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CHAPTER ONE: Cabin in the Woods
This trip will be wacky fun.
Seven days to snuggle my honey bun.
A week of drinking.
And premarital sex.
And tonight we'll make some snacks out of Hershey Bars and Chex!
Listen to us now, and make no mistake
We're gunna have fun 'cause it's spring break.
We'll pour! We'll score! We'll fall flat on the floor.
We'll do all this and a whole lot more – in out
Cabin in the woods! Oooh!
A cabin in the woods! Yeah!
We're five college students on our way to an old abandoned
Cabin in the woods!
Oh yeah!
"Yo – I'm Jean. Kirschstein. I'll be your friendly neighbourhood Scott for the next couple of months, and my favourite word is dick."
All of that punctuated with a half-hearted wave.
The beauty of cast meet-and-greets.
Let's take a moment to rewind since you probably have no idea what's going on. As you can tell (unless you're an idiot), my name is Jean. I'm a student at Trost University, and theatre is my game. I know, I know – what am I going to do with a degree in theatre? – well, the answer to that is simple. Fuck shit up, do better than everyone else, move to New York City, and continue to fuck shit up. What else would I do with this degree? Talent like me shouldn't go to waste.
Trost Players is Trost U's most well-known theatre troupe. We have a couple of other student run companies, but since none of them utilise the professors and none of them have 'Trost' in the title, they don't get as much funding. That makes for lackluster sets, half-assed costumes, and subpar publicity. Unfortunately, though, up until this year, Trost Players' artistic director was a lame, old man, who's mind didn't expand beyond Gilbert and Sullivan operettas and Shakespeare. It made sense most of the time, since Trost's theatre program is almost completely focused on classical acting and scene study, but it got pretty fucking boring pretty fucking quickly. When Pixis retired, he left Trost Players in a very good place, money wise (classical shows may be boring but damn do they sell), and Hanji took over. Theatre students (including myself) were foaming at the mouth, elbowing each other in the dicks, and scratching people's eyes out for the chance to be part of this year's season after it was announced.
The season in question opened with Evil Dead: The Musical.
I auditioned, and I was cast – which was pretty sick. But I didn't think I wouldn't be cast, to be honest. Most people come to Trost for the classical training, but they can't expand past that. They get stuck in a Shakespearean rut, I guess. Mikasa Ackerman, for example. Fucking flawless actress (and hot too, Jesus Christ, don't look at me). Last season she starred as Vera in Oscar Wilde's The Nihilists, and I (probably) had a hard on the entire time. She can sing, too. But I wasn't surprised when her name didn't crop up on the E.D cast list. She's not…contemporary enough for Evil Dead.
Moral of that story: I'm too rock and roll for my own good, and Mikasa is hella fine.
Currently, I'm in one of the rooms of Rose Hall, sitting around a giant, circular table used for staff meetings and cast meet-and-greets like this one. On my right is Sasha Braus, who has been one of my best friends since high school, practically my sister, you know the type. The type who'll beat up anyone who tried to fuck with me, and show any significant others embarrassing pictures of me without my consent.
To my left? Some guy I've only seen once or twice around campus. I think that I recognize him from Hamlet. It's possible he played either Rosencrantz or Guildenstern, but I'm not entirely sure. He looks broad. If his face were less sweet and freckly he would probably be intimidating as shit.
Hanji Zoe, our artistic director, sits directly opposite me, enthusiastically chatting to the group as cast and crew members trickle into the room and take seats. When everyone is settled and quiet, Hanji addresses everyone as a whole.
"Welcome!" They start, just as enthusiastic as before. "And congratulations! Cast of Evil Dead, I am so excited to own you for the next 3 months." They give a little clap, and Armin joins in, which sets of the rest of the group. We applaud each other for a few seconds, a couple of cheers erupting from the Trost Players veterans (namely myself, Reiner and Sasha) before Hanji starts up again.
"Before we dive into our read through, let's introduce ourselves. We'll go around the circle – I want to hear your name, your role in this production, and your favorite word. I'll start so we all get the right idea – my name is Hanji, I'm your director and your keeper, and my favorite word is sphincter. You next."
Everyone's eyes travel to the girl Hanji motions to. I smirk silently at Annie as she straightens up and begins her dry introduction. "Hello. My name is Annie." I can't help thinking she would make a very good Lizzie Borden with the face she's currently making. "I play Annie. And for continuities sake, my favorite word is Annie."
