I Can't Let Him Win
A/N: This is about to get real heavy and kind of spiraled out of control, turns out there will have to be a third part because there was no way to get them to where they needed to be here. Thank you so much for everyone who enjoyed this and wanted the second part you were the biggest factor to this continuing. I hope this lives up to any of its expectations.
Summary: Amy decides to be honest with herself – she's probably still in love with Karma. She probably always has been. But she's pretty fucking sure it's Karma's fault because Karma's never really been able to let go of her the way she should've when things became legit with Liam. (By that she means they still make out pretty regularly).
' Goodbye to you my friend, for some of this day will depend on how we treat each other in the morn.
We're complicated folks all stuck inside our hopes, afraid to be misunderstood and wrong '
Amy's drunk and can't stop thinking about Karma. So the usual then. And Reagan doesn't even bother asking what happened so that's how she knows she's fucked.
"Two shots of tequila."
Reagan orders for them both. She doesn't bother asking Amy what she needs to get the Karma out of her system.
Reagan's always been a champ at being an adult, Amy thinks. She's the kind of person who makes decisions and just follows through with her choice; a real adult. Amy doesn't really know too many of those and she certainly doesn't think she belongs in that category. She's just faking it til she– ugh, fucking Karma.
It always comes back to fucking Karma.
"Well Shrimps, bottoms up."
Amy legit doesn't have the slightest clue what they could be celebrating. She essentially just decimated an eighteen-year-old friendship in eighteen minutes.
So yeah, that probably does require tequila.
And so Amy goes along with the cheers-ing and the drinking because… well why not?
"Keep 'em comin!"
She's totally yelling at a level ten in this bar that's a level four at its craziest. It's completely inappropriate for the setting. The place is full of ninety year olds and a few kids who know they don't card. She could really give a fuck.
And Reagan's just eyeing her warily now like she can't fucking handle herself. She can totally handle herself, it's not like she's some newly minted twenty one year old. She's twenty three. And a half.
God.
Reagan's stupid anyway.
(She's really the best. Amy's just had far too much tequila).
It's two in the morning and Reagan's basically carrying her to her front door so tomorrow is going to feel like the gates of hell opened up and swallowed her whole.
Which is just so awesome. Why not just add insult to injury? Fuck it.
"Amy, what am I gonna do with you?"
Amy shrugs (she thinks) and plops herself onto the front stoop. She's really just done with the walking thing at this point. And Reagan was doing most of the work anyhow. They most definitely deserve this break; they worked damn hard to get to this step.
Tequila is such a necessary evil, Amy decides.
Reagan's next to her now with a cigarette in her mouth – when did that happen? But she looks like the coolest person ever casually blowing the smoke out. Sophisticated even. And yeah they've been over for years but Amy can totally still admit Reagan's hot; she's just always been one of those people that's kind of effortlessly cool. And yeah, Amy's always fucking loved that about her because it's just so opposite of Karma.
Fuck.
Amy thinking of Karma is a lot like Amy being able to breathe. And that's so fucking cheesy but it's legit. Breathing isn't something she even thinks about doing, her body just does it free of charge.
That's how thinking of Karma works.
It's fucking annoying.
"I think it's over."
"Then it's over. Nothing wrong with that."
There's a lot wrong with that. There's so much wrong with that. She's just too drunk to explain. Whatever. Sleep sounds nice.
"You gonna be okay here, babe? Or you need help inside?"
Sometimes, the way Reagan cares about her makes her want to cry. These thoughts are usually the product of too much alcohol but she thinks them anyway.
Maybe one day she'll have some control over her own brain. Maybe.
Probably not though.
"S'okay. Need the air."
Reagan laughs. Reagan's always fucking laughing at her.
"Do not sleep out here, Amy. Make sure you end up inside."
Amy gives the world's sloppiest thumbs up and Reagan's just smiling at her like she's absolutely certain Amy will sleep on this stoop with or without her warning.
Yeah, so she's slept on the steps a few times in the past. That doesn't mean she won't make it inside tonight. She's totally not that drunk. She's been so much worse off than this; she's not a god damn amateur.
