It wasn't exactly a normal day, but what was anymore? Being with him… I was out of my element always. Since saving Edward and returning to Forks, then choosing Jacob, I wasn't all that great at the fitting in. Edward had taken a vacation I was almost certain was permanent and Alice had stayed behind to be there for me when she couldn't be there for her brother, not that I needed as much consoling, or even that she had much time with me to console. It all began because of my recklessness, my need to hear his voice. I was so foolish to think I could forget the hole he'd left behind. I thought love was enough, thought it was all I needed, I so obviously felt it for him. I definitely didn't see this coming though. Falling for Jacob, telling Edward it had to end. When we got back, I thought about it, and it was too hard to forget that pain. He'd told me he didn't want me anymore; like I was something to be had to begin with. If he had of never left, sure I'd still be madly in love with him, but now… Things had changed, drastically. My own personal sun had picked up the demolition Edward had left behind and revived me. He'd brought me out of that broken record feeling, and for that Charlie and myself were forever grateful.
Of course it broke Edward, and it hurt me as well, saying it was over, but it had to be done. A part of me feared he would return sooner rather than later, and I'd fall back into the rhythm of loving him, and letting him go on with me as a little pet. Having him living elsewhere was definitely helpful to the healing process this time around. I'm not sure why it took me so long to realize what was right before me all along. I mean, I didn't see the prospect of being with Jacob until I had Edward back. That was bad, but Jacob saw it as the greatest thing. I shook my head as the final bell rang and school let out. I'd been grounded for the past three months, and finally, school was over. Today was the last day I'd ever spend in high school, and it was officially done. I smiled and nearly ran to my truck. With the end of high school came the end of my grounding. Charlie had eased up a bit when I told him I'd broken it off with Edward, and he'd shortened my sentencing remarkably. I was driving before I'd even buckled and I was pushing my truck to its limits on the way to La Push. It felt as though this drive was taking forever.
He was already outside waiting where I used to park when I pulled up, he must've sprinted from class, I was sure I'd have time to primp before he got out, not that I knew how to primp even if I had. I let out a slow breath as he flashed me that crooked grin I would always melt for and waved before walking around to the passenger side to climb in. I leaned over to hug him tight and kiss his cheek. He seemed bigger, still, like he'd grown even more, though I wasn't sure that was possible. I really thought he'd stopped growing. Maybe it was just because I hadn't seen him in a week and a half. It felt like forever.
"How was school graduate?" he smirked and I pulled away shaking my head. We both knew where I was heading. I didn't even need to watch the road, though I did, I knew the roads so well.
"I haven't graduated yet dork, give me the weekend." I laughed and glanced at him sideways. He was so excited for my graduation, and I wasn't sure why, I was hardly excited. It was just another way for everyone to know our age difference was as great as it was. I shook my head to clear the thoughts and looked out at the street before me on the way to his house. "Billy is out fishing with Charlie," I smiled, "We're home free." He looked over at me with that devilish grin he always wore when he got an idea. I looked at him almost worried, but more humored. He was always thinking up something fishy. I parked in his driveway and before I could unbuckle, he was opening my door. I took his helpful hand and slid out of the truck and walked with him, hand in hand, to the door, which was unlocked, as usual. I half expected the pack to be sprawled across the couches, it seemed the older boys were always around when we had time together these days, and gladly I noted we were all alone.
"You know, I'd say we could go do something, but we've done just about everything once or twenty times that there is here in La Push. Any ideas?" he wiggled and eyebrow and I looked at him confused. I wasn't sure if that was a come on or a twitch.
"I guess we could drive down to Port Angeles and catch a movie…" I looked at him questioningly. I wasn't exactly in the mood for starting up the physical aspects of our relationship. It wasn't that Jacob wasn't attractive to me; it was that I just wasn't sure how to be intimate with someone I could actually be intimate with. I looked down at my shoes shyly as my mind wandered to the nights I'd slept in Edward's arms. That was as physical as it got with us intimately. Our physical relationship was very, very limited.
"That sounds alright, I guess." Jacob didn't try to hide his disappointment and I knew why. He had a right to be disappointed. It had been a month now, and I'd been keeping him at arms' length. I wouldn't even put a label on whatever it was we were doing. Flirting, holding hands, occasional kisses on the cheek; I hadn't even let him kiss me yet.
