Dear Diary,
Can you imagine? There I was, innocently minding my own business in a brand new sweater from Marc Jacobs' latest collection, when the group of Neanderthals that call themselves football players cornered me by the dumpster.
Well of course, I had no idea what was going on. Their ringleader, Noah Puckerman, does have an irrational hatred for me… It's probably because he realizes that his best friend Finn is falling in love with me and he wants to shed as unfavorable a light on me as possible to prevent it from happening.
Not that I would return the feeling. I'm not gay. Oh, no. Quite the opposite, I assure you, diary.
So, after much teasing about my supposed sexuality, these beasts threw me unceremoniously into the dumpster! In fact, if my knight in shining armor… um, I mean Finn… hadn't rescued my Marc Jacobs sweater and my vintage leather book bag, they would have both been destroyed. I had to shampoo my hair seven times to get the smell out of my hair… and I'm not even going to TALK about the conditioner.
Kurt Hummel
Dear Diary,
Glee club is holding open auditions! I fully intend to wow Mr. Schuester with my impressive yet unexpected soprano vocal range. I will sing the song Mr. Cellophane from Chicago. I wonder what I should wear. Perhaps something a bit less intense than usual, or else it won't correspond with the song… I cannot be invisible whilst clothed in the latest runway trends, now, can I?
Kurt Hummel
Dear Diary,
Auditions went well. The girl who went before me, Mercedes Jones, had a powerful voice and a wonderful diva-attitude, but the element of surprise is a powerful weapon. As soon as Mercedes walked onto that stage, we all knew she would be singing something along the lines of Respect. Nobody ever expects a soprano rendition of Mr. Cellophane. I'll be the star of this club in no time.
Kurt Hummel
Dear Diary,
The first day of Glee practice was… chaotic.
There are five students in the club. Mercedes, the girl I wrote about yesterday, has proved to be exactly what I expected. She is a diva. She does have a great sense of style, but that doesn't make up for her personality.
At least she's not as annoying as Rachel is. I'd like to stuff a sock in that girl's mouth.
Tina and Artie are actually okay. Tina is very shy, and Artie tucks his sweaters into his pants, but I feel I could get along with them both over time. They seem friendly and accepting. Besides, they obviously need my help. Neither of them have a clue.
We tried to sing the song Sit Down, You're Rocking the Boat from Guys and Dolls. Things did not go well. I dropped Tina on the floor twice, Rachel kicked Mercedes in the knee, and Artie's wheelchair smashed into the wall, breaking the bulletin board. After we finished the song, Rachel declared that we sucked and stormed out. All in all, I'd say we're not off to a good start.
Kurt Hummel
Dear Diary,
Finn Hudson joined Glee club today. Finn Hudson!
Yes, that Finn Hudson. The one that, much as I try to deny it, I have fallen hopelessly in love with.
Yes, I am gay. If you're reading this and you're on the football team, I said that just to humor you. One day, I will rule you all.
Going back to our previous topic, Finn can sing! Perhaps his voice is a little rough, but it's nothing that a bit of training can't fix. Perhaps I could help.
He sang You're The One That I Want from Grease with that Rachel girl. She tried to seduce him 13 seconds into the song by being all touchy-feely. Then, she did the unthinkable.
She. Messed. Up. My. Hair.
That is crossing the line. I have sworn an official oath today to loath Rachel for all eternity.
Besides, you should have seen the way she was looking at Finn. She was smiling and widening her eyes and batting her lashes. Finn seemed a little disturbed, as was I; however, despite the fact that Rachel was moving in on my man, we actually sounded kind of good for once. Mercedes had to ruin it by diva-ing out, of course. I quote:
"Oh, Hell to the nah! Look, I ain't down with all this background singing nonsense. I'm Beyonce, I ain't no Kelly Rowland!"
Please. As if she could ever be as good as Beyonce.
Kurt Hummel
Dear Diary,
We just went to Carmel to see last year's Regional champions, Vocal Adrenaline. If all goes as planned, we'll be performing against them in Regionals.
I think I'll go hide under my pillow now.
Kurt Hummel
Dear Diary,
Now I'll definitely need to hide under my pillow. Mr. Schue is leaving us.
His wife is pregnant, so he needs to find a better job. I guess family is more important, but still… We had so little hope for making Regionals. What hope do we have now?
Kurt Hummel
Dear Diary,
I want to know. When was the election for queen, because I didn't vote for Rachel Berry! If I had known about the election, I would have voted for myself, and then been disqualified based on my gender.
She thinks she knows everything. She took over Glee club, can you imagine? Her "simple" choreography was backbreaking, stressful, and impossible to do while singing and smiling. Luckily, Finn came fresh from saving Artie's life to save the rest of us from Rachel. Finn really is a knight in shining armor. Then said he was sorry for egging Rachel's house, throwing pee balloons at me, and nailing my lawn furniture to my roof.
Even though he said he wasn't actually there for that.
I'm very proud of him.
He also took charge of the club. He asked us all what our special talents were and assigned us jobs accordingly. Artie is in charge of the instruments, Rachel is doing choreography, Mercedes is arranging the costumes (ridiculous, she doesn't have half the fashion sense I do), and Finn is directing the music. For Tina, he said, he'll "find something".
He never asked me. Maybe he's just nervous about talking to me. I shall have to fix that later.
We had a dress rehearsal of Don't Stop Believing later in the afternoon, and we were amazing! Rachel recorded it with her video camera and posted it to YouTube:
/watch?v=bDKFn9gwNC8
Doesn't Finn look so deliciously handsome? And aren't Rachel's attempts to flirt with him so infuriating? She purposly choreographed it so that Finn would have to put his hand on her waist. I feel sorry for him.
I didn't know we could produce that kind of sound. Thanks to Finn's music direction, I think it was better than Vocal Adrenaline.
But that's just my opinion.
Kurt Hummel