Amy wakes up on the steps as the sprinkler system kicks it into high gear. It's probably the worst morning in the history of mornings. It must be like fucking five o'clock and- Jesus fuck that water is fucking cold.
(Farrah and Bruce installed a sprinkler system a few years back. It cost them more than what Amy was willing to spend on a car but the Cooper grass is always the greenest on the block. For real, these are things Farrah and Bruce worry about).
There are such bigger things in the world to be concerned about. Amy just wants to shake Farrah sometimes and ask if she's ever had to worry about confessing her undying love to her best friend. She wants to ask Farrah if she's ever said 'I love you' to someone who had all the signs pointing to 'yes' only to have her say 'no.' She wants to ask if she's ever had to lay awake at night and picture the person she loves and know it's just never going to happen for them. Not the way she wants.
It's so stupid. Everything is stupid.
Stupid Karma and her stupid inability to see past Stupid Liam Booker.
Amy sighs, gathers her hangover, and starts to walk to the Dunkin Donuts a few blocks over. There's gotta be something there to make the morning better.
At the very least anywhere that sells doughnuts can't make the day any worse, right?
It's a-fucking-mazing to Amy that she can manage to be somewhere at the ass crack of dawn and somehow run into the one person that could ruin a doughnut.
There he is. Stupid Liam Booker. (She's totally running with this new name. There's a definite ring to it).
The universe must hate her.
Stupid just stares at her. Amy assumes she looks like shit (she slept on a step), but it's not like Liam doesn't know her.
More staring. So she gives it like ten seconds before she's back out the door. His face is annoying anyway and she can probably live without that doughnut.
Yeah she'll most likely just come back later. Either way.
"She told you didn't she?"
Amy turns around displeased with the fact that this is even going to become a conversation. She could definitely walk away but where's the fun in that? Liam should have his ass handed to him once in a while. It's become Amy's favorite pastime in recent years.
"That you're taking her away from all her family and friends and making her move to California so you can selfishly pursue your dreams? Yeah, she told me. She's thrilled."
Well, she might be exaggerating the truth a little bit. But Liam doesn't have to know that. Liam doesn't deserve to know that. Amy hopes he thinks Karma's miserable and unhappy. Amy wants to make him think twice about all this. Because Liam knows he's been the road block in their friendship since sophomore year and for once she wants to be the road block in theirs.
If that's selfish of her well then so be it. It's her god damn turn to be selfish here.
"Really? That's funny because she seemed pretty excited at the idea of finally being able to pursue her music career. I'm just trying to help her chase her dreams. Is that really so selfish of me, Amy?"
His douchey smirk is just getting under her skin. Liam hasn't really changed over the years – he's maybe only gotten worse.
Amy remembers Liam in high school. The righteous guy that had too many morals for her own taste really came into his own after they graduated. It was probably around the time that she and Karma started hooking up that Liam really reached prime douche.
If she didn't know better she'd think he knows.
Amy lifts an eyebrow and gives him a blank stare. She just wanted a fucking doughnut and coffee this morning. She wasn't looking to deal with Stupid Liam and his stupid face and his supposed ownership of her best friend. Amy knows he's just looking to get a reaction out of her now and she's really not about to give him the satisfaction.
"If you make her choose, Amy, I'm gonna win. Every time. I'm normal; it's easier to be with me. I'm the fantasy."
Well. Nevermind then. Amy might just give him the fucking reaction. But she swears she can justify it – guys like Liam need to have their ego cut down to size pretty regularly. If people like Amy didn't shut down his shit he'd think he was God's gift to the world (she knows he already does).
And if Liam's going to act like he knows the full story of Amy&Karma then that's fine. She's going to confirm his worst fears.
"You're a place holder. You know what she feels for me, Liam. I've always been the threat, the weak link in your relationship."
"Maybe so. But who does she come home to?"
Amy walks away. Liam can go fuck himself. She didn't really bring her A game to the table. She's in a fucking Dunkin Donuts at five thirty in the morning in yesterday's clothes. She still smells like tequila and he's poking and prodding all the pieces of her heart marked Karma that are still sore from yesterday.