"Look Jake, I know I've been a little stand-offish, I'm just adjusting, okay? You're so patient," I stepped closer to him, a little taken back by the awareness of how tall he was, "And I really appreciate it, but please bear with me. I just don't want to mess anything up. Forgive me if it seems like I'm leading you on. I just want it all to be right." He looked down at me with those big eyes that told me not to worry about it without him saying a word.
"I understand Bells, its fine. Lets catch a movie; we'll deal with that later." He grinned down at me and cupped my face, "Besides, persistence was always my strong suit, remember?" he chuckled and again I melted for him. He was so amazing to me; I couldn't believe I could be so lucky. It was like he always knew what to say, he always knew what I was thinking. He was the greatest thing in my life.
"Jacob?" I looked up at him with wide eyes; I wanted to just stay there, in his arms forever.
"Yes Bella Honey?" he looked at me questioning, and I knew he'd oblige my wishes if only I'd voice them. I looked down at his couch and decided we'd be better off at my house where there was a TV at least.
"Let's just go to my house, we can watch some TV and relax. We'll leave a note for Charlie and Billy to come up for pizza when they're done." He glanced around for paper, but he was one step ahead of me, already dashing to the kitchen to scrawl a note out to our fathers. It took him a moment to write it then he was back at my side, holding my hand then pulling me out the door. I followed him to my truck. He opened the door for me to get in and I did, then turned the truck on and buckled up while he walked around to the passenger side. We were on our way in no time, and Jacob was fiddling with the radio. I'd gotten over my hate of music and we were now able to comfortably agree on a station once in a while. I laughed at his frustration when a song I liked came on first. I sang along with Dear God by Avenged Sevenfold as he crossed his arms and sat back. I was slowly turning him into an A7X fan. He wasn't big on them, but I loved them, and was very anxious to start playing my CD again. He looked out his window as I turned onto my street and we approached my house.
"What are we going to watch?" he asked me before jumping out just as I pulled into park and running around to open my door once more. I thought for a moment about that, I hadn't considered what we could watch.
"I suppose we could just pop in a movie or something. You can pick, I don't really care much." He smiled as he took my hand and we walked to my door. He took my keys and unlocked it when I took too long and let us in before kicking the door closed behind us. I walked to the living room and let myself fall back into the couch; he was beside me with an arm around my shoulders before I could blink. I laughed and picked up the remote to hand it to him. "The movies are over by the TV." I looked at him sideways and he glanced between me and the movies.
"Too far; I'll just find something on TV." He smiled and reclined a bit more before channel surfing. It only took him a minute to find some comedy movie and then he set the remote down and we relaxed.
Focusing on the movie proved to be a bit difficult. With Jacob's arms around me, I couldn't focus on anything really. It had been about two hours since we'd sat down, and he'd rested back even more, I ended up half laying on him, with both of his arms around me holding my hands and his head on my shoulder. It was comfortable, but I wasn't sure how much longer I could go without finally giving in and letting him kiss me, but with that came the labels and I wasn't sure I was ready to label whatever it was we were doing. I swallowed slowly and let out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding in. I looked down at his muscular arms, so beautiful against my ivory skin. I closed my eyes in disgust. He was so beautiful, and I was so average, not to mention his muscles. His muscles had gotten so big since the first time I'd really noticed, that first day I took the motorcycles to him. He was just so much bigger all around. Sometimes I lost my Jacob behind the new one. It wasn't as easy now that I was used to searching his handsome face for my favorite features, but sometimes I forgot where to look, he just looked so old. I turned my head slightly to look at his from the corner of my eye. His tight russet skin was beautiful as always. I couldn't think of another word to describe him. Nothing did him justice. Beautiful was all that came to mind when I thought of him.
"You know you could just take a picture Bella." He chuckled deeply and turned his face to mine. I almost leaned back, but the closeness was comfortable. His lips were so close. If I just leaned forward the smallest bit I'd be kissing him. "It's about time for the old men to be getting back, you think we should go get the pizza?" he looked at me questioning. I took a deep breath and nodded. He must've been looking at the hunger in my eyes and read it as something else. Serves me right; I've only been playing with his emotions since the day we started talking.
