What if the Avengers were a Sitcom…..Chapter 2
Tony, Pepper, Clint and Natasha are walking down the street after finishing dinner at a fancy restaurant Tony had gotten them reservations to. The evening was pleasant and relaxing until Tony, as usual, said something stupid.
"What?" Tony shouts and shrugs his shoulders innocently when Pepper shoots him a frustrated look. "I'm not saying you stink at baseball. All I'm saying is that winning is more important to me than it is to you. You're just not competitive and that's why we lost the ball game at the company picnic last year."
"So you are saying it was all my fault we lost the game?" Pepper stops walking and stares at Tony and he knows his life hinges on how he answers the question.
"I am saying…." he pauses and chooses his next words carefully. "That…..we lost…..because…..you're too nice…to pound the other team….into the ground…."
Tony instantly knows he answered wrong when Pepper rolls her eyes at him and stomps past him. "Pepper!"
"Just stop talking, Stark. You're only digging yourself a deeper hole," Natasha smirks and walks past the confused Inventor.
"What did I say wrong?" Tony looks to Clint for answers. "What could have possibly been taken as insulting in that response?"
"Don't try to figure them out, Stark," Clint elbows him in the arm. "You just can never know what's going on in their heads."
"My dad always said 'the moment you think you know what is going on in a woman's head is the moment your goose is well and truly cooked,'" Tony huffs. "I'm beginning to see his point."
"I hear ya," Clint laughs.
"Why are you laughing at that?" Natasha spins on her heel and stares the befuddled Archer down. "Do you agree with what he just said?" Natasha jabs her thumb toward Tony.
"What? No…I…" Clint stutters.
"What, do you think that the problem is that women are over sensitive, nit-pickers who's sole purpose in life is to make you miserable?" Natasha interrupts Clint. "Did you ever stop and think that it's not the women? Maybe it's men like you who do and say stupid things like that last comment that are the problem?"
"Um…I…" Clint stutters again.
"Not even Steve thinks like that and he was actually alive when that kind of thinking was normal," Natasha scoffs and stomps away with Pepper.
"Dude, it wasn't enough that you were in the dog house - you had to bring me down with you?" Clint frowns at Tony who just shrugs unsympathetically and follows after the girls.
Once they arrive back at the Tower they walk through the lobby and ride the elevator up in painful silence. The girls are standing together on one side of the elevator while the boys stand together on the opposite side, no one saying a single word, as the quiet elevator music plays overhead. Tony turns to Pepper and opens his mouth to speak when she quickly turns to face him and shoves her finger in his face.
"You know what? Natasha and I could beat you and Clint at anything. Isn't that right, Natasha?" Pepper turns to Natasha and she raises her brow and nods intimidatingly. "In fact, we challenge you to a game of charades."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Tony holds up his hands. "Pepper, you know I am the king of charades. Don't you want to pick something you have a chance at winning?"
"Shut up, Stark," Clint mumbles from the corner of the elevator - the furthest point from the angry girls in the tiny elevator.
"What? They're already mad at us, Clint. We might as well accept it. We can totally beat these girls. We're not afraid of them. We're grown men, damn it," Tony stands tall and faces off with Pepper who crosses her arms and refuses to back down.
"What's the matter, Clint?" Natasha smirks and comes along side Pepper, matching her stance and crossing her arms. "Scared of a couple of girls kicking your butt?"
"No," Clint stands tall with Tony. "Tony and I can take you both on. We're a united front." Tony nods in agreement as the two men fist bump each other in a show of solidarity.
"United front, huh?" Natasha smiles deviously to Pepper. "We'll see."
Tony and Clint share concerned glances with one another before the two couples walk off the elevator and into the empty living area of the penthouse. Bruce is down in his lab working on some projects, Thor is off-world for a little while, and Steve is down in the gym.
The girls sit on the couch next to Clint and Tony stands in front of them.
"Alright, girls," Tony shakes his arms out and cracks his neck in showy preparation for the game. "Who's going first?"
"Rock, paper, scissors decides it," Clint points to Pepper and Tony. Pepper walks over to Tony and they face off.
"Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!" they both chant in unison. Pepper throws paper while Tony throws scissors.
"Oh! My scissor cuts your paper just like my skills shall cut down your lofty ambitions of beating me," Tony pretends to snip Pepper's paper with his scissors and she frowns at him.
"Just pick your first clue," Natasha throws Tony's phone at him and he opens the Charades app.
"Alright, here we go," Tony sets the phone down after getting his word and faces Clint.
"It's a song," Clint nods when Tony holds his hands up to his mouth. "Five words. First word," Clint nods as Tony signals him.
Tony nods in agreement before his bows his head and takes a dramatic deep breath and the girls look at each other and roll their eyes at the Billionaire. Tony points to Pepper.
