A/N: Thanks so much to everyone for the wonderful feedback! I loved hearing your thoughts, and look forward to hearing more! I am also open to any ideas or suggestions that you would like to see happen in the story. Enjoy!
"You couldn't come up with a better lie then that!" Sanji wailed, throwing his hands up in the air dramatically. "Do you know what this means!? What we're going to have to do?!"
The crew was now safely back on the ship, and for the moment out of ear shot of the guards.
"You're welcome for saving your life asshole!" Nami snapped, getting annoyed with the cook's complaining. He had shot her evil looks the entire way back, and now wouldn't stop shouting. "There really wasn't any other choice!"
"Of course there was!"
"Then please tell me, what would you have said?" Nami said, crossing her arms and waited expectantly. Sanji thought about it for a few moments, and then looked away from her in defeat. "Exactly. Now I know this isn't the ideal situation, for any of us. And if it were up to me we would leave now. But it's just not realistic to wander the grand line lost for God knows how long. It's only for two weeks, please just try and get through it."
The entire crew nodded, all of them completely understanding the situation. Sanji and Zoro exchanged a look before sighing, and nodding as well.
"Great! It shouldn't be too hard for any of you," Nami began, ignoring Usopp's protests, "but for you two," she said pointing at Sanji and Zoro, "you are going to have to make quite a few changes."
"Can't we just stay hidden on the ship for the next two weeks?" Zoro asked, looking bored. He hadn't seemed to care about the situation that much one way or another.
"No, that would look way too suspicious." Nami shook her head, "remember what he said? He's going to be keeping a close eye on us, but especially on you two. Sanji was the one that groped his daughter after all."
"I didn't grope her!" Sanji protested, receiving unbelieving looks from the rest of the crew. "Honestly! I…whatever, never mind." He finished lamely, knowing that there was no point in arguing.
"He will expect you to go about business as usual, and it would be way to obvious if the two of you stayed hidden the entire time. And honestly I wouldn't put it past him if he managed to spy on us on the ship, so even when you think you're alone, I want you to continue to pretend. That's why I want the two of you to start sleeping together in the crow's nest."
"WHAT?!" Both men shouted at the same time. Zoro wasn't really bothered by the situation before, thinking he might end up having to hold the cook's hand once or twice, but this was a completely different situation.
"You don't have to 'do anything', just lie next to each other…maybe spoon a bit." Nami said, having to hold back a laugh at the look on the two men's faces.
"You can't be serious?!" Sanji nearly hissed, not finding the humor in the situation like the rest of his crew seemed to be. They were all laughing and getting into their characters. Even Usopp seemed to have given into the idea, despite his new 'persona' being less then desirable. "Me and Zoro aren't going to stand for this! Right Marimo?"
Sanji looked over and saw the green haired man contemplating something before saying, "I dibs being the top."
"What?!"
"I dibs being the top in our relationship. It's far more believable."
"You can't actually be agreeing to this?" Sanji asked shocked. "And what do you mean it's more believable?!"
"Do we really have a choice shit cook? If we don't do this we will both be arrested. Trust me, I don't like this situation any more then you. But if I had to chose between cuddling up to you for the next two weeks, or getting my balls chopped off, I'd have to go with the first option."
Sanji sighed, completely defeated. He was right, and he knew it, he just didn't want to admit it. And as much as it would kill him to have to do this, he was fond of his balls as well…not to mention his life. His supposed 'crime' was worse than the others, so he doubted he would escape with just a castration. "Fine, whatever…but we're sure as hell not cuddling."
"Whatever you say," Zoro laughed, definitely amused by the cook's discomfort and annoyance. And that's when an idea crossed his mind…this was the perfect opportunity to torture and tease the cook. He might not like this situation either, but he wasn't nearly as uptight about it as the blonde seemed to be. This could actually be fun…
"And you still didn't answer my other questions. Why do I have to be the bottom?!"