"Why don't you go ahead and take the truck, I'll set the table and get changed. It's kind of warm." He smiled my favorite grin and kissed my forehead before letting my hands go so I could stand. Once I was up I turned to look at him, already standing beside me. More like towering beside me. I sighed and walked with him to the door then watched him walk out to the truck before shutting the door and jogging upstairs and entering my bathroom. I splashed some water across my face. "Wake up Bella! He's going to think you even more of a fool if you don't just get your head on straight." I looked at my reflection and shook my head before drying my face with a towel then walking to my room. The light came on and I blinked a couple times. Alice was sitting in my rocking chair. I smiled, pleased and walked to my dresser to find some light weight pajama pants.
"You do realize Edward will be back for graduation, don't you?" she half stated, half questioned. I closed my eyes and thought back to the day we'd returned. That night we'd talked about graduation and spending it together; of course that all felt like another lifetime now. It was supposed to be special; my first high school graduation, first being the keyword.
"No, I hadn't thought of it," I turned to look at her after changing out of my jeans and into my pajama pants. I then started searching for a tank top, which she tossed to me. It was folded on the arm of the rocker.
"He'll want to have a talk with you, before the ceremony naturally. Jacob won't be around, he'll have a chance. He's hoping to persuade you, you know, to change your mind. I almost laughed, but didn't, as I pulled off my shirt and replaced it with the tank top.
"Well we'll cross that bridge when the time comes. I really wish it wasn't so hard Alice. I just, he hurt me. I don't want to go back to that. I'm happy Alice, I really am." She seemed to be searching my face for something. I looked down at my old quilt, the one he used to wrap me up in before I fell asleep in his arms.
"My brother is many things, but he's no quitter. He'll always be there, waiting in the wings for you. Hopelessly devoted to you, praying he'll get his chance." She looked down at her hands folded in her lap. I felt terrible as I thought of what seeing him that way must be doing to the family.
"I wish he could be happy without me Alice, I truly do." She nodded, I knew she understood. "I love you all so much, it wasn't just Edward. You all mean so very much to me and that will never change. I do still love him, just not the way he'd like me to." That was when I saw her smile; I couldn't resist smiling in return.
"We all love you to, and someday maybe he'll come to terms with that. I've got to go now though. Jacob should be back in a moment, and just after him your fathers." I nodded, a bit sad that she had to leave. She was hugging me before I could reply, and I returned the hug happily, desperately. I missed her so much these days.
"I'll see you soon?" I questioned as she made her way to the window.
"Very soon, I promise. I'll be around." She nodded and then she was gone. I turned to my door slowly and made my way downstairs. It seemed like lately that was all I got to see her, a few short moments. I trudged around the kitchen setting the table, stewing over what she'd said. Why couldn't he just be my friend and be happy? My mind wandered to Jacob, as it did every other time I felt down and needed to smile. His towering body and bright personality; the boy I couldn't see myself living without. It was as if I'd never lived before him, like I'd only ever been in a dream. This reality was far too good for dreams. My imagination could never be this wonderful, so I knew he really did love me. Just as I set down the last napkin, the door opened and he was beside me in a flash, setting the two pizzas in the middle of the table; one for him and the other for our fathers and myself.
"What took you so long?" I laughed as he bent to kiss my cheek and I hugged myself to him.
"I wasn't gone that long Bells, calm down." He smiled and shook his head, then we heard the cruiser and knew it was time to listen to our dad's go on about fishing.
Two hours we spent at the table listening to our dads go on and on about how great it was and sharing glances that were meant to stay between us. Don't ask me how but we somehow convinced my Charlie to let me stay down in La Push and go to the bonfire with Jacob and the pack, or the guys as we said to Charlie, for the night to celebrate the end of school. I was in my room faster than he could get out the 'es' to 'yes' packing an overnight bag. I could still hear Jacob laugh at my response to Charlie's yes as I walked back downstairs carrying my bag of clothes and toiletries. I shook my head and pulled on my jacket before walking back into the kitchen, "Well I'm really to go."
"What's the rush Bella?" Billy chuckled as I slowly walked into the room, ready to turn and walk to the truck in an instant.
"He might change his mind!" I shook my head, "I don't want him to!" they all three got a kick out of my answer and I just rolled my eyes.