Can we ever get rid of the whats and the ifs
That doubts that exist in our minds
In the silence I am tricked into thinking you'll forget
And I'll be stranded like a man in a mine
Blair twisted the hem of her pleated Marc Jacobs skirt, feeling oddly nervous as she saw the numbers flashing on the elevator screen. She was alone and stared religiously at her reflection as the elevator rode up. Her curly hair was brushed down and her make-up was impeccably applied and for once there were no shadows under her eyes. As her scrutiny brought forth no imperfections, she straightened up as the elevator stopped with a ding. The doors opened and she walked into the Empire penthouse with a deep breath.
Every since the day Chuck had come to her for advice on finding Elizabeth, Blair had felt nothing but ice cold dread. Her nagging anxiety had to be put to rest and she decided to tackle the problem once and for all. She had an excuse after all; he had paid her dowry and she had been a bitch to him. He needed to be thanked properly and while doing that she would tell him to let the ashes lie. The plan was simple and effective; and yet she felt oddly nervous. It was hard to talk to Chuck, or even to see him. All her feelings rushed back to overwhelm her and she felt all tangled up when he was observing her with familiar hazel eyes. It was all consuming and she didn't want to be consumed right now. Hence, her defense mechanism kicked in and she was either religiously avoiding him or being a total bitch to his face. But now she needed to be his friend.
She took another deep breath, pasted a smile on her face and called out: "Hello, anyone here?"
A lock clicked and Nate walked out, with a typical confused expression on his face:
"Blair?"
"Oh thank God and here I was thinking the penthouse is deserted." She eyed his ruffled morning hair and the slightest hint of dark circles and commented "Rough night, Archibald?"
"Uh- no…Lola spent the night and I…"
"Oh ..." Blair scrunched her face "Haven't you had your share of Serena doppelgangers to last a lifetime?"
Nate rolled his eyes "Dan isn't here, Blair."
Blair shifted nervously "I 'm here to see Chuck actually..."
Nate straightened up and his friendly demeanor vanished immediately.
"Why?" he demanded suspiciously
"I need to talk to him" she began slowly
"Don't ..." he interrupted rather roughly, his blue eyes uncharacteristically strict.
Blair stared at him in confusion
"Don't, what?"
He sighed "Look the last year has been hard on Chuck. But he got through and right now he is in a good place, no thanks to you. Don't mess it up for him."
Blair glared at him.
"How dare you just presume that I 'm here to mess things up for him?" She was furious at his audacity. He didn't need to protect Chuck from her; she was the one who protected him always.
Nate shrugged: "Going by past records, it's a fair presumption. First you draw him in saying that you love him and then you leave him for whoever catches your fancy and then when he finally drags himself out of the miserable hole that your rejection buried him in, you come back. And then the cycle begins again."
Blair had to restrain herself from slapping him "Going by past records I have always been a better friend to him than you have. I have always stood by him- and the rest of you as well"
Nate sighed loudly "No one is denying that, Blair. But we all have stood by you too. When you wanted to marry Louis, we were all there for you. When you wanted to leave your fiancé and run away with Chuck, I personally escorted you two out. And after that-the accident and the wedding and the dowry – we would have been there for you then, if you had let us…"
Blair froze as he recapped the last year to her. It was as though she was reliving it again. Her fairytale of an engagement which never really made her happy, her constant doubts and then the accident... She closed her eyes- Chuck dying- and her ba-
Don't think about. Don't think...
If you don't think about it, it isn't true…
Her eyes snapped open and she put on her bitchiest tone "So, what now you need a thank you note from me? Or some kind of a favor – as long as it's not sexual, Archibald. But you wouldn't be interested as I 'm not old enough to be your mother"
"God, no…" He said shaking his head "Blair, I love you. Always have, always will..." Blair felt tears forming at the corner of her eyes as he smiled her favorite Natie- smile. Shaking his eyes, he continued "But Chuck's my best friend, Blair and I can't see him suffer again. So if you 're here to shout at him for paying your dowry to get into your pants, then I would have to stop you..."
Blair looked down. "I 'm not here to yell..."