"Raise your hand if you think Sanji would be a more convincing bottom than me?" Zoro asked, smirking in satisfaction when everyone in the room, other than Sanji, raised their hands. Even Chopper, who probably wasn't completely clear about what they were talking about. "There you have it my precious little uke…now why don't you give me a kiss?"
"I seriously hate you all!" Sanji snapped, exiting the galley in a huff. The next two weeks were going to be pure hell.
…
Sanji looked around quickly to make sure nobody had followed him. The coast appeared to be clear. He had snuck out to the market, realizing that he hadn't finished shopping for supplies earlier when all the chaos had erupted. And knowing his captain, if there wasn't a table full of meat for dinner, he would never hear the end of it. Plus the fact that he could forget some of his troubles for a while by checking out some of the beautiful women didn't hurt either. Surely looking wasn't against the law?
"Could I get a dozen slabs of that beef?" Sanji asked giving the brunette woman behind the stand a smooth smile.
"Sure thing," she giggled, returning a shy smile of her own, along with a wink.
Sanji turned around so he was leaning against the stand, so he could appreciate the rest of the women in the market place while he waited for his order to be done. Many of the women looked his way, all of them giving him seductive smiles and shy little waves. Some were even gesturing for him to come over, and he could feel himself begin to take a few steps before he stopped himself, remembering that if he was caught drooling over or flirting with the women, that he could be in serious trouble. He couldn't believe a place like this actually existed. There were attractive women as far as the eye could see, and they were all lonely and desperate to be with a man. This place should be like heaven! But instead, since he couldn't act on anything, it had turned into his own private hell.
"Hey babe!" He heard a familiar voice shout, and it sent a shiver down his spine. It couldn't be…but his fears were quickly realized when he saw the green-haired swordsmen running over to him. What the hell did that idiot think he was doing?
"So this is where you ran off too." Zoro said, amusement evident in his voice as he placed a quick kiss on the cook's cheek. "You shouldn't wander off on your own, you had me worried."
Sanji could feel his eye begin to twitch, and a bile rise up in his throat. How dare the swordsmen kiss his cheek so casually! He had to suppress every urge in his body, telling him to kick that stupid smirk off the idiot's face. And he might have considered it too if it wasn't for the two guards he saw a few feet away.
"I didn't mean to make you worry," Sanji said instead, through clenched teeth. "I'll try and be more considerate next time."
"Thanks love, I appreciate that." Zoro said, wrapping his arm around the cook's waist. It felt weird to touch the blonde so intimately, but the obvious annoyance and rage it seemed to cause, made it all worth it.
Sanji was about to pull out of the swordsmen's grasp, when he heard someone clearing their throat behind him. He turned around to see the girl behind the stand, looking clearly embarrassed at his and Zoro's proximity. He wanted to reassure her it wasn't what it looked like, but received a pinch from the other man, reminding him not to blow their cover.
"Thanks," he said lamely instead, handing her the money, as she continued to avoid eye contact with him.
He grabbed his order, and turned around to leave, walking quickly so he could escape the other man's hold. But it seemed to be no use; the green-haired idiot was like a plague that he couldn't get rid of.
"Wait up darling!" Zoro shouted, catching up to the other man, "Do you want me to carry that for you?"
"I'm perfectly capable of handling it myself." Sanji answered, doing his best to keep the annoyance out of his voice.
"But I don't want you to strain yourself…I know you're still a little sore after last night."
Those words caused Sanji to freeze in his tracks, absolutely horrified, his face instantly tinting a deep red. It wasn't just what he had said, but the fact that he had said it loud enough for the guards, as well as several women from the market place, to hear it. He could have just died in that moment, hearing a few giggles from the women around him, as well as several looks of disappointment. He wanted to kill the swordsmen…no he wanted to do something far worse than kill him.
"Fine, you carry them." He snapped, shoving the package into his arms, hating the satisfied look on his face, before rushing off back toward the ship, ignoring the calls from the swordsmen behind him. Right now he didn't care about keeping up appearances, he had to get out of there before he did something he would regret. Hopefully in the eyes of the guards it looked like a lover's quarrel or something…
He got back on the ship, and ignored all his crewmates as he headed toward the kitchen, locking the door behind him. He needed a moment to be alone, before he said something he didn't mean to someone who didn't deserve it.
