Falling for someone is like getting on a rollercoaster that's hurtling full speed toward a brick wall. You see the brick wall in front of you. You know it's going to hurt when you crash into it. But somehow, stupidly, you hit the 'Go' button anyway. And you launch forward at full speed. The wall rushes toward you. You can't stop.
JOIN US
~in celebrating~
Willis
and
Taima's
50th Anniversary!
A hand-lettered sign indicated the correct ballroom at the Grand River Hotel in downtown. A giant board covered in photos of Willis and Taima, ranging from their high school senior prom to last year's company Halloween costume contest (they came in banana suits), sat next to the sign-in table.
"Hi there! Can I get a name?" smiled the teenage girl working the sign-in table.
"Roxanne Winters!" chirped the chipper Roxie, looking resplendent in her icy blue dress. "And this is my fiancé, Rocky! Roxie and Rocky - that's us!"
"Table six," said the teenager, handing out the programs.
"Eddie. Eddie Doyle," said Eddie, affecting a silky voice. "And this here's my 'plus-one', Phoebe."
"Table six."
"Aww man, we're next to the speakers. I'm really sensitive to bass," Eddie groaned.
"Logan, party of nine," said Logan, leaning on the table. The top third of his silk shirt was unbuttoned.
The teenager turned red. "Er...And what're their names?"
Logan turned to the gaggle of women behind him and pointed at each one in turn. "Siobhan, Sh'vonne, Shavon, Chevon, Chiffon, Chyvaughn, Sheighvawn, and Barbara."
The teenager gaped, stunned. "...Table seven."
"Robert Lin and Mindy Lin," said Robert, an old woman's arm hooked around his.
"Robert Lin..." said the teenager, as she scoured the guest list.
"His name is Dr. Robert Lin, and you shall address him as such!" Mindy snarled.
"Mother, behave yourself!" hissed Robert.
"Uh, table seven," said the teenager.
"Eva Rosalene," said Eva, smoothing out her midnight blue dress.
"Any guests with you?" asked the teenager.
"Nope, just me."
"Table seven."
Poor Willis had volunteered to arrange and decorate the party, so that Taima wouldn't have to worry about it.
He meant well, thought Eva, gazing around the ballroom.
The walls were decked out with handmade paper streamers that looked as though they were stolen from a kindergarten classroom. The tablecloths were in garish colors like magenta, brown, and mustard yellow. Horrifying, life-sized papier-mâché figures of Willis and Taima welcomed guests to the buffet table that featured a spread of Chinese take-out. There was a DJ by the dance floor spinning and head-banging to polka records.
The "centerpieces" were a few fake orchid flowers "artistically" strewn about on the table.
On the dance floor, Eddie was showing off his polka dance moves to his girlfriend, Phoebe, while Roxie and Rocky recorded it on their phones.
Taima and Willis sat at their own table up front. They were feeding each other bites of orange chicken and nuzzling noses.
Eva shared her table with Logan and his entourage. She had already been introduced, but she couldn't tell Shavon from Chevon.
Siobhan stood up. "I need to go to the restroom," she announced.
"Oh thank God! I didn't wanna go by myself," piped up Sheighvawn.
"I'm coming too!" said Chiffon...Or was it Chevon? It didn't matter, as the entire gaggle of women got up and left the table.
Eva and Logan exchanged looks.
"You brought the party with you, huh?" said Eva.
Logan chuckled. "It's a very open polyamorous relationship. Lemme tell you, it's every bit as amazing as it sounds."
"Can't say I know how that sounds," said Eva. She looked around the party. "Man, did everyone bring a date?"
Sitting next to Eva, Rob's mother was ranting in Cantonese about the "Chinese food." Rob stared dead-eyed into space, the very image of regret.
"Hey now, there isn't some rule book that says you can't come single," said Logan.
"Yes, I'd say you're in an enviable position, Eva," muttered Rob.
Still, this was a bad time for Eva to be surrounded by couples, or in Logan's case, a nontuple. Happy couples, no less. People who undoubtedly fit together.
"Eva. We're not right for each other. Not in that way."
Before Eva could lose herself in yet another downward spiral, Eddie appeared, marveling at Logan's head-turning entourage who had just passed by. He clapped Logan on the shoulder.
"Daaaamn, dawg! You straight pimpin'!" Eddie blustered, his voice cracking.
"Shut the fuck up, Eddie."
"Yessiree dawg!"
Ever undeterred, Eddie turned to Eva. "Eva! You've hopped on the Logan train too?"
"Oh, no. We're just sitting at the same table," said Eva.
