Elena's Journal: 4/16/12
Dear Diary,
I haven't written anything in a while, whether it's due to the fact that I have been busy beyond belief, or that if anyone shall ever have the oppurtunity to read this they'd deem me crazy. As if my life wasn't changed already when I had met the Salvatore brothers and had fallen in love with Stefan; Werewolves, witches, and even more vampires had came into play. This town has been swarming with Originals for long enough. When Esther discussed the terms of her plan with me I was onboard, anything to kill Klaus right? Except I had become a bit more than reluctant when my involvement, my blood would also be the end to one Original in question; Elijah...
Almost a year ago I would have kicked myself for second thoughts. He first met me with anger and vengence. He wanted Klaus dead as well, and even more so, he had become fascinated with the knowledge of me as the doppleganger... When he had first seen me, he had seen Katherine, and in Katherine, Tatia.
Although I had betrayed him several times, and our aquiantanship had been compromised on more than one occassion; he still smiles whenever he see me. I suppose we have similar values and ideals. The night of his mother's ball, he had given me such a vision of hope and had placed so much trust in me. That day when he had came to my house and had taken me to the place of his childhood in the woods, I felt an extreme amount of guilt. It was as if he had known every detail, as if he had seen me sign off his death certificate. I had felt as if my heart was going to burst. Apparantly, he did as well. He knew that I was lying about his mother's intentions. He lashed out and showed me a side of him that I knew was always there, but I had hoped it was long buried. I was more than sure that he felt that he was staring into the eyes of Katherine herself... I felt so ashamed...He left me alone with Rebeka of all people. God, as if she could hate me any less...
Yet, I had understood why he lashed out, why he showed his true emotions. I wished to never see that expression of betrayal from him ever again. That night when I was released I came home shaking from that days' regret and terror. After I had prepared for bed, eventhough I couldn't sleep, I had recieved a letter from Elijah...
I was terrified and perplexed at first as to why he would want to write to me. I came to the realization that he didn't truly hate me, and that he understood why I did what I had to, and I him.. He's such a beautiful man in all ways that count. I could tell that he truly was beyond remorseful...Then, there was another thing that had me wondering, " Always and Forever"...
Why would he write that? That night and every night since then I have been licking my lips in frustration about that comment. It doesn't help that I've always felt a sort of bond between Elijah and I, as if we had an unspoken understanding... He has this timeless essence about him that I appreciate, besides with him being so ancient. I've learnt a lot from him and I know I will, and want to learn a lot more from him. Eventhough Stefan wants me back and Damon's suffocating me with his love, I'm afraid both Salvatores are out of the question for me... Perhaps... No, Elijah wouldn't want to be with me, especially after the drama with his mother... I will always respect Elijah, he's usually so well composed, logical, and above all else; he is a noble man who has despite my past actions, has always came through and protected me one way or another. I would feel so safe around him, but now... I don't know... It's been two months since I've seen him and I miss him so much. At night I lay awake staring at my window, hoping he'll be there smiling at me... Eventhough it's a pipe dream, I wish that I could apologize to him face to face...