He promptly lit a cigarette, the smooth taste of nicotine quickly calming his nerves. This was what needed to be done, he reminded himself. If he valued his balls and his life, he would deal with it. It was just an act, and it would be over soon. It doesn't matter what a bunch of strangers think…even if those strangers were incredibly beautiful women. When you get to the next island you can find a woman to help you put this terrible mess behind you.
He repeated some of these things over and over to himself, until he began to calm down. He lit another cigarette after finishing his first, before making his way back on to the deck to join the rest of the crew.
"You alright cook?" Robin asked, being the only one who noticed how upset he looked when he had walked onto the ship earlier.
"I'm fine, but I'm honored you were worried about me my darling Robin-cwa…ow!" Sanji was cut off by an elbow being shoved into his ribs, "What the hell Nami?!"
"Get those hearts out of your eyes! And no Robin-cwan or Nami-swan for the next two weeks, got it?" She hissed under her breath so that only Sanji could hear her. She was well aware of the guards standing right beside the ship, and didn't want to raise suspicions…especially since it was only the first day. They were never going to get through the next two weeks at this rate.
"Fine, jeez." Sanji muttered, rubbing his now bruised side. That girl could pack a freakishly strong punch when she wanted to.
"There you are my lovely little cook." Zoro's voice said loudly as he made his way onto the ship. "I'm sorry if what I said earlier embarrassed you, but I was just concerned for your well being. Do you forgive me my love?"
I won't forgive you until you're rotting in hell. He thought, but after feeling another, not so rough, elbow in his ribs from Nami, he sighed. "Of course I forgive you. I'm sorry for overreacting."
"That's okay babe, now come give me a hug." Zoro said, holding his arms out expectantly. The entire crew turned toward the cook, seeing the pained look on his face from keeping his anger in check. He walked across the deck before he could get another elbow shoved into his ribs, allowing the idiot swordsmen to wrap his arms around him.
"Better hug me back love, they're watching." Zoro whispered, his mouth mere inches from the cook's ear.
Sanji, very slowly, wrapped his arms around the other man, feeling himself vibrate with anger. "You're really enjoying this aren't you?" He hissed back into Zoro's ear.
"I don't know what you're talking about." Zoro laughed, not even trying to hide the amusement from his voice.
Sanji couldn't believe it! They were forced to experience this hellish charade, which should be pure torture for the both of them, and the idiot was actually enjoying it! Enjoying putting him through this misery! What the hell was wrong with him?!
Although thinking back on everything he knew about the swordsmen, he didn't know why he was surprised. The idiot seemed to make it his full time job to piss him off, and this wasn't any different.
His anger slowly began to fade, as an evil smirk lit up his face. Zoro wasn't the only one that could play this game. If the green-haired man thought he was the only one that could be embarrassed, he was going to prove him wrong. As much as he didn't want to have to do this, the thought making him feel slightly ill, it would be worth it to give the swordsmen a taste of his own medicine.
He pulled away, out of Zoro's arm, not missing the smirk on his face. He wouldn't be smirking for long…
"And thanks for carrying my bag for me," he said as sweetly as he could muster, grabbing the package from the other man's arms. "I better go get started on dinner."
And before Zoro could say anything, Sanji brought his free hand to the back of the other man's neck, and forcibly smashed their lips together. He could feel the swordsmen tense up, and heard the sound of several gasps from behind him.
He pulled away to see the completely shocked, and slightly horrified look on the other man's face, and gave a satisfied smirk of his own. "You better bring your appetite, I'm making meat, lots of meat…and I know how much you like to have my meat in your mouth." He said loudly, and seductively, before turning around and walking toward the kitchen.
He could see everyone's shocked faces, and could only imagine what the idiot swordsmen's looked like. If he could make that asshole just as miserable as he had tried to make him…then maybe this wouldn't be so horrible after all.