"I see, I see. Cool, cool. Hey, where's Neil?" probed Eddie.
Oh, bless Eddie and his unfailing knack for hitting your rawest nerves with a bulldozer.
"He's...not coming," replied Eva.
"Why? Where is he?"
"WHOOOO!"
Neil careened down a steep drop on a rollercoaster. Left! Right! Loop-de-loop! Corkscrew!
The rollercoaster thundered through empty space. On all sides, as far as the eye can see, swirled a miasma of shapeless color - like the surface of a bubble.
Neil's body was actually sitting in his office at Sigmund Corp, his special modified helmet on his head and a childish grin on his face. This was his world, and his alone. He relished the escape.
"Faye!" Neil yelled as the rollercoaster coasted to a smooth stop. He laughed from giddiness. "Make a note! Physics engine test is a success! Whooo!"
"Go build some kind of note-taking app. I'm not your secretary."
A scowling young woman materialized next to the rollercoaster, her arms folded.
"Isn't it, like, Saturday night?" asked Faye.
"Sometimes you just need a vacation from vacation, y'know what I mean? Besides, Rob wanted me to perfect our shiny new "Imagination" system, so I'm racking up overtime."
Neil Imagined a giant fist into existence. He fist bumped it. Boom! The giant fist burst into sparkles!
Faye shook her head. "I thought you've already worked out most of the kinks. You're just slacking off now."
"Um, excuse me. This is the exact opposite of slacking off, okay? I'm doing extra work! Besides, you wouldn't even be here if I didn't work like a horse."
"Excuse you indeed. You need me - not the other way around; let's get that right."
"You're an easily re-writable block of code copied and pasted from Colin," quipped Neil.
"I'm the source code of your 'Imagination' system, dipwad," Faye parried.
"You're also a butt face."
"Your face is a butt face."
Neil stuck his tongue out; he was out of comebacks.
Rob had Neil test how well the machine's built-in physics engine worked on objects conjured up from pure imagination. Faye, a figment of imagination from a previous patient, was converted into a block of code that granted the user immense imagination capabilities. If these tests go well, they would no longer have to rely solely on the patient's sometimes faulty memory and the sometimes incomplete wiki of public data in order to fulfill wishes. The Sigmund agent would be able to "imagine" objects into existence on the spot. This could be a game changer, and thus had to be kept a secret - even from other Sigmund Corp employees.
"You like being needlessly difficult, don't you?" said Faye. "How does your partner stand you?"
Neil cast a steely look at Faye. "Don't make me do it."
"Do wha-"
A unicorn with Tommy Wiseau's face falls on Faye with a CRASH!
"You're in the way, my GAAWWWD!" bleated the unicorn.
Faye's health bar decreased somewhat on the interface. She shoved the unicorn off and healed herself. The health bar re-filled; she was unharmed but annoyed.
The unicorn climbed into the rollercoaster behind Neil. "Oh hi, person," it greeted.
Neil scratched his chin. "Hmm, that wasn't supposed to cause actual damage. Guess I need to tweak some code in the physics engine. But hey, once I finish the module for cartoon physics, you'll be squashed like a pancake! Anyway, one more go-around should do the trick!"
He hit the "Go" button on the rollercoaster dashboard, and launched away. They chugged up a hill.
Faye floated alongside Neil like a ghost. "Aww, did I strike a nerve when I mentioned your partner?" she mocked in a baby voice. "Did you guys get into a fight again? Is that why you're here on a Saturday night like a loser?"
"Whoo! Here it comes!" yelled Neil, raising his arms as the rollercoaster went over the peak of the hill.
They flew downward!
"I mean, I'm just a bunch of pixels and computer code, and even I know that you two oughta-"
"STOP!" screamed Neil.
"Geez, I was just joking," sulked Faye.
"No! STOP THE ROLLERCOASTER!"
Neil SLAMMED on the "Stop" button. The rollercoaster SCREECHED to a halt halfway down the slope. Neil could feel himself tip forward in the seat due to the simulated "gravity."
Far below them at the base of the hill was a giant brick wall intersecting the tracks.
Rob was arguing with his mother while his own wedding song - some cheesy 80's power ballad - played to a sparse dancing crowd. His mother interrogated him about why he hadn't married anyone yet.
Eva watched them as a way to put off the thing she was about to do. She had her phone in her hand; "Neil Watts" was on her screen - just one button away from a call. She felt that nervous electricity coursing through her body all over again.
She didn't know what she wanted to say. The possibility that confessing her feelings to him had irreparably damaged their relationship had been clawing her from the inside for the past two days. She couldn't take this anymore. She wanted things to go back to normal. She had only just gotten him back after weeks without him, and now she's lost him again. All because she had to spill her stupid, melodramatic guts.