Nate groaned loudly "Please don't tell me you are sporadically in love with him again."
She glared at him and he shrugged back. "Could you just stop being his knight in shining armor and just tell me where he is?"
Nate seemed to be struggling inwardly. Blair sighed and sat down.
"Well... I 'm just going to wait here until he shows up..."
Nate sighed wearily "He isn't here, Blair. He left last night to find her."
"What?" Blair felt the world spinning. "Who is this "her"?"
Nate looked oddly guilty "I shouldn't have said that. Listen could you just forget..."
"Please tell me he didn't go to find Elizabeth." She took one look at his face and almost screamed in frustration."Why the hell didn't you stop him? Do you even remember what she did to him the last night he let her in?"
"Come on, Blair... You know, Chuck, he does what he wants to." Nate said slowly "And I don't even know what is wrong in seeking his mother out"
"She is the woman who conned him out of his hotel…"
"And if Chuck can forgive her for it, then it's none of my business. Or yours. So keep your nose out of it." He said seriously "I've to get ready for office and I 'm sure you have something to do.:
Blair glared at him. She wasn't going to waste time arguing logic with Nate Archibald of all people. She held her head high as she stalked out of the penthouse.
...
Chuck stepped out of his limo, glancing at the neatly arranged lane. Situated in south-east Milan, Vaile Umbria was a pretty residential area. He stared at the mahogany door with a brass knob before knocking politely. The door opened immediately.
Elizabeth looked just the same, though her hair was slightly longer and framed her high cheekbones. She looked shocked to see him.
"Ch-Charles?"
Chuck swallowed and nodded at her. "Elizabeth, may I come in?" He didn't give her a chance to reply and stepped inside. A small hallway led to a comfortable living room. He sat down, staring at the lines of photo frames on the side table.
"This is a most unexpected visit." She said after she followed him in "Honestly I never expected to see you again."
Chuck smiled smoothly.
"I never intended to pay it." He looked around at the photos arranged neatly and asked slowly "Your family?"
"Uh- yes" she said nervously
His eyes took in the range of people in there. A couple of black and white pictures with a man, his wife and two daughters, a few portrait shots of Elizabeth and some scattered group pictures. He felt a pang of loneliness and suppressed it. "They look lovely"
Elizabeth nodded and then, as though weary of the social niceties, she blurted out quickly "If this is about your hotel, I told you that I just wanted to help Jack and then- then ..."
He nodded, acknowledging her words. "You were in love with him"
"I tried to stop him- I did- I gave him a choice but he didn't – he "she looked away
Chuck reached out and placed his hand comfortingly against hers. "I know. This isn't about what happened a few years ago. I have a question for you and I want you to answer honestly. "
She nodded, her hazel eyes so like his own, widening in confusion.
"Elizabeth, are you my mother?"
She stared at him, weighing her answer. "I 'm surprised that you're asking me. Don't you have a PI to dig in my past?"
Chuck shook his head with a wry smirk "I want to hear it from you. And I want the truth because you owe it to me."
Her eyes were kind as she slowly shook her head. "No, Charles. I 'm not your mother... I do bear a great resemblance to your mother or so Jack used to say. I was an actress and I got involved with Jack several years ago. I fell in love with him and when he proposed to con you, I accepted."
Chuck stood up "Thank you. I –I must go, I 'm sorry for the unexpected visit."
Elizabeth stood up as well, smiling kindly "You're a special person, Charles. You deserve to be happy and I 'm sure your real mother, wherever she is, only wants you to be happy. So stop chasing shadows and live your life."
He smiled. "I appreciate that." He walked to the door and Elizabeth opened it.
"Its was good to see you again"
He nodded "Yes, it was. Have a good life, Elizabeth."
"You too. Say hello to Blair from me."
He managed to smile politely and stepped in his limo. As it sped away, he wondered how he could stop chasing shadows when they never stopped chasing him.
…...