It's not a fair fight. But Liam never really played fair.
"And Amy?" She pauses for a second against her better judgment. "Thanks for everything. She never comes home and jumps me the way she does after a night with you. I appreciate you getting her started for me. It's my pleasure to finish her off."
Liam is smiling. And Amy is fucking boiling.
What a bastard.
She could really care less that he knows but she's never been okay with him treating Karma like some object. Karma's so much more than that. It's even worse because she's fully aware that some part of Karma actually does love him. And he's a fucking dick.
She knows Liam only wanted Karma because she said she was a lesbian. And she knows some part of him is hanging onto Karma now just to rub it in her face. He knows he's never deserved Karma but he's dangling her in front of Amy like some sort of chew toy she'll never have. And that is just not okay.
So Amy whirls around and punches him hard before he really knows what's coming. And that punch – that's what Stupid Liam Booker actually deserves.
They almost got caught once. A few years ago. It was mostly because they'd gotten comfortable enough to get sloppy. Or because they couldn't keep their hands off of each other. Whatever the cause Amy knows it almost ruined them.
Amy remembers that they spent all day out shopping and laughing. It felt a lot like before and those days were so far and few between that they were both giddy. The Ashcroft car wasn't in the driveway when they pulled up and Amy felt her entire brain went straight to the gutter.
Karma had been flirting with her all day and she looked so pretty. It was driving Amy completely insane. And really every interaction with Karma drove her insane these days. The sexual frustration was making her want to jump out of her skin.
"Ames, you comin?"
She doesn't remember Karma getting out of the car but she does remember the way Karma smiled at her like maybe she knew exactly the effect she had on Amy. She can remember the way Karma winked as she closed the car door and sort of put on a show as she walked to the door.
Karma totally knew.
They barely got through the front door before Amy had her hands around Karma's waist. Karma had laughed and it had set all of Amy's nerve endings on fire.
That laugh still gives her that exact same feeling.
"You want something, Amy?" Karma looked at her with the biggest shit eating grin she'd ever seen.
What a tease.
Amy hadn't granted her with a response. Instead she'd kissed Karma senseless as they'd knocked the door closed behind them. There had been no time to get to Karma's room (that was way too far) so Amy just pinned her up against the door for some leverage. It had been a bold move on her part. But she remembers Karma totally fucking loving it if her moans were anything to go by.
"Jesus, Amy."
"Okay?"
"Mm, god yes."
And Amy's heart had kind of fluttered all over her rib cage. No one had ever felt quite like that – she remembers thinking her heart might just explode if they kept up like this.
Karma's hands were wrapped tightly around the back of her neck barely giving her any room to breathe. Who needed to breathe anyway? If it's breathing or Karma – she's ashamed to say that most days the answer might be Karma.
Amy specifically remembers her hands wandering a little further than they'd ever been before. Karma's skin was so soft and warm. It's everything Amy ever imagined it to be. It was the first time she'd ever really had the balls to touch Karma exactly the way she wanted.
And Karma was shameless. She was just egging Amy on with the arching of her back and the death grip she had on her. Amy remembers giving it a good five seconds before she had Karma's shirt up over her head.
Then Zen had walked through the kitchen and ruined everything – in retrospect Amy knows he was completely baked and on a direct mission to the refrigerator. Noticing them wasn't really his priority. But twenty-year-old Amy and Karma hadn't thought quite so rationally.
Karma took off up the stairs in a state of disarray and Amy kind of stood there all turned on and awkward. Zen finally saw her a few minutes later.
"Sup, Amy?" and he had carried on with his kale and peanut butter sandwich (yeah, she'll never forget that nastiness). They were safe. But Karma was going to need time to get it the fuck together and convince herself Amy didn't really do anything for her sexually.
So Amy left and they met for lunch the next day and the world kept turning.
(It took two and a half weeks and a bottle of wine after an Ashcroft family gathering before Karma kissed her again).