"Pepper? Girl? Woman? Her? She? She," Clint starts spouting off guesses until Tony nods at the word 'she'. "Alright, second word," Clint nods in understanding when Tony holds up two fingers. Clint is confused when Tony starts walking around the room with his eyes closed and runs into the wall and the coffee table.
"Um….uh…." Clint snaps his fingers, "blind! She's blind?" Clint puts the words together and looks confused. Tony thinks for a second and then holds up five fingers to signal Clint that this is the fifth word.
"Running out of time, Stark," Natasha warns.
Tony frantically points to his arc reactor.
"Your arc reactor? Tech? Inventions?" Clint rapid fires guesses, but Tony shakes his head. He points at Pepper. "She," Clint repeats the words he knows Tony wants him to say. Tony walks over to the lamp and shines it in his face and walks around, running into things. "Blind. Blinded" Tony nods and points to his arc reactor frantically.
"Ten seconds," Pepper smirks as she counts down on her watch.
"She. Blinded. Arc reactor…." Clint scratches his head before he jumps off the couch and points at Tony. "She's blinded me with Science!"
"Yes!" Tony and Clint jump up and down while high-fiving. "Beat that, Ladies!" Tony shouts.
"Alright, Natasha," Pepper stands and picks up Tony's phone to get their clue. "Ready?"
"Hit me," Natasha nods.
"TV show," Natasha answers when Pepper holds up her fingers in the shape of a rectangle and nods. "Two words. First word."
Pepper holds her hand out in front of her like she's holding something and raises her other hand in the air. "Pouring? Pouring into a glass? Filling a glass?" Natasha guesses, but Pepper shakes her head. She pauses to think for a moment before moving her hand to her mouth and chewing. "Eating? Chewing?" Pepper leans back and pats her stomach with her hand. "Full!" Natasha shouts and Pepper nods enthusiastically.
"Alright, second word," Natasha leans forward onto her elbows when Pepper takes her fingers and outlines a shape. "Triangle?" Natasha frowns. Pepper outlines another shape under the triangle. "Square? Triangle and a square?" Natasha stares at Pepper as she tries to put the clues together. "Oh! Full House!" She shouts.
"Yeah!" Pepper laughs and the two girls high five proudly. "In your face, boys!"
"Whatever," Tony huffs. "She's Blinded me with Science' was way harder."
"She's Blinded me with Science was way harder," Pepper repeats in a whiney voice and a mischievous smile on her face.
"Don't mock me, woman," Tony frowns and Pepper and Natasha both laugh. "You're up, Legolas." Clint stands and catches the phone that Tony tosses to him.
"Really?" Clint raises his brow and sighs at the clue that comes up on the phone. He tosses the phone to the table and holds his hands in front of him with an exasperated look on his face.
"It's a book!" Tony points and Clint nods. "Two words. First word." Clint squats on the floor and pulls his arms in tight. "Squatting. Popping a squat. Pooping. Constipated." Tony rapid fires guesses.
"Constipated? Really?" Clint shouts.
"Hey! No talking, Cheater McCeaterson!" Natasha points at him.
Clint sighs and shakes his head and holds up two fingers to signal Tony to move onto the second word. Tony tips his head sideways and frowns when Clint suddenly starts strutting around the room with his hands on his hips. "Mic Jagger? The Rooster Strut? Moves like Jagger?" Clint face-palms and holds his hands out in front of him, signaling Tony to remember that this is a book.
"It's a book. Right. Right," Tony nods.
Clint walks closer to Tony and flutters his eyes at him with a goofy grin. "Eye twitching? Creepy?" Tony leans away from Clint with a concerned look on his face.
"Ten seconds," Natasha warns.
Clint motions his hand in an hour glass shape and pops his butt out and puts his hand on his hip and flutters his eyes at Tony again while the girls just laugh in amusement.
"I almost don't even want to call time," Natasha laughs.
"What the hell was that?" Tony shouts.
"Little!" Clint squats down to the floor like he had before. "Women!" He sticks his hand on his hip and pops his butt out again. "Little Women! What book is called 'Moves like Jagger" or "Popping a Squat?"
"What kind of woman stands like that?" Tony imitates Clint's suggestive stance. Clint shoots him a look and is about to answer when Tony interrupts him. "Never mind. Don't answer that."
"Little Women!" Clint yells again at Tony in frustration.
"Look, don't get mad at me that you suck at being a woman," Tony shoots back. "Focus, Barton. We're a united front, remember?"
"Okay, boys," Pepper wipes away a tear from her eye from laughing so hard and hands Natasha the phone. "Don't get all upset that we're kicking your butts," Pepper stands and pops her butt out like Clint had and the two girls laugh. Clint flops down on the couch, obviously still annoyed Tony didn't guess his clue.
