A/N: If anybody's actually reading this, sorry it took so long. Please don't lurk! If you read it, review! Oh and since I forgot last time this goes for that chapter also:

Disclaimer: You know what's not mine. As in, Firefly and Rent.

Chapter Two: We'll Stay...Oy Vey!

"Uh, li'l River? We're, um, we're not home," said the very confused captain into the special radio River had rigged. Then, as the reality of being not home struck him, he continued, "And if we don't get home soon, I'm going to be all kinds of angry."

"I am well aware that your current location is not that which we had chosen," River replied. A year after Miranda, River had responded to the combination of her brother's treatments and the lack of the burden of millions of deaths, and was now usually completely sane and understandable, although she still woke with nightmares. But only Simon knew about that.

"Of course it's not! Because we chose home!! And again, we are not home!" the captain was getting more frustrated by the second. "What exactly are you going to do about that?" Nervously, Mal glanced around his "current location," a dark nightclub. He also glanced at his crew, all of whom were with him on this trip: Kaylee had come to select parts, Simon to restock the infirmary "properly" (which he was sure the captain couldn't handle), Jayne and Zoë in their usual capacities, and Inara, whose shuttle was broken, so she had to try out River's new method of transportation. With River's sanity had returned a useful genius in physics, and after she determined she wanted to create this, it had only taken her a few days to figure out:(almost) instantaneous space transportation. She had attempted to explain it to Mal and Simon, and even Simon didn't understand, so she had finally sighed and said "It works. Trust me." And they had, and now they were here, in this not-home place.

"Well, if you could tell me where you are, I could try again to bring you home."

"That I can handle." Turning to his first mate, he said, "Zoë, figure out where we are."

"How, sir?"

"Ask!" he said, exasperated. Women, even Zoë, could be so senseless.

"With all due respect, sir, wouldn't it seem strange to just walk up to someone and ask where we are?"

"Oh." So maybe not senseless, exactly. "Hmmm."

Jayne, who really was not stupid, he just felt that it's easier to seem stupid and lower expectations, said "Pretend to be drunk."

Everyone stared at him. "What?" he said, nervous. Was it really that bad of an idea?

"Jayne, you are a genius," said Mal. "And since you're an expert at being drunk, you get to carry out this little plan of ours."

Jayne said, "Uh…."

Kaylee said, "Don't be a chicken!! Baawk!"

That got Jayne going. He growled, "I am not a chicken," and stomped off towards the bar. As the group watched, his step grew less angry and more drunken. He stumbled over and sat down on a stool. He hunched over, blinked a couple times, looked up at the bartender, and said, "Where am I?"

To the bartender, this guy didn't really seem drunk so much as strange. Perhaps he had Alzheimer's…? Well, I guess I should just answer, he thought. "You're at Serenity." The guy suddenly looked confused and very much aware of where he was, and then returned to behaving….strange. "In New York….?" continued the bartender, beginning to be a little concerned. "The city?"

"Uh-huh," said Jayne. "Um. New York is where now?"

The bartender decided this guy might actually be a lunatic. "What year is it?" he asked.

"2519," said Jayne automatically.

Yep, definitely a crazy. "It's 1991…" said the bartender. "Is there somebody you want me to call to help you get home or something?" Business was kind of slow tonight, he could afford to waste time on this guy.

Jayne, offended, said clearly and more or less intelligently, "I don't need nobody's help to get home," and stomped away. When he got back to Mal and the crew, he said, "We are in New York. In 1991. According to that feller."

"New York?!" said Inara. "On Earth-That-Was?"

"1991?!" Kaylee almost shouted. "Five hundred YEARS ago??"

"Shush," said Zoë. "If we are on Earth and it is 1991, we don't want everybody thinking we're insane."

"Too late," muttered Jayne, clearly thinking about his experience with the bartender.

Meanwhile, Mal was getting back to business: attempting to get them home. "River?" he said into the radio. "We know where we are now…sorta."

"Where, captain?"

"New York. 1991."

"I didn't realize this could also transport one through time. That is very interesting, and could complicate the science immensely…" River mused.

"Ya think it could complicate it? It already did! We are in a place that doesn't exist anymore!" said Mal exasperated.

"Hmm…."said River. "Oh, I think I've found you, sir. I will have you home in," she paused to finish her calculations, "about a minute."

"Alright," growled Mal. "Folks, get ready, we're going home."

"Yay!" said Kaylee. Simon squeezed her hand. Wash and Inara sighed with relief. Zoë stayed still, stoic and skeptical. Jayne checked on his grenades. You never know where we might end up next, he thought. Maybe next'll be dinosaurs…

They waited. One minute turned into two, and two turned into, three, then four, then five. Then the radio beeped. "Captain?" asked River.

"We're still here, River," growled the captain.

"But I completed the transfer…" said River wonderingly. Everything she did, she did perfectly! She did not make mistakes….

Jayne groaned. Mal was turning red. Simon grabbed the radio so that Mal wouldn't yell at River. "River? It's me," he said.

"Hi Simon!" She still acted like a child around him.

"Hi. Can you try it again?" he asked.

"I can. I'll need to make the necessary adjustments…"

"And how long will that take?" he asked desperately, seeing a tired Kaylee, a composed Inara, an increasingly angry Mal, a bored Jayne (obviously dangerous), and a slightly worried Zoë.

"It could take an hour to a week," said River, as though this was not important at all. "But really, the fact that it took you through time is so amazing, I might have to do additional research…"

"NO!" said Mal, Jayne, and Simon at the same time. Simon then continued, "Can you do it again without any changes? Will it work?"

"Well, there's a chance…" said River. "But I can't be sure, not after it went wrong twice."

"Just try it," said Simon.

"All right," said River. She pressed the necessary buttons with her usual superhuman speed. "Coming home in one minute."

And after one minute, the entire crew had indeed vanished from Serenity, from New York, from Earth. After two, they had arrived in the cargo bay of Serenity, their home, to see seven sleeping Bohemians on the cargo bay floor.

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