They don't belong together. Of course they don't belong together. Neil was right. Their relationship was nothing like the relationships she saw in the party or her relationship with Craig. What was she thinking?
If she could only convince Neil that she's seen the error of her judgement, they could be friends again. Yes, that's it. That's what she wants. Friendship.
Her knees bounced nervously. She took a deep breath.
She called Neil's number.
Beep! Beep! Incoming call: Eva Rosalene.
The words projected in front Neil, startling him.
"Oh, speak of the devil," said Faye.
Neil was still suspended on the rollercoaster track.
He tried to answer the call. Nothing happened.
Beep! Beep! It continued to ring.
"What's wrong? Why can't I pick up?" said Neil, confused.
"When you stopped the rollercoaster, you somehow stopped all the machine's processes, including the communication. Your machine is essentially frozen until you hit "Go" again," explained Faye.
"If I hit 'Go', we head straight into the wall. And as Tommy here proved earlier, objects can actually damage us here."
The unicorn with Tommy Wiseau's face brayed in protest. "I did not hit her. I did nawwwt."
"Oh but you did, Tommy. You did," said Neil.
"I can heal myself," said Faye.
"I'm not worried about you; I'm worried about me! I don't have healing capabilities in this world! I can't risk corrupting my only avatar by getting it smashed to pieces!"
Beep! Beep! Bee- Click.
"I guess she hung up," said Faye, unconcerned.
"Dammit, I can't call her back either. Everything's frozen," said Neil.
He peered down below at the brick wall at the bottom of the slope. Was it just him or did it grow even larger? If they could just get rid of the brick wall first, then he could safely hit "Go" and restart the rollercoaster - along with all the other systems.
"Alright, Fey, see if you can use your laser blasty thingies to destroy that wall," ordered Neil.
"I will if you 'fess up to what you're really doing here on a Saturday night," teased Faye.
Neil shook his head. "This is why you don't give sentience to technology," he grumbled. "Alright! We do things my way then."
First, he tried to Imagine a cannon into existence. Nothing happened.
Second, he tried to Imagine a wrecking ball into existence. Nothing happened.
Third, he tried to get the Tommy Wiseau unicorn to charge into the wall. ("Don't be such a dumb face. I work for me," said Tommy.)
Finally, he tried to eject himself back into the real world. Nothing.
"Well, shit...I might actually be stuck here," muttered Neil.
Faye watched him with amusement. "Havin' trouble?" she sang.
"Is nothing else functional except the damn 'Go' button!?"
"It seems so. Or I might still have my - what were they called? - laser blasty thingies?"
Neil gave her a withering look. "Could you please help me out here? This is serious."
"Why are you here?"
"Why do you wanna know that?!"
"Because you're fascinating," said Faye, with a smile. "And also I have a theory..."
"Tell me what your theory is," said Neil.
Her smile only widened as she stared at him expectantly.
Neil groaned in frustration and slumped in his seat. He stared out into the miasma.
After minutes of silence...
"I'm running away from Eva," he muttered.
"Why?" asked Faye.
"Because..." What was this feeling welling up in his chest? "We might...get together if I see her again. I guess I was hoping to put some time and distance between us so that her feelings fade, and she can move on."
"You're waiting for her feelings to fade?"
"She's not really in love with me; this is just a short-lived infatuation of hers. She needs time and space to figure it out. So that's what I'm doing - giving her space. Are you happy now?"
He fixed Faye with a stony stare, daring her to pry further.
Below them, another layer of bricks appeared on the brick wall.
"But you're in love with her," said Faye quietly.
"What- How did you-"
"I'm literally connected to your head, dummy. Everything here is."
"Yeah, you're in love with her," Tommy, the unicorn, piped up.
"Shut up, Tommy," growled Neil. His patience was wearing thin very quickly.
"Are you telling the truth, Neil?" asked Faye.
"Of course I am."
"...I don't think you are."
"Well, that's all you're getting out of me."
"You mean that last ditch attempt to justify your cowardice?"
"What do you want from me?!" he spat at Faye. "What, do you want me to chase after Eva at an airport and beg her to stay? Do you want me to ride in on a hypothetical white horse and object to her hypothetical wedding to the hypothetical man of her dreams? I'm running out of rom-com tropes here, and if you'll notice, that list wasn't very long. I'm not cut out for romance, Faye. And that's not coming from a place of insecurity; that's coming from actual experience. Yeah, that's right; this ain't my first rodeo. I've wasted a lot of time and energy on people who've felt nothing for me but pity. Nothing! You hear me? I don't mean a damn thing to people, because I'm an asshole. An unapologetic, unsentimental asshole. And Eva knows this better than anyone. So how - the fresh - HELL could she have legitimate feelings for someone like me? Just thinking about it makes me...makes me..."
