Fighting It

The first time he choked me during sex, we were both surprised.

Out of no where, through the frantic cries, the hasty movements, hands had reached up and wrapped around my neck. The pressure at first was light, then began to grow firmer, enclosing, choking me.

He stopped his movements and I stopped mine. I know little of my expression, other than it must have reflected my utter shock and fear.

His expression, his was just as confused and scared as mine. I didn't get it at all, I couldn't understand.

Something has been wrong lately.

He sits, and just thinks, pondering, wondering, and it is utterly and incomprehensibly disturbing. He is replacing harshness and insults with silence and frigidness.

So the second time he began to choke me, I simply smiled up at him.

Take whatever you want
Take it all
It's all for you
Take every last breath

"Eiri Yuki, I love you." It was all I could muster to say, as the asfixiation set in. He was holding tighter, stronger this time, and my head began to swirl. Through the fog in my eyes I could see his face, his pain. He broke down into sobs, and let my neck free. I wrapped my arms around his collapsed body, rubbing circles on his back.

We haven't had sex in a month. I'm reluctant to put myself in that situation, and he doesn't have any interest. Maybe he's seeing women again? I'm not sure if I can do this anymore. I love him with all my heart, but he is descending beyond my reach. He's drowning and pulling me down with him.

I sigh and shake my head; I can only do what I can, and as long as that is enough for now, I'll gasp for every last breath I can.

He rolls over in the bed and stares up at me. No expression, just a blank, dead gaze.

"What is wrong with you?" he asks, again no emotion.

What is wrong with me? I smile. Everything, Eiri Yuki, everything is wrong.

"Nothing, go back to sleep." He rolls his eyes and sits up.

"It's kind of hard while people are staring at me." He looks off into the corner for a split second, then brings his gaze to his lap.

While people watch him sleep. He's not talking about me at all.

"Do you want to have sex?" He asks offhandedly. I shake my head slightly in response.

"No, I don't think I do." He sighs.

So there we sit. Two insomniacs, sitting, thinking, wondering.

"Why did you choke me?" I blurt, before I can quite think about what I'm saying. Maybe I'm tired. Maybe I don't have any dignity or self-respect left. Maybe I just can't take silence anymore. No matter how loud I yell, no matter how much I cry, it's still silent.

He takes a moment before he responds.

"It takes me over and I just can't control it."

It. What in the hell is it?

Then I think back to the blank stares, the sudden personality switch, the locking himself away, and the violent attacks.

"Oh," Is all I can say.

His hand snakes its way to me, and grasps mine gently. I turn to my side to catch his expression, but there is none.

"I just wish I could make you happy." Is all I can say, all I've ever been able to say. I've said it so many times now that I'm beginning to sound like a broken record.

Maybe that's all I am; a broken record. A pile of useless machinery, that once held so much music, now scratched, cracked and ripped apart. Is this all I would ever be with him? Would we ever breathe, no choking, no gasping for breath, sit back and just be?

His hand that is holding mine is tighter, and for the first time in a while he gazes back into my eyes.

He is suddenly overcome with a feirceness, his muscles tighten, and his lips thin.

"Will I ever be able to do that?" Will I? With how much you hate me? With how much Kitizawa holds on to your peripheral, will you ever take a good look at me and the idea of us?

"You already have." If it was anybody but Yuki, I wouldn't have believed them.

"Do you want to have sex?" I ask, again with the word blurting. For his few words, I would give anything. Everything.

'You already have.'

Have I? Really?

So we have sex. He takes off my shorts, lays me gently, and does all the work. I don't think I could bring myself to do anything, even if I wanted to.

He doesn't choke me this time. I keep my eyes locked on his, his on mine, and he stays with me. He does not become taken over, he does not lose himself, he stays with me.

But neither of us are aroused, and it becomes pointless.

"I can't do it," He mutters, pulling out and rolling to the side. "I can't get you up, and I can't have sex with you. It's like fucking a corpse."

My next breath is sharp and it sends shivers down my spine. His as well. He understands what he has said, and I'm sure it hurts him more than it hurts me.

"That's…that's not what I meant Shuichi."

Isn't it though? Hasn't it always been what you meant?

"Shuichi, damn it, you make me happy. I don't know why, or how, but you make me happy." He rolls to his side and wraps his arms around me, pulling me against him.

And I look into his eyes, full of just as many tears as mine, and can't help but smile. I wrap my arms around his neck, burrying my head into his shoulder.

I look into the corner behind Eiri's back, seeing nothing. I never see what he sees, but I know all to well. I point my pointer finger, and straighten my thumb, making a silly little gun of sorts. It's kind of funny, in my opinion. I raise my hand to the corner, and jerk it up.

Pow. Stay dead Kitazawa.

"I love you Yuki. I love you. And I will fight it as long as it's here." And I mean it. I re-wrap my hands tighter around his shoulders, and his grasp on me is tightened as well.

"Thank you, Shuichi."

I will fight it.

I give you every last breath
I give you my all
I give it all for you
I love you

End

I couldn't leave this a one shot…I unno. Anyway, this is kind of fun actually. Whenever I get bored and need a muse, I'm going to add on to this. Should this go full length? What do ya'll think? Any suggestions? xD