Like a city besieged, it was the loneliest thing
Your silence held in cold delay
And I felt faint of heart cause I was caught between
The weight of everything I couldn't say
The day between the soil and the sky
An emptiness, a void, a heaviness, a sigh,
But I know you will make through alive
Cause you never said goodbye
Blair threw her bag down on the couch as soon as she entered her penthouse. Dorota came scurrying by before she shooed the Polish maid away. She didn't have the energy to deal with anything right now. She had spent the day trying to find where on earth the mother-chucker had flown to last night. His phone was unreachable and Nate refused to help. She had called her PI but the incompetent plan had said that private plane records were- well –private and it could take some time. In desperation she had called Lily, but she had been oddly distant and unhelpful.
With another disgruntled sigh, she threw herself down on the couch and fished her cell phone. She switched it on and clucked when she saw there were sixteen messages from Dan. He was going to be prissy.
Ignoring the messages, she called her boyfriend.
"Where have you been?"
"Hello to you too, Humphrey" she said with false cheer
She heard him sigh "I called you another ten times"
"I know...I was busy with some things" she said slowly, wondering how to explain to him why she hadn't called
"Is everything alright?" he quickly piped in, his knight in shining armor persona overwhelming his anger
"Oh yes... nothing to worry about. Just some girl stuff...So what have you been up to?" she asked quickly
He laughed "You wouldn't believe what happened today. I got a fantastic idea for our coming out party- something that merges both our worlds...I was thinking we should host a salon."
"A salon? Really, Humphrey, can we get more pretentious than that?" she snapped at him.
"Oh come on, it's us. It so very us- We could hold it at my loft, with UES catering…" He continued detailing every aspect of the salon. Blair gave her input and he accepted most of her ideas. One of the best things about Dan was that he never challenged her, he always let her be.
"You know, on second thoughts, the salon is perfect personification of us" Blair said slowly.
He laughed again. "So what're your plans for the rest of the day? There is a viewing of the French..."
"I 'm actually spending the day with Serena" she interrupted him quickly. She was in no mental state to meet him and spent the day with him. Besides she needed to find out Chuck's location before that bitch got to him.
"You're what?"
"Spending the day with my best friend, Dan... Why do you sound so surprised?" she snapped loudly
There was a beat of silence. "Well, you don't exactly do that anymore."
The sentence resounded in her head twice before she comprehended it. She recovered quickly and said determinedly "Well, I 'm today." She hung up before she snapped at him again. What did he mean she never spent time with Serena nowadays? She swung her feet down and slowly climbed to her best friend's room.
She knocked and called brightly "Hey S!"
Serena turned around with a folded skirt in her hand "Oh hi Blair..."
Blair felt her smile falter as she looked into the room. A large Louis Vuitton suitcase stood open with various folded items in it. She looked back at her best friend in shock.
"Are you going somewhere?"
Serena nodded distantly "Mom and Rufus're having a fight and he decided to stay back at the loft. She is back at the penthouse and all alone, so I thought I would go spend some time with her. With all the mess with Ivy and grandma's death, she really shouldn't deal with this all alone"
"Oh... of course. It must be hard on her. So how long 're you planning to stay there?" Blair asked casually, watching as her best friend put dress after dress in the bag.
"I haven't really decided yet. Let's see…"
Blair nodded and an awkward silence filled the room. Suffocating against the awkwardness of the silence, she blurted out.
"I spoke to your mom earlier. She did sound upset. You should go be with her."
Serena's eyebrows furrowed
"Why did you to speak to mom?"
Blair sat up straighter, glad that there was a topic she could talk to Serena about without feeling awkward.
"Well- apparently Chuck has this crazy idea that he wants to find Elizabeth..."
"Oh yes... I know." Serena said
"What do you mean you know?" Blair asked aghast
Serena shrugged "We talked about it the other day when he came here to talk to you but you weren't interested. I told him to go for it"
"Go for it?" Blair cried loudly "I don't understand. Has everyone developed amnesia or was the Empire incident my hallucination?"
Serena blinked "No one said she is the mother of the year, Blair. But if Chuck wants to finds his mother, it's his business. Not ours. Especially not yours..."
Blair stood up, glaring at him. "Oh please not you too..."