"Makes you scared?" said Faye.
So much vitriol erupted in Neil's head at once that he was rendered momentarily speechless. He couldn't remember the last time he had been this royally pissed off.
Below them, yet another layer of bricks appeared on the brick wall.
Faye sat herself next to Neil on the rollercoaster, staring down at the growing wall.
"Have you ever stopped to wonder why your patients never did the thing they end up wishing for on their deathbed?" she asked. "Everyone'll say that life just got in the way, but...I think the reason is much more internal. There's something...terrifying...about going after what you really want, especially when it's actually within reach. When the opportunity presents itself, more often than not, you hesitate, because changing your life for the better is still a scary change. And people will do everything in their power to avoid change, and all the uncertainty, rejection, and failure it comes with."
She looked Neil in the eye.
"I think you should hit the 'Go' button," she said.
Neil blinked in surprise. "What?"
"Hit the 'Go' button."
"But the wall - !" Neil sputtered.
"What about the wall?"
"What about the - Are you broken too?! It's a freaking wall! We could really hurt ourselves!"
"Well, two things are going to happen upon impact. Either you crash into it and stop in your tracks - hurting yourself. Or you crash through it and continue on to the rest of the rollercoaster ride - still hurting yourself. The probability of pain is 100%. So, you can't factor in "pain" when making your decision. The only thing you have to decide is to press the 'Go' button or to stay here, staring at the big, scary wall forever."
Neil turned to stare down at the imposing wall. It looked incredibly solid.
"What'll happen when the wall breaks?" he asked nervously.
"I don't know," said Faye, nonchalantly.
"Spoken like someone who knows exactly what'll happen," mumbled Neil.
He gritted his teeth. This was insane! No one in their right mind would voluntarily launch themselves at a brick wall!
But this was a battle of wills now; him vs. the wall!
His heart pounded in his chest. His nerves crackled with electricity.
"Faye," he said.
"Yes?" she smiled.
He looked her in the eye with every ounce of sincerity.
"If I die here, I just want you to know...I've always hated you."
He slammed the 'Go' button.
All at once, a rapid succession of things occurred as the rollercoaster launched downward toward the wall:
First, a cannon popped into existence at the front of the rollercoaster and fired a cannon ball. It bounced off the wall before disappearing.
Second, a wrecking ball swung forward from behind them. Everyone screamed and ducked, as the wrecking ball whooshed inches over their heads. It glanced off the wall before disappearing.
Third, Tommy Wiseau, the unicorn, leapt ahead of the diving rollercoaster to charge at the wall. He collided head-first and burst into ones and zeroes.
Finally - "Force eject initialized - 0% complete."
The wall hurtled toward them! Neil gripped the rollercoaster bar white-knuckled!
They were going to make it!
Back in the Sigmund Corp office, Neil's body gave an almighty shudder.
CRASH!
The rollercoaster smashed headlong into the brick wall! Everything everywhere hurt like hell. Both Neil's and Faye's health bars decreased to within an inch of their lives.
Neil clawed his way out of the rubble, coughing through the dust and smoke. He looked up.
The brick wall had several large cracks where the rollercoaster made impact. But it still stood. The rollercoaster, on the other hand, was completely destroyed.
Faye climbed out of the carnage and healed herself.
"You ok?" she asked.
"We couldn't even break the wall down," Neil croaked. "That was so not worth it..."
After several rings, Eva hung up, dejected. Neil was probably playing some video game, as was his usual Saturday night routine. This was stupid. Why was she doing this here and now? She oughta be enjoying herself. It's a party, for God's sake.
Cling cling cling cling cling! People tapped their wine glasses with their forks. Taima and Willis turned to each other and exchanged Eskimo kisses to raucous cheers and applause.
"How on Earth did they find each other?" Eva wondered aloud. "What are the odds that you actually meet someone that perfect for you?"
"No idea," said Logan. "I don't even think it's a matter of finding anyone 'perfect' for you. No single person can fulfill all your needs, which is why I'm dating eight people. It's like dating the equivalent of a perfect person."
Logan chuckled at his own joke.
Eva looked around at all of her coworkers who had brought someone - even a nagging mother.
Roxie's wedding song - something from a Disney movie - played on the speakers. Roxie and her fiancé, Rocky, were also dancing together, lost in their own little world. All eight of Logan's girlfriends danced together in a huddle.