The knock on the door isn't anything unexpected. Amy's been waiting on it for the last few hours. Karma's finally come to rag on her for punching her boyfriend. Yay.
There was a time when Karma would've most definitely high fived her for being chivalrous and defending her honor. Instead Karma's outside the door yelling for her to answer. Like she's never in her life just waltzed through the Cooper/Raudenfeld front door.
Amy takes her time answering – this isn't gonna be pleasant.
"What the fuck is wrong with you? Like, I know you don't like Liam. But you broke his nose!"
Score. Amy legitmately almost does a victory lap around the house. It takes a massive amount of self control to not fist pump at this kind of news.
"He was talking shit, Karma. It was his own fault."
Karma scoffs and pushes past her. Amy follows her back to the living room. Oh. Karma seems to have remembered she's been in this house before.
"That doesn't give you the right to hurt him! You don't have to take it out on everyone else just because we're leaving."
"Yeah, because that's exactly what I'm doing. You figured me out." Amy's tone is all sarcasm and defense. Karma looks annoyed. Probably because they both know Karma's completely right.
"Ames, c'mon don't do this. Don't make me the bad guy for the rest of my time here."
Amy moves to look out the window. She wishes they could go back to being little. The amount of distance between them - physically and metaphorically - is fucking suffocating.
"Are we really just going to ignore what happened the other day?"
"Amy, I have to go. He needs this. He's my boyfriend."
"So I've been told. Don't worry he made sure I knew that this morning." Karma should probably know what a prick Liam is behind closed doors. He's pretty much the worst.
"I don't know exactly what happened this morning," Karma says. "I actually don't really want to know because typically anything that involves the two of you doesn't work out so well for me."
Amy winces.
Karma sits in her spot on the couch. It's the spot she always claims for Netflix marathons on the weekends. Lauren's basically even conceded to it belonging to Karma so it's a big deal. Amy gingerly sits next to her; she's scared to even breathe now that Karma's brought up the unspeakable incident.
They don't talk about how they can't define what the fuck is going on with their relationship. They for sure don't talk about all the making out. They rarely speak of any of Amy's girlfriends and Reagan's been off the conversation table for a while now for obvious reasons. But Liam and Amy – that's taboo.
That's a sore spot they've just never been able to handle so they glossed it over and ignored its existence. They would've never been able to function if they had to really acknowledge Liam taking both of their virginities. It's all weird.
They're just kind of looking at each other like maybe if they pretend none of this is happening it actually won't. Amy is painfully aware the world doesn't work like that even if they spent six years pretending it did.
"Amy?"
"Yeah, Karma?"
"We have to talk don't we?"
Just because they're owning up to the cracks in their friendship and the holes in their relationship doesn't mean Amy's not petrified that this might be the end for them.
"You're lying to yourself Karma," Amy says. "And to me."
Karma will just not look at her. And Amy really can't comprehend what it is about loving her that's so fucking hard.
"Please look at me," she reaches out for Karma's hand but Karma pulls away like she's been burned.
The thing is, up until now, Karma's actions have constantly betrayed her words. This is how Amy can tell Karma loves her. Even if Karma denies it until her last breath Amy has concrete evidence. She knows she's not crazy. She has never imagined Karma's taste on her tongue. She couldn't make up the sounds Karma makes when something feels particularly good (Amy's certain she couldn't imagine something that sounds so perfect anyway). She couldn't make up Karma's uninhibited enthusiasm for kissing her. That's all Karma and that's all 100% real.
"Fine then. I'll talk. This is killing me Karma. And to be honest – this whole thing has been killing me since it started. Every time I have to picture him touching you or his hands where mine just were it feels like a million knives in my chest. The worst part is knowing you actually do feel something for him. It makes me sick-"
"Like the girls didn't hurt me too? Amy, I couldn't sleep when I knew you were with someone… I would lay awake for hours wondering if you liked kissing them as much as you like kissing me." This admission, Amy knows, is fucking huge. She's afraid to move. "I cried myself to sleep the night you first slept with Liz."