"You're not kicking our butts," Tony scoffs. "We're tied at 1 to 1. Clint and I can still beat you."
"Oh yeah?" Natasha crosses her arms. "Let's add some insult to injury, Pepper."
"What do you have in mind," Pepper puts her hands on her hips and stands next to Natasha.
"I bet that I can get Pepper to guess this next clue in less than twenty seconds. If she guesses correctly, we automatically win and you two have to strut your stuff through the Tower tomorrow at breakfast in front of everyone in whatever Pepper and I want to dress you in."
"Think about this, Tony," Clint warns.
"And if you lose?" Tony asks cautiously, ignoring Clint.
"We will strut our stuff in front of you in whatever you decide, or don't decide, to dress us in." Natasha and Pepper both smirk at the two boys.
"Deal," both of the boys answer simultaneously. Pepper and Natasha shoot a look at each other and roll their eyes at how easy it was to talk them into the bet. Pepper sits as Natasha starts.
"Movie," Pepper nods at Natasha's hand motion. "Four words."
"Four words?!" Clint and Tony laugh, confident they just won the bet.
Natasha ignores them and focuses on Pepper. She kneels on the floor and folds her hands. "Praying. Thor. God. Jesus. Lord," Pepper lists off as fast as she can and Natasha nods at 'Lord."
"First word is Lord." Pepper nods. "Fifth word." Natasha holds up her left hand and points to her finger. "Ring! Lord of the Rings!"
"She got it!" Natasha high-fives her.
"How many seconds was that, Clint?" Tony asks as he lets his head drop and leans his elbows on his knees.
"You don't want to know," Clint sighs and falls back into the couch.
"Oh boys," Natasha laughs. "This is going to be so much fun."
"Alright, alright," Tony holds his hands up. "You had your fun. You win the game."
"We win the bet," Pepper corrects.
"No, it was just a silly little bet," Tony shakes his head as he tries to figure out a way to get out of the punishment.
"No, it was not just a silly little bet," Pepper smiles deviously. "Come on, Natasha. Lets go through our closets and pick the boys out something real nice and pretty."
"Whoa, no one ever said anything about wearing girl clothes," Clint stands nervously.
"We agreed on 'whatever we want to dress you in.'" Natasha laughs. "What did you think we meant by that?"
"Aren't you so glad that I'm not nice and I showed you that I can be competitive and pound the other team into the ground, Sweetie," Pepper smirks and pats Tony on the face. "We're totally going to win the ball game at the next company picnic."
"I am never playing on a team with you again, Stark," Clint sits on the couch and runs his hands through his hair in frustration.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
The next morning comes and Steve is siting at the table with a cup of coffee and his newspaper while Thor is sitting next to him eating his new favorite breakfast of blueberry Pop Tarts. Bruce is on the other side of him on his laptop, finishing out equations from his experiments from the night before. Pepper and Natasha briskly walk into the kitchen with smiles on their faces and a boom box in hand.
"You two look awfully chipper this morning," Steve glances up from his newspaper and takes a sip of his coffee.
"Oh, we are," Pepper smiles.
The two ladies position themselves at the breakfast bar and press play on the radio. Up beat music with a heavy bass beat plays when Tony and Clint come strutting into the living area and strike a pose. Steve chokes on his coffee and Thor drops his Pop Tart to the table, frozen where he sits and his mouth hanging open. Bruce stops typing and just stares in shock.
Clint is wearing a pair of jeans that have been cut off into short shorts and says 'juicy' on the butt. His shirt is one of Natasha's crop tops that is waaaayyy to small for him and a feather boa is wrapped around his neck. A pair of white heeled boots and a pair of pink sunglasses finish off his look.
Tony is next to him with a floor length, sequin, black gown with a slit in the skirt up to his thigh. The thin straps and sweetheart neckline look awkward over his shoulders and chest, but he does have a very nice diamond necklace around his neck and a lovely set of black heels.
After the two men finish posing they strut around the breakfast table and do one final pose before strutting back into the rooms they came from. The girls are both losing it in the kitchen while the rest of the Avengers all sit in stunned silence at the table.
"Does that normally happen around here?" Steve shoots a worried glance to Bruce and Thor does the same, neither one of them sure of what just happened.
"No." Bruce quickly shakes his head. "No, that is definitely something I have never seen before, but, oddly enough, it doesn't surprise me."
"What does this word, "juicy" mean and why is it adorned on Barton's pants?" Thor frowns. Bruce shudders a little and holds his hand up and shakes his head again and Thor gets the message.
Steve blinks a few times, trying in vain to erase what he just saw from his memory, before going back to his newspaper. Thor picks up his Pop Tart again, frowning and starring off into space while he looks thoroughly traumatized and Bruce goes back to his work. Pepper and Natasha just smile from the kitchen and high-five each other, proud of what they just pulled off.