Hanji nods appreciatively and grins at Berthold, the awkward, slightly-moist guy sitting beside Annie, while the rest of the group titters at her grade A response. He introduces himself as Bert, informs us that he'll be playing all of the smaller roles in the show – the headless demon, for instance, and the severed hand. It seems to suit him somehow.
We move on. Reiner introduces himself, followed by Krista, Sasha, and yours truly.
"Yo – I'm Jean. Kirschstein. I'll be your friendly neighbourhood Scott for the next couple of months, and my favourite word is dick."
All of that punctuated with a half-hearted wave.
I grin as the guy beside me laughs quietly to himself. I can tell we're going to get along, because he thought my joke was funny. I look at him expectantly along with the rest of the room, and he clears his throat before starting his own introduction. "Hey, everyone. I'm Marco. I'll be playing Ed, and the Moose, and my favorite word is spoon."
Next is Armin. This is Amin's third or fourth time as a stage manager, and it's actually kind of a shame that he seems to be branching into stage management permanently. He's a pretty fucking incredible actor, as proved by his performance as The Baker in Titan Theatre's Into the Woods. He cut his hair for that part and it was an odd experience for everyone since we know he likes to keep it long. He may or may not have had me in tears, but we won't talk about that. I don't cry at a lot of things, and I'm about 80% sure you don't want to hear about the snot I had to discreetly wipe on my sleeve. He chooses his favorite word – tactical – of fucking course. And then it's Eren Jaeger's turn.
I immediately pretend to be fascinated by my nails, and try to block out everything he's saying. Here's the deal.
A year-ish ago, Eren and I dated very unsuccessfully, and I haven't quite recovered. No idea if he has, but whatever.
It started when we did West Side Story together in second year. He was Action, I was Riff, we were shamelessly flirty throughout the whole ordeal and no one was surprised when we ended up going home together after the cast party. (Still one of the best nights of my life, but that's a story for another time.)
Next day we were completely fucked-out and happy as ever, but it turned out that the sex was the only thing actually sustaining the relationship after we declared ourselves 'boyfriends.' I guess just because you're physically compatible it doesn't necessarily mean you're compatible in any other sense as well.
Basically, we fought a whole fucking lot, and it was goddamn exhausting.
Neither of us were happy, our grades dropped, our friends told us we were idiots for staying together, and in the end we broke up in the middle of a parking lot at 2am after Eren's car broke down on the way to my place. It was for the best, but things never really…sparked again. Friendship or relationship wise. We're still awkward as shit around each other, and long story short, I'm not super psyched to be playing Eren's best friend in this show.
After he's done, there are a few others. ASM's, Head of Wardrobe, Tech Director, and Production Manager, and then there's a short silence which is broken by Hanji. "Hopefully everyone is feeling a little more comfortable with each other now we know each other's names! I'm going to hand the floor over to Armin while I pass your scripts – Armin, if you're ready!"
"'Course!" Armin replies cheerily, rifling through his papers and beginning to chat about the emergency forms we're all required to fill in and give back to him before the end of the meet-and-greet. I'm only half paying attention since I now have my script and I'm hungrily rifling through it, searching for the name 'Scott' to get an idea of how much I'm actually in this musical.
When Hanji sits back down, Armin opens up his laptop and beams at them.
"Read through!" Hanji says almost immediately, grinning back at Armin but addressing the whole room. "Beginning to end. Obviously we won't be singing through the songs, since we don't know them yet – Armin will play through them on his laptop so you can all hear them and see how they fit. That being said, if you're way ahead of the game and you're familiar with the songs, feel free to sing along. I'll read the stage directions so we get an idea of those. Um…hmhmhm, anything else…?" A pause. "Ah, actually – yes. There are a couple of double cast parts. I'll be sure to let you know who's playing who as we go along. Cool?"
Everyone nods.
"Annie – you're playing Shelly. Now. We're off to the races. Act One, Scene One. A lone spotlight comes up on a giant Necronomicon at the top of the stage. The book opens up on its own, as the text, written in blood, fills the page. Jean, you're the Spirit of Knowby. That part'll be completely done in voice over, but read through so we all get an idea."
And so it begins. A dark introduction, followed by: "The book slams shut. Lights p on ASH, LINDA, SCOTT, SHELLY, and CHERYL, in a car."
The introductory song, Cabin in the Woods, begins to play, and I'm already really fucking pumped.