"Not me too, what?" Serena asked coolly
"Don't go on framing me as the icy bitch that played with his emotions. I 'm not the guilty one here. I didn't plan on falling for Dan"
Serena froze and then smiled sweetly "All I m saying is that with all your history, its best that you stay away from him."
"Really, so now you're protecting him from me?" she said with a hysterical note in her voice.
"Chuck is my brother, Blair" Serena said firmly
"And I'm your best friend. S. Bros before hoes, chicks before dicks- You know how it works. Your loyalty should be to me. Between a guy and your best friend you always chose your BFF..." Blair snapped her mouth shut quickly as Serena shot her a triumphant look.
Blair looked away quickly, her eyes watering. She half-expected Serena to lash out. Instead the blonde slowly folded a sequined top and placed in her bag. There was complete silence as the two sisters. Blair felt an impending sense of doom as she stared at Serena. Serena- her best friend, her sister, her bane of contention and yet her soul mate...
"You aren't coming back, are you?"
Serena sighed "I don't know. I really don't."
Blair scooted closer slowly "Is this because of Dan? Because you said you 're ok with it..."
Serena gave her a wry look "I said I will try and no- it's not because of Dan. Everything has changed. We have changed- it's just not the same anymore. Blair" she sounded defeated
Blair shook her head. "What're you saying? Look, Serena if you 're angry you should have said something about it."
Serena chuckled dryly. "All through these years, whenever I have felt that you're wronging me, I have spoken up and so have you. But this time- we didn't- because unlike those times we don't have that right over each other. We knew that we weren't best friends anymore."
Blair swallowed a lump and snapped harshly "That is ridiculous. Of course we're best friends. You are my sister, S. We live in the same apartment. We share a fucking bathroom"
Serena turned to glare at the brunette.
"That's all we share. If we were really best friends you would give a shit about me outside the bathroom, hygiene be damned." She ran a hand through her shiny locks and continued "Remember, when we were kids and we used to plan our weddings and babies but when you were really pregnant, B, I wasn't the one you confided in. You didn't tell me when you did the paternity test. I wasn't the one you came to when you were having doubts about being with Louis. You didn't confide in me about your ridiculous pact with God and you didn't even tell when you ran away from the wedding..."
She sighed loudly "I was always there for you, B. You just didn't reach out…because you didn't want to..."
Blair shook her head, fighting tears. "It's not like that..."
"It's exactly like that. We drifted apart..." she said looking down
Blair reached out and clutched her hand, surprised to see her friend dry-eyed. She seemed distant, calm and just out of reach.
"But if it wasn't for me dating Dan..." she trailed off unable to shove off the guilt
Serena sighed "I 'm happy for you and Dan, Blair. I forgave you for it just when I said I did" She pulled her hands away and smiled "But that doesn't mean I can be friends with you. I don't think I can do this anymore..."
"Serena..."
"Blair, I would fight for our friendship if I thought there was something to fight for but now I'm not sure there is..."
She pulled the zipper on her bag and called Dorota. Blair sat on her friend's bed and watched her walk out, leaving her alone. Serena Van der Woodson had been one constant in her life. Their crazy mothers, boyfriends, the mean girls- everything had come and gone. Only Serena had remained. Through their fights and differences, she had held her hair back as she purged. She had walked her down to Dr. Sherman's office; she had held Blair as the latter cried over Nate or Chuck. She had always been there- Her Serena, her sister and now she wasn't...
Blair wiped her cheeks. She had lost them- all of them...
….
A/N: The response for this story has been lukewarm and I was indecisive whether to continue or not but since half of this chapter was already written, I decided to post it. Having said that, those of you who reviewed, your speculations, thoughts and suggestions were all very welcome… I don't know why but I really miss Nair interacting. I mean- they were each other's first loves after all. It would nice to see their friendship. Most importantly this chapter touches on the core relationship of Gossip Girl as per me- The Blair-Serena friendship. I really think Serena should put her put down and walk out on Blair. The line about SB being best friends because they share a bathroom belongs to Safran. After all I don't write such BS: P
The lyrics are from Between by Courrier.
If you want me to continue, please leave a review to tell me.