"I'm starting to think that finding someone you love, who also happens to love you too, and who is also compatible with you is like guessing all the winning numbers in the lottery. And I just came up one number short. How on earth did everyone else get so lucky? Even Eddie's got a girlfriend," she gestured to Eddie and Phoebe on the dance floor.
"Eva, have you ever considered the possibility of just...letting it be?" Logan asked gently. "So much of this is out of your control."
Eva looked at him. Letting it be?
Cling cling cling cling cling! rang the wine glasses.
"Speech! Speech!" someone in the crowd called out. It echoed around the room, until the entire party called for either Taima or Willis to make a speech.
Willis stood up. Everyone cheered.
"First of all, I want to thank everyone for coming to celebrate our fiftieth wedding anniversary with Taima and I. We're very grateful to be surrounded by a lifetime of family and friends. You've all played an important role in making our lives worth living."
"Aww"s and applause filled the room.
"With that said, some of you need a good 'ol fashioned 'talking to'!" Willis continued with a crooked smile. "You think I don't see your disgusted looks when I give Taima butterfly kisses or when she smacks my delicious ass? Think again!"
"Oh God, Willis, no," Eva muttered, mortified. Everyone else laughed.
"Taima and I have gotten a lot of flack throughout the years about our open expression of love to each other. But let me tell ya, boys and girls. Romance isn't some sickly sweet, eye-roll inducing nonsense. It's a form of honesty - perhaps the most revealing form of honesty there is. I've seen too many patients wish for that "one who got away," because they've allowed factors besides pure honesty steer them away from the one they love. But what do I know? I'm at my fiftieth wedding anniversary with my hot potato - my honey buns - my Taima. And I can think of no better way to blunder through one's life than to be this honest with her every single day I'm alive."
More "Aww"s.
"So suck it, millenials!" Willis bowed to laughter and applause, and gave Taima a passionate kiss with a lot of delicious ass-grabbing for good measure.
"Maybe if they get it all out of their system now, we won't be subjected to it at work as much, right Eva?" joked Roxie, mid-applause.
"Yeah..." mumbled Eva.
Honesty...Telling someone the truth...then letting it be?
Eva snuck away from the dance floor just as another song started up - a slow jam from Logan.
She left the ballroom and exited the hotel. The night was chilly; the breeze made her shiver. She took out her phone, and stared at Neil's number for a moment before hitting "Call".
She listened to an odd moment of complete silence, all too aware of her heart pounding in her chest.
It went straight to voicemail. A little disappointed, but undeterred, she mustered her courage.
"Hi Neil. It's me..." she began. "I can't imagine what you're up to right now, but I'm sure it's important...Who am I kidding? You're probably playing Star Craft or something. Anyway, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I just wanted to tell you..."
This is it. Whatever happens, happens.
"...that I still love you. I am 110% certain that I love you. I don't know how to guarantee that any further, but I promise you, I am absolutely in love with you, Neil Watts. With that said..."
She took a deep breath.
"...I'm giving you up. I'm putting this whole thing behind me. If you don't want a relationship with me, I'm willing to accept that. And you've already made your preference crystal clear...So, I guess this is where it ends...
"I won't guilt-trip you into being my boyfriend. You've always loved your freedom more than anything else. So you're free. Continue living the life you love. Be yourself - your nerdy, prickly, brutally honest self. The next time you see me, please joke with me, play a prank on me, hit me with one of your 'ninja strikes.' If that's all you and I are and will ever be...I'll be happy. Really. No hard feelings, okay? You'll always be my best friend, and I'll always be yours. I promise.
"If I could just ask you for one favor, though..." her voice began to quiver. "If you could just...If you could just come to the party. And dance with me. Just once. I know it's stupid. I know you hate stuff like this. But please...Just once. For me. Then you can do whatever you want with our relationship afterwards. If you don't want to...or you don't get this in time...I promise I'll never hold it against you or bring it up again. This'll be the last time I'll ask anything like this from you. I promise. This was just...something I've wanted for a long, long time. And I just wanted to experience it. Once. With you."
Her voice gave out, as if something was blocking it. She pushed forward.
"So, after tonight...I'm letting this all go. But fair warning, I won't be a closeted romantic anymore. Not around you or anyone else. That bit you'll just have to deal with."
She smirked a little.
"Anyway, I, uh...I'll see you later. Bye."
She hung up. And took a deep, shaky breath.
She did it.
Neil laid in the rubble - hands shaking, breath shallow, eyes wide - listening to every word of Eva's voice mail.
To be continued...