Karma's still looking down at the fibers of the couch like this conversation isn't about to change absolutely everything.
"That was after?"
"That was after us. After you flipped my whole world upside down."
"You kissed me. And if you don't feel even the littlest bit of something for me why were you crying over my girlfriends?"
"I was drunk." Karma legit ignores the entire question.
Amy sighs.
"Don't bullshit me, Karma. It's been six years. You have to feel something or you wouldn't keep cheating on Liam. You would not be upset about me being with someone else. Why put your entire relationship at risk to kiss me a few times a week? Oh, and ps you kissed me the next day one hundred percent sober too. I didn't ask for any of this. I was perfectly fine trying to move on and you just wouldn't let me go. You know I'd probably jump in front of a god damn bus if you asked nicely enough. It's pathetic."
"I would never ask you to do that."
"No because then who would you hook up with on the side, right?"
Karma's head shoots up like she can't fucking believe that just happened. Honestly… neither can Amy.
"Low blow, Amy. We've been best friends since we were five years old you fucking know you mean more to me than a cheap hook up on the weekends Liam's busy."
"No," Amy says, "I don't know, Karma, because for the last six years it's been kind of exactly that."
"That's such bullshit. That's not all we do together. I have Liam if all I wanted was someone to kiss."
"Exactly."
Amy knows she basically just backed Karma into a corner to prove her point. She almost feels bad because Karma looks like her entire world is collapsing in on her and fuck Amy knows that feeling so well. Her moment was in the middle of a gym full of people she hated and topped off with confetti.
"No," Karma says. Amy's fluent in reading Karma's body language and she can actually see the defenses rising. Yeah, things are about to go south very quickly but she knows she can't help any of what comes next.
"Then why do you keep coming back?" Karma shakes her head as if denying it might mean it isn't true.
Amy knows what has to happen and the thought is making her stomach turn with guilt. She never thought she'd see the day when she might need to take a page out of Liam's book. But this is going to have to blow up in their faces first. It's going to have to literally go up in flames if she has any shot at getting through to Karma.
It doesn't make any of it any easier.
"You've never wanted Liam, Karma. You like the idea of Liam. You like the cute successful artsy boyfriend. You know what the problem is? He's never turned you on. He's never actually made you feel anything except maybe some vague excitement at the thought that he chose you. And so you come running to me because that spark? That one they talk about in those stupid movies you love – you feel that with me. I can feel you shaking when you kiss me. And if I ever showed you what it feels like to really be with someone you're actually attracted to you'd never be able to go back to Liam. It would literally change everything and you know it. And that's why you stop me everytime we get close. If we ever had sex you'd have to actually fucking admit to yourself that I'm the only person that's ever made it difficult for you to say stop."
"Oh fuck you, Amy," Karma's voice is laced with a venom Amy's never had directed at her.
"No, fuck you, Karma. Fuck you for this whole stupid thing and faking it when we were sixteen. Fuck you for kissing me and messing me up all over again. Fuck you for dragging this along for the last six years because your fucking glorious boyfriend Liam Booker doesn't really do it for you. I know you feel something for me. You wouldn't be trying so god damn hard to run from it if you didn't. You feel too much for me and that scares the shit out of you. Always has. Karma Ashcroft: the fucking queen of denial."
"I'm not running scared. He's my boyfriend. You're not."
So, Karma's still defending Liam. Amy's not surprised but she glances at the framed picture of them on the end table when she finally concedes defeat.
"Yeah, and you've made that perfectly clear. I've been too pathetic to tell you to back off and let me have my own life because I knew it'd mean losing you. But hey you seem to have no problem running off to California with him so maybe you should go. Why don't you just marry the son of a bitch while you're at it? And by the way, I don't want an invite to that shitshow."
Karma's crying now. Amy wants to not care. But that's really just not in her nature when it comes to Karma. Everything is all fucked.
It's been ten minutes. Karma's hugging a pillow that's catching the intermittent tears. And her body language is literally screaming 'DO NOT TOUCH ME' – Amy knows anything she does at this point would not be well received.