter. I figured you guys deserved a long chapter, after all of your sweet reviews :)

FYI - all of the chapters are song names, so you should check them out if you don't know them already. Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter!

xo

em